Finding Amy

by Poppen, Sharon

  She wet her lips and looked out at the mountain as I went on.

  “But, if you love and trust me, I would like to try to make this work for us. We’ll get counseling together and try to work through your problems.”

  She faced me again.

  “It’s up to you, Amy. You need to think about it carefully.” I reached out and touched her chin. “She tensed, but did not move away. “But remember, I love you so very much and I truly believe that we can get through this and make our marriage work.” I stroked her cheek before turning and going in to take my shower.

  When I came out, she was sitting on the sofa. “Danny, I’m going to need time to think.”

  “I understand,” I agreed. “I’m going out by myself for a while. I need to sort things out in my mind too.” She nodded as I told her when I’d be back. “I’ll meet you here this evening.”

  She stood as I opened the door. She managed a slight smile. “This evening.”

  *****

  I roamed the island, mostly the beaches for the rest of the day. My common sense said, “Run Danny, just run and keep running.” Then my heart would speak. It said, “She needs you. Don’t let her go back to her mother. She won’t have any life at all in that case.” In the end I decided I’d take her back to Texas and try to work things out. That is, with her agreement. But, she had to agree to get some counseling. I began to feel better. I’ll get her around normal people like Phil and Pat, Mom and Dad and good old Tom. It’ll work out. At least, I hoped it would.

  She was waiting when I got back to the hotel around seven. “You’re back earlier than I expected.” She looked up from a book she had been reading.

  “I was worried about you.”

  She remained seated on the sofa as she looked up at me. “I’m fine, but I had a very soul searching day.” I noticed a cart with the remnants of her dinner and a bottle of wine. I poured each of us a glass. After handing one to her, I nodded for her to continue and sat on the other end of the sofa.

  “Danny, I’m not sure I’ll ever change.” I closed my eyes and listened. “But, if you’re willing to give it a try, than so am I.” I took a deep breath and opened my eyes as she continued. “I’ll stay with you if you want me to. We can see a doctor together.” I smiled and reached out for her hand. She let me hold it as she continued. “But, only on the condition that you won’t touch me …,” she looked at the bed and then back to me, “or expect anything for awhile.”

  I continued to caress her hand. Both my mind and my heart were screaming. “Run!” “No, stay.” I listened to my heart.

  “I’m glad Amy. We’ll leave tomorrow morning. We can be back in Texas by tomorrow night and see the doctor as soon as possible. Doctor Andrews has been our family doctor for years and he’ll know what to do if anyone does. I won’t touch you until you ask me to.”

  Her eyes registered surprise and concern. “Texas?”

  “It’s the only way. It’s my condition for this arrangement.” I released her hand, stood and walked to the balcony door. “You see Amy, truthfully speaking, I want to keep you as far away from your mother as I can until we get things straight.”

  She looked frightened. “But they have excellent doctors in Boston. They would probably be more knowledgeable about these things than a country doctor.”

  “Texas.”

  She met my eyes, took a deep breath and nodded. “Alright, Texas it is.”

  *****

  We were a completely different couple on the plane headed to Texas. I was uncharacteristically quiet and moody. She was more talkative and friendly now that she knew I wasn’t expecting any wifely affection from her. It was as though a load had been lifted from her. Underneath my annoyance I still held out hope that we would in fact work things out.

  My folks were surprised to hear we were coming back so soon, but only Tom made any comment. He picked us up at the Houston airport. After we got Amy seated in the cab of his pickup, he helped me stow our luggage in the truck bed. He put his hand on my shoulder.

  “Moving mountains, little brother?”

  I looked at him in question.

  “You’ve got that look in your eye like you’re trying to move a mountain.” He was serious.

  I nodded. “Thanks, Tom. It’ll be okay. We’ve got some adjusting to do, but we’ll be okay.” I tried for a smile, but knew it came out in a grimace.

  He didn’t smile. “Danny, let me know if I can help in any way.”

  I nodded.

  “I mean it, Dan.” He gave my shoulder a quick squeeze before dropping his hand.

  “I know you do and I appreciate it.” I touched his forearm briefly.

  As we climbed into the truck, Tom tried to ease the obvious tension with his usual corny wit. “Well, beautiful,” he said to Amy, “I tried to ditch him so I could get my beautiful sister-in-law alone and show her that she picked the wrong brother. But, seems my brother is crazy about you and doesn’t trust me alone with you. Dang! Here I drive all this way to pick him up and all I get is grief. How do you put up with him?”

  Amy smiled, but made no comment.

  “Oh, I see. You two are going to stick together. Just for that, you have to listen to my latest tape.” With a snap he pushed the cassette in and out blared Credence Clearwater. Soon we were all singing along and having the best time I’d had in weeks. In between listening to his array of tapes, Tom managed some light banter that made the trip to Sparta almost pleasurable.

  He dropped us off at the only motel in town. I knew my mother was not happy about it, but I knew Amy would be more comfortable. I smiled to see my pickup truck parked outside one of the rooms. Tom said Dad and Phil had brought it over. Tom unloaded the luggage and left right away to pick up his date for the evening.

  I didn’t want to see anyone so we ordered Pizza for dinner and ate it as we watched the fuzzy picture on the motel television. The twin beds were reassuring to Amy, but they appeared to be laughing at me with their gaily-colored spreads. It was an early night for both of us. I didn’t sleep much and I got the feeling she was awake most of the night too.

  *****

  After breakfast at the local diner, I called Dr. Andrews. I told Jenny, his nurse, that it was something we would like to keep private. She said to come in at five that very afternoon.

  The office waiting room was empty when Amy and I arrived. Jenny came out to meet me with a hug and a warm handclasp for Amy. She congratulated us, then teased me by asking how on earth I had managed to catch such a beauty as we were ushered into the doctor’s private office. I had a feeling she had an idea of what was going on and was trying to relax us. I had known her all my life, but had never fully appreciated her caring demeanor until now. She stayed and chatted until Dr, Andrews appeared in the doorway before excusing herself.

  He echoed her congratulations and commented on what a lovely girl I had caught. Amy blushed and fidgeted in her chair.

  Once the doctor was seated behind his desk, he became serious. His gaze took in the both of us as he asked, “Well now. What seems to be the problem?”

  “Amy and I have been married since last Saturday and she’s still a virgin,” I began. I described the first few days of our honeymoon as my wife sat mute and let me do all the talking. I didn’t notice that I was doing the same thing to her that her mother did. I was speaking for her. Doctor Andrews let me ramble on.

  Occasionally, he would ask Amy directly, “Is that the way it was?” or “Is that how you feel?”

  Her answers were always brief, often only one-word. This was proving very difficult for her.

  When I finally stopped talking, Doc eyed us silently for a few moments, then clasped his hands and began. “I’m sorry that things have been kind of rough for you kids. You’re right, there are some basic issues here that you’ll both have to address.” We waited in silence for him to continue. “If it’s any consolation to you, I can tell you that I have couples come to me from time to time with this same problem.” I raised my eyebrow
s in surprise as he continued. “I must be honest with you and tell you that sometimes we work things out and then again sometimes we don’t.”

  “Is there any specific reason some couples fail to resolve the problem?” I had to ask.

  “There’s no easy answer, Danny. A lot depends on what caused these feelings, how long it took for them to form and most importantly how strong the love between the couple is.”

  I reached out and Amy let me hold her hand. It was sweaty despite the coolness of the air-conditioned room. “Well Doc, we love each other very much. That gives us a good chance, right?”

  He smiled. “It won’t hurt. But you need to understand it may not be easy to find the solution and it’s probably going to take some time and patience from both of you.” He looked at me directly. “Danny, I’ve known you all your life. I pretty well know what makes you tick so I won’t need to see much of you until I have a few sessions with Amy.” I nodded. “But I need a promise from you?”

  “Yes?” I had a strong feeling about what the promise was going to be.

  “Don’t expect anything from Amy until I talk to you again. Can you promise me, or rather promise Amy, that you’ll be patient?”

  I looked at my wife and squeezed her hand. “I can be patient. I can wait.” I turned back to the doctor. “You have my word.”

  “Good.” He looked at Amy. “Are you alright with this young lady?”

  She pulled her hand from me and clutched the arms of her chair. “Do you mean that I will have to come here by myself?”

  His voice was soft and gentle, yet firm. “Yes. I need to get to know you. I need to know how you feel about yourself, among other things, before I can begin to make recommendations.”

  Amy seemed to be having trouble finding her voice.

  “She’ll be her. I promise.” I answered for her.

  “Amy?” The doctor waited for her to agree.

  Finally, in almost a whisper, “I’ll be here.”

  “Good.” He smiled. “We’ll start tomorrow at this time.” He stood up and urged us to the door. He shook my hand and touched Amy’s shoulder. “Keep a positive attitude and we’ll give it our best efforts.” He smiled warmly.

  “Thanks Doc. Just make her well for me. I love her and want her to be happy.”

  I couldn’t have been more surprised when Amy took hold of my hand and spoke to the doctor.

  “Yes doctor, please help me. I love him and want to be his wife.” Just as quickly she dropped my hand and left the office.

  The doctor and I exchanged glances before I followed her out to my truck.

  We left the doctor’s office feeling quite hopeful about our future and even Amy seemed more relaxed. I took her to dinner and the movies. Then back to the motel and our separate beds to begin my sleepless, lonely nights.

  *****

  We settled in and to friends and family we looked like a normal newly wed couple. We were as happy as the circumstances would allow. For the next three weeks, Amy saw the doctor every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I noticed no improvement after each session, but things didn’t get any worse either.

  We had rented a nice furnished apartment on the edge of town and I had begun to work out on the ranch everyday with my Dad and brothers. Mom and Pat were great during this part of my marriage. They never asked questions and both did everything to make Amy feel loved and welcome at family doings. Amy spent many of her days out at Phil and Pat’s and said she really liked their two little boys. But she never let herself completely relax.

  Then the Gods saw fit to frown on me once again. One evening, I walked into the apartment and found my mother-in-law sitting on the sofa. I had come home early and was going to surprise Amy when she came home from her doctor’s appointment by taking her out to dinner. Mrs. Harrington and I were respectful, but not friendly, to each other.

  I finally got Amy off by herself. “Did you go to the doctor today?”

  “I couldn’t, Danny. Mother arrived early this morning and I couldn’t very well leave her alone.”

  “Did you know she was coming?”

  “No. It was a complete surprise when she called me from the airport.”

  “How long is she going to stay?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Find out. And by the way, she’s not staying here with us.”

  “I know. She has a room at the motel where we stayed and has already rented a car so she won’t be a burden on us. My father is coming tomorrow.”

  “Oh great.” I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. “It sounds as though they’re planning a long visit.”

  “Please Danny,” her eyes were pleading for understanding. “I’m their only child. They said they wanted to be sure I was okay way out here in Texas.”

  Her sad eyes got to me. I pulled her into my arms. She was stiff, but she didn’t try to move away. “Okay, but no more missing your doctor appointments.” I lifted her chin and kissed her forehead. “Promise?”

  “I promise.” She laid her head against my chest.

  I risked another kiss on the top of her head and breathed in the sweet smell of her hair as I ran my hands up and down her arms. In the last few days, she was responding to my light kisses and caresses. We didn’t do it too often or too long, as I was afraid of my ability to control my self. We’d come this far and I didn’t want to screw things up.

  This time, however, she slipped out of my arms and cautioned. “Not now, mother is in the next room.”

  I wanted to go back out to the ranch, but knew it was in my best interests to stay close to Amy and keep an eye on the situation around here. I bit the bullet and tried to be social to Mrs. Harrington, but she didn’t even try to work with me.

  We went to dinner at the country club. Amy and I ate out often anyway, as she wasn’t a very good cook. We ate our steaks over her mother’s litany of negative observations about our town. She rarely spoke directly to me, my good fortune, and most of the evening I felt like the invisible man.

  On our drive home, I asked Amy if her mother had asked anything about our marriage. She said no, but I got the feeling that the old bat already knew everything from start to finish which was probably why Amy had missed her doctor appointment. I knew I had better keep my eyes and ears open while her folks were here. I could only hope their visit would be short.

  My hope was short lived. As it turned out, her father had recently been diagnosed with hypertension and digestive ulcers. His doctor had recommended a six-month rest and recuperation period. They closed up their Boston house and rented a place here in Sparta. They settled in for a six-month stay.

  Amy went back to the doctor for her next appointment and things seemed to be going smoothly. Then one afternoon, I called Doc Andrews’s office to see if I could catch Amy. I wanted to ask her if she would like to have dinner with my brother Tom and his girlfriend that evening. Jenny said Amy wasn’t there, but that Doctor Andrews wanted to talk with me. She quickly put me on hold. Doc was brief. He sounded busy or distracted and couldn’t talk right then and hung up after asking me to come to his office after five that evening.

  I guess I’m a born optimist because I just knew he had good news for me. Amy had been as affectionate as I could expect lately and I was all set for the good news. After all, we had been married for over three months at this point.

  When I arrived, Jenny showed me into the private office, where to my surprise Doctor Andrews was waiting for me, alone. No Amy.

  He saw me scan the room for her. “She’s not here, Danny.”

  “I just assumed that you wanted to see both of us?”

  “I needed to see just you. Sit down.” He gestured to the chair I had sat in on our first visit. The empty chair next to me began to seem ominous. When I was seated, he asked, “Danny, how do you feel things are going between the two of you?”

  “Okay, I guess. We have our affectionate moments, but we keep it light.”

  He nodded. “I told you that after I had a few sessi
ons with Amy, I would talk to you again. I imagine you were beginning to wonder what was taking us so long.”

  “Well yes, as a matter of fact I was. But you stressed patience at our first meeting so I just figured you knew best. You’d let me know when you wanted to see me.”

  He smiled sadly. “Thanks for the confidence.” His smile faded. “Danny, Amy and I have talked and talked. She is one disturbed young lady. It’s very hard to get her to communicate her inner thoughts and emotions. I believe she sincerely wants to be helped and I’m convinced that she does loves you.” I smiled, but Doc held up a hand in caution, as he continued. “It’s not good news that I’m going to be giving you, son. She has a wall built around feelings on sex and believe me it is a well cemented wall.”

  “Are you telling me there’s no hope?”

  “I don’t know, Danny. We were making some progress and had made a dent in some of her barriers, but then her mother came to town.”

  I groaned.

  The doctor continued, “That’s your problem as much as anything.” I nodded. “I’m convinced that without her, Amy might gradually come around.”

  I brightened and sat up straight. “Doc, that’s the best news I’ve had in months.

  Doctor Andrews held his hands up in warning. “Danny, don’t get too excited by that. Unfortunately, by gradually, I’m talking in terms of months or possibly years. As it stands now, every minute she spends with her mother takes us back instead of forward. She is a very confused child.”

  “A child?” I must have heard him wrong.

  “Yes, I said child. She’s a child with regard to sex. Her mother has done a real piece of work programming this girl with a terrible fear and distrust of men. In fact, I think her mother needs psychiatric help desperately. She is one twisted women with a sick mind when it comes to men and the sex act.”