by Amanda Kay
“Don’t worry about it, Bry. Go get him.” I nodded, unable to speak because of the lump in my throat. Corbin wanted me to do this even if it was hard for him to admit it.
When I reached the front door, my mom stopped me. “Where are you going? It’s almost eleven.”
“Caiden is outside. I think he’s locked out.”
She eyed me curiously. “He forgot his key?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s it, Mom.”
She looked up to the ceiling briefly, then back to me. “Okay, go get him.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I opened the door, but then stopped. I turned and threw my arms around her. “I love you.”
She squeezed me tighter. “I love you too, and Bryson, know this, if it’s meant to be, it will be.”
I pulled back from her, and she wiped a tear off my face. I loved her so much. She was my rock. She was Bennett’s rock. We would be nowhere without her.
CAIDEN
I didn’t hear him approach, so when I heard his voice, I jumped. “What’cha doing out here, man?”
I struggled to catch my breath. I placed my hand on my heart. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry,” his voice gentle and soothing.
“It’s okay; I just didn’t hear you walk up. I’m locked out.”
“Forget your key?” he asked, but his tone told me he already knew I hadn’t.
“Wish it was that simple,” I muttered.
He reached his hand down to me. “Come on.”
I stared up at him, looking between his face and his outstretched hand. “Caiden, come on. I don’t bite.”
I laughed, “Okay.” I grabbed his hand, and he pulled me up off the ground. I was expecting him to release my hand before we started walking toward his house, but his grip tightened. “Bryson?”
He shook his head, “Not now, Caiden.” I wasn’t sure what to make of his dismissal, but I was afraid to press. “Stop,” he demanded gently, which wasn’t something I was used to.
“Stop ... what?” I sputtered.
“Over analyzing things. We’ll talk inside if you want to.”
I smiled and allowed him to lead me into his house. Even if I couldn’t tell him what my life was like, at least I’d have a roof over my head tonight.
BRYSON
Entering my room, I watched him carefully. I was certain that my suspicions were correct, but Caiden had to be ready to share. “Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions.” I closed my eyes and shook my head at Corbin’s voice.
When I opened them, Caiden was staring at me? “Everything okay?”
“Why were you outside?”
He smirked, and I guessed it was his way of hiding his pain. “You want the short answer or the long answer?”
I put my hands on his shoulders. “I want whatever you’re comfortable sharing.” He looked down. “Don’t hide from me, Caiden. We can be friends. You can trust me.”
He looked back up at me. “Right, friends, of course.”
“I can’t offer more than that right now.” If I were honest, I wasn’t sure if I could even offer a true friendship, but I wanted to try.
“Because you love him.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. A fact.
“Yes, but also because I’m only just discovering who I truly am.” That was the honest answer. I was gay, and while I was certain I had always been gay, it honestly felt like I had only been gay for a week.
He cocked his head as if he didn’t understand. “You’re not gay?”
I smiled, but he frowned. “I am, but I only just realized it.”
“After Corbin’s death?”
I nodded, unable to find my voice right away. “Yeah,” I squeaked out.
“Are you truly gay or is it just Corbin you want?” This was where my confusion was. I knew the answer, but I also knew it was complicated.
“That’s what I can’t answer. That’s what I’m finding out. I’ve told the baseball team I was, and I told my brother. My mom knows because she seems to know everything, but me...,” I shrugged, “I’m still processing it all, and losing Corbin was a huge blow.”
He sighed, but then his eyes pierced mine. “I could use a friend.” He rolled up his sleeves and revealed his arms. They were covered in bruises, old and new. What had happened to him?
My throat tightened and I couldn’t help myself. I wrapped Caiden up in my arms. “I’ll be here, Caiden,” I promised on a whisper. This wasn’t a promise to Corbin, or even to me. This was a genuine promise to him.
His arms wrapped around me, and we just stood there holding each other in the middle of my room.
Chapter 12
CAIDEN
After showing Bryson my bruises, nothing more was said. He pulled out a mattress and blankets. “You’ve done this before?” I asked, fascinated by the quickness he got a bed ready for me.
“Maybe once or twice,” he said with a wink.
“Did he stay over a lot?”
He eyed me cautiously. “You mean Corbin?” I only nodded. “He stayed more when we were in middle school.”
“Did things change between the two of you when you reached high school?”
Bryson sat on the end of the bed, staring at the wall above his chest of drawers. “I’d like to say no, but it did. We changed. I changed. He changed. Our friendship was still strong, but deep down, I knew that something had changed.”
I pulled my sleeves down. I didn’t want the bruises on display anymore. “What did you do?”
He shook his head. “Nothing, and I think that was the problem.”
“What does that mean?” I was genuinely curious about it. About him.
“I’m not sure I have an exact answer for you. What I can tell you is, the look in his eyes started changing, but I ignored it. When I looked at him, my heart sped up, but I ignored it. We were both afraid. I was afraid of my feelings, and I know, now, he feared my rejection.”
“You wouldn’t have rejected him.” From the short time I had known him, I knew that wouldn’t have been something Bryson would’ve done.
“No, I wouldn’t have, but Corbin always hid behind a mask. He thought I was cooler, and he was afraid of how people saw him, but I knew the real Corbin.” I shrugged, “I only wish he had shared his struggles with me. I wish I would’ve asked more questions.”
I swallowed. “Are you planning on asking me questions?” Every hair on my body stood up. I wasn’t sure if I could handle that. I wasn’t sure how much I could trust him with.
He shook his head, and pain seared my heart. He didn’t care enough to ask. His eyes found mine and held my gaze a moment. “I want to know what you want to share. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen between us. I can’t make promises, but I know I want to get to know you.”
I moved to my makeshift bed and stared up at him, yawning in the process. “I’m tired.”
He nodded and switched out the light. “Goodnight, Caiden.”
“Goodnight, Bryson,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I felt hollow inside, but somehow, in Bryson’s company, I felt normal. I wondered if that was how Corbin felt.
“It is, Caiden.” I squeezed my eyes, that wasn’t my grandfather’s voice. “Bryson is the greatest.”
I responded softly, “Corbin?”
“Let him love you, Caiden.”
“He wants you.” That hurt to say, but inside, I knew it was the truth.
“Just trust him, it’ll work out.”
“No one loves me.”
“That’s not true, and Bryson will.”
I bit my lip, trying to find my reply. There was a burning question floating in my mind and I had to know, “Do you regret not telling him what was going on with you?”
“Yes, goodnight, Caiden.” His answer sharp, and just like that, I could feel he was gone.
I sat up on the mattress and looked toward Bryson’s bed; he was fast asleep, but I wasn’t going to fall back to sleep any time soon. I stood and walked out of the roo
m. I didn’t want to disturb anyone, but I needed some water. I wasn’t sure where anything was, but I was determined to quietly find what I needed.
BRYSON
I woke to find Caiden gone. That sent my heart into a tailspin. My mind raced. My heart was hammering in my chest. “Water” ran through me.
I looked up at my ceiling, my emotions coming in check. “Thanks, Corbin.” I raced downstairs to find him staring out at the trampoline, a glass of water in his hand.
He turned toward me and frowned, which I absolutely did not like. “Did I wake you?”
I shook my head. “I think I felt that you were gone.”
“Needed a drink,” he responded, holding up the glass.
“No worries. Are you okay?”
He looked back out toward my backyard. “I haven’t been okay in a few years.” His admission surprised me.
I remained silent as I walked toward him. “Can I help?” I asked when I reached him, keeping my eyes straight ahead, just like he was doing.
I felt his gaze shift toward me, but I kept my eyes on my back yard. “Why do you want to help?”
“Because I like you,” I whispered, shifting my focus toward him. His eyes widened as though he didn’t believe me. I gripped his hand and interlocked my fingers with his. I said no more; instead, I returned my focus to the darkness outside. Praying silently that Caiden would be able to trust me enough, one day, to let me heal the darkness inside his heart.
“I told you,” Corbin’s voice echoed. I nodded slightly to acknowledge his voice. “I love you, Bry, I wouldn’t steer you wrong. He is your future.”
“I feel that,” I whispered. Caiden’s hand tightened on mine, alerting me that he had likely heard my words.
“I feel it too,” Caiden whispered softly. My heart raced. He was getting to me. I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship with him, but I wanted to build one. I wanted what I had with Corbin, and more. Damn, Corbin.
I chuckled. “I hate when he’s right.”
“When who’s right?”
I looked his way again so I could gauge his reaction to my words. “Corbin. He says you’re my future.”
“Is it a bad thing that he’s right?” The alarm etched across his tormented face.
I placed my free hand on his cheek. “No, it’s not,” I whispered, leaning in to brush my lips against his ever so lightly. I felt him swallow hard, so I pulled back. “I made a promise, but I need you to make one too.”
I wasn’t sure what he wanted. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I was attracted to him, but I didn’t think I was ready; however, at that same time, I could see the hurt and I wanted to take that away for him.
Chapter 13
CAIDEN
His lips, no matter how light he had pressed them against mine, felt right. Which was why I pulled away. He wasn’t ready; I knew this. “What kind of promise?” I was terrified about this answer.
“My promise, or the one I need from you?”
“Can we start with yours?” I asked sheepishly.
He nodded. “You were there; I felt you watching.”
“That’s why you struck out?” I questioned, but I didn’t have to. I already knew the answer.
“Possibly, but I don’t want to dwell on that. After the game, when Corbin came to say goodbye, he made me promise to be your light. Just like I had been for him. He told me you were my future, but at that time, I couldn’t see past him. I’ll admit, Caiden, I told him there would never be anyone else.”
I looked down. I knew that was coming, but it still hurt to hear it from his mouth. He had said he just wanted to be friends, and I could do that because I needed a friend badly.
“Hey, now,” he said softly, drawing my eyes back to his face. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Feel embarrassed for your feelings.” All my emotions from the night came rushing out of me.
“I’m not! I know who I am! Who I’ve always been!”
“Caiden?” Bryson said calmly, but I wasn’t calm. I couldn’t be.
“This was a mistake,” I snapped. I rushed toward the front door. Sleeping on the porch seemed like a great idea now. I don’t know why I felt such hostility, but I was confident, no matter what Corbin or Grandpa said, this wouldn’t work.
“Caiden, wait!”
The desperation in his voice gave me pause. My hand was on the doorknob, but I couldn’t turn it. My forehead fell against the door, and instantly, I felt his hands on my shoulders. I wanted this to work, I didn’t know the path, but I wanted this to work.
“Bryson, I’m not embarrassed. I’m scared,” I admitted.
“I know you are. I am too.”
“Why are you scared?”
“Because I’ve never had feelings for anyone...” He swallowed hard.
“Except Corbin,” I finished.
He turned me to face him, his eyes piercing me. “Except Corbin.” I looked down again. “That, right there. Don’t try and mask your feelings. Don’t be afraid to show me the hurt my words cause you. Don’t be afraid of your feelings.”
He looked back up at me. “What promise do you need from me?” I was hesitant to ask this now, but I felt I needed to know.
“Your trust.”
“My trust?” Trust was earned, but I wanted to give him my trust. He hadn’t done anything wrong if I was being fair. He was only being honest with me.
“Yes, I’m not going to get it right all the time, Caiden. I’m going to hurt you, sometimes, but it will never be intentional, and I need you to trust me on that. I’m not expecting you to open up to me, but I want you to learn to trust me; to know I’d never judge you.”
I cupped his face in my hands, terrified of the next move I was going to make. I leaned forward and kissed him. He didn’t pull away. Instead, he held my shoulders and kissed me back. It was the best kiss of my life, of this I was sure, even if it had been the only kiss I’d ever had.
I pulled away finally. “That was perfect.”
His eyes were gentle, but they also held another emotion. “It was, but Caiden, I need to go slow.”
“Friends, right?” He frowned, and that sent my heart rate through the roof.
“No, not friends.” My heart hammered in my chest. “We can be more than that, if we go slow.” He was giving in, and I wasn’t sure what to make if it, but I liked it a lot.
I felt my eyes widen. “What does that mean? Can I say I’m your boyfriend?” I had never been able to call someone that, and I didn’t know why, but I wanted Bryson to be the first. Hell, I wanted him to be the only.
He frowned, and I was starting to hate that look in his eyes. He took my hands in his. “I think labels would damage us right now.”
“Why?”
“Because we barely know each other, Caiden. We need time. I need time. I swear, I’m here for you, but I’m not ready to be defined yet.”
I nodded, my eyes filling up with tears. I swiped at them angrily. “I know you’re right, but it hurts.” He didn’t speak; instead, he led us back upstairs to his room.
We sat at the end of his bed. “Why does it hurt so much?”
I stared at him, not sure what I could tell him. I wasn’t ready to share all the terrors of my life, and that was part of the problem with us trying a relationship. “I’ve never meant anything to anyone.”
“Surely, that can’t be true.” I shrugged. I had meant something to my grandfather before he passed on. I meant something to my mom; deep down, I knew she loved me, and I loved her.
“I never had a relationship like what you had with Corbin,” I finally said. It was the only way I could explain it. Explain to him what I needed.
“I swear to you, Caiden, you can trust me. I can’t tell you I know where we will end up, but I swear to you, I’m here.”
“Can I hug you?”
He smiled and pulled me into his arms. I relaxed in his arms and wrapped mine around him. He tightened his grip on me, and I felt safe.
> “You’re safe with me,” he whispered in my ear and it jolted something inside.
“I feel safe,” I replied, tightening my hold on him.
“You’ll always be safe with me. Let’s get some sleep.”
He pulled away, and instantly, I missed his arms. I moved off the bed to my makeshift bed and closed my eyes. I was exhausted and I needed this. I needed this peace. He was watching me right before I closed my eyes, and his watchful gaze helped me to sleep. I was safe. Bryson would keep me safe.
BRYSON
Once I was sure he was asleep, I sent Bennett a text.
BRYSON: I found him outside. He’s been hurt, Ben. I don’t know what to do.
BENNETT: You’re already doing it, bro. Just be you.
BRYSON: He wants a relationship.
BENNETT: You do too.
BRYSON: Yes and no. I’m not ready.
BENNETT: I think he gets that.
BRYSON: I agree, but he’s fragile.
BENNETT: Then he’s got nobody better in his corner than you. Bryson, you are beyond amazing.
BRYSON: Wish that were true, Ben.
BENNETT: Trust me, Bry, it is.
BRYSON: Goodnight, Ben.
BENNETT: Goodnight, bro, and have some faith.
I put my phone down and looked to the floor, watching Caiden sleep. He looked so peaceful, so untroubled. “Looks are deceiving.”
“I hear you, Corbin.”
“Be yourself; don’t doubt how special you are. You saved me, Bryson Trevino.”
I rolled to my back and looked up at my ceiling. “Except, I didn’t.”
“Don’t. Don’t let the guilt eat you alive. You didn’t cause the accident.”
“But I should’ve stopped you.”
“Nothing would’ve stopped me that night. I wasn’t seeing reason. It wasn’t your fault. It was my own hang up.”
“But if you had only known how I felt.”
“I knew, Bryson. I think I’ve always known, but I was too afraid to act on it.”
“Why?”
“Because you were too important to me, and I didn’t want you to ever jeopardize the important things in your life.”