Drowning in Stars

by Debra Anastasia

  I was not in nearly as much trouble as I thought I would have been. There would still be repercussions at school. Mike and I hugged hard when he saw me. He stepped aside and Austin gave me a hug, too.

  “Bud? What happened? You’ve been gone two days?”

  “I’m sorry. I just… A bunch of people played a prank on a girl and I gave her my clothes, and then I punched a dude for laughing. ’Cause I couldn’t smack the girl who masterminded it.” I ran my hands through my hair, then I noticed Austin holding out his fist to bump.

  Mike squeezed my shoulder and then stood, hugging my head. I tossed my arm around his waist. “Proud of you, Gaze. As always. Let me talk to a few of the people around here and see if I know any of them.”

  Austin moved closer to me. He was wearing a geometric sweater and black pants with zippers all over them.

  “How’s Ronna? How are Teddi and Milt and Rocket?” It felt like a lifetime since I’d laid eyes on them.

  “We’re a mess. Maybe you could have been more of an asshole and we wouldn’t have missed you so much.”

  “That must be what I’m working on here then.”

  “Seriously. In the clink in under three days. That has to be a record. We didn’t tell Mom you were in jail. We just said you needed some stuff, because honestly, she would’ve lost it.” He pointed at my boxers. “New look?”

  “Yeah. Pixie needed them more than I did. Freaking classic bullshit, stealing her clothes while she had PE class.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose.

  “Okay. Yeah. Let me check something.” He pulled up his social media and did a few clicks. “Yup. Here it is. Poor little sweetheart. Oh, here you are. Jumping the crowd. Oh, Buttercup. Look at you giving her your clothes. Oh, shit. This is trending. It’s gonna be viral.”

  He handed me his phone and I watched as I helped Pixie into my pants. “Crap.”

  A quick scroll down gave me a peek at what people were saying. The guys were mostly commenting on her body, which was expected, but still made me furious. And the girls were commenting that they were swooning about me.

  I handed his phone back.

  “Let me go to the van and see if I have any pants for you.” Austin ruffled my hair as I tried to figure out what to do.

  I felt sad for Pixie. Her body was on display for the whole goddamn world. Stupid kid I punched had plenty of evidence that I was for sure the one that punched him. The audio was garbled, considering the things that were said.

  Austin came back in with a pair of jeans. “I think these are dad’s? But they are clean and should fit.”

  I took them, removed my shoes, and put on the pants. The cops were being very liberal with me. I was just sitting on a bench in the station. Soon after I had the pants on, Mike was back. “They’re going to take you back to your building, Gaze.”

  Austin stood up. “We can’t drive him?”

  Mike shook his head, obviously disappointed. “Not today, son. Bruce has put a restraining order on your mother and me, so we have to say goodbye and move on.”

  I hugged them both. “Bruce is really, really trying me right now.”

  “Just keep being you and stand up for that girl. She needs you.” Austin gave me an air kiss on the cheek.

  An officer came by and dangled his keys in my direction. “Time to go home and face the music, I guess.”

  I didn’t get the sense he was trying to give me the business, more that he was trying to be polite in an awkward situation.

  Mike offered some parting words, “Talk to no one without a lawyer. He’ll be by your place tomorrow to firm things up.”

  “Will this affect my scholarship chances?” I would do what I did again, no matter the consequences.

  “We’ll worry about that later. Love you.” Mike jammed his hands into his jeans pockets.

  “Same.”

  We had to go our separate ways, and I felt like the bandage was getting yanked off the wound all over again.

  The cop opened the passenger door of his cruiser and I slid in. It was nice of him not to put me in the back. He drove me home without much conversation, which was fine with me.

  After we pulled up to my building, he offered, “Hey. Stay out of trouble.”

  It was half-hearted, but I appreciated the sentiment. “Yeah. Thanks.”

  The neighborhood kids were hanging around, trying to get a sense of what was happening. I ignored my front door and went straight to Pixie’s. I had something else I needed to do before I dealt with Bruce.

  Chapter 43

  Pixie

  THE TAIL END of the police car was in view and I watched as Gaze strode with purpose in my building’s direction.

  He was coming to see me. I was frozen in my spot by the window. Gaze was going to go to my door and knock, and Bic was home.

  My hate for Bic was extreme. My personal safety boundaries kept me out of his arm’s reach as much as possible, but I wasn’t going to let him hurt Gaze.

  After I ran down the flight of stairs, I arrived in time to see my apartment door swing open.

  “Gaze!”

  He turned his head slightly toward me, which was why the blow he was installing on Bic’s face wasn’t a complete dead-on center knockdown. Instead, Bic stumbled backward.

  I skidded to a stop between Gaze and the opportunity of him getting into my apartment.

  “You’re out of jail. You don’t want to go back.” I had my hands on his chest.

  Gaze’s wild eyes finally pinned on me, like my voice was arriving behind me like a jet plane.

  He had rage tears. His face reminded me of his much younger one. I reached out and held his hand. “It’s okay.”

  He used my hand to pull me behind him. As soon as I was, Bic was swinging at Gaze. He bobbed and then let go of my hand to retatliate.

  “You sick motherfucker. You.” Punch. “Will.” Punch. “Never.” Punch. “Touch.” Punch. “Her.” Punch. “Again.”

  I grabbed the back of Gaze’s shirt and pulled. It was like trying to stop a car. My veins filled with ice, hearing Gaze speak my greatest shame.

  I grabbed at his biceps, pulling as hard as I could. “Stop! Stop!”

  He whirled on me, furious. “You want to save him?”

  Bic wasn’t going anywhere now. I peeked around at the moaning pile of man that Gaze had rendered a former shell of himself.

  “No. No. Of course not. I want to…”

  I stopped pulling on him and gave myself some thinking space. Some talking space. “I want to save you.”

  He looked at my feet and then at the ceiling, those rage tears making tracks on his cheeks.

  “I’ve always only wanted to save you.” I scurried backward a bit as Bic’s moans got louder. Dreama clacked into the doorway with her tall stilettos.

  “Bic? What the hell did he do to you?”

  I reached out my hand to Gaze. We needed to get out of here, and now. I waited for his response, somehow feeling more exposed than when I was at school in my underwear.

  Chapter 44

  Gaze

  I WAS RAW. I was making rash decisions. But nothing had ever felt as necessary as hitting the hell out of Bic. In the hallway was Pixie, waiting for me. She reminded me of the younger version of herself, just knowing what was better for the two of us and just fucking doing it. She was still wearing my outfit, but the pants were rolled up and the jacket was on correctly and buttoned up.

  I held my hand out to her, our fingertips touching. I nodded. I’d go with her anywhere. I should have stayed with her here. Bic would’ve never had a chance to abuse her if I had been watching.

  She led me up the stairs, turning from time to time to look at my face. When we got to the apartment upstairs, the front door was unlocked. Pixie shut it behind us.

  “I watch her plants when she visits family. And she’s gone now,” Pixie explained her access to a different place.

  “I’m sorry if that upset you.” I wanted to keep holding her hand, but she dropped it.

 
; “I hope Bic rots in hell. I just want you not to go to jail again.” She sat at the kitchen table. The apartment smelled like a hint of mold and lavender in a particularly old way.

  I wiped at my face. “I read the notes in the coffee can.”

  And then her face fell even more. “I tried to get those. I couldn’t.”

  “Did you not want me to read them? They had my name on them.” I scratched my scalp.

  “I didn’t know you were coming back. I just needed an outlet.” She slumped forward and buried her face in her hands.

  “I just want to do the right thing here. I was so angry for so long.” The sounds of the city made their way through the thin glass of the windows.

  Pixie was here, in front of me, as precious and amazing as she’d always been. I had wondered if I was in actual love, but time had made me doubt. But now I knew that my love for her was as real as the blood on my hands.

  Me paying attention to my hands called to something in her.

  “Are you hurt? Let’s clean you up.” She stood and got a hand towel, wetting it from the faucet with warm water. Her hands were shaking as she tried to wipe my skin, cleaning it.

  “I think it’s all his. I don’t have that much pain at all.” I took the towel because her trembling was brutal to watch.

  “I’m sorry. I just... it’s crazy, you know. After all this time and not telling anyone.” She tucked her hands behind her back before shuffling them forward.

  “I don’t know what to say. I just want to kill him.” I looked at the door, thinking of doing that exact thing.

  “You’re you, just way bigger. I can’t believe it’s you. When you came across the parking lot…”

  “How are you? Jesus, those kids are vicious.”

  “I’m used to it. They’re just noise. Today was something, though. I think they were trying to impress you.” She plucked at my pants that she was wearing.

  “I’m so fucking mad at them, at Bic, at…” I swallowed my next word, considering that she’d been through it today.

  “It’s okay. You were mad at me.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I knew you would be.” Her turquoise eyes shined up at me.

  “Then why’d you do it? Why call CPS?” The question I’d asked myself in the mirror day after day. Why did Pixie not protect what we had?

  “He was going to kill you. He’d lost control. I’d never seen him that bad, that horrible. He was squishing you.” Her breathing increased, and her pupils widened.

  Not remembering gave me immunity to the stress she was feeling about the incident.

  “I’d have rather died than move away from you.” I glowered at her.

  Her face filled with true Pixie rage. I’d missed it.

  “And then you’d be gone forever. And I’d never see you again. Do you know how much peace I had knowing you were safe at a foster home? That we weren’t trying to figure out the right amount of beat you got before it was too serious. Because it was serious. He was killing you.”

  “You chose for the both of us.” I stood as well.

  “You would have done the same thing for me.” She stomped her foot and it felt like home.

  “But I didn’t get to. You had to deal with Bic all on your own.” I folded my arms over my chest.

  “I had to choose between you or me. I chose you.” Pixie Rae was glowering at me like she was holding a baseball bat to bullies. That was my girl. The no shit taking badass that somehow taught the world to be better for her.

  The reality of her statement hit me and I sat down hard.

  That was how she saw it. It hadn’t been about her revealing my secret, but about her making sure that at least one of us got out alive.

  If it hadn’t been so quiet in the room, I wouldn’t have heard her next sentence. “And I’d do it again if I had to.”

  “Okay. I get that.” I understood where she came from. Which meant that I would have to accept that she did the right thing and respect what she’d been through because of it. “What do we do next?”

  She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I don’t know. That’s a tough one. I mean, I guess I have to find out what’s happening downstairs.”

  “Well, I’ll be with you the whole time. If you want me to be.” I wanted to be supportive, but I knew she had to be the one to make the decision.

  “Yeah. I want you to be.” I could tell she was trying to smile, but failing. “But I’m not sure how this is all going to go down.”

  She was hesitant, and now my fists had put her in a position she didn’t want to be in. My rage was still there, bubbling at the top of my throat, but doing the right thing and being a friend to Pixie used to be one in the same. Now, things were murky. How could I ask her to do anything? I wanted to just be here for her, even if that meant being away from her. It was conflicting. Toss in the added surreality of being in the same room with her after so much time apart and I was a mess.

  “Hey. It’s great to see you.” We were in a heap of crazy, but I was overcome with seeing her. And then her smile was genuine.

  “You have no idea how much I missed you.” I stood up again. She took off for me, and I wrapped her in a huge hug.

  “Hey, Pixie,” I mumbled into the top of her hair.

  “Hey, Gaze,” she responded, her face buried in my chest.

  We stayed like that for minutes. Just being together. Peace flooded my system. She was just right. Still. After all this time.

  “You grew. Like a lot.” She looked up at my face and I was moved by her tears.

  “Yeah, I super grew the hell up. My foster mom said it was a full-time job keeping me in clothes that fit.” I used the opportunity to get a close look at her face. Her skin was so soft looking and her hair was still thick and a little wild. “But you look like you shrank.”

  She stepped back and pretended to hit my arm. “I’ve grown like five inches since you’ve been gone. I didn’t know you were going to totally Hulk out. How was the foster home?”

  “It was good. I wrote to you for a long time. Never heard back, so I wasn’t sure.”

  “You what? You wrote? What the hell?” She backed up and started pacing. “Fucking Bic. He has the key to the mailbox, and I bet he…” She kicked the table leg in anger and then hopped around holding her foot.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I would’ve written back. Hell, I would’ve come to visit had I known your address. They wouldn’t tell me to save my life.” She tested out walking on her foot and she could do it. “I wonder if he saved them.”

  “It doesn’t matter now. I can tell you what was in them, all of them. I missed you. I was worried about you.” I was with Pixie Rae. I had thought of her every night, saying a little prayer in my head that she was okay.

  “Well, you saw my letters. I’m sorry about that. I know they were rough. It was my therapy.” She twisted her fingers together. “What you must think…”

  “I think you’re a survivor that’s brave as hell. And I’m in pain because I wished I had been here.” That’s all I had. Straight from my heart.

  “Thanks for that.” She untwisted her fingers and stuck them into the pockets of my jacket. I winced when I thought of what could be in there. She pulled out a sticky note and then held it out to me. “Ashlin’s phone number?”

  I took the paper from her and glanced at it. Ashlin must have stuck it in my pocket at some point in the last two days. It had a little heart on it as well.

  I crumpled it up. “She’s an asshole.”

  “Yes. Yes, she is.” Pixie took a deep breath. “Mrs. Jonas is going to come back soon. We should probably get out of here.”

  “Yeah. Let’s get your stuff, and maybe you can come live with me.” I shrugged, the words tumbling out of my mouth without a thought.

  “And your dad?” She seemed bewildered.

  “He’s my bitch now. He won’t do anything to us.” I smiled, but I knew only rage was really in my eyes.

  “Okay, well, let’s see
how that goes. I’d love to be away from Bic. I only have a few months left anyway. He told me he was kicking me out when I turned eighteen.” She tucked in her chair and then mine before heading to the front door.

  “I hate him.” I felt the low growl building in my throat.

  “Get in line, ’cause I want him dead.”

  Pixie locked the door from the key around her neck and then we took the stairs. We didn’t get far because there was an officer at the front door.

  Chapter 45

  Pixie

  OFFICER SAM WAS at my door. Well, he was a detective now, so he had on a suit, but his badge was on full display. Dreama was regaling him with a tale that had a lot of hand motions and cursing. She teetered on her high heels. It occured to me that she might be drunk. As Gaze and I stepped into the hallway, Sam held up his finger to stop me from moving and then used it to beckon me closer.

  “Let’s bolt,” Gaze whispered in my ear. I knew we had a lot to discuss, but having him as my partner in sneaking around made me nostalgic and happy.

  “It’s cool. I know this one.” I held out my hand to Gaze and he took it and squeezed gently.

  As we approached, we heard the tail end of Dreama’s story, her attention totally focused on Sam. “And then that girl, I swear she’s evil, she took off with the robber and I think he got like two grand out of Bic’s pockets, and it’s all horrible and scary, and I think he tried to kill Bic and he will be back for me.” Her wild, huge blue eyes rolled toward Gaze and me. “Oh, shit. He’s back for me. Get him!”

  I let go of Gaze’s hand so I could hug Sam. He hugged me back.

  “Hey, feisty. What’s going on here?” He held out a hand to Gaze who shook it, but his face was slightly bewildered.

  “This is Gaze. He’s hard to see in there because he’s a giant now.”

  “Wow. They feed you Miracle Grow at that foster home?”

  Sam stuck out his hand for a shake and Gaze seemed leery but gave in to the gesture.

  Dreama was furious at our lack of attention to her. I could see into the apartment and Bic was sitting on the couch with tampons up each nostril. He had a bag of peas on his cheek.