by Amanda Kay
He nodded. “What if people start talking about us?”
I shrugged. “Let them talk. Fear of that already cost me one relationship. I’m not about to let it cost me another.”
“Really?”
I kissed his cheek. His vulnerability was cute, and it helped me to understand that if it came down to Caiden or baseball, I would choose Caiden in a second.
“Really. Let’s go get your schedule.” This time, when I took a step, he took one too. Soon, we fell in step with each other.
Just as Caiden had feared, I heard the whispers, but they were just that. I hadn’t changed who I was. All I had done was announce that I was gay. If they had an issue, then it was their issue, and they weren’t really my friends, and deep down, I knew I would be okay with that, if Caiden wanted to be by my side
CAIDEN
After homeroom and second period, I was forced to go my own way. Bryson assured me that we would have lunch together, but I had to get through both third and fourth period first. I was sitting in the back and the teacher wasn’t paying me much mind. The class had a test today, which I had been excused from.
I took out a piece of paper and tried something I was sure wouldn’t work, but I had to try. I was desperate to understand Bryson and Corbin’s relationship from all sides. I had to know where I would stand.
Hi, Corbin. I waited for his voice, but nothing came, and I sighed. I knew it wouldn’t work, but then, my pencil moved.
Hi, Caiden. I stared down at the page and all around me. Relax, man.
I thought about what to write next and I thought about what answers I needed from him.
Bryson had a meeting today.
I know.
How?
It’s my job to look out for him. Lord knows, I owe him that much.
I read what he had written, not sure what to write next.
Why?
Bryson saved my life, simple as that.
Wow, I wasn’t expecting that declaration. I didn’t need Corbin to tell me how great Bryson was, I had seen that from that first meeting on Saturday, and every other time we’d been together since, but Corbin was dead. But you’re dead. Writing the obvious seemed cruel, but I wanted Corbin to go further.
That was on me; Bryson would disagree, but it was on me.
He loves you.
I wasn’t sure why I needed to have this part of the conversation, but he needed it as well.
I don’t doubt that, but I also know Bryson. He’ll need time, but in the end, I know he’ll make the right choice for himself.
I swallowed hard, What choice?
You.
I didn’t know how to take his one-word answer. I wanted Bryson to love me, but I also knew I wasn’t worthy of him. I wasn’t worth the risk. But baseball?
Don’t do that. Don’t make my mistakes.
“Corbin?” I whispered but I felt him leave.
I stared up at the clock; ten more minutes in this class and then, another forty-five before I saw him again. I looked back down at the note and then folded it, placing it in my pocket.
BRYSON
My phone pinged as I gathered stuff from my locker.
CAIDEN: I don’t know if I can take another forty-five minutes.
BRYSON: What class do you have?
CAIDEN: History with Ms. Spears
BRYSON: My class is next door, wait for me.
I slammed my locker shut and raced toward class. He was standing against the wall, across from the classroom entrance, looking so sad. “You look lonely,” I said, shouldering up next to him.
His shoulders slumped and he remained quiet. “I can’t do this,” he whispered.
“Can’t do what?” Every hair stood on end.
“Here.” He handed me a note and left me in the hall just as the bell rang. I walked into class, unsure of what that had been, but I wanted to know.
As attendance was taken, I opened the folded paper and the words that jumped off the page wounded me. “Put the paper down by the pen,” Corbin’s voice ordered.
I did as he instructed, and my pen moved. He’s scared. More than I ever was.
This is too much, Corbin.
Don’t say that.
Corbin, I just said goodbye to you
Bryson, please.
I went to write back to him, but I didn’t know what to say. Mr. Brett fixed it for me, though. “Pop Quiz!” The class groaned, and I tucked the note away.
CAIDEN
I knew as I sat there in history, I hadn’t been fair to him. “You aren’t being fair to either one of you, Caiden.” As grandpa scolded me, my heart sank. I needed air.
I raised my hand and waited for the teacher to call on me. “Yes?”
“May use the bathroom?” I swallowed.
“Yes,” She answered simply, returning to her lecture. I grabbed the pass and, quickly and quietly, left the room. Once in the hall, I slowly wandered toward the restroom.
“Give it time, Caiden.”
“I don’t know if I have time.”
“Yes, you do. Give yourself time. Give Bryson time.”
“He loves Corbin, though.”
“My boy, I know you aren’t that blind. You can see his feelings for you. Give it time.”
I swallowed and splashed my face with water. I returned to class, unsure of everything. I heard his words. I wanted to believe we had time, but I also knew Mark. He’d move us in a heartbeat if he thought we were close to breaking free.
BRYSON
I saw him sitting at a table alone and it reminded me so much of that first time I saw Corbin. “This reminds me of you,” I whispered, looking up.
“So, go take charge like you did with me.”
I nodded and held my breath as I walked over and sat next to him. “You’re new?” He looked up at me, a puzzled look on his face. “You’re supposed to bite my head off and tell me, so what if I am.” He looked at me again and then I saw it register for him. I told him this story that first night and it felt good to have him remember that.
He smiled and started to laugh. “Thank you,” he said, his eyes coming to me and his laughing coming to a stop.
I put my hand on his and fished the note out of my pocket. “I talked with him too. I need to be honest with you, so here.” I wanted to share my feelings with him, because I wanted him to understand, but also because I was desperate to understand my instant attraction to him, given everything I had just been through.
He nodded and unfolded the note with one hand, mostly because I wouldn’t release his other. I watch him read over my part of the note to Corbin and when he finished, he kept his eyes locked on the piece of paper but he spoke, “I don’t know how to proceed. I’m terrified.”
“Of what?” I wanted to know. If I had any chance of having some sort of relationship, whatever that looked like, I needed to know.
He looked up at me, “That I’ll never be enough. That I’ll feel like your second choice always. That I won’t be worthy of you. That you’ll give up something you love for me and then regret me.” He spit the words out so fast I almost had a hard time catching it all.
“Wow, Caiden, that’s a lot to process,” I whispered, and processing it all, I was.
“I’m sorry, Bryson. I know you didn’t want to complicate things, but I’m complicated.” He looked down, and I watched a tear hit the table. I squeezed his hand, hoping he’d look up at me.
When his eyes met mine, I spoke, “I said I needed to take things slow, Caiden.” I took a breath. “I’m here if you want me to be.”
“But are you here because you want to be?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer him with words, so I leaned across the table and gave him a quick kiss. He stared at me as I pulled back. “Is that my answer?” I smiled and nodded. In that moment, I knew I would be able to do this with him, even if I still didn’t know what this was.
Chapter 16
CAIDEN
“You’re home,” he slurred.
I sw
allowed hard. “I’m home.”
“How was school?”
“Fine,” I answered, concerned with the casual line of questioning.
“Anything special happen?”
“Nope,” I answered quickly, making a turn for the stairs, but he instantly blocked my path.
“Sure about that, boy?” His breath smelled like booze. He was itching to catch me in a lie. I needed to give something, but I couldn’t outright lie.
“Bryson showed me around campus. We had a few classes together.”
“He just showed you around?”
“Yes.”
His lips curved up into a smile, letting me know he had something on me. Damn it!
“Face the wall.”
“I haven’t done anything wrong,” I protested.
He shoved me against the wall, his arm firmly against my throat. I could barely breathe. “I went to hand in some paperwork and I saw you two holding hands, and I saw the kiss. I know you are a queer. You’ll pay for every queer act I catch. You hear me!”
His arm moved from my neck, and I worked on catching my breath. “Please,” I pleaded. “Why can’t you just accept me?” I knew he never would, and truth be told, I didn’t need his acceptance, but I also didn’t want to continue to be punished for who I chose to love.
“Because it’s wrong!” he shouted, slamming me against the wall. My head cracked against it hard and immediately started throbbing. He stepped back and released me. “You’ve been warned, now get out of my sight.”
I didn’t need to be told twice. I raced to my room and locked myself inside. Looking across the way, I noticed that no cars were in the drive.
CAIDEN: Are you home?
I knew what the likely answer was, but I needed to hear his voice. He had said, today, he would be there for me, and God if I didn’t need him now.
BRYSON: No. Is everything okay?
CAIDEN: Where are you?
I didn’t want to pry, but the normalcy of my life when I spoke with him was needed now.
BRYSON: Work.
CAIDEN: Oh, I’m sorry.
BRYSON: What for?
CAIDEN: For bothering you at work. I wouldn’t want you in trouble.
I was likely already messing up his life enough. I didn’t need him getting fired because of me as well.
BRYSON: It’s okay, if I get done the tasks Mom gave me before she leaves, she doesn’t care.
CAIDEN: You work for your mom?
I was surprised by this omission. I didn’t know why. From the brief encounters I had had with them all, it seemed like they were close.
BRYSON: Yes, are you sure you’re okay?
CAIDEN: I’ll be okay.
BRYSON: I’ll be done in an hour, then you’re coming to dinner.
CAIDEN: I shouldn’t.
BRYSON: I think you should.
I didn’t want to make his any harder than it already seemed to be. However, his insistence was nice, and I really wanted to go to dinner at his house.
CAIDEN: Okay.
BRYSON
“Yo, Bry, you are coming?” I turned to find my brother waiting for me, but I couldn’t remember what we needed to do. My mind drifted to Caiden. Something had happened. Had his stepfather hit him again? “Earth to Bryson.”
I shook my head, “I’m sorry, what?”
“We’re supposed to trim back the bushes out front.”
I nodded; I didn’t remember having to do that, but if Bennett said we did, then Mom had instructed it. “Right. Okay. Coming.”
I walked past him, and he let me, but there was concern laced in his eyes. He didn’t speak until we were outside. “So, what’s going on?”
I sighed, “I’m worried about Caiden. I worried about Corbin, but this feels different.”
“Maybe that’s because Corbin was right, you were meant to be with Caiden.”
“I’m not saying you’re wrong, but right now, I don’t know how much I can offer.” I needed to change the subject from me, so I asked, “Do you feel like Kimber is your future?”
They had been dating since they were sophomores in high school. Both were graduating this year and heading off to different colleges, but in the same state. At least that was the last plan I had been told.
“No.” My eyes widened with his answer, and I swung my gaze toward him.
He chuckled, “I love Kimber, but we both know there’s someone else out there for us.” As I stared at him, it felt as though he wasn’t telling me everything, but I decided not to dwell on that look in his eyes.
“After Corbin’s death, everything became so clear. I understood my feelings for him but realized it too late. I didn’t think it was possible to feel like that with someone else, but with Caiden, I feel even more.”
He patted my back. “Then go with it. You’re lucky.”
“Lucky?” I did not feel lucky. Between Corbin’s death and the mess with the team right now. Lucky was, for sure, not how I would describe things right now.
“To have found your other half so soon.”
I processed his words. Corbin had told me Caiden was my future, and my heart certainly took a nosedive whenever he was near, and my thoughts quickly drifted to him. Had that ever happened with Corbin? If I was honest, it had happened, but it was not nearly as strong as it was now with Caiden.
I nodded, “What will happen with you and Kimber?”
He shrugged, “We’ve agreed to a trial year.”
“Do you want it to work out?”
“Like I said, both Kimber and I feel as though we aren’t meant to be each other’s future. We figured the best way to really find out was to try this trial.”
“Will you be upset if it doesn’t work?”
“Part of me will be hurt. She was my first love; doesn’t mean she was meant to be my only love.” He was holding something back.
I processed what he had said silently as we began to work on the bushes out front. I loved Corbin, there was no doubt in my mind, but there was something about Caiden that sent my heart soaring. I was scared to give us a label. I didn’t want it to seem as though I was throwing away Corbin’s memory, but Caiden was fragile, and I was going to have to show him that he did, indeed, mean something to me. How did I even begin to do that though?
CAIDEN
I kept looking out the window, waiting for his car to pull up, but when it didn’t, I started doing some research. Research that, before long, had me sucked in. There was this company looking for a daredevil of sorts. They were willing to pay cash if someone was willing to do the things they were asking. Things like get a tattoo, go bungee jumping, and more. I saved the number in my phone and then looked at the fake ID in my wallet. I knew I shouldn’t have it, but I had gotten it in case I felt I had to get a job behind Mom’s back. She was never going to sign the minor waiver form, but I couldn’t let Mark control us for too much longer. This on-the-side daredevil thing might be the answer.
“Caiden, don’t.” I didn’t want a lecture.
“Grandpa, I have to.”
“No, you don’t. Let Bryson help.”
“I have to save myself if I want a future with him. I have to prove I’m strong enough and not a burden.” I thought back to the things Corbin had told me. Bryson saved his life. Bryson would’ve always been there for him. His actions, so far, with me, at school, proved Corbin’s words true. I wouldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t let him sacrifice his reputation for me. If I could show him that I could be independent, then maybe he’d decide I was worth the risk.
“Bryson’s not like that.” The voice was different. It wasn’t my grandpa’s, it was Corbin’s.
“He needs someone stronger,” I whispered.
“Bryson just needs you. Don’t make my mistake,” he begged.
The wheels in my head turned. “Corbin, he’s special, he needs someone special.” I was a nobody. I knew this. Mark told me often, and I had felt it long before he started throwing it in my face.
“I’m beggi
ng you, Caiden, to trust Bryson. He won’t let you down.” I sighed and looked across the street. His car was home now.
“I trust him. It’s myself I don’t trust,” I admitted.
“That’s a bad idea,” Grandpa scolded.
“I’m a failure. A let down, and I don’t want to let Bryson down.”
“My boy, you are not a letdown.” I could feel the sorrow in my grandpa’s voice.
“Yes, I am. I didn’t save you.”
“You weren’t supposed to save me, kid.” I loved when he called me that.
“But your death was my fault. I ran into the road. You’d still be alive if I hadn’t.”
“Oh, Caiden.” His voice cracked; he knew I was right. I pushed away from my desk and quietly snuck downstairs.
After I was outside, I sent an email to the company, offering to be their daredevil. No matter what I was being told, I knew the truth. I needed to prove my worth to Bryson. He looked after Corbin, and I didn’t want him to feel like he was looking after me too. I wouldn’t be a burden. No, I would be someone he could depend on instead, but to do that, I had to lift myself out of Hell.
Chapter 17
BRYSON
As we ate, I felt as though something was off with Caiden. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but as my mom peppered him with questions, his animated answers raised my alarm bells. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him happy, but it felt off. It felt like an act. I thought about Corbin and the act he put on for everyone but me. No one saw the real him. I was confident they would have loved him if they had only known. I wasn’t going to let Caiden go down that same path. I couldn’t. Corbin’s words haunted me, Don’t let the past repeat itself.
“Caiden, can I talk with you alone for a moment?” I finally asked. My mom glared at me, my plate was far from empty, so getting up from the table was a big no-no. “We won’t be long, Mom.” I reassured, and she nodded. “Caiden,” I said sharply, and he jumped, his eyes lowering as he pushed away from the table. I grabbed his hand and pulled him out back.
“Damn, dude,” he hissed.
“What the hell is going on?” I snapped.
“What? I was just talking with your mom.”