by Amanda Kay
“Fine. I’m grounded.” I wanted to yell; I’m grounded because I care for your son. I wanted to beg her to take me out of this hell hole, but not without Mom. No, I couldn’t leave her. I sunk down to the top step, unable to stand a moment longer.
She pursed her lips and then climbed the steps. Her arms came around me. “I can help.”
She stood and walked down the steps and out the door. I looked down and saw a business card in my lap. Ms. Trevino was a social worker. Oh god. “Get to your room!” he shouted, and I scrambled to obey.
“He’s going to hurt Mom.”
“It’ll be okay. You can trust Ms. Trevino.” Grandpa’s voice filled the room.
“Mom won’t go along with it.”
“Then save yourself.” I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
“I can’t leave her.”
CAIDEN: You crossed a line.
I wasn’t angry at him, but I was angry, and I had to take it out on someone. I only hoped he would understand.
BRYSON: I just wanted to help.
CAIDEN: Well, you didn’t.
I threw my phone on the bed. We just needed our own money. When Mom saw that we could be free, she’d take the chance.
BRYSON
I had gone too far, and Caiden was pushing me away, but truth be told, I was relieved. We had moved too fast. Our feelings were raw, and we weren’t ready. I had claimed him today. Said he was my boyfriend, and while I didn’t regret taking that stand in front of the team, I should’ve realized it was only going to complicate things between us. We needed more time first.
“I’m sorry, Bryson. I can’t do much more.” I nodded and frowned. “Did you witness the abuse or just see the effects?”
“Ben and I both saw it,” I admitted, thinking back to Sunday. Was it only Tuesday? Honestly, I didn’t know what day it was.
“I could report it then.”
I shook my head; in the short time that I had known Caiden, I knew he wouldn’t tell the cops anything. “Did you give his mom your card?”
“His stepfather wouldn’t let me see her, but I gave it to Caiden.” I only hoped he would use it.
“He wants to step back. Slow things down,” I admitted. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I also needed her advice.
“How do you feel about that?” she asked, sitting on the step next to me.
“We moved too fast. Emotionally, I’m not ready for that.” That was hard to say, but it was the truth. The last few days had been a mixture of a dream and a nightmare. I liked Caiden; I honestly did. I had admitted to loving Corbin, but I didn’t believe I loved him that way. I was attracted to him, sure. I admitted to having feelings for him, but the last few days with Caiden had taken me on an emotional rollercoaster, and whatever life had in store for me, I knew one thing: I didn’t want to get off the ride if it meant walking away from Caiden.
“Everything happens for a reason.” I tried to smile. “Come set the table.” Just like that, my lecture was over. One thing about Mom was that she offered her advice but didn’t overtly invade my privacy, or Bennett’s. She trusted us, and that always felt good.
“Yes, ma’am.” I followed her into the kitchen and did what she had asked me to do. I didn’t remember my father; he took off when I was two. Mom said he hadn’t been a nice guy, but standing in the kitchen now, just watching her get ready for dinner, I knew how lucky I had been. How lucky I still was.
“Earth to Bryson.”
I shook my head, her voice pulling me from my spiraling thoughts. “Hey, Mom.”
“Yes?”
“Thank you. For everything.”
She smiled and turned toward dinner preparations. I knew that she was the rock. She was the glue that held my life together. She and Bennett were the reason I was who I was. I owed them both everything.
CAIDEN
When he pulled out of the drive for what I hoped was for the night, I chanced going across the street, but before I made it out of the house, I was stopped.
“Where are you going?” I wasn’t going to let his manipulation hold her, not tonight.
“I need to talk with Bryson.”
“No. Mark said he grounded you.”
I bit my lip; he had grounded me. Grounded me and hit me for showing affection toward another guy. Toward Bryson.
“He grounded me for holding another guy’s hand,” I admitted and silently pleaded with her to remember when she was okay with this.
“Caiden,” she sighed, “I don’t want you to continue down this path.”
“What path, Mom?” I yelled. “I’m gay. I can’t change who I am!”
“It’s wrong.” I shook my head.
“There was a time when you accepted it. I need you to accept it again.”
“I can’t.” Damn Mark. Why did she have to bring him into our lives?
“Because Mark brainwashed you.” I threw Ms. Trevino’s card at her and stormed back upstairs. If I left, she’d tell Mark, and then I’d be in for it. I hoped she’d see the card and get us help, but I wasn’t going to hold my breath.
Chapter 21
BRYSON
When the doorbell rang, I said a silent prayer for it to be Caiden. Even if I agreed we needed to take a step back, it didn’t diminish how I felt when he was around, and I wanted him around so we could talk and figure out how best to move forward from our steps back.
“Bryson, this is Mrs. Rogers.”
I smiled politely and hoped Mom said more, “Caiden’s mom.” I swallowed hard.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Rogers.”
“You as well,” she paused, and I looked between both of them and waited.
“Bryson, can you give us a few minutes?”
I nodded. “Of course, ma’am.”
I slipped out of the kitchen but heard my mom, “Coffee?”
“That would be nice, thank you, Charlotte.”
Closed up in my room, I looked out my window. There was a light on in an upstairs room, and I saw him standing at his window. I had to take this chance.
BRYSON: Your mom is here.
CAIDEN: She is?
BRYSON: Yes.
CAIDEN: I was grounded.
BRYSON: Why?
CAIDEN: Mark came to the school and saw us holding hands. Showing affection toward each other.
BRYSON: Did he hit you again?
CAIDEN: You know the answer.
BRYSON: I’m sorry.
CAIDEN: I know.
BRYSON: Are we okay?
CAIDEN: I don’t know.
BRYSON: Will you call me?
CAIDEN: We need to step back.
BRYSON: I agree, but does that mean we stop talking? Does it mean we can’t get to know each other?
My phone rang and I was relieved. I knew we needed to talk. We needed to see what the next step was for us.
“Hi,” I answered.
CAIDEN
“Hi.”
“I’m sorry.” His tone told me he was sorry, and that he honestly thought he had done the right thing. If I was honest, he had.
“I know. Is my mom still there?”
“I’m not sure. I was banished from the kitchen.”
“I can’t get my hopes up. Mark has her so brainwashed.”
“I told Mom because I was worried about you.”
“Thank you.” I couldn’t deny him an honest thank you. Hopefully, his plan would free us; however, my hope wasn’t very high.
“You’re welcome.”
“Can I ask you something?” I didn’t know why I needed this answer, but it was important to me.
“Anything.”
I sighed; I was sort of hoping he would say that we didn’t need to talk. I wanted that quiet companionship we had, but I asked, and he had answered, so now I had no choice but to ask my question. “Were you upset I asked to take a step back?”
“Yes and no.”
“What?” That surprised me, although I wasn’t sure why.
“I can’t tell you
I wasn’t hurt, but I was also relieved. Things were moving too fast. I like you, but I’m still grieving,” he paused, and I heard him let out a breath.
“I pushed you.” I knew I had. I was desperate for that connection. “I had never had the type of relationship you had with Corbin, and I wanted that with every fiber of my being. I wanted more, though. I needed to know I was more important, and now, your life is a mess.”
“Says who?” he snapped.
“Come on, Bryson, the situation with the team was a sign.”
“Stop it. Whether or not we’re a couple doesn’t change the facts. I’m gay. It took me longer to realize it, yes; it took Corbin’s death for me to really sit down and think about it. I don’t regret claiming you in front of the team, though.” His tone had taken that authoritarian approach I had seen with Ms. Trevino while she faced off against Mark.
“But you were relieved I wanted to take a step back?” I repeated the question because I needed more of an answer now.
“Yes. We need time. I need time. The team needs time. I’m beginning to realize the importance of time. I can’t change the past. I can’t bring Corbin back. There are times when I would do absolutely anything to bring him back, but then there are times...”
I quickly hung up, afraid of his next words. I had asked for this step backwards, so why did it hurt to hear him say he’d bring Corbin back if he could?
BRYSON: I’m not going to chase you this time. When you’re ready for the rest of what I was saying, I’ll tell you. In the meantime, I’m here.
I didn’t text him back. I couldn’t.
“My boy, why did you stop listening to him?”
“I’m not ready.”
“Fair enough, Caiden, but don’t shut him out.” I just nodded, “Your mother is home now.”
“Thank you.” I truly missed my grandpa. He was the one person I trusted with everything. He had convinced me to tell Mom, and at first, she had accepted me, but soon after Grandpa’s death, Mark started terrorizing her. Beating her for my sin, he said. Now, he beat me, and my mom had turned her acceptance away.
No matter what I was told, I knew I didn’t deserve Bryson Trevino. I couldn’t even be a decent friend and let him tell me everything he was feeling because it was too painful to know another person held his heart.
BRYSON
I went out to the trampoline and laid across it. I stared up at the clouds, and then, I felt a bend in the netting. “Talk to me,” he whispered.
My eyes flew his direction. “Corbin?” I choked. I hadn’t seen him since that night of the district game.
“Talk to me, Bry,” he repeated, interlacing our fingers together.
I sighed. “What about?”
“Caiden.” He looked up at the clouds, so I followed suit.
I took a deep breath in and then exhaled. “We moved too fast. I pushed him too hard. It wasn’t the right time for us.” I wasn’t sure if it would ever be the right time, and having Corbin next me, all I wanted to do was fall back into the past. A past where my best friend hadn’t died. I wanted to drag him from that race. I wanted to confess all my insecurities to him. I wanted to pretend as if everything that had happened, the last few weeks, hadn’t happened. In that moment, I wanted Corbin.
I felt his gaze shift to me, and I couldn’t resist him. I shifted my gaze to his and leaned in to kiss him gently. He resisted and pulled back.
“We can’t, Bryson. I wish I could change things, but I can’t.” None of that mattered, not now.
I swallowed. “But you’re here now.” I leaned in again and kissed him slowly. He didn’t resist me this time. As we fell into a rhythm, reality crashed around me.
“What the hell?” I heard, and I turned and looked up to see Caiden there, staring, his eyes reflecting anger and heartache. I was an idiot. I was an ass. Why had I done that? Damn it!
I jumped off the trampoline, forgetting that Corbin was there as I raced to catch up with Caiden. “Caiden, wait!” I hollered before his foot hit the road to cross the street.
CAIDEN
I stopped, but my heart was hurting. “I shouldn’t be mad at you.” I shook my head; I had done this, right? Failed to hear him out. Told him we had to step back. I pushed him into Corbin’s arms. This was my fault.
He grabbed my wrist and turned me to face him. “But you are, and I understand.”
“You love him.”
“I’ve already told you I did. He was my best friend for three years, and I miss him.” He looked down.
“I did you a favor then,” I hissed. “Once again, this time for good, I release you from your promise.”
He quickly cupped my cheeks, stopping me from leaving. “Caiden, this isn’t fair. You know how I feel about you. Why are you doing this?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does, Caiden. Look at me.” I couldn’t help it; I stared into his eyes. Eyes I was falling into quickly.
“It does matter,” he stressed. I could see how mad he was at himself, but I couldn’t accept it right now.
“I just can’t do this right now.” He sighed and pressed a kiss to my cheek.
Stepping back, he added, “Promise me something.”
“I’ll try.”
“Promise me that this isn’t the end.”
I shook my head and looked down, “I can’t.”
“Caiden, I’m sorry. Please know I’m sorry.” The torture in his eyes told me he was genuine, but his emotions had gotten the best of him and he screwed up, and I didn’t know if I could get past that.
“I know you are,” I whispered, before retreating across the street. I would say safely but I knew I had just left my safety net standing on the other side.
When I got to my room, I peered out the window. He had moved up to the step to his front door, but he was still outside, and he was looking sadly toward my house.
“Did I make a mistake?” I questioned the emptiness.
“No, I did.”
“Corbin?” I wasn’t sure I really wanted to speak with him either.
“I shouldn’t have appeared to him, but he was keeping so much bottled inside. You both are.”
“I’m not ready.” It was the easy excuse.
“I get it, Caiden. I do. But please don’t shut Bryson out because of me. The past is the past.”
I nodded. I understood what he was saying, but Bryson’s heart wasn’t ready for another relationship. I had to take care of myself. I needed to rely on myself. Maybe, when I was strong enough, Bryson and I could have a real relationship. When I wasn’t so easily hurt. When I wasn’t so fragile. Yes, when that happened, we could make a go of things.
BRYSON
I wasn’t sure how to reach Caiden now. Mom had told me that his mom was scared for him, but that was all she offered. He avoided me Wednesday. He avoided me Thursday. Now, it was Friday and I got that we had moved too fast. I wasn’t ready. Seeing Corbin showed that to me, but I missed hanging out with Caiden. I had to be honest with myself and I didn’t want to continue like this. I missed him. I wanted him in my life again. I didn’t know what that looked like and I didn’t care. I needed him. I wrote a note and taped it to his locker, hoping he’d find it.
I miss my friend.
Tell me this isn’t the end.
I went through the motions of the day and he continued to avoid me. Coach called me into the office and said he was pretty sure Kel had come around and if I wanted to, I could come back to workouts. I needed baseball now more than ever, so that was a welcomed distraction for the rest of my life. When I reached my locker, my note was taped there, and he had added some more lines.
I can’t hold on.
So, for now, you’re gone.
Tears filled my eyes, but I took this as a sign. He had reached out to me. Maybe, somewhere, lost in this weird poetic note passing, we could find a way back to each other. I sent him a text.
BRYSON: Let’s go for a walk. So, we can talk.
CAI
DEN: The past still haunts me. For now, we must let it be.
I sighed at his words and walked to my car, trying to come up with the next set of lines I wanted to send him. I wanted to say so much to him, but the words had to be right.
BRYSON: Anything you need from me, I’ll be there, so don’t flee.
CAIDEN: I know you’re there. But, for now, I choose to be here.
I put my phone down and backed out of my space. We had come to a standstill, for now, but I knew I had found a way in. This back and forth poem would eventually lead us back to each other. Back to the friendship we had formed, and hopefully, down the road to becoming an official couple, but that would take time. If I learned one thing from the last week with Caiden, it was that the heart was delicate, and it was important to not rush things.
Chapter 22
CAIDEN
He hadn’t responded since our last poetic lines, and I couldn’t dwell on it. I shut him out. That was my choice. I needed to sleep because, in the morning, I’d be bungee jumping off a bridge.
When I arrived at the bridge the next morning, I stared at the crew that surrounded the area from a distance. Was I really going to do this? A man saw me standing there and approached.
“Are you Caiden?” he asked, stopping before me.
I swallowed. “Yes.”
“Great, after the jump, the two grand is yours.”
I wanted to clarify something, “Cash, right?” He looked at me as he pondered my question and then nodded.
“This way.”
I followed him, taking out my phone. Even though we weren’t talking, I needed to know he still had my back.
CAIDEN: Wish me luck. And pray I don’t get stuck
in the muck.
BRYSON: What does that mean?
I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t answer back in rhyme.
CAIDEN: I can’t explain now.
My phone instantly rang, but I sent him to voicemail. He would never understand why I needed this, but I was determined to find a way to set myself free.
BRYSON
I was staring at my phone after he sent me to voicemail, desperately trying to find the answers.
“Yo, Bry!”
“What, Ben?” I hollered, still annoyed at the exchange with Caiden and terrified about it too.