Exposure

by Kolleen Fraser

  “Better than okay.” He pulls back, looking at me. A slow smile creeps in and he kisses my forehead, my nose, then my lips again.

  I bet he's kissed a lot of girls, slept with a lot of girls. My stomach clenches at the thought; I’m in way over my head with him.

  “Hey... what's wrong?”

  “I’ve never done this, I'm not any good at any of this, I feel like a child.”

  “There is nothing to get wrong here. I like you, a lot. Do you like me?”

  “A lot,” I say, nodding and smiling.

  “Well then, the hard part’s over.” Taking my hand, he kisses the back of it and we settle into the living room with Marco and Elise and easy conversation.

  After an hour or so, the guys announce they need to get to work, which is at Marco’s uncle’s tattoo parlor. They’re newbies and must pay their dues before becoming artists themselves, whatever that means. They have these dreams of how they want their lives to work out. I’ve never given my future much thought, to be honest. I always figured I’d either end up a junkie like Erica, or dead. Never crossed my mind that I’d make it out of there alive, so to be honest, I’ve never given my future a second thought. But now, now I see a bright future stretching out before me. With so many possibilities, so many dreams to be dreamt.

  Elise and I spend the day wandering through the neighborhood shops, holding baby outfits against her tiny baby bump. Debating baby names ideas. I, of course, take as many pictures of her as possible.

  Another perfect day.

  This becomes the new norm for our group. Either we are all at my apartment or theirs. Just hanging out. Noah and I are taking it slow; epically slow. A few kisses here and there, and hand holding, but I know he’s careful not to push me any further. And for now, I'm grateful. These three people have quickly become so important to me, I'm terrified they will be taken away. Life has a way of kicking you just when you think everything is going to be all right.

  Matty is getting better, he’s nice to Elise whenever she’s around, but he still is on edge when the guys are over. I know he worries about me, but I wish he'd see I'm not so weak anymore. He knows Noah and I are together but leaves us be for the most part. He knows sex isn't something I will ever rush into. After a month with Noah, I'm still not there yet.

  Elise and I are sitting in the park having tea. My sleeve slips up my arm and when she catches a glimpse of the tiny scars lining my forearm she gasps. After years of cutting it's a railroad track of thin lines from the inside of my left elbow to my wrist. Most are quite faint and can't easily be seen, but a few are deeper and stand out in harsh red lines.

  “What have you done to yourself?” she asks, grabbing my arm and pushing the sleeve up. I try to pull away, but she holds it firm. “Oh, Lexi, please say you aren't still doing this to yourself.” She looks at me with tears in her eyes. My own tears flood down my cheeks as I look down at my arm.

  “It's not as bad as it looks. I've gotten a lot better lately,” I stammer, trying to reassure her.

  “Why do you do it?”

  “At first, I think I did it because I felt so angry and helpless. Sometimes my head gets so loud I can't breathe. This quiets everything, it calms me when I can't get my mom out of my head.”

  “Don't give her power, Lexi. What you are doing to yourself, it gives her control over you. You need to stop; please tell me you’ll stop.”

  “I'm trying, Elise, I promise I am.” It’s the truth. I've only slipped once since Jax’s house.

  She pulls me into a hug. We both are wiping at our cheeks when Noah walks over.

  “What's wrong?” He looks so concerned. I shake my head, tugging on my sleeves.

  “Nothing, just girl stuff,” I reply, looking at Elise. She looks sad. She pats my arm and then my cheek before standing up. Her once-little baby bump seems to have ballooned into a very large baby bump almost overnight, turning her walk into a bit of a waddle. She looks radiant pregnant. I take her picture constantly. She photographs beautifully, it’s like her soul radiates through the lens. Her child is going to be so lucky to have a mom like her.

  “Where are your thoughts running today?” Noah asks, tapping my nose. I smile up at him. I stand and wrap my arms around his waist and nuzzle into his chest.

  “I was thinking what my life would have been like if I had a mother like Elise.”

  He kisses the top of my head and rubs my back. Not feeding me sweet empty words but comforting me nonetheless.

  “Stay the night with me tomorrow?” he asks. My body goes rigid, I don't know what to say. He pulls me back, he can see the panic in my eyes. “Hey, I'm not expecting anything to happen. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up with you in my arms.” He leans down and kisses me. I melt into him as I always do.

  “Okay.”

  His eyes sparkle when he smiles. “Really?” Looking unsure, I nod and smile. The thought of curling up in his arms sends a shiver over my body. One that he notices.

  “I know, I’m irresistible, try to keep it in your pants though.”

  I shake my head. “You’re trouble, Noah King, sexy stranger in the dark.”

  “It's a good thing you love trouble then,” he says, dipping me into a kiss. I hold on for dear life at first, overwhelmed by this all-consuming feeling taking over me.

  “I do, you know... love you,” I admit, gazing into his deep dark eyes. I've never said that to anyone before. I feel like I just handed him a knife and exposed my jugular. He just stands there not saying anything.

  “Crap, I'm sorry, that was weird, I shouldn't have said that, it was a nice moment and I ruined it, ignore me,” I say, backpedaling, pulling his hands off me so he doesn't see me crying. I'm so stupid, of course he doesn't love me, I'm such a fucking loser. I grab my camera, ramming it in my bag. I want to disappear, I want to run away before I break down completely.

  “Stop. Lexi,” he says, touching my shoulder, but I step away so his hand falls. I duck my head, so he can't see my face.

  “Whatever, it's fine, I get it. Matty’s waiting on me.” I shoulder my bag and turn my back to him as the tears start to fall.

  “Jesus, Lexi, just fucking STOP!” He grabs my shoulders, spinning me around. “Stop running away and look at me.” He pulls at my chin, tipping my head enough that he can see I'm crying.

  “Please... I'd rather you say nothing at all than tell me you don't love me. Just let me go.” I clench my eyes shut, willing the tears to stop.

  “I love you, Lexi, of course I love you,” he confesses, looking at me like I might break.

  “You do?” I whisper. He nods as he brushes my hair behind my ears. I laugh and a whole new batch of tears starts falling. He shakes his head and pulls me into a fierce hug.

  “I've never told anyone I loved them before, it's a big deal to me. I needed a minute to process.” I exhale a breath I didn't know I was holding and hug him tight at his reassurance.

  After dumping my bag inside my room, I text Matty saying I'm home and will be staying over at Elise's tomorrow night, which is not technically a lie. She has slept over at our place a few times; Matty likes her but hates that she calls him Matty like I do. It cracks me up watching his eyes roll, but he always smiles. I think it makes him happy that I have a friend. I know the responsibility of taking care of me is stressful and summer is almost over. The issue of registering for school and all the questions that will bring up is scaring us both. We have no idea what to do when the time comes. I have ID, but no legal guardian. Matty is only eighteen; there is no way they will let him be my guardian and he probably wouldn't want the job to be honest. What eighteen-year-old wants to raise his kid sister instead of being young and carefree? Though I don't ever remember seeing Matty carefree. He always looks like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. He’s almost never home anymore. We text but that's our only contact. When I see food has been eaten or the house is a little messier than I left it, those are my only clues he was home.

  I asked what he’
s doing for money once and he flipped out. Saying life is expensive and there are no right choices. Whatever that means. I assume he’s stealing cars, it makes the most sense and Noah agreed. He confesses that he's seen him hanging out with some pretty sketchy people. The kind of people who you do not want to cross.

  I'm awoken in the night by a loud crash coming from the kitchen. My whole body erupts in a cold sweat, I'm terrified, but I peek out my door to see what is happening. I spot Matty hunched over the sink, coughing. I flick the light on and almost faint from the sight of him. He’s covered in blood. His eyebrow is split, so is his bottom lip, and his left eye is swollen shut. He’s a mess.

  “Oh, my god! What happened!” I cry out, rushing over to him. I have no idea what to do. “Who did this to you?” I ask, pressing a towel against his eyebrow. My stomach lurches at the sight of his skin split open; he needs stitches. “You need to go to the hospital.”

  “I can't go to the hospital! Just fucking help, Alexa!” he yells at me, the booze on his breath so strong it makes me gag. I try to get myself under control and to focus on cleaning him up as best I can through the tears. If there is one thing we know how to do, it's to clean up after taking a beating.

  “Please, tell me what happened.” I plead with him, but he pushes me away.

  “You wouldn't understand. You sit here all happy in this new life and that's great, Lexi, I'm glad things are better for you, you deserve to be happy. But for me, this place is no different than the last. Every day I'm backed into a corner. I’m fighting to survive; only now, I’ve got to fight for both of us. You have no idea what it's like for me. What it costs me to live in this shit hole.”

  “Matty, I had no idea. I can give you money, I could help if you’d just let me.”

  “You can't help! You don't even belong with me, you belong in foster care. I'm not supposed to be taking care of you. I'm fucking everything up!” He starts pacing, his hands pulling on his hair. “I was supposed to be the one to take care of you and I can't do it anymore.” He’s completely losing his cool. My eyes tear up; I can't stand hearing him say these things to me.

  “Please don't leave me, Matty! I need you!” I reach out to grab his arm and when he jerks out of my grasp I break down crying. Anger floods me at his dismissal. “Why take me at all if you were just going to leave me like she did?”

  “You think I had a fucking choice? I have no choices! I never have!” He's never screamed at me like this.

  Running to my room, I slam the door behind me. I can’t calm my breathing and sobbing. He hates me, he wishes I wasn’t here. With a shaky hand, I dig around in my drawer for something to carve the pain out of my life, to calm the chaos in my soul. The thin red line isn’t enough this time, so I pull the pin across again and again and again, leaving frantic scratches all over my forearm until my heart calms and my breathing slows.

  The guilt settles almost immediately after the cutting is done. I survey the damage I’ve done; I’m a fucking mess. I can’t breathe in this apartment, I need to get out of here.

  I grab my things and run out the door. I can’t stay here. I can’t watch another person I love leave me. He doesn't try to stop me. I run the whole way to Noah's, and I’m breathless when I arrive, banging on their door in the middle of the night.

  Noah opens the door in his boxers, rubbing his messy bed hair. He takes one look at me and his eyes widen in shock. “What the fuck happened to you?” He pulls me in and I break down crying. He picks me up and sets me on the kitchen counter.

  “Did he hit you?”

  I look at him, confused, and then down at my hands. They’re still covered in my brother’s blood and my sleeve is now stuck to my arm with my own blood.

  “No! Matty came home beaten up, bad. He won't tell me what happened or who did it, he just lost it on me. Told me he was sick of taking care of me. That he didn’t want to do it anymore,” I say between sobs. “I don’t know what happened, I snapped and couldn’t stop cutting. I’m so sorry. I was doing better, I swear. I’m sorry.” I’m so ashamed that he sees me like this, at my worst.

  “It’ll be okay, Lexi. You can stay here as long as you want.” He kisses my forehead. My anxiety is coming down and I feel exhausted. Noah leads me into the bathroom, turning on the shower, and waiting as steam fills the room.

  “Shower this blood off and I’ll bring you something clean to wear to bed, okay,” he says gently. I nod, taking off my blood-covered clothes and stepping under the soothing hot water. What am I going to do now? Matty hates me. Long after the blood washes away, I stand under the water until it goes cold.

  Noah's hand reaches in, turning the water off. He pulls me out of the shower and dries my body. I stand there, staring at the floor, lost, not caring that I'm naked. He pulls a shirt over my head and shorts up my legs, rolling the top a few times so they fit. After inspecting my forearm with a stoic expression and furrowed brow, he sprays some antibacterial stuff on my cuts before wrapping my arm carefully. Then, he pulls me toward his bedroom.

  “You okay. Lexi?” Marco asks, peeking his head out of his room.

  “Tomorrow, Marco, she needs sleep,” is all Noah says to him before closing the door behind us.

  He pulls me down with him and I rest my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating.

  “Everything will be better tomorrow. Sleep, I’ll keep you safe,” he whispers.

  I sigh, exhausted, and can't keep my eyes open any longer.

  “I love you, Noah. I’m sorry.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. I love you too, now sleep.” I curl into him; his heartbeat lulls me. Tomorrow will be a better day. Matty will apologize and things will be better.

  After waking up to a text from Matty saying he’s sorry, I decide not to go home today. Matty and I need a break from worrying about each other. I call Z and let him know I won’t be in for a few days. He had been training a new girl for the job and she was more than capable of taking over for me. School was around the corner and it was only meant to last the summer. I tell him I’ll be in next week for our regular session.

  We are all up early talking and laughing over coffee and making crazy plans for after I graduate. One year and I’ll be free and old enough to make my own choices. Good or bad, my future will finally be in my own hands. “I’d like to live near the beach. I've never seen the ocean,” I say with a shy smile.

  “Me either,” Noah, Marco, and Elise all say at the same time, causing us to burst out laughing.

  “This is the saddest thing ever! Four people born and raised in California, and not one of us has seen the ocean,” Elise says, shaking her head.

  “It's settled then, get up! We are going, right now.” Noah stands up, holding out his hand to me.

  “Are you serious?” My eyes are wide, butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

  “Hell yeah, let’s do it, it's what, a four-hour drive to the coast, what else are we going to do today? None of us have work. What do you say?”

  “Yes! Oh, my god, Noah, you are brilliant, let's do it. I want to feel the ocean on my toes before this baby comes,” Elise squeals excitedly. We pick up some snacks and drinks and pile into Marco’s Jeep and drive west. I text Matty saying sorry too and that I’m spending the day with the gang. He doesn't reply.

  “Your brother okay?” Elise asks, seeing me texting.

  “I hope so, he’s not answering though, maybe he's really hurt?” I regret running out on him when he needed me.

  “I’m sure he's fine. Just take today for yourself, okay? No worrying, no stress, just a relaxing day at the beach.” He kisses me, and I lean into him, watching the desert landscape pass by the window. I must have fallen asleep, because Noah’s voice wakes me.

  “We're here,” he whispers, brushing his lips against my temple. I smile up at him, then my eyes go wide when I realize where we are. I jump up, nearly hitting his head.

  “We're here?” I look out the front window, seeing Elise and Marco hand in ha
nd walking barefoot in the sand.

  I clamber out, kicking off my shoes as I go, and let my toes slip into the warm sand. I close my eyes and relax into the bliss. I feel a shadow over my face and look up into the deep, dark eyes of my love. I stand on my toes and wrap my arms around his neck, pushing my fingers into his hair.

  “Thank you for this.” I kiss him gently at first but something in me comes alive and I pull his hair to bring him closer, deeper, wanting more. We break apart, breathing heavily.

  “That was one hell of a thank you. Come on,” he says with a smile, pulling me towards the ocean.

  It's everything I ever dreamed it would be: deep blue almost black, the waves crashing relentlessly against the shore. It's so powerful, my heart feels like it's about to burst. Tears fall on my cheeks and I recognize this as home, like the ocean is what has been missing from my soul. I walk right in up to my knees until the first wave crashes into my legs, almost knocking me over. Noah stands behind me, arms wrapped around my waist, keeping me stable as wave after wave crashes around us. This is the best day of my life, right here and now with the people I love most.

  “This is heaven on earth. I never want to leave,” I say to myself. Elise comes up beside me and loops an arm in mine. I lean into her and put a hand on her swollen belly. The four of us stand in the water, eyes on the horizon. Nothing can dampen our spirits on such a brilliant day.

  “We’ll bring your sweet baby girl here every day. She’ll learn to walk with her little toes curled in the sand. This is such a magical place, nothing bad could ever happen to her here.

  She’ll be safe and loved and protected,” I say, crying. I wish so many magnificent things for them and their baby. Elise is crying now too.

  “This is where we should live when you turn eighteen. We’ll be a real family, all of us.”

  “You two are always crying,” Marco says, shaking his head.

  “Happy tears, my love, happy tears from this day on.” She wraps her arms around him.