If I’d learned one thing about myself, it was that I didn’t want him to stay with me because he felt sorry for me. That was no way to win his love. I wanted to be the woman he desired and thought about, the woman to occupy his mind and his heart.
But there had been an uncomfortable shift inside me since our appointment. Instead of being desperate for his attention, I was mad. Mad at him, mad at her, mad at life. I was trying hard not to be mad at God. I’d been down that road after the miscarriage and never wanted to walk that thin line again.
“Why don’t we go get Colin and come to my house for lunch?” Mom clutched my arm as we said goodbye to our friends and made our way down the steps.
I smiled and played it cool. “How about we go out to lunch, my treat? We haven’t done that in a while.”
“Sunday is a family day. You need to see your husband sometime.”
“I see him every day.” Mostly.
“If your schedule is as busy as you’ve said, then you’re not doing any more than waving hello and goodbye. That’s not good for a relationship.” Mom clucked her tongue. “I can make pasta; you can toss a salad. I have fresh sourdough bread too. Doesn’t that sound good?”
Truthfully, nothing did, but I wasn’t going to say so.
I opened the car door for Mom and eased her inside. With a prayer on my lips, I went to the driver’s side and prepared to tell her everything—she was going to find out sooner or later. There wasn’t much chance a baby would stay hidden forever.
So I blurted out the truth, ashamed and spent, as though the confession were my own.
“Lord, have mercy.” Mom fanned herself with the Sunday bulletin. “I knew things weren’t good—I mean, you didn’t exactly keep your troubles a secret—but an affair? A baby?”
Since there was no good answer, I shrugged. “Well, at least now you know.” I switched on talk radio and hoped it would discourage her from diving into the gritty details. But I was wrong, so wrong.
“What’s her name?”
“I don’t know.” I waved to the pastor as he walked by, and prayed for divine intervention. For God to nudge him toward our car so we could somehow change the subject. But he smiled and waved and walked on as though he hadn’t a care in the world. Wasn’t he hearing from God today?
“What’s she look like?”
“How on earth would I know that?” My fists closed around the steering wheel.
“Knowing you, I figured you’d find out.”
I thought back to the day I spied on him at the baseball field, the day Adam saw me but apparently didn’t rat me out. Thank goodness for small favors. Back then I’d convinced myself I wanted to know, no matter how bad the truth was.
But it was different now. The truth had slapped me cold and hard, and the last thing I wanted was to know all about Colin’s lover. My face pinched at the naked truth that barreled over me in a fresh way every time I thought about it, which was all day, every day. Now I felt the need to protect myself from the perfect woman—perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect ovaries—who had lured him away, because the more I knew about her the less I’d like myself. And I wanted to like myself—I really did.
Mom laid a gentle hand on my forearm. “Don’t drive yet. You’re too upset.”
“No, I’m not.” I looked down and found my white-knuckled fingers trembling, and I was breathing in small sips of air. I closed my eyes and attempted to reorient myself.
Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth.
The last thing I needed was a panic attack in the church parking lot. Though tongues would wag eventually, I wanted to fend them off as long as possible. My mini-meltdown wasn’t helping.
“Sorry about that.” My eyes remained closed as I shut out everything but the present moment. I was here, Mom was here, everything was okay for now. “I don’t know what came over me.” The panic dissipated as quickly as it had come on, and for that I was grateful. The coping techniques that Tristan had been trying to teach me for years were finally working.
“It’s good to get it all out.” She handed me a bottle of water and insisted I drink. “You should have come to me sooner. I don’t know why you always think you have to do things on your own.”
Probably because I didn’t need her pushing me until I knew my own mind on the subject, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying so.
“Now you know everything.” I capped the water and handed it back.
“What are you going to do?” She scrutinized me in that special Mom way that always forced out the truth no matter how hard I was trying to hold it back. Only this time, I had no answers.
“What is there to do? Colin cheated and a baby is on the way.” I forced my gaze directly ahead and focused on the cross atop the church. Where was the help in my present time of trouble? I swallowed the self-pity that floundered in my chest.
“With some hard work, you two can fix things up. At least you’re not talking about divorce.” Mom crossed her arms over her purse.
“No, we’re not. No one has mentioned that.” A small dose of relief swept through me.
“You know God hates divorce.”
“I know.” My clipped tone startled me. “Don’t worry about that, okay?”
She fastened her seat belt. “Have you forgiven him?”
“I … I guess so.” I sat motionless as I really tried to think through her question. Had I forgiven him? My heart bled raw every day, and I was in survival mode. Forgiveness was not on my radar. “Maybe not.”
“‘Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.’” She quoted the familiar prayer. “Don’t you want to be forgiven also?”
“Yes, of course.”
She tucked her finger under my chin and forced me to face her. “Then you have an obligation to forgive your husband.” Her words pierced my conscience, opening a new set of wounds.
True forgiveness seemed elusive. It was one thing to ponder but another thing to practice. Even now he could be in the arms of his child’s mother. He could relapse at any time. He was creating a whole new life with someone else.
How could I ever truly forgive Colin when he had the power to hurt me again?
CHAPTER 36
Colin
Colin hid behind the newspaper when Marissa’s newly repaired car pulled into the driveway.
Coward—that’s what he was.
He couldn’t hide forever, but he was still at a loss when it came to conversation with his own wife. She’d opened up at counseling but quickly shut down on him when they got home, and she’d been keeping to herself ever since. How long could he go on prompting and prodding and trying to make her open up? Maybe after a morning in church she’d be more amenable to working things out like Christians were supposed to.
Voices outside caused him to peer over the paper where he saw the fluffy white hair of his mother-in-law pass in front of the window. His jaw clenched, and he snapped the newspaper shut with the creases in all the wrong places.
Great. It was hard enough to fight for normalcy, but to fake happiness in front of Alina was going to be impossible. He could always say he was on his way to work, because that’s where he should’ve been anyway. With the latest setback in his research and the committee ready to make a decision on tenure, it wouldn’t hurt to log in a few more hours.
He tucked the newspaper under his arm and stood, eking out a smile when the women walked into the house. “How was church?”
“It was so good,” Alina said as she set her giant purse on the table in the entryway. “You should come with us next week. There’s room in the pew right beside us.”
Colin felt his face twitch, but he still managed a smile. His marriage had been going well until his mother-in-law persuaded Marissa to start getting serious about church. But what good was all that church stuff if she was still depressed? What good was it if she wouldn’t even forgive him?
“We stopped in to see if you wanted to come to lunch with us.” Marissa’s tone almost dared him to
accept. Might serve her right if he did, but he’d be the one being punished. He needed to talk to his wife alone—no therapist and certainly no mother-in-law.
“I can’t. I’ve got a lot of work to catch up on.” He looked away, scooped the coffee cup off the end table, and headed for the kitchen.
“Suit yourself,” Marissa called out behind him.
“Hold on now.” Alina’s firm tone caused him to stop and turn around. She motioned for everyone to settle down, and then she challenged him with a firm look. “I think we can all go to lunch and enjoy the day together. We’re all adults here.”
Colin’s shoulders sagged, and the newspaper wafted to the ground. “You told her, didn’t you?”
“She was bound to find out. It’s not exactly the type of news you can hide,” Marissa said matter-of-factly. “I didn’t realize it was a secret. I figured as long as I knew, who’s left to hide it from?”
“You don’t get it.” He met Marissa’s eyes over his mother-in-law’s head. “What do you think will happen to me, to my chance at tenure, if word gets out?”
Marissa rolled her eyes and flashed some strange version of jazz hands. “Oh, so sorry. We wouldn’t want to wreck your reputation. That is the most important thing, after all.”
“Come on, you know what I mean. It’s not like I have tenure yet.” He gestured wildly, ignoring Alina’s wide-open stare. “I might be up for it, but they can still fire me for any reason. Do you know what that would do to us financially?”
Marissa shrank back. “Fine. You’re right. But this is my mother, and one way or another she was going to find out. If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t been going around telling random people. It’s not like I enjoy everyone knowing I can’t keep my husband happy at home.” Her mouth quirked. “By the way, when do you plan on telling your family?”
Colin’s ears burned, and anger surged inside his chest as his gaze shot between his wife and his gaping mother-in-law. “This isn’t really the time to be discussing this. We can talk about it later.”
“Let’s go to lunch. Everyone will feel better with a full stomach.” Alina stood between them with hands raised like a crossing guard. “After you take me home, then you can have a deeper conversation, but for now let’s all calm down.”
Colin set his coffee cup back on the end table and took long strides to get around the two women who were determined to gang up on him. He didn’t need this kind of ambush on his one day off. He grabbed his keys and his cell phone. “I have to go,” he said just before slamming the door.
Fire boiled inside him like a cauldron when he backed out of the driveway and jetted down the street. He pointed his car toward campus. The distraction that his work provided would soothe his nerves and keep him out of the house until Alina left.
In truth, he hadn’t really thought much about telling his family. Throughout his life, they always had his back, and up until Marissa’s snide remark, he had no reason to assume they wouldn’t do the same now. Mom might be a little upset, but no one had wanted a grandchild more than she did. Eventually she’d get over the shock of the situation and enjoy having a baby to dote on.
It was the university faculty he worried about. Even if Kaitlyn was no longer a student, they still had standards they were bound to uphold. They could easily pass him over for tenure without explicitly stating the reason. If Kaitlyn’s parents raised a stink, he might even be fired.
His stomach soured. How much did her parents know? This was the kind of loose thread he couldn’t let dangle, and he was ticked at himself for not asking about it before.
Instead of heading to his lab, he changed direction and pointed his car toward Kaitlyn’s house. The last time he’d seen her went well. She was warming up to him, and their relationship would work out as long as he didn’t put himself in a compromising situation. The stomach thing—he couldn’t slip up and try to touch her that way again. It made him want so much more.
Nerves batted around inside his chest as he stood on the porch and waited for her to answer the door. If he’d been thinking clearly, he’d have brought a load of groceries to make sure she was eating well, despite her pride.
“You’re here.” The surprise on her face didn’t bode well. It hadn’t been that long since he’d been by, had it?
“I told you I’d be back.”
“But I never know when.” The challenge in her voice erased what little confidence he had. Wariness flickered in her eyes before she stepped aside and allowed him to come in. “Sorry, I’m a mess. It’s not a good time.”
“Is it anything I can help with?” He palmed her shoulder and studied her face. Fatigue lined her eyes, and her mouth was clamped.
Kaitlyn attempted to run her fingers through her messy bun, which only drew down more blond hair to feather around her chin. She shut the door and took her usual spot on the recliner. “No. I just heard from my roommate, Sydney. She’s not coming back to school, and I don’t know how I’m going to afford this place without her. I mean, it was fine over the summer because I knew it would only be a few months, but I can’t afford the rent by myself forever. Never mind.” She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes.
Colin knelt by her chair and lifted her chin to force eye contact. “Hey, I want to help. It’s okay to talk to me about your life, your needs. It all affects our baby, and if I can ease some of the pressure, then I’d like to help.”
“There’s not much you can do about my roommate situation.” She sighed and looked away. Maybe she was just as afraid of connecting with him again as he was with her.
He covered her small hand with his and squeezed. “You’re not going through this alone.”
“That’s what everyone says, but sometimes it sure feels like it.” Kaitlyn thrust her chin higher and smiled. “That’s life, and I can deal with it.”
While he loved her attitude—a complete one-eighty from Marissa’s neediness—Kaitlyn’s expression was phony. He wanted her to be real with him. They had a child to raise together and they needed to be honest with one another, even if that wasn’t how they started out.
Colin backed off and headed for the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator, and the contents appeared to be in the same sorry state they were the last time he was here. Nothing but condiments. “You still haven’t been to the grocery store?”
“I eat at work. I already told you that,” she called from the adjoining room.
He opened the first cupboard. “Noodles, crackers, and mushroom soup? Not sure where you were going with this.”
Kaitlyn stood there with fire in her eyes. “What gives you the right to come over and check out my kitchen?”
Colin rolled his neck to ease the tension. How many women were mad at him today? “Look, I just need to make sure you’re taken care of.”
She fisted her hand on her waist, which had substantially thickened since he’d last seen her. “You have a wife to take care of. Don’t you think that’s enough? Do you really think you can come to my rescue too? That might be a lot more than you bargained for.”
He softened his voice. “Are you in that bad of shape?”
“If I was, could you do anything about it?”
Not likely. His paycheck was already stretched so thin it was see-through, but the responsibility was weighing on him, and it actually made him feel good, like he was needed in a positive way. “The baby is as much my responsibility as yours.”
Kaitlyn shook her head and walked away. She opened the back door and let in a warm breeze. “You say the words, but I’m not feeling them.”
Colin followed her to a small redwood deck that overlooked the forest and joined her at the railing. He watched a family of squirrels scamper up and down a tree. “What would you like me to do? Just say it, and I’ll do whatever you ask.”
“That’s the problem.” She met his gaze with an intensity that made him draw back. “There’s nothing you can do, not with the situation as it is. This isn’t ideal for anyone, least of all your family
.”
“This child is going to be my family too.”
Her lips firmed, and she hesitated before she spoke. “Let’s just drop it, okay? You’ve done your welfare check, now you can go home.”
The wind kicked up, further loosening her hair and blowing it into her eyes. Colin tucked an errant strand behind her ear. “Is that what you really want?”
Seconds ticked by while her eyes probed him. “I don’t know what I really want.”
“I know the feeling.” Colin pulled his eyes away and turned his focus back onto the squirrels. “It seems like there aren’t any right answers.”
“That’s exactly how I feel.” She leaned over the railing, her arm brushing his. “It’s like I want to be happy because there’s a baby on the way. A baby is supposed to be a happy occasion, but the circumstances suck.”
“They do,” he admitted, glad to find common ground. “How are things working out with your parents?”
“The same. I haven’t heard from them since the day I told them. They’re probably still in shock.”
“They’ll come around eventually, won’t they?” He couldn’t imagine abandoning his son or daughter when they needed him most, but so many people took their children—even their adult children—for granted.
“It’s hard to say. I hope so.”
Colin worked up the courage to continue, and at the same time he tried to sound casual. “Do you think they’ll call the university?”
Kaitlyn’s eyes closed, and a vein in her temple pulsed. “Is that all you care about? Your precious job?”
“It’ll be kind of hard for me to be a responsible parent without it,” he shot back, more sharply than he should have.
She softened and turned away. “Good point. No, they haven’t called the university because I never told them you work there. We never got that far in our conversation. Once I told them I was pregnant, it went downhill really fast. Honestly, you’d think I was fifteen with the way they reacted.”
“Maybe they just need to get used to the idea.” Like Marissa, and even her mother. Even he’d had to get used to it, though now that he had, he wanted everyone else to catch up. It was time to move forward and make plans rather than pointing fingers and making accusations, deserved or not.
Shadows of Hope Page 21