Finding Amy

by Poppen, Sharon

  *****

  During her father’s recuperation period, her mother had moved in on the little social circle in Sparta. In Boston, she had been one of the socialites. Here, she was ‘the’ socialite and the opportunity to dominate was too tempting for her too resist. She could be quite charming when she wanted something. Some of the local wannabes fawned over her and seemed to enjoy her company. So it was not a total surprise when they moved to Sparta permanently. Her dad bought into a small law firm in Houston and took on a few clients. I was not thrilled.

  Our next big event came just before our first anniversary. I came home one evening to find Amy lying across the bed sobbing hysterically.

  I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her into my arms. “Honey, what’s wrong. Please don’t cry. Tell me.”

  She looked up with a terrible fear in her eyes. “Oh Danny, I’m so stupid. I was careless about taking my birth control pills and now I’m pregnant”

  My heart leapt. “Amy, are you sure? Have you been to the doctor?”

  She nodded. “This afternoon. I went to Dr. Andrews. The baby will be born in about seven months.” She pulled away from me and threw herself back onto the bed. “I want to die,” she sobbed.

  I rubbed her back. “Why?” I was so excited and wanted her to be excited and happy about it too. “Honey, this is wonderful news. You’ve made me so happy.” I gathered her back into my arms and covered her tear-drenched face with soft kisses.

  “Happy? Do you realize what I’ll have to go through? My mother told me all about when I was born. She said she wanted to die it was so painful.”

  I held her in my arms and talked softly to her, like talking to a child. “Things are different now. Besides look at my mother, she had three of us and she would have had more if she hadn’t had that cancer on her ovary. Children are a wonderful addition to a marriage. Maybe this is just what we need.” I pulled her close and kissed her forehead. “Amy, I’m so happy!”

  She had stopped her sobbing and lay quietly in my arms. “How will we manage? This apartment is so small and I know nothing about having babies and even less about talking care of one.”

  I smiled down at her. “Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll get us a big house and I’ll get you a maid and a nurse and anything else you want.” I was babbling with enthusiasm. “A baby! Imagine, me a father. I’ve got to call my folks.” I stood and pulled her up with me. “Better still, let’s go see them. Wipe those tears away and let’s go. You’ll see. Everything will be fine.”

  My excitement must have been contagious, because Amy smiled as she slipped away to freshen her face.

  As I predicted, my folks were elated. Mom and Pat took Amy aside and told her that any questions she had, they would be glad to try to answer and that they would be available to help in any way. Phil and Pat couldn’t have been more excited to welcome us to the world of parenthood. Tom slapped me on the back and gave Amy a warm hug of congratulations. I began to predict that it was going to be a boy, a son for me to teach how to be a cowboy. Dad, Phil, Tom and I made bets on whether boy or girl.

  Mom laughed while telling Amy, “Don’t pay any attention to their silliness. It will be what it will be and all their betting won't make any difference. Besides, a baby girl would be my preference. I would love having a granddaughter. A girl would be a first for the Lawrence clan and it would be so much more fun to make little dresses instead of shirts and jeans."

  We left the folks in a great mood as we headed home. I asked Amy if she had told her parents yet.

  “No. I want to put it off as long as possible. They won’t feel about it like your family does. I can see it all now. Father will shrug his shoulders and say, ‘That’s nice dear.’ And my mother will be furious that I was so careless.”

  I started to refute her words, but realized that she was probably right.

  A month later when we did tell her folks, it was just as she predicted except for her father. He surprised me as he shook my hand.

  “Congratulations, Dan. Come. Join me for a drink.”

  We would be alone for the first time since I had met the man. Amy’s mother was busy discussing the agony of it all. I hesitated, but Amy flashed me a look indicating that she would be all right. I followed Roger into the study.

  He poured himself a martini and handed me a Coors. He sat on the sofa and waved for me to sit across from him. “Dan,” he began after his first sip, “I know how you feel. I felt the same way when Vanessa became pregnant. I was delighted when the baby turned out to be my beautiful daughter, Amy.” With a smile on his face, he averted his eyes to the ceiling as if seeing something invisible to me. The smile faded as he returned his gaze to me. “Unfortunately, I wasn’t man enough to stand up to Vanessa. Frankly, I was too busy making us rich enough to keep up with her social circle. As a result, I let her have a free hand with Amy.” He leaned forward conspiratorially. “That, Dan, was the greatest mistake of my life and I will carry the burden of that mistake with me to the grave.” He paused and sipped his drink. His eyes narrowed and he leaned even closer to me. “Take some advice. Raise your child your way in spite of Vanessa and Amy.” He leaned back and seemed to be appraising me. “You are a man’s man and I admire you for it. Take charge in raising your child. Don’t let anyone overrule you or you’ll be like me and have to face what I have to face every time I look at my poor, confused daughter.”

  Amy and her mother entered the room as Roger finished speaking. He nodded at me before turning to pick up a book and detach himself from the rest of us completely. I never forgot his words and took his advice to heart. It proved to be invaluable advice indeed.

  *****

  Amy’s pregnancy went slowly and she was sick a great deal of the time. At one point I was so worried that I called Doc Andrews to see why she was feeling so poorly. He assured me that she was doing fine and was in good health. The baby was developing nicely and everything would turn out okay. He was right.

  In the wee hours of a spring morning, Amy gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I had to pay off some bets because of my previous bragging, but they were bets I was more than willing to pay. My daughter was beautiful.

  Amy had a hard time giving birth, mostly because she made it hard for herself. She fought everyone in the hospital. She refused to breathe properly or attempt to relax between contractions so nature could take its course. Dr. Andrews threw her mother out of the labor room before it was over. I am ashamed to admit that it tickled me to death to say nothing of the pleasure it gave him.

  My folks were there for moral support and they all agreed that my daughter was the most adorable little girl on earth. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that she was the first Lawrence girl born to our family in more generations than were recorded. My girl was the apple of all Lawrence eyes.

  Amy wouldn’t look at her for a full day. She said she needed to get over the trauma of it all before she was ready to see the cause of her excruciating pain. I was in Amy’s room when the nurse brought our daughter in and handed her to Amy. It felt so right, so much like the family I’d always wanted. Amy looked little girlish herself holding our baby. I was encouraged to believe things were on the right track now. As we looked down at our girl, I realized that we had not decided on a name as yet.

  “Honey, what shall we call our angel from heaven?”

  “Angel from heaven, indeed. She didn’t feel like she was coming from heaven yesterday.”

  “She is though, sweetheart. Look at her. Doesn’t it make you proud to think that we created her? With the help of God, of course.”

  Amy caressed the baby’s head. “Yes, she is beautiful.” My girls spent a few minutes getting acquainted before the baby began to whimper. Amy flustered and looked to me. “Oh dear, she’s starting to cry. What do I do?”

  “Here, let me hold her.” I knew it was against the rules, but I held her anyway. I couldn’t wait any longer to hold my daughter in my arms. “Let’s name her now. How about Sunny, Angel,
Princess or Pretty One?” I was only half kidding with my selection of names.

  Amy laughed. “Danny, don’t be silly. You can’t give a child a name like any of those to go through life.”

  I continued to gaze at the baby. “Okay, then let’s name her Amy, Junior.”

  Amy laughed again. I looked up. She was so beautiful when she laughed. I wish I could make her do it more often. “Danny, we need to get serious.”

  I looked back down at the baby. “How can I be serious when I’m holding our daughter in my arms. I’m delirious with happiness.” After a few moments, Amy brought up a name we had talked about during her pregnancy.

  “Have you thought anymore about Suzanne?”

  “Suzanne is pretty, but I want something more descriptive now that I see how beautiful she is. She looks more like an angel. How about Angel?”

  As I cuddled the baby, Amy watched and continued to think about a name. “Dan?”

  “Yes?”

  “I think I have it. How about Suzanne Angelique?”

  “Suzanne Angelique? Hmm, I can live with that.” I reached out and took Amy’s hand and laid it gently on the baby’s head. I placed my hand atop Amy’s. “Now, our precious little daughter, we christen you Suzanne Angelique Lawrence.” I gave Amy a peck on the cheek and the baby a peck on the forehead as I whispered loudly, “but you’ll always be Susie to me.”

  “Oh no!” exclaimed Amy. “It’s Suzanne, not Susie.”

  At that point, a nurse came in to get the baby. I got a severe reprimand, but it was worth the scolding. I had gotten to hold Susie for a few minutes. My child, my daughter! I floated out of the hospital that night.

  I brought my girls to our new ranch-style house out near the city limits and the three of us settled down to learn how to be a family. I had hired a woman who kept house and did the cooking during Amy’s pregnancy. She was a jewel. For the first time in my marriage, my house was clean on a regular basis and my dinners were delicious. I was lucky enough to find the nurse who had helped my mom after her cancer surgery and she agreed to work for us as a nanny. Despite the arrival of a baby on the scene, our little household was running quite smoothly.

  Amy took a long time to get her strength back. Doc Andrews said she was pampering herself. He told us both that she had better get moving or she would never be her old self again. I tried very hard to be considerate and loving, but I must admit my focus was on Susie who had me wrapped around her little finger.

  I was truly happy for the first time in over a year. My life felt almost complete with the only flaw being my sex life with Amy. When Susie was about three months old, Amy took me back to her bed, but it was even colder than before. Now, she was terrified of another child. She told me I would have to resign myself to only one child because there would be no more. After a few nights with her, I fully understood that she meant it. It was okay with me; Susie was all I needed.

  *****

  As my daughter grew I followed her father’s advice and had a strong hand in raising her despite Amy and her mother, especially her mother. She and I had some serious disputes, but with the backing of the nanny, Mrs. Watkins, things were generally done my way. I emphatically refused to discharge the woman even though Amy and her mother claimed she was a tyrant and was completely inadequate. I was determined to raise Susie to be a Lawrence, not a Harrington.

  She grew up so quickly, so very quickly. Soon she was talking, then walking and finally horseback riding with me. We became close buddies. She was my girl completely. To me and my family, she was our beautiful little cowgirl Susie. But to Amy and her mother, She was Suzanne, who they tried desperately to make into a prima donna. Mrs. Watkins and I fought them all the way. Susie was the image of Amy in looks and yet so like me her actions. She was a bit of a rebel and always ready for a dare.

  I tired of our false lovemaking sometime around the sixth year of our marriage. I was busy with our ranch and Susie anyway so the strain wasn’t too great. However, I must admit that about this time in my life, I would slip down to Houston once a month or so to visit an old house that had comforted lonely husbands for generations. But mostly, I was satisfied with my life. I was defeating my mother-in-law and that gave me almost as much satisfaction as I needed.

  When Susie was about ten years old, Mrs. Watkins told me I had better sit Susie down and discuss the facts of life with her. I protested, saying she was still too young. The nurse told me that Amy and her mother had already been talking to Susie about such things. I saw red. That evening I went to Amy’s room. I knocked lightly and almost immediately she opened the door a crack.

  What?” She looked apprehensive.

  “We need to talk. May I come in?”

  “About what?”

  Damn! She was still beautiful. I took a deep breath to calm myself. “About Susie. Please, I would like to discuss something with you.”

  She stepped back and waved me into the room. She pointed to a divan. “Would you care to sit?”

  “No. Please close the door.”

  As she closed the door, she commented, “This must be serious for you to come in here.” Her back was to me, but I thought I detected sarcasm. Her face was blank as she sat on the divan and looked up at me in question.

  “What is this I hear about you talking about the facts of life to Susie already?”

  She nodded in understanding of my visit. “Suzanne is no longer a baby. She asked me some questions and I gave her some answers. It seems that they have been showing some films to the children at school.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about this? You know I don’t want you filling her head with your odd ideas about sex and life in general and why didn’t I know about these films at school?”

  Her voice quivered and she clasped and unclasped her hands several times as she answered. “She asked me, not you, for one thing. And as for the films, I had to sign a permission slip awhile back. I didn’t think it was important for you to see it. I was afraid it might embarrass her.”

  “A permission slip?”

  “Yes. They need it before they can show the films or discuss the topic with the children.”

  So it was starting. Damn. I took a deep breath before speaking. “Okay. Let’s get some things straight. Anything that comes from school, I want to see it. Understand?” I knew my voice and stance was frightening her, but I had no choice. This involved my daughter’s future happiness.

  Amy nodded.

  “Also, I don’t want you to mention sex to her in any way. I will talk to her and answer any questions she has. Do I make myself clear?” I leaned slightly toward her with these last words.

  She leaned back from me and nodded again before saying, “Yes. You are quite clear.” Her eyes darted to the door. It brought memories of the night I savaged her and with it came the shame I carried with me each and every day. She made her way across the room and clutched the doorknob. Her voice was a whisper. “I understand, Dan. Now, please leave.” She opened the door. “I believe this is your night out for your own sex education, isn’t it?”

  Her remark surprised me. It was not like her. “Amy?” Could it be jealousy? Was she capable of it? Did she care? There was concern in my voice.

  She responded with a wave of her hand telling me to go. I left her room wondering. I turned and was about to knock again when Susie opened her bedroom door and bounded out into the hall.

  Mrs. Watkins stood in the doorjamb.

  “Hello there, little pardner. My, my, don’t we look pretty tonight?”

  “Daddy, you say that every night.” Her bright eyes glistened.

  “Then it must be true.”

  She laughed. “Will you come tuck me in after I kiss mother goodnight?”

  “Sure, I’ll wait right here. Take your time.”

  While I waited, I filled Mrs. Watkins in my conversation with Amy. I thanked her for the warning and asked her to continue her vigilance.

  “She’s a darling, that’s for sure, Dan. We’ll watch her. She’
s going to be fine.” She smiled as she started down the stairs to her own quarters. “Tell Susie, I’ll see her in the morning.”

  Amy’s door opened. “I love you mother. Get a good night’s sleep.” Susie’s demeanor was a lot less lively than before entered her mother’s room, but she brightened up when she saw me at her door.

  Within minutes, I was sitting on the edge of her bed, having tucked the blankets under her chin and kissed her forehead. “Susie, I need to ride fences next Saturday.” It was a job that required riding the perimeter of our property looking for breaches in our fencing. My Dad, brothers and I took turns. Actually, we looked forward to the ride and the solitude of the open spaces. “Will you go with me for the day?”

  Her eyes widened. “Can I?”

  “I’d like it if you did.”

  “Like a real cowgirl job?”

  “Yep, a real cowgirl job. Can I count on you?”

  She threw her arms around my neck and screamed, “Yes, yes, yes!”

  After retucking her in, I went to my room I a very happy father. My daughter’s love warmed my heart and soul. I didn’t need a trip to Houston that night.

  *****

  We left as dawn was breaking on the following Saturday; way before anyone else in the house had stirred. We rode and chatted all morning while identifying or fixing potential breaks in the fencing. Around noon we found a big shade tree along the river and sat down to eat our pack lunch. She was a chatterbox and kept the conversation lively. The topics were her studies, her teachers, her clothes and homework. I let her ramble on as I tried to think of a way to casually broach the subject of sex so as not to embarrass her. Finally, she got around to talking about boys.