Heart of Light

by Hawke Oakley

  But I couldn’t stop thinking about what Chad said. How it was weird of me, his older boss, to be dating my younger coworker.

  And Seth wasn’t even just my coworker – he was my employee. Who lived with me.

  That was the nagging thought that had buried its way through my brain. The fear that I was taking advantage of Seth through my position of power without realizing it. He lived in my home, rent-free, and I now controlled his paychecks, too.

  What if I was as bad as Adrian?

  I bit my lip. I didn’t know much about the situation with Adrian aside that he was emotionally abusive, but I knew there were multiple ways of being abusive. Was it wrong of me to be in control of Seth’s living situation and finances? Should I have urged him to find another place to live once I’d hired him?

  But that sent another horrible pang through my chest. I didn’t want Seth to leave. I liked having him at my apartment. I liked coming home with him, having dinner with him, watching TV with him…

  I was afraid my worst fear was coming true. It couldn’t be, could it?

  Could I be in love with him?

  The ride home was quiet. I was distracted by my thoughts and Seth was exhausted from his first night on the job. I didn’t mind the silence. It gave me some time to collect myself.

  I tried not to glance at Seth from the corner of my eye. He hadn’t treated me any differently since the conversation with Chad, but it was all I could think about – that I was his boss, his employer. I controlled his job, his finances – I was hyperaware of how much power I had over him, and it was overwhelming.

  I didn’t want to turn out like Adrian.

  “Hey,” Seth said, breaking me out of my thoughts.

  “Hm?”

  “When we have a day off, do you wanna go somewhere?” he asked. “Like, just to hang out?”

  My heart pounded. Was he asking me on a date?

  My first instinct was to reject him. If he did have feelings for me, I needed to shake him off, fast. A relationship between us would only end in trouble.

  “Isaac?” he asked. He smiled, waving a hand. “You in there?”

  “Ah, yes, sorry,” I said. I needed to respond – but blowing him off right away would be horribly impolite. I bit my tongue before saying, “Yes, I would like that.”

  “Awesome!” he said. “Can we check out that pet store on Main street? I haven’t been there in ages. There’s a neat coffee shop right next door to it, too.”

  I nodded. “Sounds interesting.”

  He laughed as he leaned back in the seat. “You know, I had so much fun today. I’ve never had a proper job before. It’s so cool!”

  Despite my nerves, I smiled. It was good to see him starting to come out of his shell. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

  “I didn’t know it was so exhilarating to be on stage,” he continued. He was making quick expressive gestures with his hands. I guessed Ryan must have rubbed off on him already. “Like, all these people on the dance floor are there for you, you know? Well, actually, most of them are probably there for Ryan, but. Anyway, I actually, um – ” Seth paused.

  “Hm?”

  “I wanted to ask you something else,” he said.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  Seth’s hands fell into his lap and he began fidgeting. “Well, I’ve been wondering this whole time, but… how did you decide to start a gay club?”

  “Ah,” I said with a slow smile. “I’ve been waiting for this question.”

  “Hey, come on, anyone would be curious,” Seth said. He lowered his voice. “I mean… are you even…?”

  I braked a little too hard as the light shifted from yellow to red.

  “Oof.”

  “Sorry,” I muttered. My pulse was racing again. Why would he be asking me that unless he was interested? But then again, why would he be interested in me? My thoughts were a complete mess.

  “Isaac – ”

  A second after Seth spoke, the car behind me honked its horn. The light had turned green again while I was battling my insecurities. I steadily hit the gas.

  Silence fell on us. It was Seth who broke it after a moment.

  “Sorry, was that a weird question?” he asked. “You don’t have to answer. It was intrusive of me.”

  There was that tone in his voice again – the meek one that took over whenever he thought he was in the wrong. In the time I’d known him, he’d slowly began speaking in a more confident and outgoing voice – his true voice. But now I’d made him revert to his old one. I grew angry at myself.

  “No, it’s fine,” I said, a little too harshly. Instantly I regretted it as I watched him sink into the seat from the corner of my eye. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Sorry, I – I must not be in a good mood right now.”

  “That’s okay,” Seth said quietly. His voice sounded glassy and far away as he looked out the window now.

  My heart broke. I had hurt him. He was still fragile after escaping the mess with Adrian, and taking care of him was my responsibility – and now I was ruining it with my anxiety and jumbled mess of thoughts. I had to fix this situation now before it got worse.

  “It wasn’t originally a gay bar,” I began. Seth’s interest piqued and he turned back to me.

  “It wasn’t?” he asked softly.

  “No. Back before I purchased it, it was a failing straight club,” I said with the hint of a smile. “The old owner couldn’t afford the rent anymore, so I stepped up and bought the place.”

  “Whoa,” Seth said. He paused, then asked, “What made you decide to turn it into a gay club?”

  “Simple. There were no other gay clubs in the area.”

  “Oh.” I heard a hint of disappointment in his voice. “So it was just a business decision?”

  “Not exactly,” I said with a light chuckle. “Give me a little more credit than that. I presume you already know Phoenix and Nico are both gay.”

  “I knew about Nico, yeah, but I wasn’t sure about Phoenix,” Seth said. “I just thought…”

  “Didn’t set off your gaydar, did he?” I asked.

  Seth blushed in embarrassment. “Not really.”

  “That was the problem,” I continued. “We needed a place where LGBT people could hang out and dance and meet others without having to disclose to every single person they met about their identity. At a ‘regular’ club, you have to come out every time you meet someone new. We didn’t want to have to do that.”

  Seth slowly nodded. “Yeah. That makes sense.”

  I smiled at him. “You weren’t sure if I was gay or not, were you?”

  He averted his eyes. “No. Well. I mean, yeah.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s alright. For some reason, I don’t seem to give off the gay vibe, even though I do own the only gay club in town.”

  “Maybe it’s because I never see you with anyone?” Seth said. “I mean, do you have a boyfriend?”

  “No.”

  “Oh.” He paused. “Can I ask why?”

  “Of course,” I said. “I’ve just been busy lately, I suppose. I haven’t met anyone I particularly was interested in dating.”

  That wasn’t entirely true, but I couldn’t tell Seth that.

  “I see.” Seth paused again. “Um. About that. I wanted to say sorry for that first night when I barged in and asked you to pretend to be my boyfriend.”

  “It’s quite alright,” I said. “You were in a tough situation. It was the least I could do.”

  “No, I’m serious, it was really kind of you,” Seth said. “No one’s ever done anything like that for me before.” He looked down at the car floor. “You could have just said no and sent me on my way.”

  “I suppose,” I murmured. “But then what kind of situation would you be in?”

  “But that’s the thing. I’m not your problem. I’m not your responsibility,” Seth said, gesturing wildly. “I was just a stranger. You didn’t owe anything to me. I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

&n
bsp; “That’s enough,” I said sharply. “That’s the second time you’ve suggested you’re a burden to me and I don’t want to hear it again.”

  Seth flinched away but didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but if I heard him say one more self-deprecating thing I was going to explode. The fact that he couldn’t see his own worth was maddening – and the worst part was, I had nowhere to direct my frustration.

  I parked the car. “We're here.”

  Seth

  I knew Isaac was upset. He’d been acting weird all night. I tried to loosen up the tension a few times and I thought it had worked until he snapped at me for calling myself a burden. I just didn’t understand why. That’s what I was. It was just a fact. The guy was like a fucking saint or something if he thought I wasn’t one.

  I watched him stiffly put his coat away. He was staring through the wall, which I noticed he did when he had something on his mind – which, lately, was all the time.

  I bit my lip. If it were Adrian, I never would have asked. He would let me know in no unclear terms what was bothering him. But Isaac wasn’t like that. He was quiet and kept things to himself, not wanting to bother people with his thoughts. It drove me crazy. He was the complete opposite of everything I was used to. How was I supposed to react to him?

  Why are you avoiding me?

  The question burned on the tip of my tongue, but no matter how hard I willed myself, it wouldn’t come out.

  Instead it fizzled out and I ended up muttering, “I’m going to bed.”

  “Alright,” was Isaac’s muted response.

  I turned on my heel and headed for my bedroom.

  I was in the throes of another nightmare.

  I shot up out of bed, shaken and dripping with sweat. This was one of the worst in a long time. Adrian and I were at some sort of party, and all I was trying to do was get away from him – except he blocked my every move. Finally, when he grabbed my arms, I screamed. I screamed at him to let me go, and when he didn’t, I screamed at everyone in the room. Why weren’t they helping me? Why were they just standing there like nothing was wrong?

  I brought a trembling hand up to my forehead and wiped the sweat back. My palms were clammy and my stomach felt knotted and tight. When the wind rattled the window, I almost jumped out of my skin. The stress of the nightmare had reawakened my paranoia, and now I was in its clutches again. I bit my lip to keep from whimpering as I slid under the covers. But the darkness didn’t help – it only made things worse. There were more places for things to hide in the dark.

  Adrian had plenty of time to find me.

  There was a knock on the door. In my terror, I almost started crying.

  “Seth?” I almost didn’t hear the gentle voice over my own trembling. I lowered the cover just enough to expose my eyes. “It’s me. Isaac. May I come in?”

  I could barely speak. It felt like my voice had dried up, but I had to try anyway. “Yeah.”

  The door slowly opened, and revealed an exhausted looking Isaac. Dread crawled up my spine. Had I woken him up again?

  “I’m sorry,” I said, voice shaking. “I’m really sorry.”

  His brows knitted together as he gently approached me. “Whatever for?”

  “I woke you,” I mumbled. I shut my mouth. I didn’t want to start crying and make an even bigger scene. This was embarrassing enough.

  “No, it’s alright, you didn’t,” he said. “I wasn’t sleeping.”

  To my dismay, that didn’t make me any less ashamed. “Oh.”

  “I couldn’t sleep,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his head. “I kept thinking about how rude I was to you earlier in the car.”

  Was I dreaming again? Why was he bringing that up now, of all times?

  “You weren’t,” I mumbled.

  “I was. But that doesn’t matter right now.” He leaned in, trying to see my face. “Can I do anything for you? Let’s see… We have herbal tea that’s supposed to be good for sleep, I picked some up last time I was at the store. I’ve also got earplugs, or eye masks – “

  I wasn’t listening anymore. As he spoke, Isaac got up to leave and grab the items he was listing off, but watching him stand to leave sent a shockwave of dread through me. Before I realized what I was doing, I reached out and grasped his sleeve.

  “Seth?” he asked.

  “Wait,” I whimpered.

  He didn’t move. Slowly, he shifted back towards the bed until he was sitting on the edge. My trembling fist was still curled around his sleeve.

  “Don’t go.”

  The force of my rapid heartbeat shook my frame. My whole body was shaking, like the way you convulse before being physically sick.

  “I won’t,” Isaac said quietly. “I’ll stay here as long as you need me to.”

  I bit my lip. Wordlessly, I moved over on the bed and created room for him. I was still holding his arm the entire time.

  Isaac looked down at the newly formed space, then at me. “Would you like me to stay here all night?”

  I nodded, grateful he figured it out without me speaking. He gently slid into bed. Instantly soft heat radiated off his body and soaked into me, warm and comfortable. Without thinking, I curled up in his side. His body was like an unstoppable force that pulled me in. I was desperate for any kind of comfort, and being by his side was the safest place in the entire world.

  I closed my eyes and drifted off into the first dreamless sleep in a long time.

  Chapter Eight

  Isaac

  I didn’t know how I managed to fall asleep, but I did somehow. When I woke to early morning light streaming in through the window, I wasn’t in my bedroom. I was in the guest bed with Seth curled up next to me.

  I swallowed thickly, recalling the night before. I must have spent half an hour panicking when Seth asked me to curl into bed with him, but even if he noticed my racing heartbeat, he didn’t say anything. The nightmare must have been particularly bad if he didn’t want me to leave his side. On one hand, I was relieved and touched that he felt so fondly towards me. On the other, I was terrified of exactly that.

  I thought of getting carefully out of bed and leaving him, but after his bad nightmare I didn’t think he’d want to wake up to an empty bed. Sighing, I relaxed back into place. My head sank into the pillow. During the night, Seth had turned so that his back was to my chest.

  We were spooning.

  My heart rate sped up again. I was glad he was still asleep, otherwise he’d feel the embarrassing pounding of my chest against his back.

  It felt good – I couldn’t deny that. But this couldn’t happen. I had drilled that into my mind already. I was his employer, and he was my employee. Even this contact was too intimate. The moment I decided to create a healthy distance between us, it was shattered.

  I shut my eyes. At least for now I could take guilty pleasure in his warmth and the feeling of holding him in my arms.

  Adrian was wrong. I knew that know. I was a fool to ever doubt Seth. I saw the harm Adrian inflicted on him every time Seth flinched away, or averted his eyes when anyone so much as raised their voice near him. Anger twisted in my stomach. When he’d accidentally broken the bowl, he acted like his world was going to end. That wasn’t something that just happened.

  Seth mumbled as he roused. He shifted a little before turning his head back to me. “Isaac?”

  “I’m here,” I said.

  He groaned softly. “What happened last night?”

  “You had a bad nightmare,” I explained. “I came in to check up on you and… you asked me to stay.”

  “Oh.” His voice sounded small. “Sorry.”

  “It’s alright.” Not being able to lie, I added, “I didn't mind.”

  “Oh, good,” he murmured. His shoulders sagged. “I remember now. My nightmare.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.

  He shrugged weakly. “It was just another one with Adrian in it. He was… grabbing me and no one would help. They all just
stared and watched.”

  My heart broke for him again. “That’s awful,” I said. “You’re safe now. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

  Seth’s eyes flickered to mine and he held my gaze for what felt like an eternity. Finally he turned his body so our chests faced each other and he curled up into my collarbone. He was trembling, and despite my reservations about closeness, I couldn’t help but reach my arms around him. I soothingly stroked his back.

  “You’re alright now,” I said. “You’re safe.”

  Seth nodded. “Thanks.”

  We stayed like that for a moment in silence. I tried not to think about how Seth probably felt my heart beating like thunder in my chest. To my complete horror, the physical closeness was stirring something else inside me that I didn’t want. It was bad enough I was falling for my younger employee, but I certainly did not need the lust that accompanied it.

  As if Seth knew, he nuzzled closer. My body tensed. Morning wood (as much as I hated that term) wasn't uncommon, but it usually wasn’t something you ever had to deal with anyone noticing. I forced out a sigh and prayed he wouldn’t accidentally brush against it.

  Thankfully, he broke through my panicked flurry of thoughts. “Hey, um, what time do we have work today?”

  I thought about it for a moment. “It’s Friday, isn’t it? It’s your off day, actually.”

  “Oh.” He blinked. “What about you?”

  I shrugged. “Well, technically I can take any day off. I own the place, after all.”

  The fact that this hadn’t occurred to him before was very endearing. His eyes widened. “Oh! Then… did you want to, um, do that thing we talked about?”

  I recalled our conversation in the car last night. At the time it sounded suspiciously like a date, but then again, it was only going to a pet store and getting a coffee. In my panic I must have blown things out of proportion. Besides, with the way he was staring up at me with his big eyes, how could I say no?

  “Ah, yes. Let’s do that,” I said. The smile that lit up his face at that moment was beautiful. “I guess I should go get dressed for a day out.”