WITH THIS LIE: A NOVEL

by Savage, Kat

  I can only avoid her for so long. Her birthday is soon and preparations for it are well underway. Things are in motion. I have to make it good, really good. Charlotte was definitely right about one thing. Dani does deserve a great birthday for once in her life. I can give her that. If for no other reason than I have to bail anyway, I will do that for her. Hopefully, in some small way, she can remember that instead of what will follow.

  I lied to Dani about working today in order to stay at home and plan. Plus, I’m not quite sure I can face her just yet. I’m still on the fence about seeing her later. I worry how my being suddenly less available is looking to her and making her feel but I can’t help it. I don’t exactly want the next time I saw her to be her birthday party either so I know I have to see her soon.

  I make a series of calls to the venue about food and drinks and reserving their entire back room for plenty of space and more privacy than just being in the general population. For an additional fee, they also take care of some light decorating. What is a birthday party without balloons and confetti after all? Given the importance of the event, I chose rose gold. I figured I couldn’t go wrong with such a fancy color. I know if Dani had it her way, everything would be black, but I just couldn’t let that happen this time.

  She gave me a small list of people she invited including some present and former coworkers and a neighbor named Robert. When I called him to confirm, he sounded old which threw me off guard but it’s her party and her list so he’s going to be there. She asked me to ask everyone not to bring her birthday presents but I completely ignored that request and everyone I spoke to agreed as well. I’m not sure how I’d feel about a birthday party with no gifts. I don’t think I would be doing her justice. Amidst my planning, my phone buzzes.

  Dani: How’s work?

  Me: Not bad, just trucking along.

  Dani: Is it going to be a long day?

  Me: Probably not too bad actually.

  I knew she was poking to see if I would be coming over later. I’m just not sure what to say yet.

  Dani: Well that’s good. Any plans later?

  There it is. I stare at my phone for a few seconds and think about it.

  Me: No, I can come over later if you want.

  Dani: That sounds good.

  Me: Okay. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way.

  Dani: Great.

  I turn my thoughts back to planning and check my list. I’m fairly certain I’m not forgetting anything. I ordered a cake from the bakery just two shops down from the venue so I’d just have to pick it up and deliver it beforehand. There’s really nothing else left to do.

  I have a few hours to kill before I go over to Dani’s and I have no idea what to do with them. Other than to agonize over what my gift to her would be. I haven’t figured it out yet and it’s been driving me crazy. I thought for sure I would be able to come up with an idea pretty easily but everything that has popped into my mind didn’t feel good enough. Given her interest in music, I considered concert tickets but backed out of the idea after speaking to her mom. I couldn’t exactly only get her one ticket and if I got tickets for both of us, I would have to go with her and who knows when that would be? Maybe it would be too much at that point. Too much time, too much invested. I have to keep thinking but I’m running out of time.

  I shift my focus again on going to see Dani. I check the time and decide to mix it up tonight. Instead of driving over there, it might be nice to clear my head on a walk. After all, she isn’t even really that far if I cut through the park like before. I pack a backpack with what I need and put on more suitable walking attire. Maybe a brisk walk in the evening air would help me. I text her to let her know I’m on my way and she tells me she’s ordering in food which is perfect because I’m getting hungry.

  I lock my door and head out, making the familiar turns. I see the park ahead and have a strange thought. I have to get there before I can do anything about it. I walk into the park and find a bench toward the center. The park is long and trails go all over it. I hope this will work or it won’t be nearly as romantic. I take out my phone and send Dani my location.

  Me: Put on your walking shoes and come find me.

  Dani: Really? Haha, okay see you soon.

  I sit on the bench scrolling through Dani’s playlist she’d given me weeks ago and listen to my favorite picks over again. Maybe I can sit here with her for a while and listen to this song we kissed to. Maybe I can look her in the eyes and tell her what I’ve done, the lie I’ve told. Maybe. I’ve never managed to do it before but Dani’s different and she’ll surely walk away from me once she hears it but for some reason the truth is the only thing I’ve wanted to tell her since I met her.

  I look around the park. The crowds have thinned and only a few remain. A couple is sitting a way’s down the path to the left of me on another bench. If I had to guess, I’d bet it was early. Only a few dates in. They are flirtatious but still nervous. The way so many of us are when we’re wondering what this is and if it will stick and where it’s going. We don’t want to say the wrong thing and we don’t want to misstep. We’re full of hope or fear all at once. Especially when we really like the other person. New feelings can be paralyzing and freeing all at once.

  “Hey you.”

  Dani’s voice interrupts my thoughts and I shake them from my mind, turning my attention to her. I look up and smile. She approaches me and leans over to kiss me. I pull her in for a split second and have her sit next to me.

  “I’m just doing some people watching. What do you think of them?” I ask her, pointing to the couple I had been examining. I watch her bite her bottom lip a little and tilt her head to the right. Her deep thought face is adorable. Everything about her is adorable.

  “Well, I’d say it’s early but not too early. Not first date but not twentieth either,” she says, sitting back against my arm. She looks up at my face, waiting for my opinion.

  “That was my assessment as well,” I say, smiling.

  “Okay, let me pick one now,” she says, rubbing her hands together. She scans the few other people in the park, looking for the perfect subjects for such an experiment. “Her. What about her?”

  My eyes meet the woman hers are fixed on. She’s sitting alone with a book in her hand. I can’t tell what book it is from here and I don’t see a ring on her hand or a sign of a spouse. “Definitely single. She’s lonely. She reads to get away. In the park so she can watch other people. Maybe on some days so she doesn’t feel so alone. Maybe on others so she can watch them and envy what they have,” I say.

  “Well that’s depressing,” she says, laughing. “But I don’t think you’re right.”

  “Well, then you tell me,” I say, challenging her to perk up the situation.

  She turns her eyes back to the woman reading on the patch of grass a little way’s away. She studies her for a few silent moments. “I think you’re right about her being single but I think you’re wrong about how she feels about it. I think she wants it that way. At least for now.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because I know what that’s like. Because I just get it,” she says.

  I’m not sure how to respond now. I wonder if this is her way of telling her me she likes her life the way it is, that she doesn’t want me to mess it up. I wonder if this is her way of holding up a caution sign without actually having to say anything about us at all. Perhaps the truth isn’t what she wants after all.

  “You feel like taking a little walk before we go back to your place?” I ask.

  “Sure,” she says, smiling.

  “Good.” I smile back. I take her by the hand and lead her down the path away from her place.

  “I have a song for you,” she says.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. Here, put this in your ear.” She hands me one of her ear buds and slips the other one into her ear so we can share the song.

  I watch her scroll through her songs and stop on “Looking for Knives” b
y DYAN. She pushes play and looks up at me. It’s soft, mellow. The lyrics though. The lyrics are undeniably amazing. This may be the best song she’s had me listen to. The more I listen, the more I realize this song could have been written for us. What I went looking for versus what I was given. I look down at her and smile. Wait. Is she trying to tell me something with this? Is this how she feels? Shit.

  Perhaps I would do this with everything now. Read too much into everything that happens between us and never know what she’s thinking. Great. That’s exactly what I need right now.

  I take the turn out of the park toward my apartment and watch her look around, curiosity in her wondering eyes. I stop a little short of my place but make sure it is clearly visible. I pull the ear buds out and point at my building.

  “Dani, do you see that place right there? White building, blue door?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  “That’s where I live,” I say.

  Her face looks up at mine.

  “I just…I just want you to know. In case you ever need to find me,” I say.

  “Why would I need to find you there?” she asks.

  “You never know,” I say. I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m not sure what she would even do with this information.

  “Okay, Lucas. I’ll know where to find you,” she says, squeezing my hand in hers and smiling.

  We turn back toward the park and put the ear buds back in. She scrolls through to find us another song. She picks “Broken” by lovelytheband and we both laugh. We take the winding paths through the park and walk down the street to her door where a delivery guy is standing. We may have forgotten about the food but it seems we aren’t all too late to receive it. We bring it upstairs with us and sit it on the counter. I take my bag into her bedroom and come back out to eat.

  “Lucas?” she says.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think if we were normal, we would have dated?”

  “If we were normal?” I twist my face.

  “You know what I mean,” she says.

  I consider it for a moment. I know what she means. She means normal circumstances. She means if she was just a girl and I was just a boy and we had maybe just seen each other across a coffee shop. She means if we weren’t such fucked up people with skewed views of love and commitment and marriage.

  “Honestly?” I say.

  “Of course,” she says.

  I hold my breath for a moment. “I think we could have been great,” I say.

  She presses her lips together, tilts her head a bit, and nods. In agreement or acknowledgment, I don’t know. We are both quiet after that. We settle into eating the way we have so many times before and for a little while I let myself pretend we are normal. I let myself pretend there is no lie and no truth to keep or tell. I sit and eat and for these minutes, we are a real couple. I smile at her and she smiles back.

  That’s what I’ll do tonight. Pretend we are something we’re not. Pretend we are everything I’ve been running from.

  26

  Dani

  I sit across from him taking bites of takeout I barely want now. My body is hungry but my mind is distracted. Tonight has been strange. Not in a bad way. Not in a good way. Maybe bittersweet is the right word. I still don’t understand why he showed me where he lives but it seemed special. Like maybe he didn’t let everyone in my position see it. That’s what I want to believe anyway.

  “Do you want to take a shower after this?” I ask, breaking the silence.

  “That sounds really good actually. A long one, if that’s all right,” he says.

  He takes another bite and he seems distracted too but I don’t ask. I’m afraid of what the answer would be. I can’t help but wonder if the guilt of our situation is getting to him. Wouldn’t it for some? I wouldn’t know. Though sometimes I do have a little guilt on my end. Perhaps some men are capable of it too then. Not all, but some. Not even most, but maybe a few. I think Lucas could be one of them. It’s only a matter of time really. Until he leaves. I know this.

  I watch him push his plate away after a few more bites and rest his chin on his palm while he stares in my direction. This is his not-so-subtle way of telling me to hurry up. I giggle at his expressions and take one last bite before pushing my plate away. I stand slowly and he does the same. I walk the few paces between us and his arms find my waist. I reach up around his neck and run my fingers through the short hair on the back of his neck. He leans down and kisses me gently on my lips. We walk to the bathroom together and I pull his shirt over his head. He returns the favor and then I remove his pants. And we go on like this, back and forth, until we are both completely naked. We stand there looking at each other, soaking it in the way we usually do. Bath time has become somewhat of a ritual between us. I lean over to start the water.

  “I know we said a shower but can we start with a bath? Bubbles too?” Lucas asks.

  I nod and plug the drain. I add bath salts, bubble bath, and a bomb. My mother called this “the bath time trifecta”.

  “I see you’ve come around to liking baths,” I say.

  “I mean they’re pretty good. The wet naked lady helps too,” he says.

  When the water is halfway up the side we step in, facing each other, and we sit down. He puts his legs on either side of me and I put my legs over his thighs. This is how we fit, perfectly snug. We lean back and relax our bodies into the water filling around us. Lucas takes my foot in his hands and begins rubbing the sole.

  I let out an audible moan. “That feels amazing,” I say. I shut my eyes and even with them closed, I know he’s watching my face rather than what his hands are doing. I don’t know why he does this. Perhaps he’s watching to see if I have any physical responses or a change in expression. Perhaps he likes the way my face looks in that moment, totally relaxed. Knowing him, it’s a bit of both.

  “I know you said you didn’t want a birthday present but you know I’m getting you something right?” Lucas says.

  My eyes shoot open. “No,” I say.

  “Yes.”

  “But, no,” I respond.

  “But, yes,” he says back.

  “I’m not going to win, am I?” I ask.

  “What kind of person would I be if I was trying to throw you the best birthday and there was no gift?” he asks.

  He has a point. I’m not sure my mother would side with me on this either. “Fine, okay. Just please don’t spend a lot,” I plead.

  “I will spend what I need to,” he says.

  “That sounds unusually cryptic,” I say, grimacing.

  “It was meant to.”

  I roll my eyes. I can’t win this. I know I can’t and so I shrug my shoulders and lean back into the tub again. “Fine. Just keep rubbing.”

  “Rude,” he says.

  “I respectfully disagree,” I say, teasing.

  He grabs the other foot and starts rubbing deep into the center. I arch my foot in response and think I could die happy right here in this moment.

  “You’re lucky you’re cute,” he says.

  “You’re lucky I’m cute too,” I say with a laugh.

  “Someone is in a mood,” he says.

  “I can’t help myself sometimes. I’m just so good.” I lean up and pull my foot from his hands. I shift my body weight and straddle him. I put my arms around his neck and smile down at him.

  “That you are,” he says.

  He pulls me down closer and pushes the hair from my face. He tucks strands behind my ears and stops. He pauses for a long moment, just staring into my eyes and I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until he kisses my mouth and I begin to breathe again. He puts his arms around me and kisses me deeper. I’m almost certain I could never tire of kissing him.

  I pull back from his lips and our breathing is heavy, our eyelids the same. I can never tell what he’s thinking in these moments but I want to know.

  “What are you thinking right now?” I ask.

  He rubs his bottom li
p with his thumb.

  I sit up a little, putting more space between us.

  “I’m thinking sad things. I’m thinking I should tell you something,” he says.

  “What kind of sad things?” I ask. I can see hesitation in his mannerisms.

  “I’m thinking I will miss these lips when they’re gone,” he says, brushing his fingers over my lips as he says it. “I’m thinking I will miss these kisses, the touch of your skin, your warmth. I’m thinking one day they will go. I’m thinking one day I will no longer get to do this with you and it will make me sad.”

  I don’t know what to say. His words render me speechless and that doesn’t happen often. I would miss him too. “Will the thing you think you should tell me make me more sad?” I ask.

  He shifts under me. “I think it could,” he admits.

  “Then don’t tell me,” I say. “I don’t want to know. Not tonight.”

  He nods his head slowly. “Can we shower now?” he asks.

  I nod back. We stand and I start the shower as I let the drain out to empty the bath. We wash and rinse mostly in silence. We turn to lighter bits of conversation as to not completely drown the evening in sorrow. We get out and dry off, then wrap the towels around us. We never put clothes on after. We simply walk to my bed and take the towel back off. I’m not even sure why we bothered wearing the towels the short distance we did except to soak up any extra moisture on our bodies.

  I sit on the edge of the bed and let my towel fall in a c-shape around me. I lie back across my bed and Lucas does the same right next to me. He reaches for my hand and we lie here for a little while, staring up at the ceiling in silence. It’s not awkward though. When silence falls over us it tends to be very comfortable and peaceful. This moment is no different. Our fingers are laced together and his thumb is drawing small circles on the back of mine. I like these moments most about us. These quiet, less obvious moments when we seem to be really connected, even without words or motion.

  I feel Lucas shift onto his side and prop himself on his elbow to face me. He lets go of my hand and uses his index finger to trace over my lips. When he finishes, he traces over my chin and down my throat. He traces a line between my breasts and down to my belly button. He traces back up over my left breast and then my right. I know he likes doing this for the way it makes me squirm and arch. My reaction is half the fun for him. I keep my eyes closed while he does this. He traces over my collarbones, down my arms, over my hip bones. He touches everywhere except the place my body begins to crave.