For the Love of Logan

by Chase Connor

  “They don’t look happy…” Cooper mumbled.

  I frowned as I watched Alex point his finger in A.J.’s face and say something loudly, but they were far enough away that I couldn’t make it out. Then, before I could even figure out what was going on, A.J. punched Alex. Cooper and I gasped at the same time and then Alex had A.J. in a headlock. Cooper and I took off running towards the two, trying to get to them before things got really bad.

  Seconds later, the two of us had reached them. Cooper grabbed ahold of Alex while I grabbed ahold of A.J. and we somehow pried them away from each other, though they didn’t seem to realize what was going on. They were singularly focused on tearing each other apart. A.J.’s hair was standing up in every which direction and Alex had a large red mark encircling his eye already. Cooper basically had to jump on Alex’s back like a spider monkey and tie up all of his limbs while I wrapped my arms around A.J.s chest, pinning his arms to his side.

  “What the hell is wrong with you two?” Cooper screeched, holding onto Alex. “Stop fighting me, Alex!”

  Alex stopped wrestling against Cooper’s hold, but his expression didn’t turn any less angry. When he saw me holding A.J. back, he actually seemed to get angrier.

  “He’s a piece of shit, just like you, Logan!” Alex spat.

  A.J. tried to wrestle away from me to get to Alex and I barely managed to hold him back.

  “Don’t, A.J.!” I held him tightly.

  “Fuck you, Johnson!” A.J. growled at Alex.

  “Alex!” Cooper gasped. “What the hell is wrong with you? Shut your mouth!”

  “You, too.” I mumbled in A.J.’s ear. “Please.”

  A.J. settled down, but he didn’t stop glaring at Alex. Alex managed to pry himself out of Cooper’s grasp, but he didn’t come rushing at A.J. like I thought he would. Instead, he shoved an accusatory finger at A.J. I kept my grip on A.J., but was prepared to let go if he had to defend himself. Cooper rushed in front of Alex and put his body between Alex and A.J. just in case.

  “Fuck you, A.J.” Alex spat again. “If you want to betray our friendship just so you can get laid, go ahead fucker.”

  “We’re in public.” Cooper growled desperately at Alex.

  That, Alex managed to understand. He looked around, but luckily most of the other students were gone, and those still around had missed the fight and weren’t paying any attention. They weren’t close enough to hear what was being said, anyway.

  “Hope chasing after that piece of shit is worth it.” Alex sneered at A.J.

  A.J. broke away from me, but Cooper was there to stop him so that I could wrap him up in my arms again before he could get to Alex.

  “Stop!” I growled in his ear.

  “Alex.” Cooper growled in his face. “Get your ass in your car. Right now.”

  Alex chewed at his lip nervously as he glared at A.J. over Cooper’s shoulder.

  “Now!” Cooper demanded.

  Alex’s eyes flicked over to his boyfriend and his expression changed from angry to chastened. He snatched his backpack up off of the ground and marched angrily away towards his car. I held onto A.J. until it was clear that he wouldn’t dash after Alex, then slowly let my arms fall away from him. His whole body was tense. Cooper’s whole body seemed to deflate as he turned to us, looking completely embarrassed.

  “I’m sorry, A.J.” Cooper shook his head. “I—I let it slip to Alex what was going on. I thought it’d make him feel better about Logan and me still being friends if he knew…this.”

  He waved his hands at us.

  “It’s not your fault, Coop.” A.J. grumbled.

  “Whatever he said that started this, I’m really sorry.”

  “Tell your crazy boyfriend to start apologizing for himself.” I snapped at my friend. “I’m so tired of you excusing and apologizing for his bad behavior.”

  “Logan.” Cooper’s eyes were pleading with me.

  “You know, I may not be perfect, Cooper.” I sighed. “But, the first thing I did when shit went down between you, me, and Alex, was apologize to him. He hasn’t once said he’s sorry for being a dick. He’s just acting worse as the days go by.”

  “He’s just upset, Logan, and—”

  “Fuck that.” I snarled. “Next time I’m not helping you pry them apart. I’m going to sit back and pray he gets more than a black eye.”

  “Don’t be like this, man.” Cooper pleaded with me. “I know Alex is to blame, but don’t hate me. You’re my best friend, Logan.”

  “Sometimes I wonder!” I spat. “Who let’s their boyfriend treat their best friend like this—especially over a fucking misunderstanding??!”

  “Logan…”

  “A.J. and I have to work on our project.” I snapped. “Go hang out with your psycho boyfriend.”

  I grabbed A.J. by his wrist and pulled him after me, not giving a shit who might see it. A.J. just stared at me with wide eyes as we made our way to our cars. I indicated that I would follow him to his house, so he led the way out of the parking lot and we drove away. When I looked in my rearview mirror, Cooper was leaning back, resting against the hood of his car, his head in his hands. I felt bad—but not bad enough to apologize for telling the truth.

  When we got to A.J.’s house, he pulled his car into the garage and I parked in his driveway. Together, we walked into his house through the garage door and sat our backpacks on the small kitchen table. I sighed, letting tension out of my body as I stood in his kitchen, trying not to feel guilty over snapping at my best friend. It wasn’t Cooper’s fault that Alex was acting the way he was. I had written the note and Alex had overreacted. This was on me and Alex—Cooper was just stuck in the middle.

  “I’m sorry.” A.J. was looking down at his feet pathetically as he stood there before me.

  “It’s not your fault.” I sighed. “Yeah, I mean, you shouldn’t have punched him and all, but…”

  A.J. waited.

  “But…what?”

  “That’s all I got.” I shrugged. “I mean, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it on some level when you hit him.”

  We both grinned, feeling bad for grinning, but grinning nonetheless.

  “He said you were just dating me to get over Cooper and you were…he just said some not nice things about your character.” A.J. muttered.

  “Oh, yeah?” I snorted. “Must be Monday.”

  A.J. chuckled.

  “You really shouldn’t have hit him.” I said gently. “If you guys got caught, you could get expelled.”

  He shrugged. “It would have been worth it. I wasn’t going to let him talk about you like that.”

  He was blushing and looking away. I watched him for a minute in silence.

  “You were defending my honor?” I smiled at him.

  “Well, I…yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged.

  Slowly, I moved over to A.J., close enough that we were almost touching. A.J. looked up at me.

  “You care that much?” I whispered.

  “Yes.” He breathed out.

  “That’s really sexy.”

  “I was going for macho.” He smiled. “But sexy is good, too.”

  “Very macho.” I grinned evilly. “Manly.”

  “Is it turning you on?” A.J. waggled his eyebrows.

  I didn’t answer. Not verbally. I moved my mouth to his as my hands went up to his face. A.J.’s hands went to my waist, his fingers digging into my hips as he pushed his body against mine and I covered his mouth with mine. This was not a chaste kiss. It wasn’t even close to a chaste kiss. We were both aroused and the lengths of our bodies were pressed together. A.J. moaned as I ran my fingers through his hair and my tongue rolled into his mouth. His fingers dug into my waist as I started pushing against him and he walked backwards, his mouth feeding at mine as we tumbled out of the kitchen and into the living room. We kept moving until we fell into the couch, our mouths separating against our wishes.

  I looked around quickly.

  “There is a lot of beige in here.
” I stated breathlessly.

  Then my mouth was back on his as I pushed him back in the couch and brought my legs up to straddle him. A.J.’s hands were on my back, pulling me into him as we continued to kiss, our tongues fighting in our mouths. My hips began to move as I fed at A.J.’s mouth and he moaned and moved his hips against mine. I wasn’t sure how much time went by. I had gotten lost in A.J.’s lips and tongue and hands and fingers. When I finally pulled away, his eyes looked hungry and desperate.

  “I don’t have any condoms.” A.J. gasped, his fingers still gripping my hips.

  “I don’t either.” I bit at my bottom lip. “But there are other things.”

  “Let’s do those things, then.”

  And then his lips were on my neck.

  The sun was nearly set as A.J. and I laid in the middle of the living room floor, our limbs tangled and our naked bodies pressed together. A.J. was kissing me gently, his hands stroking my chest and stomach as we reveled in what we had just done. All of the things we had just done. I wanted to feel guilty for not being a good boy—but I just told my brain to shut the fuck up. A.J.’s lips were on my lips, my jawline, my neck, my throat, then my chest, then he laid his head against my chest and wrapped his arms around me tightly. My lips found the top of his head as my arms wrapped around him. It was…beatific.

  A.J. sighed against my chest and I looked down to see him smiling, his eyes closed happily. A lack of preparation had kept us from doing everything we would have wanted, but when I thought about it, I couldn’t have imagined my first time having been more perfect. By the look on A.J.’s face, I could tell it hadn’t been too bad for him either. I didn’t know if it was his first experience, but I found that I didn’t care at all. I just knew that I had experienced the most explosively amazing moment of my life with A.J. And I really liked A.J. That was all that mattered.

  Chapter 9

  Knocking on the door to my dad’s home office, it suddenly dawned on me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had sought him out privately. My dad and I had an okay relationship. He was mostly a jovial, fun guy, but he wasn’t super affectionate or effusive—and he always seemed a little fearful of being too emotional about anything. The most emotional I had ever seen him get was when he told my mom or me or Katie that he loved us. But it was always somewhat restrained, as though his masculinity depended upon him being slightly emotionally removed from everything.

  It made me pull away from him as I grew older. As the years went by, I was less likely to have real conversations with him. Less likely to share any real feelings with him or tell him about the things going on in my life. And when I realized that I was gay, I really pulled away. I didn’t know how to broach the topic with him like I had my mother. Of course, I’d never heard him ever say anything homophobic in my life…but I wasn’t sure I could deal with his emotionally removed responses to something so ingrained in my personality. I didn’t want him to react to the proclamation of my sexuality like he would an increase in the cable bill.

  “Come in.”

  I opened the door to his office. He seemed surprised to see me instead of my mom or Katie. I went inside and closed the door behind myself. Dad’s home office looks like you’d expect any regular office in any office building across the country to look like. Utilitarian. Impersonal. Functional. Like my dad. I looked at my dad, trying to decide if today was really the day or not.

  “What’s going on, Loganberry?” He smiled up at me.

  “I hate that nickname.”

  “You didn’t when you were three.”

  I held my hands up in an “and here we are” gesture. He laughed.

  “Is dinner ready?” He asked, glancing at his watch. “Your mom said it wouldn’t be until seven…”

  “I don’t think so.” I replied. “But, anyway, I’m not here about dinner. I wanted to know if I could talk to you for a second?”

  He looked up at me for a moment, obviously shocked that I had sought him out for a talk, but doing fairly well at hiding it.

  “Well, have a seat.” He gestured vaguely and turned around to save his work on his computer.

  I slid into the chair in front of my dad’s desk, my hands gripping the arms like my life depended upon it as he went through the quick task of saving his work. Then he turned off the monitor and turned back to me, his hands in his lap. He seemed as nervous as me. And he didn’t even know what the talk was about. It’s amazing how two people who live in a house are practically strangers and don’t even realize it until they have to talk.

  “I’m gay.”

  It almost came out like a question.

  My dad took in a breath, but his facial expression didn’t change.

  For several breathless, heartbeat-less seconds, we just looked at each other.

  “That’s all.” I said. “That’s—I just wanted you to know that.”

  “Okay.” He replied.

  Again, silent moments passed between us.

  “I’m a really bad father.” He said simply.

  “I’m not gay because of your parenting skills.”

  He shook his head. “I meant that I don’t know what to say. I’m not…a natural at this like your mom.”

  “Just say what’s on your mind.” I shrugged. “Pretty sure I can take it.”

  “Well, I knew that you were gay, Logan.” He said. “Don’t hold it against her, but mom told me. I’ve…been waiting a while for you to tell me yourself. Like mom suggested.”

  It was my turn to take a deep breath.

  “I just didn’t know how to talk to you about it.” He said. “Like I said—not great at the parenting thing.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle. He smiled.

  “Maybe we should do some father-son things?” He suggested, looking even more nervous. “Spend some time together?”

  “It won’t make me not be gay.” I frowned.

  “I meant so that you can tell me more about yourself.” He said. “So, that maybe we will feel more comfortable talking. So…when there’s something important, we don’t wait to tell each other?”

  I just looked at him.

  “If you want to.” He said quickly. “Your mom said to let you do things on your own terms in your own time.”

  “Do you want to hang out with me?” I felt my eyes watering and my voice quivered when I asked it.

  “Always.” He said. “I’m just not good at it. So, sometimes I chicken out and just…don’t.”

  “I never feel like you want to be around me.”

  He sighed, sinking into his chair.

  “Loganberry—Logan.” He said. “I’m not great at being a dad. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you and Katie. I just…I don’t know how to get from point A to point B sometimes. I don’t know where to start.”

  “Well, if it helps, I don’t either.” I sniffed, trying to pull back my emotions.

  That’s what he’s doing, Logan. Holding back.

  Tears flowed from my eyes.

  “I just want you to want to be my dad.” I said, my tears hot on my cheeks. “I don’t care if you’re a natural or you do it exactly right. I don’t even care if you suck at it. As long as I’m sure that you love me. That’s all I want, dad. I want you to love me for me.”

  My dad looked up, and I knew that gesture. It was a learned and studied movement of a guy who had trained himself to be a man and not show his feelings. He got up from his seat and walked around the desk and leaned back, sitting on the edge.

  “I love you, Logan.” He said, his voice shaky. “I love you more than anything. And nothing makes me prouder than being your dad. Yours and Katie’s dad. You know, Katie—and people wouldn’t think this—but being her dad is easy. Giving her a hug and just listening to her talk is all it takes. That’s all she needs to feel special. You—well, you’re a different creature. You’re a quote-unquote ‘normal’ kid. You require the things I’m not great at. And, I know that’s not incredibly comforting, nor does it make up for my poor parenting skills
, but, I just want you to know that none of this has to do with not loving you or not wanting to be your dad.”

  “Okay.”

  “If you could meet me halfway—and I know that’s not fair—but, I’ll do my best to understand you if you do your best to understand me.” He suggested. “If you need something I’m not giving you, tell me. Sometimes I need a few tips to be a better dad. Your mom does the best she can to help me, but she’s got her hands full with all of us.”

  “I can do that.” I nodded, reaching up to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and then stood. “I’ll let you get back to work.”

  “Hey, son.” My dad grabbed my wrist, keeping me from walking away.

  Then I felt myself fall into him and my arms were going around him. He tensed up at first, but then his arms went around me and he was squeezing me back, hugging me to him. I cried into my dad’s shoulder as he hugged me and patted the back of my head. We stayed like that for a long time, until my tears dried up and my face was left puffy and tear-streaked. When I pulled away, my dad was smiling and his hand stayed against my head. He pulled at my curls.

  “You need a haircut. You’re a little shaggy, Loganberry—Logan. Sorry.”

  I laughed over a sniffle.

  “When is the last time we hung out?” He sat back, pulling himself up on his desk, his legs dangling in front of him. “Just us? Without the ladies in this house butting in?”

  I smiled and sat back down in the chair.

  “It’s been a while.” I shrugged.

  “Remember when you first learned to surf?” He frowned. “You were…eight? Nine?”

  “Nine.” I smiled.

  “You miss it?” He asked.

  “Vermont’s okay.” I knew what he was really asking. He was wanting to know if I missed California. “It’s…great, maybe.”

  “Oh, yeah?” He smiled. “I may not have natural parenting skills, but I think that means something.”

  I shrugged. He watched me for a moment.

  “You decided today to tell me you’re gay.” He stated slowly. “And now Vermont’s great maybe. Is someone making Vermont not so bad?”