Exposure

by Kolleen Fraser

  I pull out my camera and snap a bunch of pictures. Seashells, our toes in the sand, everything I can to remember every detail. Elise then snatches my camera away from me to take a few pictures of Noah and me. It is the single most amazing day of my life. I never want it to end. We lie on a blanket in the sand and make crazy plans of where we will live here and what we will do with our lives. The guys plan to open their own tattoo shop. I’ll be a photographer, shooting weddings and families. Elise declares she’ll take care of us all; baking cookies and chocolate cakes, and being the best mom ever. Divine dreams of a flawless future.

  By the time we drive back home it's late, so I stay over. “A perfect end to a perfect day,” Noah says against my ear while we are wrapped in each other's arms in his bed. His gentle heartbeat echoes my own in the darkness.

  I turn to face him, getting lost in those dark eyes. I run my fingertips over his lips. My overpowering feelings for him scare me; they fill me with hope and love, make me feel worthy of both. Pressing my lips against his, I feel an overwhelming urge to do something crazy and brave.

  Reaching down, I pull my shirt over my head in one swift movement before I chicken out. His gasp is barely audible. I pull him to me, the feel of his warm, hard chest against my naked body makes me moan. He answers with what sounds like a growl. He kisses me deeply and I fall in love with him all over again in this moment.

  “I love you, Lexi,” he says, kissing me. And I believe him. I feel his love for me in everything he does. I never thought I would feel this way. An overwhelming contentment envelops me in the arms of this man I love.

  I run my hands down his neck, over his tattooed chest, loving the freedom to explore his incredible body. He moves over me, settling between my legs, kissing his way down my neck. When his mouth explores my naked form, I can barely contain my moans. He continues worshiping me with his hands and mouth until I’m so worked up my whole body aches with craving. His hard length rocking against my core drags another moan out of me and my hips move against him involuntarily, needing to feel more of him. My body is a live wire, teetering on the edge of something that’s building inside, something I’ve never experienced. I reach out and wrap my hand around his length. His breath hisses out of him as he pushes himself against my hand. I revel in his body’s reaction to my touch, the way I can make him feel.

  “Do you have a condom?”

  His eyes widen at my words. He reaches across his bed to his nightstand, pulling out what I asked for. “You sure about this?" His breath catches as he stares down at all of me, exposed and desperate for him.

  I sit up, cupping his cheek. “I want you, all of you. I need you, Noah.” I watch with bated breath as he slides the condom over his considerable length.

  He pushes into me, painfully slow, the fullness stealing the breath from my lungs.

  “Are you okay?” His body is rigid. I see worry seeping into his eyes.

  I smile, kissing his sweet lips. “Better than okay.” I roll my hips, kissing him again; he groans and starts moving with me.

  My nails dig into his arms and drag over his back, desperate to have him impossibly closer. Everything is so intense, every feeling, every touch is simultaneously too much and not enough. We crash into each other with an unrelenting force that sweeps us away.

  “I love you, Lexi. I know it’s crazy, but I swear I'd marry you today,” he confesses as we lie in bed clinging to one another. I laugh into his chest, my hand on his heart.

  “You saved me when I thought the huge world was this dark, evil place, you showed me what love could be. I will love you for the rest of my life, Noah. I’d totally marry you, just FYI,” I say, kissing him. We lie there silent for a while.

  “Would you give me my first tattoo?”

  He looks down at me, smiling. “Of course, anything you want, angel,” he whispers, kissing my shoulder. And we fall asleep in each other's arms as the sun starts to rise.

  Best day ever.

  Chapter Six

  Tattoo day is a go. It took a good hour of talking to decide which little words or pictures the guys could do easily here in the apartment. They have their own tattoo gun and are damn talented, if you ask me. Elise had a brilliant idea for a tattoo for me.

  “I read that some people will draw butterfl ies on their friend’s arm to make the cutter think of someone they love, who loves them, before they cut. It's supposed to work. I want you to know that whenever you feel like everything is hopeless, you need to think of me and know I’m here and I love you, and you don’t have to hurt yourself,” Elise says. She takes my cutting head-on, she won't be silent about it, she thinks the more we talk about it the less I’ll want to do it.

  I like the concept though. I look over at Noah, who hates the idea of me hurting myself. There’s a grim line on his face for a moment, as he looks at my arm. He must like Elise’s suggestion though because he picks up his sketch pad and proceeds to effortlessly sketch out four beautiful, delicate-looking butterflies that will cover the scars of my self-hatred, replace them with love.

  “One butterfly for each of us who love you: Matt, Marco, Elise, and me,” he says as I run my fingers over each delicate butterfly.

  “Beautiful.” Tears start running down my cheeks. I feel so overwhelmed.

  “Don't cry, Lexi love.” He brushes the tears from my cheeks and lays a perfect kiss on each eye lid.

  “Happy tears,” I reassure him, hugging him tight.

  “That's awesome, Noah!” Elise peeks at his sketch. “I’ve gotta be at work in thirty minutes so I better start waddling now.”

  “I'll take you, babe.” Marco grabs his keys. He doesn't like to leave her alone anymore; he hovers. It's cute.

  “Have fun, and you better make my butterfly the biggest and prettiest.” She winks before she and Marco walk out the door.

  “How much longer will she keep working?” I ask. He shakes his head.

  “We keep telling her she should quit but she claims she's just fine waitressing until she's due. She's stubborn,” He keeps doodling away on his sketch pad. It amazes me the things he can create. He puts it down and claps his hands, smiling.

  “You ready for this. Depending on your pain threshold, this could hurt like a bitch.” The timbre of his voice sends a shiver through my body.

  “I’m ready.” He starts prepping the station and I watch him go through the motions, admiring the way his muscles stretch and contract.

  “Hop up, babe,” he says, patting the chair. I sit down and put my arm on the arm rest. He preps my forearm and applies the stencil in just the right spot, avoiding the most recent cuts. He looks up at me.

  “Good?” he asks. I nod, but the second the gun starts up I jump. He chuckles beside me. “Try not to do that. We don't want deformed butterflies.” With a wink he starts to work. I watch it take shape with each pass of the gun, each dip in the ink, and I can't stop staring at his skill.

  “Why did you start cutting?” His voice is quiet, but strained. His eyes dance over the scars, across my arms that he’s trying to cover. “You don’t have to answer that, if you don’t want to.”

  My stomach clenches with worry, I hate talking about it, but I know he won’t judge me. “A few years ago. I think I was twelve. Erica was being awful and Matty wasn’t there to stop her, so I took a beating.” The physical blows were never as hard as the words she threw at me like daggers. “Her words just sank in somehow, and now in my weakest moments she’s there, ready to remind me how useless I am, that my mother never wanted me. I try to ignore it but sometimes it’s so loud it’s all I hear.”

  “And that morning at Jax’s? Did you really try to kill yourself?”

  I groan and cover my face with the arm he isn’t working on. “No, it was a stupid, weak moment. I had never seen a razor blade before, and it was sharper than I expected. When Jax burst in the door my hand slipped and it looked so much worse than it was. I don’t want to make excuses, but I was feeling low and lost in the world. I fucked up. I have
n’t cut in a while, I swear, I’m doing much better.”

  “I don’t want you to hurt yourself, Lexi. I can’t take the thought of it. It kills me to know you felt so lost and alone. As long as I’m alive, you will never be alone.” He finishes the tattoo in comfortable silence. It’s mesmerizing watching him, before I know it he’s sitting back, admiring his work.

  “It's so beautiful, thank you,” I say, hopping off the chair and placing a quick kiss on his sweet lips.

  “Didn't hurt too much, did it?” He sounds concerned.

  When Marco comes home from taking Elise to work, he leans over Noah's shoulder, checking out my tattoo before heading in the direction of the kitchen.

  “No, I mean it wasn't fun but it's worth it.” I can't stop staring at the tattoo before Noah goes about wrapping it up, giving me cleaning tips for the next few days, a speech I’m sure he’s given a dozen times at work. “I wish I could draw like you guys, your work is art.” I’m looking through a photo album they've started. There’s only about twenty photos but still their talent is clear.

  “Of course it's art. But you could totally do it, here, tattoo me,” Marco says, holding out the tattoo gun. I wave my hands away.

  “You're insane, I can't just tattoo you!” I’m shaking

  my head, but then I smile. “I couldn't... could I?” I look at Noah, then back at Marco. They’re all smiles.

  “Here I'll make it easy for you.” Marco gets up, grabs a pen off the table and walks over to the mirror on the far wall. He writes something on his forehead above his left eyebrow, then walks back to sit in front of me. I burst out laughing. Above his eyebrow he wrote the word ART, but backwards!

  “You can't be serious! Marco, the letters are...” I'm interrupted by Noah coughing. I look over at him; he’s laughing and shaking his head at me, silently telling me not to tell Marco his mistake.

  “Do it, Lex, or I swear I will.” He’s laughing hard, shaking his head. I pick up the gun, and since I spent the morning watching Noah do mine I get a feel for it quickly. Noah comes to sit behind me, wrapping his arms around me, guiding my hand while I start immortalizing Marco’s stupidity on his forehead.

  “You are so going to regret this, dude,” I say to Marco.

  He just shakes his head. “No regrets, man.”

  I start to trace over the letters. Really, it's Noah doing all the work, I'm just holding the gun. It only takes a few minutes and it's finished. He stands up and looks in the mirror at our handy work and smiles.

  “That's wicked.” He turns, looking at me all proud.

  “Can we tell him yet?” I whisper to Noah, but he shakes his head.

  “Nah, wait for Elise's reaction, it'll be way more fun this way.” I can feel him shaking with laughter behind me.

  “You are the worst best friend ever,” I whisper in his ear.

  “He'd do the same to me, babe. Believe me.” He kisses me, and we fall back on the pillowed floor, making out.

  “Dudes, for real? I'm right here!” Marco yells in mock outrage.

  We come up for air, laughing at Marco’s feigned disgust. A thought hits me out of the blue.

  “Ooo!” I squeak excitedly, “I want the co-ordinates to the beach we went to, tattooed on my right wrist.”

  “See, Noah, she’s already addicted. But seriously, that’s a great idea, I’m in. We should all get one,” Marco suggests.

  “They're pretty long, though. Maybe we should break them up, Elise and I can get the latitude and you guys can get the longitude. Like pieces of a puzzle.”

  “That’s a cool idea, I like it.” Noah kisses my new tattoo, now bandaged up.

  And just like that, my addiction to ink begins, I know I’ll want more, I can feel it in me already. I see now why people cover themselves in beautiful ink. Writing their history on their skin, like a photo album you take everywhere you go. The adrenaline rush it gives me is intense, like I could take on the world.

  “I've got the afternoon shift at Z's. Then I’ll run home. Matty still hasn’t answered any of my texts,” I say, standing up.

  “I have to be at work in an hour, but I can walk you,” Noah offers.

  “Aww, escorted to work by a sexy guy, yes please.

  Though I’m dreading seeing Matty afterwards.”

  “I can come with you later if it’ll make you feel better.”

  “No, but thank you for offering. We need to have it out and I think if the sexy guy sleeping with his baby sister is in the room it would only piss him off. But I’ll allow you to walk me to work,” I say, running my hands up his arms and around his neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

  “Sexy guy. I got an upgrade from sexy stranger, huh?” His arms surround me, hands cupping my butt. I moan, pressing into him.

  “Guys! Come on, you're going to make me go blind,” Marco yells, covering his eyes. We both laugh, and I grab my bag on our way out.

  Dreading my showdown with Matty, I’m glad for my shift at Z’s gym. We stopped our training sessions a week ago. Now I have free rein to come work out whenever I feel like it. Sad to say it’s been a week since I stopped in. The new receptionist is on the phone as I come in the door. I kiss Noah goodbye before he leaves. She smiles and wiggles her eyebrows, pointing to Noah’s back. She’s hilarious and I wish we had shifts together instead of opposites.

  She’s doing a way better job than I ever could, but I miss being part of the gym on a steadier basis now that I’m down to one shift a week. Summer is wrapping up and the school issue I’ve been ignoring will need to be figured out. Maybe Z could adopt me.

  Z appears out of nowhere. “Long time no see. You know you can come around even on days you don’t have to work. Or are you too cool to work out now that you have a man?” “What do you know about me having a man? You listening to gossip now, Z?”

  “People say things, I listen.” He shrugs. “He a good guy?”

  I can’t help but smile at this. “Yeah, he’s a great guy.”

  “Well, I suppose you know how to kick his ass now, if he wasn’t.”

  I start laughing, remembering how I did in fact kick his ass. “I totally did, I was walking, completely zoned-out, he put his hand on my shoulder to get my attention because I had my earbuds in, and I went full attack mode on him.”

  Z’s rough, throaty laugh comes out in a burst, it’s so loud everyone in the gym stops and looks at him. His laugh is infectious. “That’s fantastic, kid.”

  The rest of my shift goes on as usual; answering phones and filing paperwork. But the time alone allows my impending confrontation with Matty to stir in my head until my stomach swirls with anxiety.

  I unlock the door; the apartment is quiet inside. He's not home. Why am I surprised by that? He’s never home. With a sigh, I walk into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge. How is this fight ever going to end if he won't talk to me? I shoot him a text, letting him know I’m home and to please come see me.

  My heart sinks when I see the bloody towel from the other night still in the sink. As I walk down the hall, I see a fist-size hole punched through his bedroom door. “Oh, Matty, what did you do?” I peek in his messy room but it’s empty. I hate being here alone. I grab some clothes and shove them in my bag with shaky hands. I don't like leaving like this, but I would rather stay with Elise and Noah than stay here alone.

  I leave a note on the counter in the kitchen, letting him know I’ll be staying at Elise’s until he calls or texts me. I’ve got a sick feeling in my stomach about leaving not knowing where he is and if he’s okay.

  “He trashed your apartment?” Noah asks once I return to his place.

  “It wasn't trashed, but he punched a hole in his door and threw some stuff around. He must have been so mad when I left.” I should have stayed with him.

  “It's not your fault he flipped out,” he says, hugging me. “Just don't go back there alone, okay. I've heard some of the things he's been into and if he's in as deep as they say, that's not a safe place for
you.” I nod, holding onto him.

  “Matty wouldn’t put me in danger. I’m sure everything’s fine. I just wish he’d call me.”

  A week goes by with no word from Matty. I'm sick with worry, and I can't seem to turn off my mind. It keeps racing through all the things that could have happened to him, or worse, he could have washed his hands of me and run away from the hassle of raising his kid sister.

  “What do you mean you’re going back?” Elise asks from her comfy position on the couch. I can’t see her face over her large belly.

  “I forgot my laptop, it has every picture I've ever taken on it, I can't just leave it there. And I need to see if Matty left a note or something, see if he's been back or if he’s... gone.” I trail off, not wanting to admit that he might have left me.

  “I need answers, Elise. I won’t be long.”

  “Noah’s going to flip out! They’ll be off work in another hour and he specifically asked you not to go back there without them. Why don’t we wait until they can come with you?”

  “No, I’m just running over quickly to grab my computer and leave Matty a note. It’ll take five minutes, tops,” I say, standing and grabbing my bag. She rocks herself back and forth a couple times, getting momentum to stand, insisting on coming with me.

  “Stay here, Elise. I'll be right back,” I say, but she’s shaking her head.

  “Nope, I'm coming with you and that’s final. Let's go.” She walks out ahead of me, standing outside the door with arms crossed impatiently over her swollen belly. I mumble something about her being a stubborn ass, she just giggles and keeps waddling.

  When we arrive at my apartment, we both freeze in shock. The whole place has been destroyed; the door, which has an eviction notice stuck to it, has been kicked in and now hangs crooked on its hinges. Dread blooms in my stomach.

  I take a step toward the door and Elise grabs my elbow. “We should call the cops, don’t go in there.”

  Resting my hand on hers, I give it a squeeze, hoping to reassure her, but I don’t feel any better about this situation. “Stay out here,” I say, stepping into the chaos.