Do Not Forsake Me

by Rosanne Bittner

  She walked to the front door again. “And he’ll probably ask Red St. James and those other men to stay behind and bury however many men need burying and let them bring in whoever is left alive. That will save him time so he can get Evie and Little Jake back here sooner.”

  She faced Peter again, her mind running in circles with various scenarios that could influence when Jake might get home…if he got home. “He might stop somewhere to clean up first.”

  Peter laughed lightly. “He’s coming home to you and knows you’re all right, plus he’s been through the depths of hell. He won’t stop to clean up first this time. He’ll be bent on getting to you as fast as he can.” He stood up and grasped her arms. “Randy, I wish you would just sit down. I need to talk to you.”

  She met his eyes…saw the love there. “I’m sorry.” She embraced him. “Peter, I am so grateful for everything you’ve done. You’re such a good man, and having someone with me who cares so much means a lot.” She pulled away. “But even if something happened to Jake—”

  “I know.” He sighed and took hold of her hands. “I just want to tell you that I hope Evie and Lloyd and Little Jake all make it back alive and well, and I hope he gets that reprieve and that you can all move to Colorado. I won’t forget you…ever…but I know when something is hopeless, and you, my darling Randy, are hopelessly in love with Jake Harkner. When he dies, you will be in love with his ghost. There will never be another man for you, and what you feel for him is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.” He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “What I feel for you is partly because I want my wife back with me, but I can’t have her, so I guess I’d better start looking around…elsewhere. I feel honored just to have been able to hold you when you needed holding, and my only comfort is that I’m pretty sure Jake appreciates what he has in you. He doesn’t just love you. He adores you.”

  Her eyes teared. “Thank you so much, Peter.”

  “For helping a woman I love? That takes no thanks.” Randy slowly turned away and went back to the door.

  “He should get here today,” she repeated. “I feel it.” She rested her forehead against the oval window in the door. That’s when she heard the familiar whistle, somewhere in the distance. “It’s him! It’s him!” She started to open the door.

  “Wait!” Peter hurried over, taking her arm. “Wait and see who’s with him. You need to prepare yourself, Randy. And you sure as heck shouldn’t be running down the street in your condition. Don’t go tearing something open and put yourself back in the hospital.”

  They stepped out onto the porch together. Randy glanced at all the bullet holes that still pocked the outside of the house. So many! That meant a lot of men. It sickened her to think of Evie with them…and Little Jake.

  They finally appeared at the end of the street. “Three! There are only three of them!” Randy held a hand to her mouth, sucking in her breath. “Peter, just three!”

  “Don’t panic,” Peter warned. “At least that looks like Jake and Lloyd. I think that’s Jeff with them.” They came closer. “Jake has Little Jake with him.”

  “Where’s Evie? Where’s Evie and Brian?”

  With a pounding heart, Randy watched Katie run out of the house and toward Lloyd, who dismounted and limped up to her. “He’s hurt, Peter! Lloyd’s hurt!” She started off the porch, but Peter kept hold of her. “He’s embracing Katie. He’s all right, Randy.” The Donavans came out with Stephen and Ben. Stephen ran up to his father, and Lloyd embraced both his wife and son.

  Ben ran to Jake, who reached down and tousled his hair. Ben grasped his hand with both of his and Jake lifted him with one hand onto his horse. He put his arms around Ben and said something to him. Ben threw his arms around Jake’s neck, and Randy could see the boy was crying. Jake talked to him a moment longer, then lifted him down, saying something more to him. Ben nodded and walked back to the Donavans.

  As always, townspeople were beginning to gather behind Jake.

  “Jake, where’s Evie?” a man asked.

  “She and Brian came in the back way. They’re already at their house. I don’t want one person going over there, understand? They need to be alone.”

  “Oh, Peter, that means…” Randy turned away and wept. Peter put an arm around her.

  “She’s alive, Randy. She and Brian are alive, and Brian is a good man. They love each other and they will get through this.”

  “The baby. If she lost the baby, it will be harder for her to ever recover from this.”

  Randy took a handkerchief from her dress pocket and wiped at her eyes. Peter could see that at the moment, he didn’t even exist as far as Randy was concerned. Her gaze remained riveted on her husband. He went inside and picked up his hat, quietly leaving out the back door.

  Jake said something to the Donavans. Lloyd and Katie were still clinging to each other.

  Jake looked toward the house then, and Randy stepped into the street. Ignoring more questions, Jake kicked his horse into a faster lope, heading toward her.

  Thin! So much thinner, Randy thought as he came closer. And so, so tired. He’s been to hell and back! She could hardly believe he was real and alive, and she saw in his eyes for a flicker of a moment the darker Jake, the outlaw Jake, the Jake who was suffering over what had happened to their daughter. But his gaze changed to the loving Jake as in seconds he was off his horse and hurrying up to her.

  Neither spoke at first as he swept her into his arms. Never, ever, ever had those arms felt so good around her. She wrapped her own arms around his neck as he picked her up off her feet, whirling her around.

  “Sweet Jesus,” he groaned. “I can’t believe it’s you and you’re all right.”

  Randy buried her face against him, breathing in his scent—tobacco, leather, sweat, the lingering scent of gun smoke and even his horse. It didn’t matter that he needed a bath and a shave. It only mattered that she was in his arms.

  “I thought I’d never see you again,” she sobbed.

  “It’s true?” he asked. “No cancer?”

  “Yes. Oh, Jake, don’t let go! Don’t let go!”

  “Never. My God, baby, you feel so good…smell so good…” His voice was gruff. He sounded so achingly tired, yet here he was, holding her as though she weighed nothing. “How tight can I hold you? I don’t want to hurt something.”

  “You won’t hurt anything. You can’t hold me tight enough.”

  He kissed at her neck, her hair, her cheek, keeping her pressed close. “I wasn’t sure we’d ever hold each other again. When I first got back to Guthrie, I was crazy with rage over Evie. The only thing that kept me sane was finding out you were okay and on your way home.”

  “When I heard what happened, I was afraid you’d hand yourself over to them just to free Evie.”

  “She’s okay, Randy. She’s okay.”

  “I should go to her.”

  “No. Leave them alone. Brian and Evie need some time together.” He began kissing her, over and over. She smelled peppermint on his breath, felt the rough stubble on his chin. “I asked the Donavans to take Stephen and Little Jake and Ben to their place so Brian and Evie can just be with each other—and Lloyd and Katie need time too. Lloyd is hurt, but he’ll be all right.”

  “Oh, Jake! What happened to him?”

  “Just a flesh wound. Thank God Brian was with us.”

  “Evie! Poor Evie!”

  “She still has that baby. And she has Brian. She just needs time, Randy.” He found her mouth and savored it hungrily again. “God, I’m such a mess,” he groaned, “and you’re so beautiful and clean and soft, and I want you so bad, but I need a bath and a shave and I’m so goddamn tired, Randy. I don’t remember the last time I slept. Even after we got her back, I couldn’t eat for thinking about what happened.” He continued holding her with her feet off the ground.

  “She’s alive, Jake, an
d so is Little Jake. That’s all that matters right now. You, my darling Jake, found them. God only knows how many men you had to go through to get them. And now you’re here and alive, and there is no one like my Jake. No one.” They kissed over and over.

  “It’s you that got me through it…knowing you were all right.”

  Randy finally leaned back to take a better look at him, touching the scar at the side of his face. “Oh, Jake, Dixie told me what happened to your face. She brought Ben here, and I already love him, Jake.”

  “Dixie? She came here?”

  “Yes. She’s probably off someplace watching us right now. She wanted to wait and make sure you got back alive. She told me about Ben, and what shape you were in after you found out about Evie. All of it had to be so horrible for you. If only I could have been there for you. It must have been so terrible!”

  He groaned as he kissed her again, then nuzzled her neck. “There is so much to tell you, mi querida esposa. I’m so sorry, but if I don’t go inside and lie down, I’ll pass out right here in the street. It’s all catching up with me.” He kissed her again. “I want you so bad,” he whispered, “but I’m so goddamn tired, baby.”

  “Of course you are.”

  “Tell me you’re still just mine.”

  “You know I am.”

  “Who do you belong to?”

  “Jake Harkner—always and forever.”

  He kissed her again. “God, you look so beautiful and you smell so good. I’m such a mess, Randy,” he again repeated.

  “I don’t care! I never knew a man could look and smell so good when he needed a bath and a shave.”

  “How are you? How are you really?”

  “I’m all right, now that you’re here and I know Evie and Little Jake are alive. But I have more scars, Jake.”

  “Do you think I give a damn about that?” He kissed her again. “When I’m better, I’ll kiss the scars away.” They kissed again.

  “Little Jake. Did they hurt him?”

  “He’s fine now. Please don’t ask me to talk about it yet. I can’t, Randy. I can’t think about it. Just know that they are all fine. And I don’t want to let go of you, but we have to go inside. I just want to lie down beside you in that bed that smells like roses.”

  Randy forced herself to let go, just enough to step back and take another look at him. “Oh, Jake, it had to be such hell for you. I’m so sorry for what you’ve surely been through. And you’ve lost so much weight.”

  Jake moved an arm around her, and they helped each other up the steps to go inside. “You can fatten me up with that bread you make,” he told her, his voice sounding weaker and weaker. Randy thought about Dixie’s concern that Jake would ride himself to death to get to his Evie. Apparently he’d nearly done just that.

  As they stepped across the threshold, Jake began apologizing for the house, the broken lamp, her trampled roses.

  “They can all be replaced, Jake. Right now it’s enough that I have you and Evie and Little Jake and our son back home.”

  She helped him remove his coat, hat, boots, cartridge belts, and guns, shaking her head at all the armor he wore. His vest came off, his shirt. She grimaced at the bloodstained gauze on his upper left arm…the still-red scar on his cheek where his beard didn’t grow.

  “I can do this,” he told her. “You shouldn’t help. You’re still healing.”

  “It feels good to touch you, to know you’re alive.”

  He sat down on the bed. “I should have been with you for all you went through,” he lamented. “Are you in pain?”

  “No. I just got my stitches out yesterday. I’m fine, Jake, just still sore. And I still get tired easily, but right now having you sitting here in front of me gives me new energy.” She knelt in front of him and started to unbuckle his belt.

  “You were going through some pretty terrible things yourself,” she told him.

  “Randy, let me do this, please. I don’t want you overdoing things.” He stood up and finished unbuckling, removing his denim pants.

  “What if you had been with me?” Randy continued, studying the magnificent man he still was, even though so much thinner. “It would have taken you three times longer to find Evie. God had his reasons for making you stay behind, Jake. He has worked so many miracles for us.”

  Jake sat back down in a way that told her he couldn’t have stayed on his feet even if he wanted to. He literally collapsed onto the bed, and Randy remembered that morning—oh, so many years ago—when she came home to find the outlaw Jake Harkner passed out on her bed back in Kansas. She’d stripped him and washed him and shaved him then, and she’d nervously removed the bullet from his side that she’d put there herself. Jake mumbled something about Evie, then rolled to his side.

  “My sweet, beautiful angel,” he groaned.

  Randy moved around the other side of the bed and crawled in beside him, still dressed. She realized he was quietly crying. “Jake, come here.”

  He moved his arms around her. “I wanted to…kill all of the ones left alive, Randy, but she wouldn’t let me. She forgave them, Randy. She forgave them. Preacher Zilke said evil couldn’t touch her, and he was right. He was right.”

  Randy wiped tears from his cheeks. “When on earth did you talk to the preacher?” Randy asked.

  “Before I left.” He pulled her tightly against him. “There is so much to talk about, Randy. I picked up a little boy along the way. I want to raise him, Randy. His name is Ben, but he’s me. He’s me.”

  Randy kissed his hair. “Jake, I told you I already know about Ben. Dixie brought him to town to explain, just in case you didn’t make it back.”

  “Don’t be upset about Dixie. I stayed with her one night after we left. I held her and held her and I wanted it to be you. I cried like a goddamn kid. I was sure I was losing you.”

  “Jake, I’m not upset. Dixie told me about that. She’s a good woman, and she was there when I couldn’t be. I’m only concerned about what seeing that boy get beat with a belt did to you.”

  “Where is he? Where is Ben?”

  “Jake, you are so tired you don’t even remember you already asked the Donavans to keep him for a while.”

  “She helped me, Randy. Dixie…kept me from killing myself.”

  Randy closed her eyes and sighed. “Jake, you’re rambling and not making any sense. Just sleep now.”

  He met her mouth in a hungry kiss. “Over a week,” he mumbled then, “since I slept. I want…to make love to you…and know you’re really here and alive…but I’m so damn tired, Randy.”

  “My God, of course you are. Just sleep, Jake. All that matters is that you’re back and it’s over. There will be lots of time for everything else. All that matters is you’re here! You’re here in our house and in our bed and in my arms.”

  “I was so afraid…of losing you.”

  “I’m going to be fine. I was just as scared you would never make it back. Let’s just lie here and enjoy the feel of each other’s arms.” Randy realized how devastatingly tired he must be, because of his repeated ramblings. He finally stopped talking and soon fell into a deep sleep.

  Randy carefully pulled away and got up. She covered him, then went and locked the front door. Jeff would take care of things out in the street, and the other men would probably be here tomorrow with what was left of those who’d done such awful things to Evie. She determined she would go and see Evie tomorrow. Her beautiful, precious, forgiving daughter would need a lot of talking to. Thank God for Evie’s patient, loving husband. And Little Jake, her wild, naughty, brave, cussing grandson. He was all Jake. She didn’t even know yet what had happened to him. If Jake didn’t want to talk about it, then that meant those men had hurt the child in some way, but she’d seen him run to the Donavans as though nothing was wrong. It made her smile. He was all Harkner through and through. Put him down and he got righ
t back up. He was tough like his grandfather…and like the little boy Jake who’d lived through so much pain, both physically and emotionally.

  She walked back to the bedroom and undressed. She pulled on her flannel gown, then walked around the bed and climbed into it from the other side, snuggling against Jake. “Thank you, Jesus,” she whispered.

  Jake moved his arms around her, but his eyes were closed. “Bed…still smells like…roses.” He moved a leg over hers and breathed against her neck. “Mi esposa. Yo te quiero…mi vida,” he whispered.

  Randy kissed his wounded arm, his eyes, his hair. What had he been through? How many men had he killed this time? He’d never fooled her. Killing so many men weighed on him. “And I love you, Jake,” she said softly. “Forever and forever…and forever.”

  She remembered his remark about Evie forgiving the men who’d abused her and telling Jake he should do the same.

  Evie, my darling Evie, you taught your father more in that one gesture than all our love and preaching over the years could have taught him.

  In his sleep Jake pulled her even closer. She drank in the pleasure of his embrace, nestled in the sweet feeling of love…and the safety of his arms. She could still feel the strength of those arms in spite of his being thinner and so terribly worn-out. When he was awake again and rested, she’d help him bathe and shave, and she’d fatten him up with that bread he loved. She had five loaves of it in the kitchen. She’d kneaded and baked it all just to keep busy, praying with every warm, sweet-smelling loaf that he’d come home to eat it. A neighbor had let her cut some roses, and she’d filled the bedroom with vases of them. Jake always teased her about how this room—and she—always smelled like roses. She’d wanted the familiar smell in the room when he got home…and here he was…home.

  She felt the tears come then. He was really here and alive. How could she have gone on if he’d never come back? How awful that they both could have died…separately…away from each other. She couldn’t think of anything worse. There was so much to be thankful for.