by Amanda Kay
I shook my head. “No, that wasn’t you.”
“Why, because I was smiling. Because I was laughing. Am I not entitled to be happy?” he hissed and then proceeded to stomp away.
I snagged him before he got too far. I pushed him up against the house and assaulted his mouth. He resisted and then melted into me. As we kissed, I felt my Caiden come back to me. The shy Caiden I was falling in love with. I pulled back and cupped his face in my hands. His eyes were shining, but a sadness had returned as well. I didn’t want that sadness there, but I’d figure out how to stop that soon, hopefully. “Of course, I want you happy.”
“I want you happy too,” he admitted.
“I’m happy getting to know you.”
He looked down and whispered, “I’m a mess.”
I lifted his chin, so his eyes met mine again. “A beautiful mess,” I smirked.
“You deserve more.”
I frowned. “What makes you say that?”
“I just know you do,” he protested.
“Caiden,” I whispered. I stroked his cheek, “Talk to me.”
“I want to make myself worthy.”
“You already are.” I took his hand and pressed it against my heart. “I feel it here.”
His breath caught and he leaned forward and kissed me slowly. When he pulled back, he was smiling a real smile and his eyes were glowing.
“Can we have a label now?”
I laughed, “We don’t need a label.”
“You aren’t ready.” I shook my head, and he looked down.
“Caiden, look at me.” When he did, I caressed his cheek. “We don’t need a label. I’m content being us.”
“What if I need a label?”
“Can I think about it a little longer?” He nodded. “Promise me something, no secrets, okay. If I’m going to seriously think about a label, I can’t have secrets lingering between us.”
“Okay, no secrets,” he agreed. I took his hand, kissed his knuckles, and entered the house. We had a meal to finish.
CAIDEN
As we finished our meal, my phone pinged, alerting me to a message. I chanced a quick look and saw I had gotten a response to my email. They wanted to meet me on Saturday. I looked up to find Bryson watching me carefully. He was studying me, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that in this moment. I had just promised him no secrets in exchange for him thinking about having a label and cementing our relationship.
“What’s wrong?” his mom asked.
“Nothing, Mrs. Trevino.”
“Ms. Trevino,” she corrected, throwing me off.
“What?” I sputtered.
Bryson laughed, drawing my attention. “My mom doesn’t like to be called Mrs. Trevino.”
I looked back over at her. “Why not?”
“My ex-husband isn’t a nice person.”
“Sounds like my stepfather,” I whispered.
“Wha─”
“Can we be excused, Mom?” Bryson interjected.
She eyed him for a moment and then nodded, “Sure, not too late, Bryson.”
“Yes, Mom,” he agreed, stretching his hand out to me. I took it with a cautious look at his mom. She had a huge smile on her face as her eyes drifted to our joined hands. I felt her acceptance in my heart, and I felt a peace wash over me that I had never known.
“Your mom ... she’s okay ... with you being...,” I swallowed, “gay?”
He placed his hands firmly on my shoulders, looking me directly in the eye. “Mom wants me happy.”
I dropped my forehead to his shoulder. “I wish my family made it that easy,” I muttered.
BRYSON
My heart broke for him. I wasn’t sure how I could really help. I didn’t know what he needed from me. I knew, though, something had changed. “I don’t know how to help, Caiden,” I admitted once we entered my room.
“Why did you like Corbin?” His question shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did.
I looked away from him and sighed. “At first, it was just him looking lonely. I was going to need a friend ─ Bennett was going to high school when that year ended. Befriending the new kid seemed like an easy choice.”
He stared back at me in shock. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
I nodded. “It makes me sound like a selfish ass, but we hit it off right away. We ended up making sense.”
“Are you only with me because of Corbin?”
I shook my head, and then nodded, and then shook my head again. “I wish I had a more definitive answer, Caiden,” I swallowed.
“What can you tell me about us?” I frowned and then sat us both on the bed facing each other.
“I can tell you, that first day when you introduced yourself, I was shocked you were in front of me so quickly, but before that introduction, I had seen you moving in and it intrigued me to have new neighbors.” I knew that didn’t really answer the question, but I didn’t have an answer for him, at least not one that I felt would satisfy him.
“Bryson, I don’t mean to push, but I have to know if you are only being nice to me because of your promise?”
I closed my eyes and felt tears. I couldn’t answer him straight. Part of the answer was yes, the other part was no, but Caiden was so fragile, I knew the yes would crush him.
“You have to understand something. You have to know that I’m loyal, sometimes to a fault, probably or at least that’s what I’ve been told.” I sucked in a breath, “So, yes, it’s important to me that I keep my promise to Corbin where you are concerned.”
“I thought so,” he whispered and then he slowly began to move off the bed.
I quickly grabbed his hand. “Don’t go; hear me out. I wasn’t done,” I pleaded. There was so much more I wanted to say to him. So much more to that answer.
He shook his head. “I’m not going to force myself on you. I’m letting you out of your promise,” he hissed, pulling away.
I let him go, I didn’t chase after him. Just as quickly as we had made a crucial step to being defined, I had crushed him, and I wasn’t sure how to fix it. He didn’t want to hear me out, and I didn’t blame him. He had feelings for me and knowing that I was still struggling with my feelings for Corbin was something he couldn’t accept. He wanted to be my sole focus, and I couldn’t do that, not yet.
“Why did you let him go, Bry?” I fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
“It was too soon, Corbin.”
“Bryson, please, I’m begging you to fight for him. Please.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Of course, you do.”
I wasn’t sure if he was right, but I knew two things. I didn’t want to let Caiden go, and my emotions were still wrecked from losing Corbin.
Chapter 18
CAIDEN
I wanted him so badly, but I couldn’t get over the hurt. I emailed the daredevil company back, telling them I was in. Then I laid down and tried to fall asleep, but it was useless. I hadn’t been fair.
CAIDEN: I’ll hear you out.
BRYSON: The short answer to everything you asked is, I’m scared.
CAIDEN: Because you had feelings for Corbin and lost him?
BRYSON: Partially.
CAIDEN: What does that mean?
BRYSON: I can’t do this over the phone like this. Promise me something.
CAIDEN: Okay.
BRYSON: Meet me tomorrow at the baseball field.
I wasn’t sure what he had up his sleeve, but I was curious. My head and my heart were spinning. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I wanted him. I wanted a chance to feel normal. To have someone accept me, and despite some of the things Bryson had said, I knew he cared. I knew he looked at me and saw me.
CAIDEN: Okay.
BRYSON: Thank you. Goodnight
CAIDEN: Goodnight.
After ending my conversation with Bryson, my phone signaled another email:
Dear Mr. Kamry,
Thank you for your interest. We would like to do a tr
ial run with you this Saturday. The Covalt Bridge opens with a huge ceremony, and they would like someone to bungee jump from it. The bridge is the tallest in town, and they are hoping it becomes an attraction for thrill seekers. You would need to arrive by ten to secure the job.
I thought back to Bryson’s words. He’d asked that we not keep secrets. I wasn’t sure what he’d think of this. From all I had heard around school, Corbin was known for crazy things, and the street racing was just the next adventure. It took his life, though, and Bryson was still struggling with it. Would he approve of me doing risky things for money? Money I desperately needed.
“He could get you a job at his mom’s office building.”
“No, Corbin.”
“Why not?”
“Mom wouldn’t approve.”
“Would she approve of this?”
“No, but I can hide this better.”
“I’m begging you not to go down this road.”
“Don’t tell him Corbin,” I begged.
“It’s not my story to tell.”
“Thank you,” I whispered before shutting my eyes and hoping sleep claimed me.
BRYSON
I couldn’t help but feel bad as I walked down the stairs; clearly, my mom was cooking breakfast.
“Smells good,” I said, entering the kitchen.
She spun around, her lips pursed. “But?”
I sighed, “But I’m meeting Caiden.”
She nodded, “Take some doughnuts for you both.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I swallowed hard.
“Did something happen between you two?”
I looked down, not sure how to answer this question. I was hoping it was just a misunderstanding that I could correct, but Caiden was fragile, and I needed to remember that. “Just a misunderstanding.”
“You don’t want to talk about it, do you?”
I looked up at her and frowned as I shook my head.
“Understood.” She handed me a bag with the doughnuts in it and two bottles of orange juice. I smiled at the simplicity of it all, knowing Caiden didn’t have this.
I moved toward her and hugged her. “Thank you,” I choked out.
She pulled back and cupped my face in her hands, “You’re welcome, my dear boy.” She kissed my cheek and let me go.
I raced out the door. I had to make things right with Caiden. I needed him to understand where I was coming from. I needed him to know that I was still grieving, but that didn’t diminish what feelings I was developing for him.
CAIDEN
I was waiting for him and was growing anxious with every minute that was passing. “Waiting for someone?” His voice made me jump and smile, at the same time.
“Morning,” I sighed.
He frowned and then climbed onto the bleachers toward me. He didn’t speak for quite a while, and that made me nervous. He grabbed my hand and pulled it into his lap. His thumb caressing the inside of my wrist gently. “I’m still grieving the loss of my best friend. My best friend of three and a half years. The feelings I had were real, but I also hid them. I was trying to make sense of why, and then something else upended my world.”
We were both staring straight ahead, and his pause allowed me to interject. “Corbin’s death?”
“No.” His simple answer caused my eyes to snap toward him and he chuckled, but his eyes stayed forward. “The simple answer is, you upended my world, but I don’t know how to handle that yet. I know you’re fragile, Caiden, and I’m trying to be careful with your feelings. I want to continue things, but I know I’ll also need time. Time to grieve, time to sort through the out of control thoughts of you and Corbin. Time to get my heart under some control when I’m around you.” His eyes came to mine in that moment. “I had feelings for Corbin, I won’t lie, and yes, losing him eats at me. I wish I could’ve done more. Helped him realize he was perfect the way he was. I feel like I let him down.”
“He says you saved his life.” Bryson nodded, but I could hear the denial before he even voiced it.
He sighed heavily. “I let him down. I had a vision the night of the race and I didn’t act on it. Corbin told me I couldn’t change the past. He told me it was time to look toward my future. And that’s you, but I’m terrified. I don’t want us to move too fast, yet you spark all these emotions in me that are stronger than anything I had ever felt with Corbin.”
He squeezed my hand, and I took a moment to gather my thoughts. It was time I put it out there. Time I expressed what has me so terrified and fragile. “I don’t want to bring you down. I don’t want to give you a reason to resent me. My stepdad abuses me because I’m gay. My mom has checked out to the world. I love her, but she hasn’t told me she loves me in a while. When my grandpa died, I felt like he took the love with him. You say I’m fragile, and you’re right, I am. Maybe that’s why I’m so sensitive.”
“I promised you I would never hurt you intentionally, Caiden, and I meant that, but I’m not going to lie to you either because that’s not fair. You need to know my thoughts and you need to know my feelings. Just like I need to know yours.” I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat right as he gently brushed his lips against my cheek.
“I brought us breakfast,” he whispered, and I pulled back.
I smiled, feeling lighter. “Did I crush any hope of us having a label?”
He shook his head. “I’m still thinking. I think we need to be careful. We need to make sure we do right by each other. We need to continue to get to know each other. And, most importantly, we must be honest with each other. We can’t be afraid to hurt one another. Only then can we grow.”
“Grow together, right?” I cleared my throat. He gave me a smile.
“Do you doubt that?” he laughed.
I shrugged. “A little bit.”
He sighed, all the lightheartedness disappearing. He cupped my hands tightly in his. “I’ll erase any doubts. One day at a time.”
“I can deal with that.” He smiled again and kissed me quickly before placing the bag he had brought in front of me. “What’s for breakfast?”
“Doughnuts that Mom made yesterday.” I licked my lips and fished out a doughnut.
Taking a bite, I savored it. “I think I love your mom,” I mumbled with my mouth still full of the bite I had taken.
He laughed, fishing out the second doughnut. “I’ll tell her that,” he said before taking his own bite. We fell into that quiet companionship I was starting to love.
“I like this.” He stared at me. “I’ve never had this type of companionship. I feel we say the most when we are quiet.”
He nodded before groaning; I watched as his dug his phone out of his pocket.
“It’s Mom.”
BRYSON
I readied myself for what she was going to say. She knew I was meeting Caiden, and even though we didn’t talk about it much this morning, I knew she got that we needed to talk. “Hi, Mom.”
“When were you going to tell me?” she snapped, and I felt my eyes widen.
“Tell you what?” I swallowed.
“Coach Lewis called me.”
Of course, he did.
“Mom, it’s complicated.”
I heard her sigh, and I wasn’t sure what to expect next. “We will talk tonight.”
“Okay, I guess that means Caiden can’t come to dinner,” I relented.
“Did you work things out?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good, he can come.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She laughed lightly, confusing me. “I want you happy, Bryson.”
I felt my emotions swoop through me like a title wave.
“Thank you, Mom.”
“Of course.” She hung up, and I stared at my phone.
“What about dinner?”
“Would you like to come?” I smiled at him.
He nodded enthusiastically and smiled a genuine smile. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You’re smiling.”
“Let’s go,” I said, reaching for his hand as I stood. He took it, and I felt the connection. I knew things weren’t always going to go smoothly, but I knew he was my future. I felt it in my heart. We just had to take our time.
CAIDEN
Sitting in homeroom, I couldn’t help but wonder what Bryson’s mom had said. He had sat us in the back today, and I was hoping that meant he wanted talk.
Everything okay?
I handed him the piece of paper and felt his eyes come to me, so I chanced looking his way. When my eyes met his, he shook his head. I frowned, and he started scribbling on the paper.
My place on the team might be in trouble.
My heart shattered when I read his words. I swallowed hard. Was this because of me?
“No.” It was Corbin’s voice. I shook my head in hopes that he would back off.
Because of me? I heard what Corbin said, but I needed Bryson to confirm this.
I wish I could tell you no, but I fear it’s because I came out, and even though we are only starting to explore a relationship, it likely won’t help my case. I’m so sorry, Caiden, but right now, that’s all I can think of.
His words crushed me, but I thought back to what we had talked about already this morning. Bryson promised me that he wouldn’t hurt me intentionally, but that he would always be honest with me.
I’m so sorry, Bry.
He looked at me and frowned right as the bell rang. I grabbed my stuff, unsure of what my next move should be, but Bryson knew what he wanted. He kissed my cheek as he grabbed my hand.
“I’m not throwing away something life-changing for a game,” he whispered.
“But baseball could be life-changing too,” I argued with a smile.
He shrugged. “I’m still betting on us.”
Those words sent me to cloud nine.
Hand in hand, we left our homeroom, and I held my breath as we moved through the hallway. I could again hear the whispers, but my fear wasn’t for myself this time. My fear was for Bryson; it was his reputation on the line.
BRYSON
As we neared the hall where our lockers were, I found that they were blocked, practically, by the entire baseball team.