Finding Amy

by Poppen, Sharon

  The first bars of the wedding march rang out from the massive organ in the balcony and Amy appeared clutching her father’s arm. She resembled my childhood imagination of what an angel would look like in her flowing white dress. There was a mystical aura about her and I felt like I was dreaming.

  When they reached the altar, her father lifted the veil and stroked her cheek for a moment before kissing her forehead. He turned to me. I was shocked to see tears threaten as he put her hand in mine. His grip was firm as he whispered, “I’m so happy she found you.” He turned abruptly and took his place next to his wife. I noticed that his eyes had cleared and his characteristic, disinterested expression had returned.

  For all the preparation, the actual wedding ceremony took only moments. My only clear memory is looking into Amy’s eyes and hearing her soft voice say, “I do.”

  On the other hand, the reception lasted forever. I was introduced to dozens of people and had to watch my new wife from a distance as her mother spirited her from table to table. Occasionally, I’d catch her eye and she’d reward me with a smile. After the dinner had been cleared away, the music began and thank goodness for tradition. I finally got to hold Amy in my arms as we began our first dance as husband and wife. But, that was our last dance of the evening, with each other. A trail of men claimed a dance with Amy, while Boston’s elite young girls and women chatted my ears off as they had their dance with the cowboy from Texas.

  Just when I thought I couldn’t take another minute of it, Amy appeared on the bandstand dressed in a white linen travel suit. She threw her bouquet and we were finally free. The family chauffeur took us to the airport and finally we were alone and on our way to Hawaii. It had bothered me when her mother arranged the trip as a wedding gift, but now that we were on our way I allowed myself to relax and actually feel somewhat grateful to the old girl.

  We were on a red-eye direct flight from Boston to San Francisco. Our first class seats provided lots of room and some privacy. The stewardess had delivered a bottle of champagne as soon as the seat belt warning was turned off. Most of the passengers were sleeping so I raised the armrest between us and pulled Amy into my arms. We sipped the bubbly, whispered and made out for about an hour. Her intermittent yawns let me know she was having trouble staying awake and truth be known so was I. Soon, her head was on a pillow in my lap and we slept.

  I woke to the stewardess’ announcement that it was time to buckle up for our San Francisco landing. After a four hour layover, we were again airborne and on our way to Hawaii. We arrived in Honolulu mid-afternoon. By the time we retrieved our luggage, found a cab and got checked into our hotel it was dinnertime. Neither of us felt hungry, so I called room service and asked that they send up some champagne and a fruit platter.

  I could see that Amy was nervous and tried to control my desire to pull her into the king-size bed and lose myself in her body. We had unpacked by the time our refreshments arrived. I poured our drinks, took her hand and walked out onto the balcony. We sipped, talked and watched the sun begin its nightly descent behind a spectacular view of Diamond Head. I was kissing and caressing her as she snuggled in my arms.

  “Honey, I want to make love to my wife.” I lifted her chin and looked into her eyes.

  Her smile was timid, but an attempt at agreement. She nodded and spoke softly “I know, but I need to freshen up first.”

  I hugged her close for a moment, then released her. “Don’t make me wait too long, Sweetheart.”

  She was already back in the suite and gathering her nightwear. She slipped into the bathroom and shortly I could hear the shower. I unpacked a pair of pajamas and a silk robe, again gifts from her parents. I hadn’t worn pajamas since junior high. As I started to put them on, I decided I needed a shower too. I was surprised to find the bathroom door locked. Apparently, she wasn’t ready for company as yet, so I slipped into the pajamas and robe.

  After what seemed like hours, the door opened to my angel wearing a soft and silky, ivory negligee. She hesitated in the doorway. I patted the sofa next to me and held out a glass of champagne. Once she was beside me with her perfume doing its magic on my senses, I nearly forgot about my shower. Reluctantly, I pulled away.

  “Amy, I need a shower. Wait right here. I won’t be but a couple of minutes.”

  She smiled nervously and nodded. I pulled the food cart over and fed her a strawberry. Her smile broadened. “Hold that thought.” I smiled and disappeared into the bathroom. I left the door ajar hoping for company, but I showered alone. Within minutes, I was back on the couch dressed only in my pajama bottoms. I turned off the lights leaving us visible to each other only in the moonlight streaming into our suite.

  It seemed like ages since those first few days back in Texas when we met. With her in my arms my urges were becoming stronger in anticipation of what the night was to bring. We kissed and explored with our hands, taking it ever so slowly. We fed each other pieces of fruit and her giggles affirmed my belief that I was opening up new worlds and experiences for her. Eventually, we got serious and my hands began their search of her forbidden places. She trembled, but did not stay my hands.

  I carried her to the bed. She was trembling and quiet as I slipped in beside her.

  I pulled her into my embrace and felt her arms slip around to caress my back in response. My kisses moved from her face, to her throat and down to the top of her breast as my hand came up to cup it. My mouth moved down to the nipple and I suckled it through the satin gown. Her trembling increased as my hand eased across her abdomen and on down to caress her inner thigh.

  She whimpered and pushed at my chest.

  I stopped and brought my hands to her face as I whispered into her hair and ears. “It’s okay, honey, we’ll go slow. Just relax. I love you. You make me feel so good.”

  “I’m so scared,” she whispered back.

  I eased back in the bed and pulled her head against my shoulder. “It’s okay. Let’s rest a moment.” I continued to kiss her hair and caress her arm. Eventually her trembling stopped. I lifted her chin and in the moonlight was shocked to see her eyes closed. She was sleeping. I moaned from physical as well as emotional hurt. How could this be? I moved to wake her, then thought better of it. We would be married for a long time. I’d have plenty of time to show her how beautiful physical love could be. The disappointment and frustration were too much for my tired mind and body. Exhaustion hit and I fell asleep. My final thoughts were of the sweet love to come.

  *****

  I woke to bright sunlight splayed across my face. It took me a few moments to realize where I was and remember that I was on my honeymoon. I reached out for Amy only to find myself alone.

  “Good morning, sleepy head.” Amy put down the book she’d been reading.

  My mood soured when I noticed she was already dressed for the day.

  “I thought you would never wake up. I’ve already called room service for our breakfast. It should be arriving right about now.”

  And sure enough a knock on the door announced its arrival.

  Reluctantly I got out of bed and we ate our first breakfast together as man and wife. After breakfast I tried to get her interested in going back to bed, but she already had our agenda made out for the day. Her mother had told her where to go and what to see, so away we went.

  We got back to the hotel early that evening. Although we were both tired, it had been a nice day and Amy seemed so happy and relaxed that I just knew everything would be fine that night. I was proud of myself for not being forceful on our first night together. We were both still unwinding from the big wedding. After dinner in the hotel dining room, we went for a swim. Seeing her in the one-piece suit that hid much of her skin, but accented her curves, really turned me on.

  I sensed Amy’s withdrawal from conversation as we took the elevator back to our room. The door to our suite was hardly closed before she disappeared into the bathroom. I heard the sound of the shower. I needed to shed the salt water too and tried to open the door,
again I found it locked. I called to her, but the roar of the water must have drowned out my words.

  She came out from her shower as beautiful as the previous night. My shower only took a few minutes, but by the time I got to bed she was already sound asleep. My attempts to wake her elicited only sleepy mumblings. I gave up and went to sleep a very unhappy groom.

  *****

  The next morning, she was up, dressed and had breakfast ordered again. My mood was testy and short, but she didn’t ask why or even seem to notice. We left for more sightseeing and shopping. When I tried to talk to her about my frustration, she deftly changed the subject.

  When we got back to the hotel that evening, I told her we had to talk. She agreed, but claimed to be starved and wanted to have dinner first. I had no appetite and noticed that neither did she. Not a word was spoken as we returned to our suite. As soon as the door closed, I began.

  “Look honey, I don’t want to rush you or anything, but do you realize that we’ve been married a couple of days now and technically speaking we aren’t husband and wife yet.”

  She twisted her hands nervously in her lap. “Of course we are. We became husband and wife the minute we said I do.” She made an attempt at a weak smile.

  I was not smiling. “Amy, you know what I mean. What’s the matter, honey?”

  “I told you the first night. I’m afraid.”

  I reached out, gently took her hands in mine and caressed them. “Darling, let me show you how wonderful it can be. I’ll be slow and gentle and it will be a wonderful experience for both of us. You’ll never be afraid again. I’ll show you that it isn’t something to fear, but to look forward to, to desire. Like I desire you, right now.” I kissed her hands.

  “I’m just so afraid and to be naked is so … so .. embarrassing.”

  “Baby, come here.” I pulled her into my arms. “Let me show you how much I love you and how natural it is. You have a beautiful body and should be proud of it, not embarrassed.” I caressed her hair and face. “Please, trust me. I would never hurt you.”

  She snuggled closer and allowed me to lift her chin for a kiss. I reached over and turned out the lamp. Again, the moonlight provided us with a soft, relaxed luminescence. It created a mood that was soothing my jangled frustrations and lulling me along with a feeling that things were finally going to work out.

  I kept my pace slow so as not to frighten her further. After some whispers of love, I picked her up and carrier her to the bed. I helped her slip out of her dress. She slipped under the sheet to remove her bra and panties. I stripped and slid in under the sheet with her. As I took her in my arms, she was trembling. I tried to hold her close, but had to watch the bottom part of my body. It was definitely ready. In the moonlight, I leaned up on my elbow and savored the beauty of her beautiful hair and face. Her eyes were tightly closed. I couldn’t help but smile as I accepted the fact that it was going to be an uphill challenge to gain her trust and a warm response.

  I kissed her and assured her of my love. Eventually I reached for her hand and pulled it to lie on my hip. I kissed the tops of her breasts. My hand gently urged her hand down my abdomen. With gentle whispers of pleasure, I guided her hand to flutter lightly through my lower hair bringing it to rest on my excited penis. Her body jerked. She pulled away from me and ran into the bathroom. I closed my eyes and lay there listening to the sounds of retching.

  By the time I got to her, she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub wrapped in a large white towel. The harsh bathroom light accentuated her pale, frightened face. I was too mad to care. I had been too good for too damn long. In my anger, I reasoned that she was my wife and I had a right to her.

  She looked up at me with sad, brown, tear-filled eyes. She cried, “Oh, Danny, I just can’t. I really tried, but it’s so awful.”

  “Awful?” I yelled at her. “How the hell would you know? You won’t let me do anything. You won’t relax. You won’t listen to me.” I was angry and my words were loud and harsh. “What’s the matter with you? I’m your husband! Don’t you realize that? Don’t you care? I love you. I want you. Why don’t you love and want me as well?”

  She was cringing and shrinking back. Her tears were flowing freely as she sobbed. “Mother was right. She said it would be like this. She said you would probably act gentle at first, but look out if you didn’t get your way. Mother was right!” She buried her face in her hands as if trying to protect herself from me.

  The word mother registered loud and clear in my head. The old bitch was here in my bedroom and trying to take my wife away from me. I knelt in front of Amy. “Honey, is that what it is? Your mother told you all about it? Listen, it sounds like she apparently she had sex problems. That doesn’t mean you will.”

  Amy kept sobbing into her hands. “Mother was right. Mother was right.”

  I didn’t touch her as I talked to her softly. “Amy, please look at me. Look at my face.” My anger redirected itself to her mother while my heart went out to my poor frightened wife.

  She looked up. I cringed at the fear in her eyes. It brought images of cornered wild animals that my brothers and I had tracked across the Texas plains. “Listen.” I reached for her hand. She cringed as I took it gently. “Sweetheart, come back to bed. I’ll not touch you. Come on.” I urged her to her feet as I flipped the light off. I was afraid my nudity would set her off again.

  She allowed me to lead her back to the bed. As she lay there in the towel, I covered her with the sheet and kissed her forehead lightly. I slipped into my pants and thought about wandering down to walk the beach. I needed to let off steam and think. Maybe get a stiff drink. But as I reached for my shoes, Amy moaned in her sleep and curled into a tight ball. I decided it might not be a good idea to leave her alone just now. I flopped down on the sofa and stared out at Diamond Head shimmering romantically in the moonlight. Romance, hah. I almost laughed.

  Then, as I stared at the mountain it seemed to take on the shape of a wall, an insurmountable wall. Christ, I hoped it wasn’t an omen, because right now I didn’t have a clue about what to do. I thought about Dad and my brothers and wished I could talk with them. She would have to see a doctor. But would she? I’d have to make her do it, if I wanted to save my marriage. Hell, if I wanted to make a marriage.

  Thoughts of her mother brought some clarity. I understood now why she had been so pure before the marriage. There had been other signs now that I looked back on things.

  It dawned on me that she never called me by any term of endearment, no honey or dear. She had said she wanted to marry me, but she seldom said she loved me. When she did, it was only in response to my declaration of love for her or if I asked her if she loved me. Damn, what I fool. I had allowed myself to be blinded by love, to be led by my cock. I wallowed in self-pity for a while.

  Then, my normally optimistic nature kicked in as I remembered that she did conquer her fears and defy her mother enough to marry me. Maybe in some crazy way she really does love me. Surely a doctor could see her through this and everything would work out okay. After all, we’re young. We have a lifetime ahead of us. I did plenty of thinking before greeting the first rays of dawn and falling off into a fitful sleep.

  I woke to the sound of the shower. She was already up. I ran my fingers through my hair as I sat up. Damn, what was I going to say to her when she came out? Poor Amy must be thinking the same thing. I was probably the last person she wanted to see this morning.

  For the next ten minutes I debated about what I should do. After I donned my shirt, I almost left to get some coffee. But the silence in the bathroom had me unnerved and I couldn’t make myself leave. I was about to rap on the door to check on her, when she emerged looking as fresh as a new rose and twice as beautiful. I blinked at her composed and calm appearance. I began to wonder if last night had been a bad dream. Her words brought me back to the dark reality.

  “Danny, if you want to go home now and have the marriage annulled, I’ll understand.”

  I was unable to
breathe. The room echoed the quiet. We stared at each other for what seemed an eternity before I managed to croak out, “Is that what you want?”

  “I deceived you. I had a feeling that I had sexual … ah … problems, but I was hoping that by being married I could overcome them, because I really do love you. But, my fears and inhibitions are too great. Last night made it apparent I can’t … can’t.” Her eyes teared. “You were cheated.” Surprisingly, she found the courage to keep looking at me as she made her confession.

  My brain was in a whirl. Did she really say she loved me? I took a breath and felt my heart jump. She did love me; I knew it. I took a step toward her, but she took a step back. Memories of last night flooded back as I asked; “If you knew you had these fears, these inhibitions, why didn’t you see a doctor before we got married?”

  “I thought about doing that, but mother said my feelings were normal and that men were just naturally disgusting.” At this point, she dropped her eyes and continued. “And she was right about the way you acted last night what with all the yelling.”

  I walked out onto the balcony and looked at the insurmountable mountain. What should I say? Should I leave it that way and admit what I fool I had been? She came and stood at the railing a few feet down from me. He scent drifted over and reminded me that despite everything I still loved her. I needed to find the right words. I turned to her.

  “You know Amy, your mother could be wrong. She may not love you and be looking out for you happiness so much as trying to control you.” She didn’t even try to refute my suggestion. “I guess the ball is in your court. You’re going to have to decide which one of us you trust the most. If it’s your mother, I’ll agree to the annulment and take you home today.”