The Time Travelling Taxman Series Box Set

by Rachel Ford

  “He’s right,” Josh said, and his tone was low. “There’s nothing else we can do, Nance. Either we go down with him, or he goes down alone.” The marine wrapped an arm around her. “There’s nothing our being involved any longer will do to help him, though.”

  When Li returned from their clandestine feeding session, they stumbled into a room of three very sober humans. What the alien thought of the scene, with the human female wrapped in the arm of one human male, her eyes fixed on and her hand ensconced in the palm of the other, was anyone’s guess. “Did I miss something?”

  Alfred cleared his throat, and got to his feet. “We have to leave, Li. Tonight.”

  “Oh. Oh, that is too bad. I have not had a chance to tell Nancy of my rattle with that bottom-pinching snake.”

  “It’ll have to wait,” the taxman said. “I’m sorry.”

  “Well, no matter.”

  “I should redo your makeup, Li. It’s starting to wear off.”

  “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

  “Go wash it off, and we’ll get started.” To Alfred, she smiled, a sad kind of smile. “At least the disguise will be fresh.”

  He nodded. He appreciated her willingness to help, and her reasoning was sound; but the fact was, he wanted to be on the road sooner than later. He didn’t trust his voice, or his heart, around her. If she was in danger, and he was the cause of it, he needed to be away from her as soon as possible.

  “I’ll get some food ready, too,” Josh said. “A lot of food, so you won’t have to stop more than necessary. And you’ll need a ride. I can-” A noise sounded, very faint to the taxman’s ears. But Josh broke off suddenly, his eyes darting to the door. “Get down!”

  In an instant, the marine wrapped Nancy in his arms and dove behind the counter with her. A second later, the front door burst open, and a flash bang grenade detonated. It was loud and bright, and Alfred’s head rang. He stumbled blindly, impacting with first the refrigerator then the countertop.

  He heard distant shouting – or, perhaps, shouting close at hand, but seeming distant through the ringing in his ears. “Nancy,” he said. “Nancy, run!”

  Hands grabbed at him, and he found himself pressed into the refrigerator while his arms were drawn behind him. Someone was shouting in his ear, but he couldn’t understand what was being said.

  Cuffs were slapped on him. Slowly, his hearing returned. Or maybe it was not slow at all; fear and pain made every second seem to stretch. At any rate, he heard a voice saying, “Where’s Li’Muldan? What have you done with him?”

  Alfred blinked, turning his head toward the speaker. Shoved up against the appliance, his face pressed against the cold door, it was not easy. But he managed to get a glimpse that confirmed the identity of his captor. “Mike Cassidy,” he choked out.

  The same set of hands spun him around, and he found himself face to face with the graying retiree. Only this time, the jeans and alien getup had been swapped for a bullet-proof vest and a nondescript uniform. “Where’s the alien, dirtbag?”

  At the same time, the dulcet tones of Li’s voice carried into the kitchen; and everyone started. “Mike! What a surprise. So this is why we had to leave: you were joining us.”

  Cassidy dropped Alfred, and rushed to the alien’s side. “Ambassador Muldan,” he said. “Are you alright?”

  The taxman, meanwhile, threw an anxious glance around the room for Nancy and Josh. They were similarly detained by agents, staring with wide-eyed wonder. Detained, but, at least, unharmed.

  “Alright? Of course, Mike. My friend Alfred, and my friends Nancy and Josh, have taken the best of care of me.”

  “Friends?” Mike frowned.

  “Oh yes. We are fast friends now.” But here the alien paused to turn confused eyes around the room. “But tell me, Mike, why are my friends restrained?”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Alfred’s body relaxed a degree when the cuffs were removed. Mike Cassidy was laughing in a forced manner. “Oh, the cuffs? Those were just a precaution.”

  “Against what?” Li wondered.

  “Just in case.”

  “In case of what?”

  “Wait a minute,” Nancy said, “what’s going on here? Who are you people? Do you know them, Li?”

  “Know them? Oh yes, Nancy. Mike is a friend of mine.”

  “A friend?” Alfred repeated. “He is?”

  “Yes, of course. He was assigned to meet me in the sand prairies of Nevada.”

  “Meet you?” Josh said. “So you mean, you weren’t kidnapped? You weren’t being tortured in an underground prison facility?”

  Li stared at him with astonished eyes. “Goodness no.” The alien shuddered with a measure of horror. “What a thing to think, Josh Stevenson.”

  Cassidy laughed again, and it sounded even more forced this time. “He’s just joking.”

  “Oh.” The Geejayan’s expression relaxed. “It was not a very fun jest, Josh.”

  “No, he has a terrible sense of humor,” Mike agreed. “But, Ambassador, why don’t you go with Fredricks here? We’ve got a shuttle waiting. I’ll just wrap up with your friends, and I’ll be right out.”

  “Oh.” Li’s disappointment was palpable. “I suppose I must say goodbye, then. But Alfred is coming with us, isn’t he?”

  “Is he?”

  “He said so,” they nodded. “Just earlier. And I should like very much if he would.”

  “Well, I’ll see what we can do, Ambassador.”

  Li smiled until the blues of their eyes were hidden, and nodded. “Very well. I shall leave it in your capable hands, Mike. Goodbye Nancy. Goodbye Josh. I am grateful for your assistance. And I shall never forget your skill at disguises, Miss Nancy. You are Merlin.”

  They murmured confused goodbyes, and everyone watched in silence as the Geejayan was escorted outside. Then, everyone seemed to speak at once.

  “What in God’s name is going on here?” Josh demanded. “You keep calling him ‘Ambassador.’ Are you telling me you hadn’t kidnapped him?”

  At the same time, Mike Cassidy exclaimed, “Why the hell did you kidnap Ambassador Muldan?”

  Nancy wondered more generally, “What just happened?”

  And Alfred said, “Why were you holding an ambassador in a prison cell?”

  “A prison cell? What the hell are you talking about?” Cassidy said. “You were there, in the embassy – I watched you on the surveillance tapes.”

  “They were cells,” Alfred protested. “Concrete and glass.”

  Cassidy’s eyes narrowed on him. “They’re concrete because it’s a goddamned bunker, you moron. And glass because Geejayan homes are built of glass. But did you see any locks? Any guards? You know, the usual things you put in prisons?”

  The taxman blinked at the questions. Josh took the opportunity presented by his silence to repeat his thoughts, “Are you telling me Li’Muldan was never in danger?”

  “In danger? My God, you people are stupid. He was only in danger when this fucktard kidnapped him.”

  “Kidnapped?” Alfred gaped. “I didn’t kidnap him. I rescued him.”

  “Rescued? Rescued him from an embassy he’d traveled years to visit, covered twelve light years to see?”

  If looks could kill, Alfred felt certain he’d have been a dead man, standing on the receiving end of Cassidy’s glare. He gulped. “Uh…yes.”

  “Listen,” Nancy said, “Mike, we thought Li was a prisoner. We thought-”

  “You should have kept your noses out of it.”

  “That was my fault,” Alfred put in quickly. “They didn’t know anything about it.”

  Cassidy’s glower deepened. “Then you’re an imbecile. And they’re greater imbeciles for listening to you.”

  “But we weren’t trying to cause trouble. We thought we were preventing an intergalactic war.”

  “Preventing? You’re lucky Ambassador Muldan is so damned agreeable. You could have caused an intergalactic war.”

  “But we didn’
t,” Nancy pointed out. “And we acted with the best of intentions. And Li has had a great time – ask them yourself.”

  “A great time? Do you know how long it takes a Geejayan ship to get to our sector of space? Do you know how much precious time you’ve wasted?”

  “A misunderstanding,” she urged. “That’s all it was.”

  “And about two dozen broken federal laws into the process.”

  Alfred felt his face drain of blood. “That…that was me,” he repeated.

  “Why do you keep copping to things, dumbass?” Cassidy frowned at him.

  “I…just…they weren’t involved.”

  “Maybe not in the kidnapping –”

  “Misunderstanding,” Nancy corrected.

  “But they broke enough laws on their own in aiding and abetting you.”

  “Josh was innocent,” she put in. “He didn’t know what we were doing.”

  Cassidy turned an icy stare at her. “Can it, Miss Abbot. We’ve got surveillance of all of you morons traipsing around together.”

  “Oh.”

  “I should put you all up on charges. You’d never see the light of day again, with the laws you’ve broken.”

  “I’d really prefer,” Alfred said meekly, “a different option.”

  Cassidy sighed. “Lucky for you, the ambassador seems to have taken a shine to you.”

  “A what?”

  “Goddamn,” he growled. “It’s wearing off on me.”

  “What is?”

  “The slang. Never mind.” He shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts. “Anyway, Muldan likes you. He apparently doesn’t realize just what a pack of morons you are. And you haven’t gone public with your story.”

  “Of course not,” Josh said quickly. “We’re not looking for shit.”

  “And anyway, who would believe us?” Nancy added.

  “Exactly.” Now, finally, Cassidy grinned. “So, all things considered, it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth to jail you.”

  “Definitely,” Alfred said.

  “You’re not off the hook yet, dumbass.”

  “Oh.” The taxman gulped.

  “I’m going to let you two go, but so help me, if I even see you breathe near Landing Zone Earth…”

  Nancy shook her head and Josh assured him they wouldn’t dream of it.

  “Good. And don’t forget it. Because I won’t be so forgiving next time.”

  “What about Alfred?” she ventured.

  He grimaced, repeating, “What about Alfred? Well, Muldan says you’re his friend. So for the time being, you’re going to come with us.”

  “Am I…in trouble?”

  “Of course you’re in trouble, you nosebleed.” Cassidy growled. “Fucking hell. Anyway, of course you’re in trouble. If you mean are you going to jail, probably not. If you cooperate.”

  “I’m very cooperative,” Alfred hastened to assure.

  The agent just rolled his eyes. “Great. Let’s go, Mr. Cooperative. Your friend awaits.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Alfred’s phone was confiscated, and he was assigned two dour guards. “For your protection, of course,” Cassidy said.

  The taxman rather doubted it, but didn’t argue. He didn’t dare. Either of his new shadows looked like they could snap him in two without much effort.

  They traveled to a private airport, and from the airport back to Nevada by chopper. Alfred flew in a bird separate from Li’Muldan – but not his dual escort. When they landed, Cassidy took charge of him.

  “Well,” he said, “you certainly made a good impression on the ambassador.”

  “Oh…that’s good.”

  “For you.”

  The taxman gulped.

  “He’s requested – I was afraid he would – we keep you on. He says he wants to continue his ‘cultural exploration’ with you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means, we conduct the business, and you get to entertain him.”

  “How?”

  “He’s got a list. Apparently, he’s put some thought into this.”

  “A list of what?”

  “Places he wants to visit. Zoos, aquariums, theaters, restaurants. He says you and Nancy – Miss Abbot – disguised him so he could freely mingle?”

  Alfred explained their method of disguise, and the agent shook his head. “Ingenious, but damned dangerous. Still, now that the idea’s fixed in his head, I don’t think we’re going to shake it. So get some sleep, Mr. Favero. I hope you like fish. Tomorrow, once my people are done with him, you’re going to the Georgia aquarium.”

  The taxman’s next week was spent exactly as Cassidy predicted. He was kept under close surveillance by his attentive “protection detail” in the Area 51 embassy. But, when Li’Muldan’s business wrapped up, they’d be ferried out by plane or helicopter, depending on the distance, to whatever attraction the alien had selected.

  In the first few days of this strange seclusion, Alfred had barely time to wrap his head around events. But then, he began to feel the full weight of what a fool he’d been. He played over in his mind the conversations he and Li had had, and the innocent remarks that he’d misinterpreted.

  All of this, Cassidy had instructed him to keep from Li. “If someone he trusts thinks so little of his country as to assume we’d kidnap and torture him, who knows what conclusions he’ll come to.” This certainly had done nothing to ease Alfred’s feelings of shame.

  The alien, however, was not so naïve as either man assumed. On the fifth day of their new life, he confided to Alfred, “This has been a most exciting caper, you know.”

  “I’m glad,” the taxman said, a bit dejectedly.

  “Do not be so down on yourself, Alfred Favero. You made the best decisions you could based on a limited dataset.”

  “What?”

  “You didn’t know any better.”

  “Oh.”

  “Still, the experience does illustrate the usefulness of acting only after a full understanding of the facts is had. But you know something, Alfred?” The alien smiled. “I’m glad you did not. If you did not think I was in trouble, I should never have met you. And that would have been most unfortunate. I have had a blast.”

  Alfred blinked, wondering just how much Li knew. “Oh…uh…”

  Their smile grew broader. “Oh, I figured it out when they put you in handcuffs, Alfred.”

  “Oh.”

  “Mike thinks he is very clever, and, of course, I do not wish to hurt his feelings by letting on that I know the secret. But it never made much sense to me that we would have to lie low, or that I should need to wear a disguise. Except that you thought I was in trouble, and you meant to help me.” Li placed a hand on his shoulder. “And that, Alfred, makes you an even dearer friend.” Then, they shrugged. “Impetuous and misguided. But dear.”

  “Thanks. I think.”

  “You are most welcome. And, know, Alfred Favero, that your name shall live on in Geejayan history. I shall document our time together, that posterity might know the bravery and service of my friend Alfred. They shall know of our adventures together. They shall know how you introduced me to the common ways of your people, to the nuances of your culture. And, even if your species does destroy itself, you will be remembered for as long as mine survives.”

  Again, the taxman was uncertain of the compliment paid. But he accepted it with a show of gratefulness.

  “But come. The Louvre awaits.”

  The week passed before Alfred knew it. When Friday rolled around, Sand Plains was hosting another UFO festival. The crowds were pouring in, and the town was overrun in conspiracy theorists and extraterrestrial enthusiasts.

  “Isn’t that dangerous?” the taxman wondered. “Won’t people see the ship coming in?”

  “You ever hear the adage about hiding things on the mantle?” Cassidy asked. They certainly weren’t on friendly terms now, but the agent, in the intervening days since he’d arrived, had grown to hate Alfred less than
he had initially.

  “Yes.”

  “Well…” He shrugged. “If we have UFOs flying in here without cover, people are going to see them, and there’s going to be trouble. But when we have a festival, and pretend it’s part of the show…”

  “Oh.” Alfred nodded. “That’s ingenious.”

  “It’s always worked. Until you showed up, anyway.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “And even if someone does see something strange…with that many kooks around, who is going to take them seriously?”

  Alfred considered this, and thought to his own early days in Sand Plains. He thought of the people he’d met, the Trent Warwicks and Phil Fletchers. “No one,” he decided.

  “Exactly.”

  “But why hide at all? The Geejayans are obviously a friendly people. Why keep them a secret?”

  “That’s above my pay grade. But the consensus from on high is that we’re not ready. People, I mean; we’re not ready to accept that we aren’t alone out there.” He shrugged. “And, knowing what I know of humanity, I can’t say I disagree.”

  Alfred thought about that, and found himself agreeing again. He remembered Josh’s reaction, and his talk of national security. He remembered Phil’s fantasies about alien seeding. He remembered the museum’s chronicles of imagined abductions, and all the fanciful stories people had told – told, and eagerly consumed. “No,” he said at last, “I guess we’re not ready.”

  As evening approached, Li made ready to leave. “I will miss you, my dear friend.”

  “I’ll miss you too,” Alfred said, and he sincerely meant it.

  “Perhaps someday I will return.”

  “I hope you’ll look me up, if you do.”

  The alien smiled until their eyes vanished. “I will.”

  “Well,” Cassidy said, “we should probably get going. The cart’s waiting.”

  Li nodded. “I reflect with great fondness on our time together, Alfred Favero. In my time with you, I have eaten your foods, I have lived in your homes, I have traveled your streets. I have even been sexually harassed by one of your males.”