Death's Life

by B Latif

  “And you didn’t ask me how the ball was?”

  “How was it?”

  Again, she frowned at the stars. What was their fault in it? why was she scowling at the poor stars?

  Then she shrugged.

  I knew that it had turned bad for her. I waited for the next question, but it never came. Soon, she closed her eyes. At least she slept when I was around.

  ***

  “Mama, Henry asked me to marry him.”

  The bucket of water dropped from my hands. It was a totally unexpected assault of words. Rose, as if she was expecting it, stayed calm after giving me an anxiety attack.

  It wasn’t a question. I had no answer. It was nothing, just a piece of information.

  “Did he?” I uttered in disappointment. I never imagined she would tell me that.

  “Yes.”

  “And… what did you say to him?”

  “Nothing.”

  There was silence. I picked up the bucket and walked to the door to hide myself inside the castle. But she followed me for reasons that escaped me.

  OBSERVATION No. 27

  Disappointment brings fear and fear brings failure.

  It seemed Rose didn’t want to fail. Escape from failure is to quit the thing but she didn’t quit. She tried another way to victory, an unknown companion in mind, war.

  “You have to come with me to have a look at the world. You’ll love it, Mama.”

  “No, Rose, I have to go to work,” it was a polite refusal.

  “But you have to!”

  “No, please, not now.”

  “When?”

  “Pardon?”

  “I said when? When will you come?” her tone was changing slowly.

  “Why do you want me to come anyway?”

  I tried to change the topic and failed disastrously.

  “Henry won’t marry me unless you meet his family.”

  I turned to face my little girl who had grown to face me with crossed arms. That is the weird thing about children, eventually they stand up against the ones who raise them.

  Correction, human children.

  “It means you want to marry him,” I knew it. Deep inside, I knew it.

  “Probably, Mama, I mean,” she paused, and her eyes looked coldly into mine, “You also married my father.”

  For a moment, I couldn’t even recognize the person standing in front of me. Marrying Henry was fine.

  This. This wasn’t.

  Pulling my brows together, I tried to construct a flow of words, “Rose… what… I don’t… what do you mean?”

  The change of topic scenario never worked for me.

  Without getting an answer, I dropped the bucket again, making my way out of the castle, silver robes waving behind me.

  “Who is my father?”

  The words, honed with distrust, hit me in the back like a traitor friend’s dagger.

  I stopped.

  “I have to go to work,” the same old excuse.

  This wasn’t Rose. Not my Rose.

  “Where?” another knife.

  I had never imagined she would ask me where or I would have had an answer for that. I was walking fast now, as if I would reach some place and she wouldn’t be able to find me.

  “Where, Mama?” I could hear her steps behind me.

  “Where I normally go,” I told her evasively.

  “And exactly where is that?” she snapped back at me.

  It was as if she were my mother and I was her child. I faced her sharply, annoyed now. I wanted to yell back, “I am Death, I have authority here.”

  But I must admit the only one who has authority is the Lord. No one else.

  “Come off it, Rose.”

  “No!” she raised her voice, “Just tell me about my father! I want to meet him!”

  “You can’t!” I stopped near the willow tree.

  “WHY?” her voice was angrier than mine.

  “SHUT IT!” there was no way I was going to look at her. Rose held my shoulder and turned me around harshly.

  “I have a right to know!”

  Humans always are hysterical, by birth, by nature.

  “And it’s not my obligation to tell you,” I said, jerking my shoulder away, making my way to the willow.

  “It is! It is! You’re my mother. You have to tell me!”

  I remained quiet, no answer.

  But… I had answer.

  “What is your name? At least you can tell me that!” she wasn’t going to give up.

  I was exhausted by her questions so I turned to face her, sighing, “What will make you stop?”

  Nothing.

  Not a sound. But somehow, her eyes managed to deliver the message. And when her lips moved, it made me something only humans are. A liar.

  “Truth,” the word haunted me for days, “Truth, Mama.”

  Aren’t humans supposed to lie? It sounded like an allegation, a slur. How can I lie? But to my daughter, I was a liar. I realized how cheap I was in her eyes, a worthless soul.

  Life beats you down. Even mine, Death’s life, beat me down to my knees. Humans know how to get up, they always do, they have no choice other than inviting me. I didn’t know how to get up.

  I figured out one of the best and worst things humans feel, the most glorious of human emotions, pain.

  I was hurt and it felt unusual. To get hurt by the only person you think you own, the light of your life, the music to your ears, the song on your lips.

  After a long pause, I replied shamefully, turning away again, “Then look somewhere else. I have none.”

  This made me cheaper in her eyes. as if a monster was crawling inside her, invading her, as her eyes turned crimson.

  “What is your work?”

  I stood in front of the willow, as if protecting it, expecting something miraculous to happen to satisfy her or make her forget everything.

  I kicked the tree, “SHUT IT, ROSE!”

  “I WON’T!”

  For a moment, mother and daughter stood like foes. Disgrace for me, deception for her.

  As the water streaked on the grass, Rose divulged the secrets her heart had concealed for a long time.

  “I know your reflection doesn’t appear in the mirror. But why doesn’t it? Why not even in water?”

  My mouth went dry as Rose looked at the river at her side. Two bodies standing on the grass. Only one body visible in the water. Even I became afraid as I saw it. And it hurt me even more.

  I had no existence.

  I was in a trap.

  “Why aren’t you…”

  “Rose, why are you talking to yourself?”

  At that moment of insanity, our faces turned toward the trespasser, Henry Cavills.

  That son of a bitch was standing at a distance. Rose said nothing in her wrath.

  “I… uh… I… came here to say sorry for everything.”

  Rose turned to me as if Henry wasn’t there. as if nothing had interrupted her, “Why doesn’t your reflection appear in the water?”

  I remained quiet.

  “Tell me!”

  There was bewilderment on Henry’s face, as if she were mad.

  “What the…” his voice was drowned in Rose’s yelling.

  “WHY?”

  She was holding back her tears. I could see it. But I couldn’t reveal myself.

  “Rose! Who are you talking to?” again, Henry’s voice was lost in her hysterical paroxysm of words.

  “TELL ME!”

  “ROSE!” This time, his voice was louder. Finally, he had gained her attention. Rose turned her face and looked at him.

  “What? Can’t you see, I’m talking with my mother?”

  Henry stared at her. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words seemed appropriate.

  “No… I can’t see,” he uttered with a frown.

  With flared nostrils and a wide-eyed gaze, Rose said,” Can’t see? Look, here she is!”

  She pointed toward me.

  No. Nothing.


  “Rose,” he was trying his best to stay polite, “There is no one here except you and me.”

  “Stop lying to me! Why is everyone lying to me?” she almost screamed, “She is right here!”

  She stomped toward me and held my arm, “See?”

  Henry dilated his pupils and his jaw dropped, “I can’t. There is no one here.”

  For a moment, there was silence. Then Rose turned her face toward me, forgetting her quarrel with me, she asked desperately, “Mama, why don’t you tell him that you are here?”

  I kept staring at Henry like a statue and didn’t move an inch. Rose jerked my arm, “Mama! Speak to him! Tell him!”

  No word escaped my lips. Death is supposed to trap humans. Not humans trap Death, it was unnatural.

  The sun directed its rays on us, and Rose shifted her gaze to the ground. Out of the blue, her eyes widened, and I realized I didn’t exist in their reality.

  There was only one shadow.

  And it didn’t belong to me.

  “Why don’t you have a shadow?” it was a terrified whisper.

  I couldn’t look at her. I could feel her shaking hand still holding my arm.

  “Why,” she repeated as if among all the unnatural things, I was deaf as well, “you have no shadow?”

  And in that petrified silence, there was only one human voice that wasn’t getting her attention.

  “What’s going on?” Henry’s words were futile in the forest.

  “ANSWER ME! FOR GOD SAKE, ANSWER ME!” She cried, startling Henry.

  “ROSE!” Henry gained her attention once again.

  She directed her red-eyed gaze at him.

  “There is no one here!” he corroborated.

  Letting go of my arm, Rose went to him and held his arm instead.

  “Don’t you understand? Can’t you see? She is there! Look!”

  She pointed toward me, but Henry could only see her finger pointed at the tree’s trunk.

  “She isn’t there!”

  “SHE IS THERE! LOOK! MAMA IS THERE! I CAN SEE…”

  Arrows. Arrows. Arrows.

  Arrows of her words were hitting me. And an arrow from Henry’s bow.

  With gritted teeth, he set an arrow, focusing it on me. A moment later, the arrow pierced my soul and dug itself into the tree trunk.

  Rose watched in horror as the arrow went through me. No harm. No death. No blood. For a moment, she went breathless. Then holding Henry’s hand, she broke into a run.

  Away from me.

  Chapter 14

  That day, I learned another human aspect from her. Escape. How to escape from problems instead of facing them. And she left me alone to face the problems, something a human would do.

  The first thing I remember is standing still by the tree behind me, which was physically damaged by Henry’s arrow. And I was shot by Rose’s arrow of words. We weren’t bleeding. We weren’t complaining. But both of us were in pain.

  The black thought that Rose had left me wasn’t sinking into my mind. It was hard to digest. I couldn’t even cry.

  How does it feel to have tears? How does it feel to shed tears?

  I was… I was… what was that word?

  Ah – shocked.

  I was torn by her fear. She was afraid of me. I had seen it in her eyes. Her last look had told me she was afraid of me. The last thing I wanted was her to be afraid of me, afraid of her mother. I had raised her. I had raised her!

  For a moment I stayed still, but then my legs gave away, and I fell against the tree trunk on my back. The only thing I can remember is the light from the sun falling on me.

  The prayer I had sent to the Lord had hit the sky hard and fallen back on me. It was as if He was saying you’re not meant to pray. You aren’t meant to ask for anything. You aren’t meant to question me because you aren’t a human.

  No matter how much you try, this flesh isn’t real. Your existence isn’t real. You aren’t real.

  And as the Lord blew the wind, the leaves from the trees fell on me, it felt like a rain of stones. Every one of them gave me pain.

  The birds stayed happy, chirping and playing. The bees buzzed about, and the flowers danced with the wind.

  Then why had only my world collapsed? Then why was everything okay but nothing was fine at all?

  And as with the snow-covered grass, I could remember that day. Yes, the one when I had taken that child in my arms and rescued her from the cold world.

  The past was repeating itself in the opposite direction. The way it should have been without me. She was going back in the cold world.

  And as if I were watching a movie, I saw every single lovely moment with her. The day she started crawling. The day she started walking. And the day she started running.

  Running away from me.

  But again, isn’t it obvious?

  OBSERVATION No. 28

  When humans are children, they fight and say she is my mama. When they grow up, they fight and say she is your mama.

  Then they abandon her.

  And the thought that Rose was just another human made me suck in air.

  No.

  I tried to suck in then let go of the air. I failed. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even breathe! I tried hard to breathe but couldn’t.

  How unbearable.

  As the gust of wind hit the trunk, it struck me as well. I couldn’t feel it, but as it hit me, a pain inside me screamed.

  It was as if my patience was on the verge of breaking. If I could die, I would have. If I could have committed suicide, I would. If there was another Death, I would ask her to kill me.

  But alas, I was alone with darkness engulfing me. Rose was afraid of me. I knew she was, and I knew she would never come back.

  For the first time in my life, I wanted to be a murderer. Yes, I wanted to kill that son of a bitch Henry Cavills.

  He was a complete disappointment to mankind. He had stolen a daughter from her mother. It had happened because of him. If only he hadn’t asked Rose to meet me.

  And Rose… oh, my dear Rose… how marvelous.

  She wasn’t afraid of the man who had tried to kill her mother. She was afraid of the victim.

  I couldn’t even go and justify myself to her. the truth was unbelievable. It made me angry.

  I couldn’t force a tear out of my eye, I couldn’t even scream from my heartache. I couldn’t even complain to the Lord about it.

  He had blessed me with a daughter and taken her away as if only humans should have that blessing. As if I were a prisoner bound to obey him.

  ***

  For a long time, I kept sitting there. A very long time, maybe three days of a human calendar.

  How was Rose? Where was she? What was going on in her mind? Had she eaten anything? What if she hadn’t slept well?

  Oh, Lord!

  Rose never slept without me! How would she live without me? She must be so alone.

  And I got up suddenly to go and meet her. But before I could take a step, I realized something.

  Maybe it was different.

  I never slept without Rose. I couldn’t live without Rose.

  And heavy sorrow began to fill my soul. How could my girl leave me?

  OBSERVATION No. 29

  Sometimes, life hurts you so much that it stops hurting.

  And everything started coming back to me. Every word. Every hurt. Every second. How could she know my story?

  She hadn’t lived my life. She hadn’t seen what I had seen. My past is my present and my future. She couldn’t hear the answers I had screamed back at her.

  I am Death.

  I am your mother.

  I am unheard.

  I am unwanted.

  I am unseen.

  This is who I am, if I am anything. Sometimes, your eyes don’t show tears. That’s because they are shedding blood. Nobody notices. I wish there was somebody to tell me that it was okay. Everything will be all right.

  But how could I forget the first time she smil
ed at me? If I had a heart, it would have stopped at her smile then.

  And after that, nothing mattered, yet everything mattered. I did everything to make sure she smiled again.

  So why would that person leave me?

  Trapped in the sorrow of my life, I couldn’t see the light. Couldn’t see the sun. Couldn’t see a dream. Couldn’t be a human.

  It seemed like a nightmare and the only question she had asked me a million times, echoed in my mind: why?

  I was scared. Who will take care of her? So how can I see light?

  The sun arrived every day, but it was hard to see the light or see the sun. It was hard to find peace. I kept moving around and days passed slower and slower. I wish I could say the seasons changed, but they didn’t, and no bud of hope grew.

  ***

  In a dream, I met her.

  She turned her mother’s life into a nightmare, and I could only envision of meeting her in a dream.

  Lonely hours grew into pain. I ran fast, ran to take the souls. Take as many lives as I was asked to, maybe one of them would realize a human had taken Death’s life too.

  But no matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t run away from the pain of memories. Isn’t it a glorious feeling, pain?

  Now I know why the Lord has made humans superior to other creatures, because they can feel.

  They can feel pain. And they can bear pain. I couldn’t.

  I had to tell my daughter. I had to see her. I knew she couldn’t live without me. She had never stood against me. How could she not listen?

  She had believed every single word I had told her. She had questioned me. Only I had the answers to her questions.

  The castle was so alone without her laughter and it too was missing her.

  A mother can forgive her child even if she kills her.

  Then why wouldn’t I forgive her? Even if… she never apologized.

  Nobody could compare my love for my daughter. Not even all the mothers, dead or alive, or even future mothers.

  She was the bloom of my spring. She was the song I used to sing. I would tell her that I was a prisoner, I couldn’t escape. I would tell her to just have one thing in me that her biological mother had: faith.

  So, leaving the castle, I went to find her. She had gone with Henry.

  Again, I prepared the things I had to say to her: Rose, you have spent twenty years of your life with me. I gave you everything you wanted. Now I ask for only one thing in return: faith.