by Sarah Forbes
“Oh, everyone’s supposed to get up on deck, where there are meeting stations that you wait at,” Cassie said.
“Hmm,” Elspeth said. “I wonder…”
Elspeth Hart had a very interesting idea.
The next morning, Elspeth waited next to the fire alarm on the third level. She felt very nervous. Smashing a fire alarm was pretty high up on the list of Naughty Things You Must Not Ever Do, but then again, so was stowing away on a cruise ship. And so were kidnapping people and stealing top-secret recipes. Elspeth took a deep breath and bashed the fire alarm with her elbow.
The siren was so loud that Elspeth had to cover her ears with her hands while she ran away as fast as she could. She raced down the nearest staircase and paused in an alcove, pressing her back hard against the wall, but nobody noticed her. Everyone was too busy panicking.
Jimmy McScoff the chef abandoned the huge pan of soup he was stirring and gave a yelp of fright before rushing his staff up to their emergency meeting point.
Petunia Galoshes-Gallop fainted and had to be carried up on deck by her husband.
Lady Spewitt grabbed Tinkiewinks and piled on all her diamond necklaces at once. “I shan’t leave my jewels here – if we escape in a lifeboat, they’re coming with me,” she announced.
And down in the Extremely Elegant Hair and Beauty Salon, Miss Crabb screeched, “Fire! I’m off! Save yourselves!” and shot out of the door and up the stairs two at a time. Gladys Goulash followed her and the customers ran after them with shampoo suds in their hair.
Elspeth Hart waited until the sound of hurried footsteps died down. Then, when she was absolutely sure there was no one around, she made her way into the Extremely Elegant Hair and Beauty Salon. She rifled through make-up and bottles of shampoo and the box of fifty-pound notes. She looked under tables and in cupboards and drawers and in every nook and cranny she could find, but after searching the whole place, there was no sign of the precious recipe.
It could be in their cabin, Elspeth thought. Or maybe Miss Crabb keeps the recipe with her… But just as she started moving across the corridor towards the cabin, a loud voice came over the tannoy.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS WAS A FALSE ALARM, THERE IS NO FIRE! PLEASE FEEL FREE TO RETURN TO YOUR CABINS.”
Elspeth was running out of time. She tried the handle of the cabin door, but it was locked. She started hurrying back down the corridor, but then she heard thudding footsteps and a shrill voice she recognized.
“Get back in that salon right now, Gladys Goulash! We’ve got to finish washing the customers’ hair!”
As you know, dear reader, Elspeth was brave and determined and quick-thinking, but the sound of Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash coming closer threw her into a panic. She gave a squeak of fear as she looked around for a place to hide. Where could she go? The cabin was locked, the corridor behind her was a dead end, and any minute now Miss Crabb would march through the doors and catch her. There was only one thing for it. Elspeth rushed back into the salon and dived beneath a pile of towels, pulling them over her head. She stayed perfectly still, even as the ship rolled gently from side to side, and prayed she wouldn’t be spotted.
“Gah! Where are those customers? They haven’t paid us yet!” Miss Crabb was stomping around in a rage. “Go and find them, Gladys Goulash. Go on!”
Elspeth heard the door slam. She peeped through a little gap in the pile of towels. What on earth could she do now?
“Stupid customers,” Miss Crabb muttered grumpily. She threw herself down in one of the hairdressing chairs.
After a few minutes, Miss Crabb gave a great yawn.
“Might as well have a little snooze,” Elspeth heard her say.
Elspeth remembered that at the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs, Miss Crabb liked to have a nap whenever she could. She watched closely as Miss Crabb leaned back in the chair and shut her eyes.
Please, please fall into a deep sleep so I can get out of here, thought Elspeth.
She waited in the pile of towels, not daring to move a muscle. She was in luck – in under a minute, Miss Crabb was snoring loudly with her mouth wide open. Elspeth slipped out from under the towels and crept quietly towards the door. But as she turned the handle, she glanced over to see Miss Crabb sitting up.
Her eyes were open.
She was staring straight at Elspeth.
It is quite amazing, dear reader, that Elspeth Hart did not scream at the top of her voice. She gave a yelp, but slapped her hand over her mouth to stop the sound.
Miss Crabb didn’t blink.
Elspeth wanted to run, but she couldn’t. It was as if she was stuck to the floor, she was so terrified.
Then Miss Crabb gave a huge snort and sank back down. Her eyes closed and she started snoring again.
Elspeth stared at her for a few more seconds, unable to move. Miss Crabb was still asleep! She must have sat up and opened her eyes in her sleep!
She had escaped Miss Crabb’s clutches this time … but only just.
“I think you’re ever so brave,” Cassie said that evening, handing Elspeth and Rory some sausage rolls she’d sneaked from the dinner table. “You knew those horrible ladies could have caught you. It was so dangerous. Almost as dangerous as the time I jumped off a ship and swam with sharks, and then climbed back up without anyone noticing!”
Elspeth and Rory looked at each other. Cassie’s stories were getting more and more unbelievable.
“It was scary,” Elspeth said. “But I’m not giving up. That recipe could be in their cabin. I need to get in there to search it!”
She put down her napkin and sausage roll. She felt too nervous to eat, so she lay back on her bed. The great ship had started to roll even more on the choppy seas.
“Apparently we’re in for some stormy weather,” said Cassie. “The grown-ups were all talking about it at dinner. I hope neither of you get seasick! I never do. I’m totally not scared at all.”
Elspeth wasn’t paying attention. She was staring upwards and she’d noticed something strange. The ceiling wasn’t smooth, like in a normal room. It was made up of lots of large panels.
Elspeth sat up very suddenly. “There are panels in the ceiling of every cabin,” she said. “I wonder…”
She jumped up on her bed and pushed at one of the panels with her hands. Sure enough, the panel popped up and a cold draft blew in.
“Wow! What’s up there?” asked Rory.
Lazlo scampered up to take a look.
“Oh, nothing much – just pipes and stuff,” said Cassie. “You can crawl along above all the rooms – they use it for maintenance. A boy on a cruise last summer went up for a dare, but he got really scared and came straight back down again!” Cassie laughed, but then she saw Elspeth’s face.
She was staring up into the dark space with a thoughtful look in her eyes.
“Wait, you’re not going up there, are you?” Cassie asked. “I wouldn’t. I mean, I’m not scared or anything, but it’s really dark.”
“Yes!” Elspeth said. “This is how I can get into Crabb and Goulash’s cabin! It’s perfect!”
Rory was shaking his head. “Elspeth, I’m not sure about this…”
“Don’t worry!” Elspeth said. “If the crawl space is totally secret, like Cassie says, then Crabb and Goulash will never know I’m there. I’ll just wait until they’re both busy in the salon, then I’ll sneak into their cabin.”
“Blimey, you’re really going to do it.” Cassie swallowed. She went quiet, but not for long. “Well, I heard my mum saying she’s getting her hair done tomorrow at four, so we know for certain that they’ll be busy in the salon then. Do you think you could sneak in, Elspeth? It seems awfully risky…”
“It is risky,” Elspeth said. She stared up into the musty space above her head. “But that’s exactly what I have to do.”
Elspeth had to fight to stay calm as she slithered along in the crawl space above the rooms down on level four. Cassie had said it would be pitch dark, but it wasn
’t just that – it was also very narrow and the dust kept making her cough. And to make matters worse, the ship was rolling from side to side, even more violently than before.
Elspeth was glad Rory and Lazlo were right behind her.
“Just five more panels,” she whispered. She had worked out exactly how far they would have to go to reach the cabin. She crawled along in the darkness, counting down the panels, then pulled up the one ahead of her and peered inside the room.
The horrible mess and the disgusting smell told her at once that it was Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash’s cabin.
“Bingo,” Elspeth said. “We’re in the right spot.” She glanced behind her and saw Rory’s pale face in the darkness.
“Good luck,” he hissed. “Be quick. When you’re ready to come back up, I’ll reach down and help you. I’m keeping an eye on the time.”
Elspeth drew her head back inside the shaft and wriggled until her feet were sticking down into the room. Then she let herself drop lower and lower until she landed with a soft thud on one of the beds.
She jumped up at once and looked around. Miss Crabb’s spare false teeth were sitting in a glass by the side of the bed. The smell was even stronger now Elspeth was inside the room. It smelled like a mixture of old cabbage and dirty socks.
“Yuck,” Elspeth said. But she didn’t have time to worry about the smell. She searched high and low for the precious recipe. She went through Miss Crabb’s horrible shiny blouses with sweat patches, and through Gladys Goulash’s dresses with stains and smears all over them. She searched and searched until she was about to give up. But just as she heard Rory hiss at her to come back up, Elspeth Hart lifted up Miss Crabb’s pillow and found…
Elspeth picked up the diary and flicked to the most recent entry. She had to cling on to the bedside table to stay upright as the ship swayed from side to side.
“Pssst! Elspeth! Time to get out of there!” came Rory’s anxious voice.
Elspeth glanced up. “Thirty more seconds!” she said. “I’ve got Crabb’s secret diary here!”
She scanned the page.
Elspeth was dying to read on, but she could hear footsteps outside.
“Hurry!” Rory was reaching his hands out towards Elspeth. “They’re coming!”
Elspeth stuffed the diary back under the pillow and jumped up on to the bed. She grabbed Rory’s hands and he pulled her upwards until she could scramble the rest of the way herself. They slammed the panel closed and sat on it, breathing heavily and not daring to make a noise. Even Lazlo was still for once.
The key turned in the lock and they heard Miss Crabb come into the room. She muttered and stomped about for a bit, then Gladys plodded in. Elspeth pressed her ear against the panel and strained to hear.
“They’ve been banging and shouting again, them two in the storeroom,” Gladys complained. “Can’t we shut them up?”
“Gah! Stupid little rat-faces,” Miss Crabb said. “They probably want food. Fling them some of those tomatoes from lunch.”
“I’ve done that,” Gladys said. “They went quiet for a bit, but then they started up again.”
“I’ll deal with them, Gladys Goulash,” said Miss Crabb. The icy calm of her voice made her sound very sinister indeed.
Elspeth could see Rory’s eyes get bigger as they listened. What is Crabb up to now? she wondered. She pointed back along the tunnel, and she and Rory slithered to safety.
“You found her diary? No way!” Cassie said.
They were in their cabin, telling Cassie what had happened, and brushing off the dust and cobwebs.
“Did it tell you anything useful?” asked Cassie.
“It said that the recipe was hidden somewhere nobody would dare to look!” Elspeth said.
Rory shuddered. “That could be anywhere in their room.”
“No, wait, it also said something about eyes.” Elspeth was wiping the dirt from her hands. She paused, screwed up her nose and tried to remember. “Nobody would dare to look, because there are too many spying eyes.”
“What on earth does that mean?” Cassie said.
“I’m not sure. I haven’t worked it out yet,” Elspeth said. “But there’s more. Rory, did you hear Gladys Goulash saying two people were ‘banging and shouting’? And Miss Crabb said she’d take care of it. It sounded like they had prisoners. You know who that must be…”
“Poppy and Pippy!” said Rory. “The real hair and beauty ladies!”
Elspeth nodded. “Crabb and Gladys Goulash haven’t just taken their place – they’ve got them locked up on board the ship! And we’re the only people who know they’ve been taken prisoner,” she said. “We have to get them out.”
As you know, dear reader, Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash had no idea that Elspeth Hart was on board the ship. Which is just as well, as they already had plenty of problems to deal with. Miss Crabb hadn’t bargained on Poppy and Pippy being quite so much trouble. They hadn’t given up banging and shouting, and it was becoming rather hard to cover up the noise. In fact, they seemed to get louder every day.
When Jimmy McScoff the chef came in for a haircut on the fourth day of the voyage, he was sure he could hear a strange thumping noise. To make things worse, the sea had become horribly choppy, so Miss Crabb was struggling to stay steady on her feet. She got halfway through Jimmy McScoff’s haircut, then gave up using scissors and spiked it all up with a comb.
He looked at himself in the mirror uncertainly. “I’m not sure this is quite what I asked for…” he said. Then the thumping noise came from down the corridor, louder this time. “What’s that?” he asked, trying to get up and have a look.
Miss Crabb pushed him firmly back into the chair. “Not finished yet!” she shrieked. “We need to put some more hairspray on that lovely top section.” She hurried into the next room, where Gladys Goulash was supposed to be cleaning. Instead she was dipping her finger into a pot of hair dye and tasting it. This, dear reader, is a dangerous and deadly thing to do, and you should never try it at home. Ever.
“Get in that room and make some noise,” Miss Crabb hissed, dragging Gladys away from the hair dye. “The chef can hear banging from down the corridor. You need to distract him. Put on your music and do some dancing.”
“Dancing? I can’t do dancing!” said Gladys. “You know how I feel about exercise. I haven’t done any for years.”
“Do it, turnip brain!” Miss Crabb grabbed Gladys Goulash’s arm and hauled her back into the other room. She grinned at Jimmy McScoff, showing her yellow teeth. “My colleague will now perform a traditional dance for you,” said Miss Crabb.
“Look, I haven’t got time for this,” said Jimmy McScoff. He tried to stand up again, but Miss Crabb pushed him back down. “She’d be so insulted if you left,” she said smoothly, patting him on the arm. “It’s only polite to stay.”
Miss Crabb jabbed at the CD player and Gladys’s Highland Bagpipe Classics started playing at top volume.
Dear reader, you may have seen amazing things, either in real life or on TV. Maybe you have seen monsters. Maybe you have seen elephants or sloths. But you have never seen anything like Gladys Goulash dancing on a cruise ship in the middle of a storm. First she stamped one foot, then the next. Then she whirled her arms around so a strong smell of sweat wafted over to Jimmy McScoff. She jumped up and down, which made the whole room shudder, and then she tried to do a spin and fell on her bum.
The thudding and squealing of the bagpipes meant that Jimmy McScoff completely forgot about the strange thumping noise.
Miss Crabb narrowed her eyes. She would have to shut up Poppy and Pippy for good … before they gave her away.
Back in their cabin, Elspeth, Cassie and Rory were sitting on the floor in a circle. Huge waves crashed against the porthole, and every so often Rory looked outside and gave a shudder. The storm was making the ship lurch from side to side.
“So,” Elspeth said, “this is the plan. I’ll go back through the ventilation shaft into Crabb’s cabin tomor
row, when we know they’re busy in the beauty salon. Rory, you come with me like last time, to help me get back out again. I’m going to find that recipe if it’s the last thing I do!”
“What about me? What can I do?” asked Cassie.
“Well, we’ve got to rescue Poppy and Pippy, too,” Elspeth said. She thought for a moment. “When Miss Crabb realizes the recipe is missing, she’ll probably start charging around looking for it,” Elspeth said. “At that point, you could sneak into Crabb and Goulash’s cabin, grab her keys and release Poppy and Pippy from the salon storeroom!”
“Yes!” Cassie said, her eyes bright.
“Great,” said Elspeth. She pulled the newspaper out of her rucksack and handed it to Cassie. “Once you’ve done that, you’ll have to go straight to the captain. Show her the newspaper as proof and tell her what Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash are up to.”
Cassie tucked the paper under her arm. “I can do that,” she said, sounding excited. “But what will you do, once you’ve got the recipe back?”
“As soon as we get the recipe, we’ll come back here to our cabin and stay out of sight,” Elspeth said. “Then, when the ship docks in New York, we’ll need to sneak off without being seen.”
“But why?” Cassie looked confused. “Once everyone knows that Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash are criminals, they’ll look after you, won’t they?”
“The thing is, I don’t want to be looked after!” Elspeth explained. “Once I’ve got the recipe back, I need to find my parents. I don’t trust grown-ups to help me. If they get involved, they’ll put me in some horrible place for children, which would probably be even worse than the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs. Then they’d take over the searching and not let me do anything. I can’t let that happen!”