A Matter of Heart

by Tracie Peterson

  “Son, that has to be about the saddest story I’ve ever heard. What a heavy load to carry, and all alone.”

  “Well, sir, that’s the problem. I’m not bearing it alone now. I told your daughter about it. I’m afraid I might have offended her.”

  Atherton shook his head. “Here I figured you were tryin’ to work up the nerve to propose to my girl, when all the while you were sufferin’.”

  “I’m not really suffering,” Austin admitted. “I’ve dealt with their deaths, but my folks died without ever forgiving me for my own brother’s death. It’s their anger and hatred that I can’t seem to forget.”

  “Ah, Austin, good folks like you described couldn’t have really hated you. They were grief stricken, and folks in grief often say things they don’t mean. I remember during the war when I had to tell a young man that two of his brothers had been killed. I was his superior, but he looked me in the eyes and told me that if I’d done a better job of leading, his brothers would still be alive. Then he threw a punch at me, but I dodged it. Finally, he told me he was quittin’ the war. He figured to head back here to Texas and break the news to his folks.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I let him go.”

  “Just like that? I mean there would’ve been repercussions for desertion.”

  “Yes, if he had really deserted. He came back about an hour later, apologized, and said he was ready to take his punishment for what he’d said and done.”

  “But you didn’t punish him, did you?”

  Atherton smiled. “No. He was a good man, and I knew it was his pain talkin’, not him. After that we were good friends. He even worked several years at my ranch after his folks passed and their place had to be sold to pay off debts.”

  “I wish my folks could have forgiven me. I never saw them again after that night. They refused my attempts to reconcile and told their house servants to turn me away. I wanted to make things right, to be back in their good graces.” He shook his head. “They were God-fearing people who raised me to believe in forgiveness, but they had none to offer.”

  “Don’t be so sure, son. I would imagine your folks had a load of regret that overwhelmed the forgiving act.” Atherton scratched his jaw. “Regret is a powerful thing. A lot of times folks give in to it, and it eats them up. Unless, of course, they learn to give it over to the Lord.”

  “For them, I guess that was easier said than done.”

  Atherton got to his feet and fixed Austin with a sympathetic expression. “I wasn’t talkin’ about them, son.” He walked to the door and paused. “Come on back to the party. The gals will be breakin’ out the Christmas cookies and candy, and I do not intend to miss out. ’Sides that, I’m bettin’ my girl is wonderin’ why you haven’t been seekin’ her out for conversation.”

  Austin was surprised, but he felt a sense of relief. He got to his feet and followed the older man back to the party. He’d no sooner rejoined the party when he spied Jessica stepping outside. Since it was already dark, Austin thought to see where she was headed.

  He crossed the room, and those who were still playing charades roared with laughter as Jake did his best to act out something that looked rather painful to Austin. The feeling of happiness and family encircled him once again. If only it could last.

  Stepping outside, Austin found Jessica standing on the porch just a few feet away. “I saw you come outside and thought maybe something was wrong.”

  “I just needed a little air,” she said, smiling. “It was getting pretty stuffy in there.”

  “I thought maybe you were avoiding me.” Austin couldn’t help but remember the earlier dinner conversation. Jessica had referenced their being late because Harrison Gable had stopped by with a gift. “I guess you and Gable are getting pretty close.” He tried to sound disinterested, even though he was dying to hear her response.

  “Well, I must say he’s certainly been attentive. He brought me a Christmas gift and told me how wonderful he thinks I am.”

  “And what did you tell him?” Austin knew it was a bold question, but he didn’t apologize.

  Jessica laughed. “I told him he wouldn’t say those things if he really knew me. He only sees the me that has been fighting to change. He has no knowledge of the selfish, spoiled girl I used to be. I’m sure my former friends would be happy to inform him.”

  “That won’t matter to a man if he cares for a gal.” Austin didn’t know why he had said anything in support of Gable, but he didn’t intend to do it again. “And if it does, he’s not worth your trouble.”

  She sobered. “I suppose that’s true enough.”

  Her serious mood caused Austin some discomfort. He hadn’t meant to cause her unhappiness. “I . . . uh . . . have really enjoyed sharing Christmas Eve with everybody. It’s fun to see the little ones get so excited over lighting the Christmas tree candles.”

  “Wait until the ladies bring out the Christmas candy and cookies. They work for weeks on making them. Then they have to be very creative about hiding it all so the guys don’t get into it before the holidays.”

  “And did you help in the making of these treats?”

  She smiled. “I tried to help, but I’m not very good at such things. I always figured to have servants and didn’t really care to learn. Mother mostly had me mixing ingredients together while she went to measure out a different recipe.”

  “So you decided to go back to the idea of servants doing it all?”

  She shook her head and crossed her arms. “No. Now I figure I should learn all those things I put off—especially cooking. I don’t know that I’ll ever marry. After all, I am twenty-two, but if I do marry, my husband will probably want to eat.” She gave a laugh, and to Austin it sounded like music.

  “Most men do like to eat,” he confirmed. “And twenty-two isn’t all that old.”

  Jessica still smiled but said nothing for several seconds. When she did speak, she changed the subject. Now the focus was on him.

  “I want you to know that I appreciate the things you shared with me about your family and the losses. As I told you that first time we met, I prefer that people speak their minds. I find that these days honesty is more important to me than just about anything else, and I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me.”

  “It wasn’t as hard as I’d figured, Miss Atherton,” he admitted. He could see in the glow of light from the windows that she was still smiling. “In fact, I find it kind of easy to talk to you.”

  Her smile widened. “Truly? Because I find it very easy to talk to you.”

  “Do you find it just as easy to talk to Harrison Gable?” He hadn’t meant to speak the words aloud, but now that they were out, he couldn’t take them back.

  But Jessica wasn’t offended. She seemed to really consider the question before answering. “Harrison is different from you. He likes to talk about intellectual and political things. He has all sorts of plans for his life that culminate in his becoming president.”

  “Really?” Austin tried to imagine even having the slightest interest in such an ambitious position.

  “Yes. He told me he’d studied all of the presidents in detail as well as our constitution and history. After doing this, he just knew that he could do the job better than most have

  done.”

  “Seems a little confident of himself.”

  “Well, I suppose, but at least he was honest about his feelings. Like I said, I prefer that.”

  Austin thought perhaps he should open himself up to her—tell her how he felt. But there was always the chance that she would spurn his affection. Especially if Gable had given her any indication of proposing. Surely a man—even a man like Gable—didn’t do that without having a sense of the woman being willing.

  Cheers rose up from inside the house. Jessica grabbed hold of his arm. “Come along, Mr. Todd. You have to see this to believe it.”

  He allowed her to lead him back into the house, where everyone had crowded into the formal dining room. Jessica
made a place for them as best she could, and Austin stared down at the fifteen-foot table in complete wonder. Every square inch was covered with sweet treats of every kind. There were platters of cookies and tiny cakes, tarts and candy—candy of every flavor imaginable.

  “You must try Mother’s fudge and peanut brittle. They are the best.”

  He could hardly hear her for the children’s enthusiasm. They were all vying for the position of who would go first.

  “Oh, be sure to get some of the divinity. Mrs. Barnett makes that, and it’s very good.”

  “Anything else?” he asked with a grin. “Anything that you made?”

  She met his gaze and shook her head. “I mixed those spicy oatmeal cookies, but they’re pretty plain.” She turned back to the table and motioned to him. “See those little sandwich cookies? My aunt made those. She calls them Melt Aways. She makes a little cookie with butter and cream and I don’t know what else. Then she bakes those and makes a delicious frosting for the middle. You pop the whole thing in your mouth, and it just melts away. That’s the cookie you really need to try.”

  He didn’t get a chance to reply because William Barnett was tapping a glass with his knife to get everyone’s attention. “If everybody will settle down, I’ll announce the person who gets to start us this year. Austin, since you’re our guest, I figure that job will go to you.”

  Austin was surprised by this, but the others seemed delighted and pushed him around the table to where the dessert plates awaited.

  “I hope he hurries up. I’m starvin’ to death for candy,” Wyatt told his mother. Marty rolled her eyes, but Jake only encouraged it.

  “Then maybe you’ll need to go second,” he teased.

  Mrs. Barnett put a cookie in Austin’s hand. “Take anything you like and as much as you like. There is plenty for everyone.” She leaned in closer and said loud enough for everyone to hear, “But if I were you—I’d hurry.” Everybody laughed at this.

  Austin reached tentatively for a Melt Away. He looked up and saw Jessica smiling in approval. He moved on to a platter of white candy and raised his brows in question as he pointed to the divinity. She nodded. Then Mrs. Barnett handed Wyatt a plate, and the party began in earnest.

  Jessica awoke on Christmas morning with a sense of peace and contentment that she’d never known. The evening before had been so much fun, and she’d very much enjoyed her private talk with Austin Todd. She knew she had come to care for him. She prayed for him constantly, knowing that his sorrow was great. Mother had reminded Jessica recently that Jesus had known great sorrow, and Jessica had been touched in a way she hadn’t expected. Jesus could understand their hurts, their pain. What a comfort that was, and today was the remembrance day of His birth.

  For Jessica, it was unlike any other Christmas. Before, she would have been concerned with what she might receive. She would lie in bed and imagine all the wonderful things her parents might have purchased for her. She had concerned herself very little with the true meaning of the day.

  Mr. Barnett, however, had read the Christmas story the night before, and for Jessica it was like hearing it for the first time. He told of what Mary and Joseph each had to deal with. Mary was certain to face condemnation for having a baby before she and Joseph married formally. Joseph would no doubt have to deal with humiliation, as he would most likely be tormented and rejected by his friends, family, and the temple authorities. They both had to deal with the imposed taxes and the long trip to Bethlehem—an arduous trip that required them to travel a distance of nearly a hundred miles, mostly on foot, only to arrive and find that all the beds were taken and there was no room for them. There was nothing easy about the birth of Jesus.

  Jessica found herself pondering the story for a few minutes more. Finally, she got up and dressed. The house was still quiet when she made her way downstairs. Feeling her way around, Jessica lit one of the lamps. She saw from the clock on the fireplace mantel that it was only four-thirty—not even light outside. But in another half hour her folks would be getting up. It might be Christmas, but the animals still needed to be fed. Several of her father’s prized cows were due to calve most any time.

  Putting fuel in the stove, she built up the fire and placed a pot of coffee atop. Next, she donned her brother’s work coat, lit the lantern, and made her way to the hen house. The morning was chilly and she was glad for the warmth of the jacket. And for some reason it made her think of Austin. Perhaps because she’d been wearing it when he’d come to the springhouse. She smiled at the memory. It was funny, but she found herself thinking of him a lot.

  It’s just because he’s had such a bad time in life.

  The darkness outside seemed to wrap around her as she crossed the barnyard. Sunrise wouldn’t come for another three hours, and the world seemed as silent as the grave. She shivered at the thought and picked up her steps. She wished Austin would show up, as he had done that day at the springhouse.

  That was such a pleasant day, and I loved getting to know him better.

  Harrison had promised to visit on Christmas Day, but Jessica wasn’t sure she wanted him to come. The more she spent time with Austin, the less interest she had in Harrison. Besides, Harrison had already seen her the day before. He’d shown up without warning, bestowed a beautiful necklace upon her, and even brought a box of candy for her mother.

  And all the while, I couldn’t wait for him to leave so that I could see Austin at the Barnetts’.

  Could this be love?

  She shook her head at her own internal thoughts. She wouldn’t know true love if it bit her. With all of her other beaus, she had only wanted to enjoy their company and the good time that could be had. But with her change of heart and desire to become a better person, she wanted more. And with Austin, she’d found that.

  It must be love. I’ve never felt like this before.

  She took up a basket that hung outside the door. Humming a Christmas tune, she stepped inside to the flutter of the winged animals. Several rushed past her in a flash, no doubt hopeful to be first in line for the feed she would soon drop. Father had placed a hook in the center of the coop just low enough that Jessica and her mother could hang the lantern while they searched the nests. Jessica turned up the wick and then placed the long handle over the hook and settled the lantern. The room lit up and Jessica continued her tasks. First she took up the feed and stepped outside to the collection of chickens. Her mother had over thirty hens, and most were good providers. Those who weren’t were noted and lined up to become fried chicken at Sunday dinner.

  Outside, the hens were scratching the ground, and the rooster let out a crowing that nearly caused Jessica to drop the basket.

  “Silly rooster,” she chided. “It’s not yet sunrise and it’s Christmas morning. Be quiet and let my parents sleep.”

  He immediately stopped, as if he’d understood her command. Jessica tossed a handful of feed as a reward. She then gave the hens a liberal portion and made her way back into the coop to gather eggs. It didn’t take long to fill her basket and head to the house. Mother and Lupe would be surprised that she’d taken on this duty.

  I am resolved to make myself useful rather than ornamental.

  Lupe was already hard at work. Jessica hadn’t noticed when the older woman had come to the kitchen, but she had several lamps lit and was working down the dough she’d left to rise the night before.

  “Merry Christmas, Lupe,” Jessica said, holding up the basket. “I gathered the eggs and thought I might make breakfast.”

  “¿Es verdad?” Lupe questioned.

  Laughing, Jessica put the basket on the counter. “Yes, it’s true. I may need some help, but I think I can manage bacon and eggs. And I can slice some bread for toast.”

  Lupe smiled. “You do not need to do my work.”

  “I want to, though. I want to do something nice for Mother and Father . . . and for you. It’s Christmas, and I think I owe it to all of you.” Jessica paused and grinned at the older woman’s surprise. “It
’s my Christmas present.”

  Chapter 19

  JANUARY 1897

  With the new year came new information, and it couldn’t have pleased Austin more. After going through the business correspondence of Alice’s father, Austin had determined that one bank in particular might lend them an answer. The bank was in Colorado Springs rather than Denver, and furthermore, it was clear from Chesterfield’s correspondence that he had been making some sort of quarterly payment to the institution.

  A letter that arrived for Austin Todd explained why Chesterfield was storing a locked box in their vault. The man said that a previous manager had made the arrangements with Chesterfield and the new manager had long wanted the box removed. He made it clear that if Austin would come with a letter of permission from Alice, he would be happy to relinquish the property to Austin’s care.

  Fingering the key Alice had given him, Austin felt confident that this would open the box. It wasn’t like any key he’d ever seen, but even so he knew it must be the one. Why else would Chesterfield have kept it in his personal effects?

  He looked at the bronze key a moment longer and then set it aside. Austin expected Robert at any moment. He’d stopped by the Barnetts’ to tell them about the letter, but Robert and Alice and their baby had gone to visit Marty’s family. Hannah had promised she’d send Robert over as soon as they returned. That was over three hours ago.

  Tucking the key back into his pocket, Austin decided to put some coffee on to boil. He wouldn’t say he made the best coffee, but it was pretty good. And on a chilly day the drinker might not be too picky.

  With the coffee on the stove, Austin went in search of an extra mug and spied the cookies Tyler Atherton had brought him the day before. Jessica had baked them and wanted Austin to sample her very first batch. The memory made him smile. She was being true to her word on learning how to cook, and the outcome had been delicious. He couldn’t remember ever having such delicious sugar cookies, and he wasn’t of a mind to share them. Smiling to himself, he hid the remaining cookies in the cupboard. Robert got plenty of goodies at home, but he had a sweet tooth, and if he saw the treat he might be tempted to eat until they were gone.