The Time Travelling Taxman Series Box Set

by Rachel Ford

  Cassidy gaped, and he turned accusatory eyes at the taxman. “Not me!” Alfred flushed.

  “Oh, no,” the alien hastened to explain. “Alfred behaved in only the most gallant fashion. But do not fear for my safety, Commander Cassidy. I flattened the offender’s nose.”

  “Oh.” Mike seemed at a loss as for how to respond to that. “That’s…uh…good.”

  Li smiled. “Yes. But I have had all of these experiences because of you, Alfred. Before, my knowledge of your species was gleaned only from television programs and news broadcasts and literature. But now I have lived the experiences of your people. I have walked and eaten among them. I am forever in your debt.”

  Now, the Geejayan turned to Mike. “And to you, Mike Cassidy, I am also indebted. The media trove you have gifted my people, of your new human shows and movies, will be invaluable in our further interactions.”

  “Of course,” the agent nodded. “And let me say, I am honored to have met you, too, Ambassador.”

  “Well then,” Li said, “there’s nothing that remains to be said, except, catch you later, alligator.”

  And with that, the alien departed.

  Chapter Thirty

  Alfred was debriefed the next morning. At least, in name it was called a debriefing. In reality, it was more a series of threats and warnings – a rundown of all the ways Uncle Sam would find and destroy him if he ever opened his mouth about his experiences with Li’Muldan.

  “I already told you,” he protested after three or four hours of this, “I won’t say anything. But that still doesn’t clear up the tax fraud issue.”

  Cassidy glared at him. “You realize Landing Zone Earth is just a front, right, for Area Fifty-One?”

  “Of course I do. Now. But that doesn’t mean you can be sloppy in your tax filings.” Cassidy’s jaw clenched, and he hastened to add, “Look, if I could figure out something was wrong, somebody else is going to stumble onto it sooner or later, and you’re going to wind up in the same mess.”

  “I told you I’d have my lawyers look into it. Well, I did. Turns out Department of Defense has this place under their budget. So the filings you saw were accurate, for the finances we touched.” Alfred was about to protest that this was only looking for trouble when he held up a hand. “I’ve got them looking into how we can fix that, just in case we run into another nosy bastard with too much time on his hands, who thinks he’s found a discrepancy.”

  The taxman frowned, but didn’t argue. Eventually, the debriefing wrapped up. “There’ll be a plane for you tomorrow. Needless to say, Mr. Favero, I hope I never see you again.”

  “You won’t,” Alfred promised.

  “Good. Oh, and one other thing.”

  “Yes?”

  “That girl of yours, Nancy? She’s been calling every day, multiple times a day, trying to find out where you are and see if you’re okay.” Cassidy shook his head, as if he was annoyed. But the expression didn’t quite make it to his eyes. “You better make sure you let her know you’re alright, so I don’t have to head down there and arrest her for harassing a government office.”

  The taxman’s suspension ended Monday morning, and he marched into Caspersen’s office ready to plead drunkenness and beg for mercy. But she cut him off before he’d even had a chance to begin. “I had a very interesting conversation with some men from Department of Defense, Alfred.”

  He gulped. “You…did?”

  “Yes. They told me to expect you back today.”

  “Did they say anything else?”

  She smiled evasively. “Anything concrete? Oh, no. They were far too good at their jobs for that. But I was given to understand that there was some manner of ‘misunderstanding’, and that you were not drunk.”

  “Oh.”

  “So I’m going to rescind the suspension, and issue you backpay.”

  “Oh.” Alfred’s tone was a little brighter. After everything he’d spent on Li, backpay would come in handy. “Then…I’m free to resume my duties?”

  She nodded, and he rose to leave. “Alfred?”

  “Yes?”

  “That story you told me, about seeing an alien?”

  “Yes?”

  “That was made up, right?”

  Alfred smiled. “I’m not at liberty to say, Director.”

  “Ah. Of course.”

  He walked to the door, and turned before exiting. “But Caspersen?”

  “Yes?”

  “I never lie to you.”

  Leaving her to ponder that in all its implications, he headed to his own office.

  Like a spider waiting for the kill, Justin was waiting for him to pass. “Freddie,” he called, “good to see your smiling face again. Caspersen let you back into the building, then?”

  “Busy, Justin,” he declared, shutting his office door after him. He logged into his computer, and stared at his inbox. Three-hundred and forty-three unread emails. His eyes hurt just thinking about that.

  He got up, and marched out of the office again.

  “I wasn’t sure we were going to see you again,” Justin called as he passed. “There were some scary looking dudes asking questions about you while you were off, you know.”

  He ignored this, and turned his steps to the nerd bunker. In his time in Area 51, he’d had time to think. And when he wasn’t thinking about what an imbecile he’d been, he spent it thinking about Nancy Abbot. And he’d come to the conclusion that he wasn’t done fighting for her. He’d never explicitly told her that he cared for her. He’d done a lot of stupid, and a few courageous, things these past few weeks. But he hadn’t faced the single most important, and terrifying, challenge of his life. He was going to do it. He was going to tell her how he felt, and what a fool he’d been. And if she still chose Josh afterwards, well, at least he would know he tried. He’d still lose, but at least he wouldn’t lose because of cowardice.

  Jeff Filmore spotted him first as he entered. “Well they didn’t fire you, I guess,” he said, and seemed rather disappointed by the revelation. “We were taking bets.”

  Alfred went on. Nancy’s door was open, and he could see her inside. He walked to the doorway, and then knocked.

  She glanced up, and her eyes sparkled. “Alfred.”

  “Nancy. Can I come in?”

  “Of course.”

  “Great. I…uh…wanted to tell you about…well, what happened.”

  She nodded eagerly. “Get the door.” He did, and then stood, fidgeting nervously. He saw the teddy bear, the one Li had won, on a shelf by her video game figurines. “Well?”

  “Actually, Nance, that wasn’t the only reason I’m here.”

  “Oh?”

  “The thing is…well…that is…” He cleared his throat. “Are you free this weekend?”

  “All of it?”

  “Well, some of it, at least. I know you and Josh probably have plans…”

  She shook her head. “No, actually, Alfred.”

  “You’re not free?”

  “Josh and I don’t have plans.” She smiled, a bittersweet smile. “We broke up, Alfred. That is, I broke up with him.”

  The taxman felt his heart soar. “You did?”

  She nodded. “The thing is…I think he’s not my type.”

  “Of course not, Nance,” he said emphatically. “You’re way too smart for that jarhead.”

  She frowned at him now. “That’s not what I meant, Alfred. Josh is plenty smart. It’s just…he’s not my type.” She shrugged. “I like older guys.”

  “Well,” he said, “there’s something to be said for maturity.”

  “Grumpier,” she continued. “More self-absorbed. Less thoughtful. Sometimes, a little denser.”

  He was frowning now, his hope that she’d go out with him quickly fading. “That sounds awful, Nance.”

  She nodded. “I know.” There was a twinkle in her eye that he didn’t quite comprehend. “What can I say? I have terrible taste in men. Speaking of…would you like to get dinner some time, Alfred?
”

  He blinked. “You mean…a date?” She nodded again, and then he frowned, comprehending, at last, what she’d been saying. “Me? You mean, I’m your type?”

  “Apparently. So, is it a yes?”

  He wasn’t even annoyed by her description of him. He’d earned that, fair and square. “Of course.”

  “Good.” She smiled. “How about tonight?”

  “Tonight?” He hesitated. “I don’t know. I’ve got that report for…” He trailed off as her eyebrows rose. “Actually,” he decided, “that’ll wait. Tonight sounds perfect.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Alfred returned to his desk all smiles. He’d just sat down when his phone buzzed with an application alert. “You’ve been tagged in a post by Nancy Abbot,” it said.

  Unlocking the phone to see what she’d tagged him in, the taxman felt his heart skip a beat. “Nancy Abbot is in a relationship with Alfred Favero.”

  He liked the post. Then, he changed his like to a love. Then, he updated his own relationship status, so that it read “Alfred Favero is in a relationship with Nancy Abbot.” And, just for good measure, he loved his own status update, too.

  A moment later, a text from Nancy flashed across his screen. “There we go. Now it’s official.”

  He grinned, and the grin only broadened when her message was followed by a gif of a dancing lady, captioned with, “It’s internet official.”

  He hesitated, wondering if he dared send back a heart emoji. They’d only, officially, been boyfriend and girlfriend for three-quarters of an hour. They hadn’t even gone out on a date yet. Was that too soon? In the end, he settled on a cat with hearts in lieu of eyes. That, he decided, was a little safer. You can’t go wrong with a cartoon cat.

  He’d just hit the send button when a message from an unknown number popped up. It read, “Groovy, Alfred. I knew you could do it. This will be a happy conclusion to my report on my observations of human mating rituals. A happy ending for my report, but a happy beginning for you. Long life and many happy returns to you and Nancy. Catch you later, alligator.”

  When the taxman tried to reply, he received an error that said the message could not go through. He was not surprised. But he smiled all the same. He didn’t need to respond to know where the text had come from. No one but Nancy and a handful of government spooks would believe him, of course.

  But Alfred knew: it had come from an alien who had walked among humans, an extraterrestrial en route from Earth to his home world. It had come from his friend, Li’Muldan.

  “Catch you later, alligator,” he said, to no one in particular.

  MarvelousCon & Tax Cons

  Book 3

  by Rachel Ford

  Chapter One

  Alfred Favero frowned. “You want me to go to what, now?”

  “MarvelousCon,” Nancy Abbot answered.

  “Yes, I heard that. But what is MarvelousCon?”

  “It’s a convention celebrating Marvelous Detective Comics. Well, not just them. All things geeky.”

  He groaned. “Oh. A nerd fest.”

  She grinned. “You’ll fit right in. Especially if you match my cosplay.”

  “Your what?”

  “Cosplay. I was thinking I’d be Jadzia – Dax, from Star Trek – and you could be Spock. You know, from The Original Series. He was-”

  He raised a hand to halt the detour into further explanation. He was not such a Luddite as to be completely unfamiliar with the show that arguably spawned modern sci-fi. That he couldn’t stand it was another matter. “Just because I have taste doesn’t mean I don’t know who the characters are.” He frowned. “But, wait a minute, wasn’t Jadzia from a different series?”

  “Yes,” she nodded. “But that’s okay. She thought Spock was cute.”

  “She did?”

  “Yes. She saw him when they crossed back in time, in episode-”

  “Never mind.” He was sorry he asked. “My point is, that’s stretching.”

  “Yes,” she agreed, grinning. “But Jadzia’s my favorite character, and you remind me of a Spock.”

  “I do?”

  “You do. Smart, tall, cute, too serious for your own good…and, you’ll look good in pointy ears…”

  He frowned. “You don’t think I’m more a Captain Kirk type?” In his mind, the daring captain of the Enterprise seemed a better match than a reedy science officer.

  She laughed, until she realized he was serious. Then, forcing an apologetic soberness onto her features, she said, “Not particularly. But if you do, we can definitely go that route.”

  His frown, though, had deepened. “I didn’t say I was going to do it anyway. I just don’t think I’m a good match for the Vulcan.”

  She smiled, leaning over to peck him on the cheek. “See? You’re learning.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You knew Spock was a Vulcan.” She raised an eyebrow. “I’ll bet you didn’t know that before you started dating me.”

  “No,” he admitted. “I didn’t. But I still like you anyway.” He grinned and she laughed.

  “Well? What do you think? I’ve already got the hotel – I had to reserve that months ago. And the package I got came with a guest ticket. All you’ll have to do is come with me.”

  “And wear a silly costume,” he reminded her.

  “It won’t be silly. And you’ll be dashing.”

  He harrumphed. “In pointy ears?” Still, a part of him preened, just a little. “I don’t know.”

  “Well,” she said, leaning over to kiss him again, this time on the lips, “think about it, alright?”

  He smiled. “Alright.”

  “I better get going, or we’re both going to be late.”

  He nodded. They were in the entry to his house, spending their last free moments of the morning with each other. Now, she’d head to work in her own car, and he’d head in in his a few minutes later. Everyone knew that they were dating, but they’d decided they didn’t need to feed the office gossip mill any more than strictly necessary. So when he spent the night at her house, or she at his – and that was most nights now – they’d arrive separately.

  How serious things had gotten might just have been the worst kept secret in their department’s history, though. The sight of Nancy was like a shot of dopamine straight to his veins. Even Director Caspersen had commented on his habit of grinning stupidly at her approach. But it wasn’t just Caspersen.

  Nancy’s decision to date one of the number crunchers – how those in IT referred to analysts like himself – wasn’t well received by residents of the nerd bunker – the name analysts like himself gave the IT wing. Nancy was team lead for the department’s Information Technology crew, and some of her subordinates saw dating one of the number crunchers as – in her words – “going over to the dark side.”

  For his own part, Alfred’s interest in Nancy had attracted the particular attention of his next-door office neighbor, Justin Lyon. It had been annoying before they were actually dating, but once they were official, the other analyst’s nosiness had seemed to go into overdrive. His first reaction to the news had been, “Well Freddie, this is a first for you, isn’t it? An interoffice romance, I mean?” He’d followed it up with, “Hell, she’s got to be your first girlfriend since I started here. And that was twelve years ago.”

  Nowadays, Alfred took the long way to his office, just so he wouldn’t pass Justin’s door and be subjected to his commentary. Like a snake adapting to a changing environment, though, Lyon had evolved keen hearing that seemed to sense his particular step so it was rare to go a morning without a, “How’s Freddie today?” or “Well, someone’s in a good mood.”

  Still, he tried. And when that failed, he’d remind his colleague, “It’s Alfred. I don’t do nicknames, remember?”

  He didn’t really care too much, though. Lyon had always been an irritant. A cruder man than Alfred might have called him a pain in the ass. But, disdaining such language, in his mind the taxman relegat
ed his colleague to a pain in the buns. At the end of the day, being with Nancy, his own queen of the nerds, was worth putting up with anything Justin had to say.

  This morning was no different. He walked with a light step, and still heard the call of, “Freddie!” as he reached his office.

  “Morning,” he said, ducking inside quickly.

  Justin poked his head in a moment later. “How’s Nance today?”

  Alfred shrugged. “Ask her yourself. She’s on messenger.”

  “I just assumed you’d already seen her. Since you’re late.”

  Alfred frowned at Lyon, then at the clock. It was, he saw, three minutes after the hour. “I’m just glad,” he sniffed, “we’ve finally got through that backlog so you have so much time to devote to keeping tabs on me.”

  Lyon laughed, then glanced down the hall. “Oh, well look at that. Here she is. Morning Nance.”

  “Morning Justin.” It was said in a cordial way, but Alfred knew Nancy well enough to hear the dread in her tones.

  “Oh, is that for me?”

  “No, it’s not for you.”

  Justin affected a disappointed air. “Shucks.” Nance stepped into view now, two cups of coffee in hand, and he stepped out of the way just enough to let her squeeze past. “One of these days you’ll remember.”

  “Probably not.”

  He laughed again. “Well, I won’t keep you two. I’m sure you’ve got lots to discuss.” With a grin at Alfred, he added, “Gotta tackle that backlog, eh, Freddie?”

  “It’s Alfred,” the taxman reminded him with a sigh.

  Nancy shook her head after Justin had gone, and they exchanged a mutual grimace. Then, she handed him the coffee. “I picked one up for you.”

  “Thanks, Nance.” He took a sip and sighed. It was his signature latte – extra shot, extra sweet – and, as usual, she’d gotten it perfect.

  “No problem. Hey, I forgot to tell you, I’m may be late tonight.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. Josh has an interview, and his car’s still in the shop, so I’m driving him. I cleared it with Caspersen, so I’m heading out early. I’ll make the time up later.”