by Amanda Kay
“Shut up, Corbin,” I muttered, trying to rein in the anger coursing through me now.
“Bry?”
“Corbin, stop. Just stop!” I yelled, feeling all my earlier hostility resurface.
He sighed but kept his mouth shut. I checked the time; it was eleven fifteen. Bennett had convinced Mom to let me stay out until he came home. He would be back after he dropped Kimber off at midnight. Corbin and I had about an hour. I needed to clear my head so we could talk.
CORBIN
I didn’t speak anymore. The anger rolling off Bryson was stronger than the waves rolling onto the beach. Rarely did Bryson tell me to shut up in a serious manner.
“What did I do wrong?” he finally whispered, drawing my attention.
“You did nothing wrong,” I said, feeling panicked. How could he think he had done anything wrong?
“I must’ve, Corbin.”
I moved so that I was on my knees in front of him. “Why do you think that?”
“You said the race night wasn’t the first time you’d taken the pills. You said you were becoming addicted.”
“How is that your fault?”
He shrugged. “I wasn’t a good enough listener. I wasn’t there for you enough. I wasn’t a good enough friend. There has to be a reason.”
I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed. “No, Bry. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. The only friend I’ve ever had.”
“If I mattered enough, you would’ve been honest with me. You would’ve let me help you.”
“I didn’t want to risk you being disgusted with me.”
Bryson sighed. “I wouldn’t have been, and just the fact that you thought I would be, proves my point.”
“I’ll admit, I was scared. You were, and are, my best friend, but the feelings I had for you weren’t just those of friendship. I was hiding from them, too afraid of the rejection, I suppose. You were this baseball stud. A jock. Confident. And sexy as hell. You were out of any league I belonged to, yet you were always in my corner.”
“Forever in your corner.”
“Don’t hate me, Bryson, but I did what I did so I could be on the same level as you, and it terrified me, so I took some medicine to calm me down so I could focus.”
“Medicine that wasn’t yours to take, Corbin. Medicine that likely impaired you, and then, you got behind the wheel of a car and raced.”
I understood what he was saying, and he was right, but I hadn’t allowed myself to ever think like that. “I know you’re right, but you have to understand, when we became friends, I had just come from a school where I was lower than low. Your kindness was unlike anything I’d ever known. I didn’t want to lose it. So, I acted cool in public and, bit by bit, I gained this reputation. One I hadn’t ever had. I knew people laughed when I wasn’t around, but just the fact that I was liked when I was around made me feel on top of the world.”
“Yeah, fantastic, your crazy antics put you on top of the world, and in the grave, two days after your sixteenth birthday.” The disappointment I could hear was a huge blow to my heart.
“Don’t give up on me,” I begged.
He sighed and, again, pulled me into his arms. “Never, Corbin. Never,” he stressed.
“I only have until midnight the night of districts. Promise me we can finish talking.” He swallowed hard when I stopped speaking.
“I’d give you eternity if I could, Corbin.”
“That means everything to me, Bryson. I never wanted to hurt you.” A car horn honked, drawing Bryson’s gaze over his shoulder.
“That’s Bennett.” He looked back my way. “I love you.” He gave me a quick peck to my lips. “School, tomorrow?” I smiled and nodded. “Good, I have something for you.” He winked and then trotted off the beach.
He had something for me. My heart soared and then crumbled. Bryson had always been there for me, and he was the only one I could be myself with, but I was pissed at myself for not sharing it all. Bryson would’ve accepted me because that was who Bryson was. He had always accepted me.
Chapter 7
BRYSON
My heart raced as I neared the school. I had another practice, so I needed to again rely on my car to get me to school. I wasn’t the one behind the wheel at the time of the accident, so my irrational fear of driving was just that.
“Just like Corbin’s irrational fear of my rejection.” His birthday gift sat next to me, and as I thought about it, I wished I had brought it with me to the race. “Maybe I could’ve changed things.” I shook my head. I couldn’t think like that. If I did, it would only make me upset with him again, and I didn’t want to be upset with him. I wanted to share our last few days together in a way that we both wanted. We couldn’t go backwards, I knew that, so we had to take what we could.
I pulled into my spot and wasn’t surprised to find him sitting on the bleachers, staring out at the baseball field. “Morning, Corbin,” I shouted, still climbing out of my car.
He turned briefly and waved and then faced the field again. My heart started hammering in my chest. What was wrong? I grabbed my stuff, including his gift and headed in the direction of the bleachers.
“Are you okay?” I asked as I approached.
He wiped his eyes. “Fine, Bry.”
I shook my head. “No, you aren’t going to do this to me. You aren’t fine. What’s wrong?” He frowned and shook his head. “Don’t hide from me, Corbin. I can handle it. Whatever you need to tell me, I’m here.”
“Sit with me, Bryson.” I climbed the bleachers to the top and sat next to him. He took my hand. “Why do you like me?”
I shot a look his way. “What?”
“Why did you want to be my friend? What was it about me that drew you to me?”
“It wasn’t just one thing. It was a lot of little things. You looked nervous, and I knew you were new. I was taught to be helpful, so I lent a hand, and then, something just clicked.” He sighed. “I can’t really explain it, Corbin. It just felt right.”
“No one liked me, but everything had been fine until third grade.”
“What changed?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know if I can answer that. I can only give you some background on what happened the summer before.”
His hand went to my knee, and I felt a light squeeze of reassurance. “I’m here. Tell me everything. Nothing left between us, Corbin.”
I nodded. “Mom struggled with drinking, and Dad finally convinced her to go to rehab.”
“That sounds like a good thing, if she had a problem.” That wasn’t something Corbin had ever shared with me.
“It was, but word got around. I was already an outcast; this gave the kids some fuel to pour on me.”
“I’m so sorry, Corbin. If I had been there, I would’ve protected you.”
He gave me a small smile. “I believe that, Bry.”
I wordlessly handed him his gift. He looked down at it and tore it open like he always did. Like I was the only one who bought him a gift each year. “Oh, God.”
He stopped opening the present and looked my way. “What?”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Bry?”
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Open the gift, Corbin, the bell rings soon.”
He frowned, but then turned his attention back to the gift. I let out a quiet sigh of relief. I would talk with him about the gift thing later, but right now, I wanted to put a smile on his face.
CORBIN
I knew what he was thinking, even though he hadn’t voiced it. He had guessed correctly that he had been the only one to give me birthday gifts. My family always went to dinner, the dinner was my gift. I always accepted that as my reality, and then, the first year Bryson and I were friends, he bought me a candy bar on my birthday. It took me all day to eat, because I wanted to savor the fact that someone cared enough to really think of me on my birthday.
“I kept that candy bar wrapper,” I said as I held up my gift. It was a leather heart charm.
Well, it was only half a heart. With the word friends etched into it. “For my leather cuff?” I whispered.
“Yeah, I have the other one.” He held up his wrist, and hanging off the leather cuff, he had an identical charm with the word best on it.
“I wish they hadn’t cut it off me,” I said quietly, looking down at my naked wrist.
“It’s okay, Corbin.”
“You’re the only one who has given me a gift on my birthday.”
He squeezed my wrist. “I wish I had given this one to you sooner.”
“It’s not your fault.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You’ve always─” I was cut off by the bell and while it technically didn’t matter for me anymore, Bryson needed to be in class. If he were out at all this week, he wouldn’t be allowed to play in the game Friday night. “Go, we can talk more later.”
“I have one more gift for you.” I looked at him curiously as he started down the bleachers. “Well, come on,” he tossed, and I hurried down after him. He grasped my hand, interlocking our fingers.
I looked down at our joined hands as he led me toward the school. “Bry,” I sighed.
“Can you make yourself visible to everyone?” I shot him a look. “They don’t have to remember what happened.”
I started to shake my head when Leroy’s voice came to me. “We can make those arrangements. Just until the end of the week, then everything returns to normal.”
I swallowed. “What’s your plan?” He gripped my hand tighter.
“No more hiding. We don’t have to hide. If they don’t understand, then screw them.” The tears hit my cheeks as we entered the school. Everyone stopped and stared at our joined hands. My heart raced. I had always known I was gay, but I knew Bryson didn’t really see himself that way. So, I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to kill off the only friendship I had ever had.
We stopped, and I looked up, we were standing in front of his home room. I searched his eyes for answers. I felt every eye on us. “You don’t have to do this,” I whispered; I didn’t need this. I wanted this, but I didn’t want Bryson to risk his reputation for me.
He cupped my face gently in his hands. “I do have to do this, because you deserve to know the depth of my heart.” He kissed me.
In full view of everyone, his lips were pressed against mine. This was what I planned for after the race. I wanted this. The second bell rang, and he pulled away, winking at me before he disappeared into the classroom, leaving me in the hallway stunned.
BRYSON
The classroom was buzzing with talk, but I just smiled. I didn’t care what they thought. I did something I had wanted to do for a long time. I started to daydream, allowing myself to fall deep into the memories I had of us together, and as one memory after another ticked by in my head, it became painfully obvious to me that I was gay. No girl had ever captured me the way Corbin did, and as I thought about things, I realized I did look at guys differently. I had just never noticed because my heart was hung up on Corbin.
“Mr. Lee, can you please send Bryson Trevino to Coach Lewis, please.” I looked up, hearing my name, knowing that I was going to have to explain things, and in our town, that wasn’t going to be easy. We weren’t some backwards small town, but there were expected standards, and I blew the lid off them this morning.
“He’s on his way.” I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door as the whispers overtook the room.
“Trevino, I need you to level with me,” Coach began as I sat across from him.
“Coach, if this is about Corbin, let me explain.”
“Did you kiss him?”
“Yes, and I’m not sorry about it either.”
He sighed. “Look, Bryson, I don’t have any issue with it, but...”
“But what?” I stammered, interrupting him.
“Some of the guys are worried.”
“Worried? About what, exactly?”
“Well, you see...” he paused and ran his hand through his hair.
“Spit it out, Coach.”
“You all share the same locker room.”
All the breath left my body. “What happens between Corbin and I has nothing to do with what goes on in the locker room, just as what goes on in the locker room has no bearing on my personal life.”
“Yes, but what happens if you and Corbin don’t work out.”
Anger flooded me. “That won’t happen. They have nothing to worry about.”
“You need to find a way to make that reassurance before the game on Friday.”
My eyes snapped to his. “Or what?”
“Or you won’t be playing.”
“What?” I shook my head. “I’ve done nothing wrong.”
“I’m sorry, Bryson, I have to protect everyone.”
“Protect everyone?” I stood, slamming my hands on his desk. “And who is protecting me?”
The tears stung my eyes, but I fought them away. I would not cry, not for them. “I’m sorry, Bryson.”
“No, you aren’t.” I snatched up my backpack and left, unsure of where I really wanted to go, but I didn’t want to go back to class; however, I couldn’t skip. That would only make it easier for me to be benched.
CORBIN
Practice had been over for an hour, but Bryson was still out on the field. He had convinced Bennett to come out and pitch for him. “Bro, can we stop now?”
“Do you have a date with Kimber?” Bryson tossed back, launching another line drive to the opposite field.
“No, but I have a test tomorrow.”
“One more pitch and then I’ll run laps.” Bennett shook his head.
“No more pitches, bro. You’ll be fine Friday night.”
Bryson sat down on home plate. “If I get to play.”
Bennett walked toward him, and I stood in the shadows, just listening. “Why wouldn’t you?”
“Because of what happened today,” Bryson admitted.
“You and Corbin?” Bryson just nodded, and the knife twisted into my heart.
“The guys are worried.”
I swallowed. “I should leave him alone,” I whispered.
“No, then it all falls apart. Bryson is strong.”
“Yes, but this isn’t fair,” I protested.
“Life isn’t fair, but this is Bryson’s decision, and you need to support him. He’s only just realized that he’s gay. He’s going to need you, or Caiden doesn’t stand a chance.”
“But districts? If he doesn’t get to play...”
“Baseball is a team sport. They have to decide if Bryson’s skills outweigh their fears.”
“It’s a dumb fear,” I grumbled.
“Agreed, but it’s the same fear that kept you and Bryson apart.”
I sighed. “I know.” I walked toward the field. Bryson has always had my back, and now, it was time I proved I had his.
“Hey, Mercer.” Bennett smiled, but Bryson didn’t look my way.
“I’ll pitch to him.”
Bennett hopped up and patted my shoulder. “One hour, Corbin.”
“Okay.” I refocused on Bryson. “Let’s go. I want to see a Trevino Home Run.” He looked up and smiled but shook his head.
“Jog with me?”
“Me, jog?” I chuckled, hoping to lighten the mood further.
“Corbin, not now.” I sighed, he was serious.
“Okay, come on, lead the way.” He started out in front of me, I had to sprint to catch up.
“I don’t get it,” he finally whispered as we rounded center field toward right field.
“Is your place on the team really on the line because of us?”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to believe it is. I talked to a few of the guys today, but not all of them.”
“Bryson, we don’t have to do this.” His eyes snapped my way. “It’s not what I want, but I also don’t want you to jeopardize your baseball career. You’re good, man, really good.”
“If only that was enough,” he whispered, and I heard a faint a
mount of shame. Bryson never judged anyone but himself, and I hated that I had put him in this position.
“I’m sorry, Bry.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be. If you hadn’t died, we would be dealing with this, anyway, right?”
I shrugged. “I wanted to.”
“You said you were going to kiss me after the race.”
“I was planning to, but I also know I probably would’ve chickened out.”
He lightly punched my shoulder. “No, you wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have allowed it.”
I smiled, and quietly, we began the next lap. “How many are we doing?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just know I need this.”
“Okay,” I replied.
“Not the run, Corbin. I need this.” He stopped and turned me toward him, holding his hands around my waist. “I need us.” I stopped breathing at his words.
“I need us too,” I exhaled. “I’ve always needed us.” There, under the centerfield score board, we kissed for the second time today, and I didn’t doubt his words. I didn’t doubt his feelings toward me. This was what our life should’ve been.
I rested my forehead against his shoulder. “I’m sorry I threw this away, Bry.”
His hands rubbed down my back. “It’s okay, Corbin.”
I stared up at him and his eyes shimmered with tears. “Promise me something.”
“The world if I could.”
“Be Caiden’s light.”
“I don’t know if I can. I’m still wrapping my head around us. Around your death. Around it all.”
“Just promise me, Bry.”
“I promise, Corbin,” he said, a frown lacing his face.
“It’ll make sense soon.”
“Why do I feel like this is goodbye?”
I shook my head. “I want to watch you shine on Friday.” He sighed and looked down. I cupped his chin and brought his gaze back to mine. “You will play, and you’ll be amazing.”
He smiled and kissed me quickly. “I need to go.” I nodded and hugged him to me briefly.
As he jogged out of sight, tears stung my eyes. “You did good, Corbin,” the voice echoed into the night.
“I hope so,” I said quietly as the darkness pulled me in.
Chapter 8