A Heart Reborn

by BK Harrell

  “I certainly understand that I can’t monopolize your time tonight. It’s been a long day so I think I’ll head on home. I would really like for you to call me later. Don’t worry about the time when you call.” Coop stood up and was happy that she accepted his hug and a quick peck on the cheek. If the warm feeling he got from that quick chaste kiss was any indication, his world was going to go into a freefall if he ever got to kiss her like he wanted to do. “Good luck with work, Sarah.”

  “Thanks, Coop. Drive safely.”

  Sarah walked out to meet her residents and then took them to the patient’s room. The patient was a thirty-two-week gestational age prima-gravida who had gone into labor three hours before. She thought the contractions were Braxton-Hicks and delayed coming in until she felt her water break. Sarah doled out assignments and watched as the team carried them out. She was impressed with their efficiency and professionalism. After the monitors were hooked up, she did a manual exam and felt the head of the baby ready to crown. Sarah called the NICU to get them on standby and to bring an incubator to the delivery room. Given the emergent nature of the delivery and the uncertainty of the condition of the infant, Sarah took charge and performed the delivery allowing Dr. Jones to assist. After thirty minutes of pushing and screaming, a very small baby boy was delivered. At seventeen inches and three pounds six ounces, she allowed the mother to briefly hold the baby before sending him to the NICU. Unfortunately, the drama didn’t end there as the placenta decided to partially remain in the uterus and cause hemorrhaging. They ended up having to rush the patient to the OR for an emergency dilation and curettage (D&C). Sarah had done a lot of things in her training but running down the hall to the OR with her hand and arm inside the patient applying pressure was something she would rather have not been doing.

  An hour later, as Sarah finished scrubbing her hands, she smiled due to the fact they ended up having a good outcome without having to do an emergency hysterectomy. Sarah shook her head, suddenly realizing how tired she was. It had been a non-stop day since she arrived and she wanted nothing more than to lie down in the on-call room for a few minutes and wait for the next disaster that would follow her around today. However, as she laid down the only thoughts she was having was that she wanted to call Coop. Fishing her cellphone out of her jacket pocket, Sarah pulled up Coops number and hit dial.

  “I was beginning to think you forgot about me.”

  “I couldn’t forget about you if I tried. The patient ran into some complications and it took a lot longer than expected. It’s been one of those days, and I was going to lay down for a few minutes, but I’d rather talk to you than rest.”

  “I’m honored that you’d rather talk to me. Everything go okay with the patient?”

  “In the end, yes. Just not how she imagined her day would go. However, mom and baby are fine. He was premature and will be in the NICU for a little while, but otherwise healthy for his size. I seem to remember your mom telling me you couldn’t wait any longer, and came a few weeks early as well, and we all know how you turned out.”

  Coop laughed. “Yeah, I was four weeks early but still almost seven pounds when I came out. I don’t think mom could have handled me at full term.”

  “I’m sure she’d have been fine, but I always got the feeling that you were anxious to be places and get things done. Patience was never one of your strong suits. Hence your strikeout numbers a few years ago.”

  “Well, what can I say. I finally found my center with yoga. That helped me learn to be more patient and that helped my game.”

  “I agree, it seems to have really helped. What are you doing right now?”

  “Just sitting out on the veranda drinking some bourbon, smoking a cigar, and thinking about you.”

  “Wow, must be really strong bourbon to get you to think about me, or does thinking about me cause you to drink the bourbon.”

  Coop laughed into the phone. “None of the above. This is usually how I finish my days off now. It’s peaceful to stare out at the golf course under the moonlight and pontificate about life. I gave up chasing women and hanging out in strip clubs a couple of years ago. It was unfulfilling and I was still lonely. So, I figured I could be lonely at home and not have a nasty hangover the next morning. So, you started to tell me something at dinner. You said you hadn’t been interested in dating or anything else in a year since…and then you got called away. So, what was it that changed your focus.”

  Shit. Her and her big mouth. “Don’t judge or laugh at me, but here’s the tragic story of what happened a year ago. What I’m telling you is not meant to be painful so just listen. After you, I was a shell of myself for a long period of time. After medical school and during my residency, I kind of went over the ledge. I felt like I had missed out on so much that I went a little kray kray. So, our bosses are great. Let me start by saying that. They don’t care who you date or fall in love with, but they have one simple rule…no fucking in the hospital or clinic. So, one night I said screw it. I had been there for like thirty hours when I went at it with another resident. Frankly, we were really the only people we had time for. Anyway, I got a little loud and the story quickly made its way back to Lincoln. He had recently been dealing with a very stressful situation with his then girlfriend, now wife, and he was not in a good mood. He threatened us within an inch of our residency and then we both got night float for three months. After that, I was assigned to your other boss Cole for a few months, and he was going through a very difficult time, but he took me under his wing and taught me about loving myself first and foremost. So, no men, and before you ask smartass, or women in the last year. I’ve really focused on me and they offered me a job and paid off the student loans when I came to work here.”

  Coop was ready to put his fist through a wall. Not at what Sarah had done, because hell he had had many of those nights trying to forget her, but at the thought of another man touching her. He worked hard to find his center and control his breathing. Gritting his teeth and finally finding his voice he said, “Well, I’m glad it all worked out for you. You seem to be doing well now.”

  “I am. It’s been a long journey, but well worth it.”

  Once Coop got himself back under control, he tried to suppress a laugh that was building. It reminded him of getting caught in the shower with a cleat chaser in Double-A. Eventually he lost the battle and laughed out loud.

  “What the hell, Coop? I bare my soul to you and you laugh at me?”

  “Sorry, Sarah. I’m not laughing at you. It just reminds me of a similar situation I found myself in, in Double-A. I kind of got caught with a girl in the showers after I got thrown out of a game. Not the same, but it forced me to re-evaluate things much like you. Unfortunately, even though I learned that lesson, I couldn’t stop my wild streak. Everyone wanted to call me Crazy Coop, but you are the only one allowed to call me Coop. So, I kept messing around, but the funny thing is brunettes were off-limits, because all they did was remind me of you.”

  Sarah had been getting nauseous listening to Coop’s story. She knew she had no right to claim him, and that he would have been with other women, but it just struck her that he did these things because of her. It also dawned on her that she made a huge mistake by not giving him a chance to explain. She was fighting back tears as she thought about what she had done. Thankfully, before she had to speak again her pager went off. Relief rushed through her as she realized she could skip this part of the conversation. Gathering her voice she said, “Sorry, Coop. Duty calls again. Good night. Hope we can do this again soon.”

  “Thanks for talking with me. Look, I know you have to run, but I have a quick question. I have this boss whose getting married in a few weeks and I need a date. I hate to go stag to weddings it makes me look pathetic.”

  “I can’t really go as your date since I’m in the wedding, but you can be my seat mate at the reception. Does that work for you?”

  “I’ll take what I can get. Hope all goes well and you get some rest. Good night.” />
  Coop sat on the veranda contemplating the phone call. He was sure there was something she wasn’t telling him. She seemed on the verge of tears when they finished the call. Did she have regrets about what happened? He sure as hell did. She had caused him the worst year plus of his life, and while he had regrets, they could all be erased if they ended up together. He knew he had been lying to himself and his mother. He wanted kids, but he only wanted kids with Sarah. Coop retired for the night, but he was more confused about the enigma that was Sarah Buckley than he had been in a long time.

  Sarah had never been so thankful to see her relief walk into the labor and delivery area. She had done five more deliveries after her conversation with Coop. That didn’t take into account the number of patients they had seen yesterday morning and afternoon. Her eyes felt like she had the entire gulf shore behind her eyelids. After turnover, she had no idea how she was going to make it home. She thought about taking a nap in the on-call room, but decided the drive home would be worth sleeping in her own bed. She watched as her residents turned over the patients they still had and went through the complex cases from yesterday. She could tell they were exhausted, but they’d done a magnificent job and she couldn’t have been more proud. When she finally walked out of the hospital, she was greeted by the first cold day of fall which actually helped to revive her senses enough for her drive home.

  Once Sarah was home, she couldn’t fall asleep. All she could think about was her conversation with Coop. His actions weren’t that of a man who had a child somewhere else. She didn’t think he’d be the type to cheat on his wife or girlfriend, but hadn’t that supposedly happened to her. Alone in the solitude of her bedroom, Sarah finally let the tears that had been threatening since last night to fall. She cried for herself, for Coop, and for her son who’d never known his father. Sarah finally cried herself to sleep.

  Sarah was awoken by Harry jumping on her bed. She usually didn’t sleep that late but she was exhausted and didn’t have to work on Saturday. “Hey, Slugger. How was your day at school?”

  “It was great, mom. I aced my science and math tests. Lunch was a little disappointing today, but Nana stopped at Smoothie King for a snack on the way home. Are you going to come to practice with me today?”

  “Certainly. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Let me get ready and then we’ll go.”

  Sarah dragged herself out of bed, still feeling the effects of working twenty-four hours. She wasn’t twenty anymore and even though these days were far and few in between, they still drained her. Sadly, it seemed to take her longer to recover with each passing year. The shower finally woke her up, and she was ready to go and watch Harry practice. It pained her to know that he was growing up so fast, and he was becoming more and more like his father. She knew he was going to be a heartbreaker when he got older. She just hoped at some point he had a male role model to help guide him.

  Practice went well, and she didn’t have to fake an emergency to get away from Harrison. So, all in all, she considered it a win. After practice, they went to Marietta Pizza Co. for dinner and then she took him to the movie.

  On the drive home from the movie, Harry looked at Sarah and said, “Will I ever get to meet my dad? Don’t get me wrong, mom. I love you and Nana, but I don’t know, everyone always talks about doing things with their dad and sometimes I feel left out.”

  Sarah didn’t know how to respond and had a difficult time seeing through the tears that were forming. “Harry, do you…do you resent me for not telling you about your dad?”

  “No, mom. I just wonder sometimes if I look like him or if he even likes baseball.”

  “Harry, I don’t know how to answer that question. Here goes, you look a lot like your father and yes, he loves baseball. He wouldn’t do anything else but play baseball. I know he would love you very much, and be very excited to watch you play baseball.”

  “Why hasn’t he ever come to see me?”

  Shit shit shit shit. How do I answer that question? “Harry, there are somethings that happened a long time ago, and I don’t know how to tell you this, but your father doesn’t know about you. I’m sorry. It seemed like the right decision at the time, but lately…well, lately I’ve been questioning my decision a lot. However, I know that the time will come when I tell him about you, and he’ll probably be very angry at me, but he’ll love you unconditionally. He will spoil you rotten and make your dad dreams come true.”

  “When?”

  “Probably after the new year. We have to talk about it, and that won’t happen until at least January. Please don’t hate me, Harry. I was young, confused, and hurt when everything happened, and then I found out about you, and it seemed like it was too late to hit the reset button.”

  See glanced over at her son and saw him just staring out the window. “Harry. Harry. Did you hear anything I said?” Sarah got nothing in return. She knew she deserved the silent treatment from Harry. She deserved everything he gave her and more. She was a horrible excuse for a mother. When she parked the car after the silent last half of the ride, Harry shot out of the car like he was stealing a base and ran into the house. Sarah walked into the house to find her mother sitting in the living room with a questioning look on her face.

  “What was that all about?”

  “He asked about his dad on the way home, and I told him as much of the truth as I could right now. He’s pissed at me, but probably not as pissed as I am at myself. I swear, mom, if I could go back and make my decisions again I would’ve told him about being pregnant, but I can’t go back in time and change things. I did tell him that he’ll get to meet his father, but it wouldn’t be until after the new year.”

  “That certainly explains why he looked so angry, and ran straight upstairs to his room. I know you’ve been having doubts lately, but you did what was right for you at the time. It’ll all work itself out in the end.”

  “We’ve been communicating more and more lately. He even brought me dinner last night to the hospital and dinner for all the nurses and residents. We had a good talk about where we were at right now, and a little about the past, but nothing about us. We even talked on the phone after I got called away. That was probably the hardest, because everything he says to me screams that he didn’t cheat on me, and I over-reacted to the situation.”

  “You were young and it was your first relationship. However, when I saw you two together, I got the sense that it would also be your last. I had never seen two people more perfect or in love than when I saw you two.”

  Listening to her mother caused Sarah to breakdown in tears. Her mom came over to her and wrapped her arms around her to soothe the pain.

  “I didn’t tell you that to upset you, but I thought you should know. I didn’t tell you ten years ago because I didn’t want my words to sway your decisions. You had to arrive at where you are today on your own. Has it been tough to stand by and watch you struggle? Hell yes, but only you can decide what’s right and when is the right time. I think you now know what’s right, but the when is what you’re still confused on. Take your time. That man isn’t going anywhere.”

  Sarah sniffed away the tears. “Thanks, mom for always being there for me. For us. Funny thing is, Coop asked me to go to Cole and Marcie’s wedding with him. He was happy when I offered myself as a post-nuptials date because I was in the wedding. We agreed to not talking about the past until January, and we’ll stick to that. I just hope that by then, I know what I’m going to do, and I hope that Harry can find some forgiveness for me before then.”

  “I’m sure you will. You’ve had a long two days. Why don’t you head to bed and sleep on it? Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Remember, we have to leave by ten for Harry’s game.”

  “Good night, mom, I love you.”

  “Love you too sweet girl. Sleep tight.”

  Chapter Six

  Sarah awoke Saturday morning feeling like she had been run over by a truck. She couldn’t remember sleeping that poorly in a long time. No matter wh
at, she had to be ready for Harry’s game and try to be the best mother she could be. Thankfully, when she emerged from her room, she discovered that her mom had already made breakfast and brewed the coffee. Sarah was happy to see Harry sitting there talking to her mom smiling, but the good feelings didn’t last long. When he turned his head and saw her, the smile turned to a frown and he left the table.

  “Don’t take it too hard, Sarah. He’ll come around.”

  “What. When he’s twenty?”

  “It’ll be okay. He was given a lot of information yesterday. He needs time to process it. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?”

  “I know, mom. I already feel like shit about this, but now I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don’t know what to do about it. No matter what I do, I can’t win. If I tell him now, it’ll be almost impossible for him to not let it slip and then if he does at school the other kids will make fun of him. Tell me, mom. What’s the right answer?”

  “I don’t know honey. I think you need to take some time and figure it out. Also, just give Harry time. His dad will be there when it’s time. You’re right about telling him too soon, but it could be a late birthday present. I assume you’ll tell Harrison before the season starts. Give him some time to process everything before he starts back up full-time.”

  “You’re right, mom. I’ll tell him before the season starts even if I have to fly down to Florida and tell him then. Which might actually be a little safer. I will tell Harry when the time is right. I don’t know how soon after the New Year it will happen, but it will happen. This is going to be a helluva new year.”