WITH THIS LIE: A NOVEL

by Savage, Kat

  She laughs. “I doubt it. I mean she knows you’re married so I don’t know why she would approach you like that. She’s never met anyone I’ve ever dated or seen. Maybe she’s just having a moment of wanting to be really motherly. I’m not sure.”

  “Well, I’ll try my best to impress,” I say.

  “Just be yourself,” she says, smiling at me.

  She weaves her fingers into mine and settles back into her seat as we settle into the drive. We fill the time with bits of conversation, spans of comfortable silence, and of course only the best curated music until we arrive at the gates of the prison. We park and get out.

  “Leave your stuff here. Just take your license. It’s easier,” she says.

  I take my ID out and leave my wallet in the car with my keys and phone. She takes hers out and leaves her purse and phone behind. I walk around the car to her and she takes my hand.

  “You ready?” I ask her.

  She nods her head. “Are you?”

  “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” I say, smiling at her.

  We walk to the gate and make our way through checking in and presenting our licenses. Dani shows me the way and goes first through the whole process. We get to the end leading into the courtyard and she stops for a moment. She takes me by the hand again and squeezes it. She lets go just as quickly and walks to a woman in the back-right corner. For whatever reason, her mother isn’t at all what I expected.

  Her mother, Charlotte, is a small woman. Her slender shoulders and narrow hips do not paint her as a murderer, or a prostitute for that matter. In my mind, she was shapelier, more voluptuous. Her long graying hair is neatly braided and pulled to the side. Her eyes are as striking as her daughter’s. Even with just this first meeting, she carries herself with an air of sophistication. I wonder to myself how a woman like her became a prostitute to begin with. Survival, I suppose.

  “Mom, this is Lucas. Lucas, this is my mom, Charlotte,” Dani says, smiling and glancing first to her mother and then to me.

  “Ma’am, it’s so nice to meet you,” I say. “Dani has told me some lovely things about you.”

  Charlotte looks at me and squints a little, taking my hand in hers to shake. “Hello, Lucas. Dani has told me many things about you as well,” she says.

  Her reply isn’t quite as warm as I expect, her tone flat and level. I’m caught off guard. Dani shifts. Perhaps she is too. We all sit; Dani and I on one side, Charlotte on the other.

  “How has your week been, Mom?” Dani asks, shifting the conversation.

  “Same as always. I can’t complain,” Charlotte says. Her eyes keep shifting to me as if she’s searching me for something I don’t think I have. Then she looks back at Dani. “How about you, princess?” she asks her.

  “It’s been okay, except someone tried to break into my apartment, I think,” Dani says.

  Her mother shoots a look in her direction, taking her eyes from me completely. “What happened?” she asks Dani, alarmed.

  “I’m okay,” Dani says. “Lucas showed up right after and I haven’t really noticed anything else.”

  Charlotte looks at me again then back at her daughter. “Well, just be careful,” she says to Dani.

  “You know I am,” Dani says.

  Up to this point, I’ve just been quiet, not wanting to interrupt their moment, but Charlotte shifts her entire body in my direction and I know it’s coming.

  “So, Lucas. Dani tells me you’re married. Don’t worry, I’m not going to drill you about it. I understand the dynamic. But I have just one question,” she says to me.

  “Okay,” I say, hesitantly.

  “How many Danis have there been?” Charlotte asks me.

  “Mom!” Dani says. “Lucas, you don’t have to answer that.”

  “No, it’s okay, I can appreciate the question.” I pause for a moment, collecting my thoughts. “The truth is a bit more complicated. But the honest answer is a few and none. And I know what you’re thinking. But what I mean is, yes, I’ve seen other women, but none like Dani,” I say.

  Charlotte squints at me again and her expression is stone cold. She turns to Dani. “Dani, my love, can you give us just a moment? I need to speak with him alone. About your birthday too,” Charlotte says.

  Dani hesitates for a few moments. I grab her hand beneath the table and squeeze it. I smile at her. She gets up and walks to the entrance of the courtyard.

  “Listen, Lucas. You seem like a very nice man but I’m just a little confused. You and I both know a married man would never be meeting the mother of a woman he’s seeing on the side. Let alone making a forty-five-minute drive north to meet one in prison. Come on, what gives?” she asks. She pulls no punches. Just like her daughter.

  “I mean, I don’t really know what to say, I just like her.” I offer. I think I’m starting to sweat. My tongue feels thick and everything is sticky. She’s staring at me and she’s calling me out and I feel like the collar of my shirt is rapidly tightening.

  “Married men don’t leave their wives, Lucas. So you’re either stringing Dani along or you’re entertaining an idea you’re never going to have the guts to go through with, but either way my Dani gets hurt and I can’t allow that.” She crosses her arms on the table in front of her and shifts her weight forward. Somehow it feels like she’s towering over me despite being smaller than me in every way.

  “Well, it’s a little more complicated than that, ma’am, I um…”

  She cuts me off. “Don’t call me ma’am. I’m Charlotte. And you’re not good for my daughter. Now I don’t know what’s happened but for whatever reason she seems to have fallen for you. She doesn’t do that, which makes it even worse. Because you’re going to leave.”

  “Look, I mean no disrespect, but you don’t know my intentions,” I say.

  “Oh yeah? Look, I know this game. Let me tell you a little story, Lucas. My first John was a married man. I fell in love with him despite the warnings I received. I fell hard. He said he loved me too. He said he was going to leave his wife for me. And you know what happened? I got pregnant with Dani. And guess what? I never heard from him again. So don’t tell me about intentions. Don’t tell me about what men plan to do and what married men want. Because you all want the same thing. You want to have your cake and eat it too,” she says. She sits back and smiles, I assume for Dani’s sake.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I say.

  “You don’t have to say anything. Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to give my baby girl a birthday to remember because she’s never had one. You’re going to make it the very best you can because I can’t. And she deserves it. And you’ll go on for a time and then you’ll end it because it’s what you planned on doing anyway. But do it sooner rather than later, Lucas. For her sake. Don’t let her fall too much further. Don’t make healing be any harder than it already will be,” she says.

  I nod my head because I don’t know what else to do. Charlotte straightens up and I feel Dani’s hand on my shoulder. I put a smile on quickly and shift my body language to try to feel more positive.

  We finish our visit and Dani hugs her mother. I shake Charlotte’s hand again and she squeezes it—a reminder of the private conversation we’d just had. Dani and I walk back to the car in silence, holding hands. She has her head on my shoulder and I can tell she’s a little bit sad to be leaving her mother. We reach the car and get in.

  “Well?” she asks.

  “Well what?” I ask.

  “What did she want to talk to you about?”

  “Oh she was just being motherly. Just intentions and your birthday. You know,” I lie.

  Dani looks and me and tilts her head. I try smiling to ease her worry, but she looks like she can see through me.

  “I don’t believe you,” she says.

  “Really, it was nothing, I promise,” I say. I reach over and kiss her lips then turn and start the car. I back out and we start our drive back to the city.

  There are m
ore patches of silence on the ride back. Both of us are in our separate clouds of thoughts for most of the drive. I steal glances of Dani staring out the window and I leave her alone to think about her mother. I know what it must be like to miss her the way she does.

  And I’m left alone to think about Charlotte’s words.

  In so many ways, she’s right. I’m not good for Dani. Or good enough for that matter. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for lying to her. I hate myself for this lie. What have I done?

  I look over at Dani again and realize all I had ever wanted to do was make her happy, see her laugh. I think of the first time I heard her laugh. I think about how I told myself I’d do anything to hear it again. How I wanted to be the source of it. Now, I have to come to terms with the fact that I would be the source of her pain. I was going to make her hurt. How would I live with myself after such a thing?

  Maybe her mother is right. Maybe sooner would be better. Maybe it would be easier in some ways. Maybe it would hurt a little less.

  We pull up in front of Dani’s apartment and I put the car in park.

  She turns to look at me. “I’m sorry,” she says.

  I shake my head. “What for?”

  “For my mother. For what she said, how she acted,” she says.

  “Don’t worry about it. She’s just being a mom,” I offer.

  She nods and opens the car door.

  I get out and come around to the sidewalk. I put my arms around her and she leans into my chest, wrapping her arms around me.

  “Are you staying tonight?” she asks.

  Her question sounds like a plea. I can feel how badly she wants me to. I hesitate for a moment, not sure if I should anymore. Or ever again. But the rest of my week leading up to her birthday was going to be pretty busy so maybe I should tonight. It might be the only chance I get to this week.

  “I can tonight. The rest of the week I may not be able to,” I warn.

  She nods, understanding.

  I take her hand and we walk to her door together. We get into her apartment and I am filled with the urge to have her again one last time in case it is the last time. In case I never get to touch her like this again.

  I make love to her. I could call it something else but it would be a lie. I take my time with her. I kiss every inch of her skin. I savor every noise from her mouth. I want her to remember this. I want her to remember me. I will miss her.

  24

  Dani

  After Lucas leaves, I clean my apartment and get ready for work. I’m working a double shift today to cover for someone and have to go in extra early. I lock my apartment and head downstairs. I walk in and wave to Quinn.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  I look around. “Yeah, why?” I ask.

  “Well, you’re not late, for one,” she says.

  I laugh and shake my head. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just Lucas on the brain,” I admit.

  I’d filled Quinn in every chance I got and she could tell I was smitten. That’s what she called it. She enjoyed teasing me. Since I was early I stepped to the back and texted Lucas.

  Me: Just got to work and already dreading the day. I’ll be thinking of you.

  I wait a few minutes but don’t get a text back before I have to put my phone away and start my shift. It wasn’t like him. He’s usually pretty quick to respond. He’s probably just busy, I tell myself. I tie my apron around my waist and get busy behind the bar with the lunch rush. I’m always surprised at how many people actually indulge in alcohol with their lunch. But I’m not complaining. They keep me busy.

  “So, what’s the plan for your birthday?” Quinn asks.

  “Well, I think it’s going to be at this place a few blocks over that Lucas picked. He says it’s really fun,” I reply.

  “Can I bring the guy I’m seeing?” Quinn asks.

  “Of course!” I say.

  Quinn’s been seeing the same guy for a while now, which is a relief. After a string of duds, this one finally seems to be worth keeping around. I’m happy for her.

  The shift begins to slow down after lunch and before dinner so we take turns taking our breaks. Quinn comes back and I step outside to check my phone. Still no response from Lucas.

  Me: Everything okay?

  Lucas: Yeah, just really busy. Hope your night is going okay.

  Me: It could be better.

  I wait for more but get nothing. He’s unusually quiet today and it worries me. Maybe whatever my mother had said to him is bothering him. I couldn’t be sure. Maybe he really is busy with work. Just then, a rustling interrupts my thoughts and my eyes dart across the alleyway to the dumpsters. The lights above them went out months ago and have yet to be replaced so they’re hard to see. I wait for more movement but hear nothing else. I squint to try to see more but I can barely make out the edges of the dumpsters themselves.

  Me: Well, my break is over. Gotta get back in there.

  Lucas: All right. Don’t work too hard.

  His words are short and nothing like the warm and flirty Lucas I’m used to. I try to brush it off, to not let it bother me too much but I can’t help it. I come back in to the very beginning of the dinner hour starting and see a few familiar faces. Part of me can’t help but hope that maybe Lucas will show up and surprise me. Maybe he’ll apologize for his shortness or offer some sort of explanation later. He did mention he wouldn’t be able to stay the night this week though so I doubt he’ll be showing up. My mind begins running wild with thoughts. Thoughts I don’t particularly care for. It wasn’t enough that I had actually fallen for a married man, something I thought I would never do. But now, he might actually be starting to push me away and while I should have expected that, I just didn’t see it coming. And with my birthday coming up? I just didn’t see that from Lucas. He wouldn’t do that. There’s definitely an explanation for this. I’m sure of it.

  I finish up the dinner rush and take another break out back. This time one of the dishwashers is out there too.

  Me: This day is almost over! How about yours?

  Lucas: Finishing up too.

  I hesitate and then take a chance on calling him. It rings twice and then he picks up.

  “Hey you,” he says. He sounds a bit more like himself.

  And I exhale, realizing I had been holding my breath. “Hey, how are you?” I ask.

  “So tired, honestly. I had a long day at work. Plus, finalizing some birthday things, of course. I’m going to send you the name of the place and time of the party for you to pass on to the people you want to invite. Sound good?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine.” I say.

  “Oh and I invited my brother,” he says. “He will probably bring his wife. I hope that’s okay?”

  “Yeah, totally,” I reply. The line is silent for a moment.

  “Okay, well I better go. I’m almost home,” he says.

  “Right, okay. Talk to you later,” I say.

  “Bye you,” he says.

  “Bye,” I say. I hang up the phone and for the first time since we’ve been seeing each other, I feel like the other woman. For the first time, possibly ever, I feel ashamed about what I’m doing, about who I am. In his tone, in his words, he’s somehow managed to make me feel bad. I don’t have another word for it. I feel bad. I feel small.

  I put my phone away and go back in to clean up. I make the short walk home and upstairs and given what’s happened, I don’t take my time. I get into my apartment and lock the door behind me quickly. I’m not sure what I would do if something like what happened before happened again. I don’t think I could count on Lucas. I don’t think I could manage to call the police. Maybe I could call Robert downstairs. He’s so old though, what would he do?

  I shake the thoughts from my head and walk to my closet to change my clothes. I kick off my boots and peel out of my work clothes. I throw on an oversized t-shirt and stand in front of my closet for a moment, holding the door open. I stare into the back of it and let my mind wander the way it does to
moments when that was the safest place I could recall. I take a step forward. I see flashes in my mind. Me as a little girl. My mother’s nightgown. I take another step into my closet. I pull a blanket from the top shelf. I see a small pink flashlight in my mind. I hear men’s voices. I can smell my mother’s perfume. Her cigarettes. I see blue lights. I sit and close the door. I wrap myself in the blanket and I can feel the rush of tears coming. I try with all I have to hold them back but there’s no escaping them. I am crying without understanding what brought it on.

  I think of Lucas but that doesn’t halt the tears. I let myself feel everything I have been avoiding. I let myself drown in my emotions. Up to this point, I had only scratched the surface. I had merely entertained a fraction of what he made me feel. He opened me up. I was exposed now. And because of that, I knew he had the power to wound me. I knew I had given him the weapons to destroy me. And what’s worse, I knew he would. It was only a matter of when, not if. This was the way it was meant to be after all. This was the only outcome there could be. It’s been written since the beginning.

  I fall asleep on the floor of my closet. I wish I could say it was the first time. Tears dry down my cheeks. In so many ways, this is more comfortable and feels safer than my own bed. My own brokenness is not lost on me. What sort of person feels safest hulled up on the floor of her closet? What sort of woman only fucking dates married men? The broken kind. The kind with no past to speak of. The kind with no future to want.

  25

  Lucas

  I feel like a complete ass for lying to Dani. I mean the big lie was one thing but now the smaller lie of avoiding seeing her because I think I’m having an existential crisis. Her mother’s words to me are all I can think about. Make no mistake about it, Dani is smart and she came from smart stock. Maybe she’s right. What is the end of this? Come clean with Dani and expose myself as possibly the biggest fraud she’s ever known or leave her? Either way I lose her. The question is, which does less damage in the long run? What makes it easier for Dani to move on?