Nice Try, Jane Sinner

by Lianne Oelke

AP

  Viewers wanted a villain. You wanted to hate him, too.

  JS

  Don’t you dare say this is my fault.

  AP

  Well, what do you want me to do, Jane? You need this show as much as I do!

  I hated him for saying that. I hated him for seeing through me.

  JS

  You’re sick. Both of you.

  AP stopped pacing.

  AP

  Jane . . . I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it.

  JS

  Right. Go suck a bag of dicks, Alexander.

  Jenna snorted.

  JS

  You too, Jenna. How long have you and Marc—​forget it. Just . . . god.

  I walked past the two of them and into my bedroom. Only one more night here, then I’m back in House of Orange with three of the worst human beings I’ve ever met. Not that I’d rather stay here with Jenna and that cesspool of a couch. I almost wish there were cameras around tonight. These asswipes deserve to know what it’s like.

  SunJul31

  Move-in day. Again. This time it was just me and the wagon I’d forgotten to return to AP. Jenna offered to help me gather all my things, but I told her she should get her own shit together first. Actually I didn’t say that, but I should have. Setting up my room felt so much different from last time. I feel older, more tired. I want to say I feel wiser, but I think it’s just bitterness. The house was empty and quiet. R must have done a lot of cleaning recently, because it looks better than it did in the last episode. I forgot how much orange shag carpet there is—​I can’t tell if I missed it or not. Thankfully I didn’t have to spend much time there before heading to work. Marc acknowledged my presence by saying, “Hey, uh, hey, Sinner,” while refusing to meet my eyes. Robbie gave me a careful nod. He may not have leaked my journal, but he still stabbed me in the back. AP didn’t show his face all day.

  My mini-fridge was full of mostly rotting food and Coke. All Marc’s, of course. I threw out the food and drank a Coke.

  HOOCAP

  So, Jane. How does it feel to be back?

  JS

  (Lonely.)

  It feels emptier. Like something is missing.

  HOOCAP

  You mean Chaunt’Elle?

  JS

  No, that’s not it.

  HOOCAP

  What’s the plan now?

  JS

  I’m going to win the show by destroying Robbie Patel and everything he loves. And then I’m setting fire to this house. Jenna’s house too.

  HOOCAP

  How very . . . spirited of you.

  JS

  Some girls just want to watch the world burn, you know?

  HOOCAP

  . . . Right. Well. Thank you for your time, Jane. I’ll let you get back to unpacking. Welcome back, by the way.

  JS

  Thank you.

  Maybe I should have just finished high school online.

  AUGUST

  MonAug1

  It’s good to be back, in a way. I’m in my element, no matter how shitty everyone around me is. I didn’t expect to come back and find the house full of unicorns and rainbows. Still, thousands of people I don’t know voted for me to be here. I can win this. I know what to do and I’m angry. It’s enough for now.

  I came home after school to find a single rose on the counter next to a tiny envelope addressed to me. A HOOcap was there to film me open it.

  It was from Tom, who said he misses me and I’m such a clever girl for getting back on the show and he wants to go for coffee tomorrow before he leaves for Colombia. The fact that he said “Let’s go for coffee” and not “Let’s hang out” is cause for concern.

  JS

  Meh.

  HOOCAP

  You should go. At least give him a chance.

  Of course the HOOcap wants me to go. For all I know, AP put Tom up to this. Or at least hopes I’m petty enough to try and make R jealous. I texted him “sure” (with the camera pointing straight down on my hands in what the HOOcap called “Wes Anderson style”), but I’m regretting it now. Maybe it’s time I draw a line between what I do for the show and what I don’t.

  AP was waiting for me after my evening run, sitting on the steps, drinking iced tea. Wearing a crisp button-down shirt and new shoes, his hair perfect. His skin smooth and even. Not like the last time I saw him. And not like me, with my damp T-shirt and wet hair clinging to red cheeks. Sometimes it’s so easy to hate attractive people.

  AP

  Jane! Glad I caught you. Can I talk to you for a minute?

  JS

  Sure.

  AP

  Wait here. I’ll grab you an iced tea. Nice evening out, isn’t it?

  JS

  Sure.

  I thought about going inside to shower first, but I assumed the reason AP wanted to talk outside was to avoid the cameras. He returned with a tall, cool glass and handed it to me with a smile.

  AP

  How . . . are you doing?

  JS

  Fine. What do you want?

  His smile didn’t flicker.

  AP

  I wanted to apologize. Formally.

  I didn’t respond. I wanted him to feel as uncomfortable as possible. We both took a sip.

  AP

  You must hate me.

  JS

  Something like that.

  AP

  I looked through your backpack to find your journal. At Jenna’s. She didn’t know.

  But if she did, would she have stopped him?

  AP

  I only wanted people interested in the show again. I didn’t want to hurt you.

  JS

  Say what you want. You knew exactly what would happen.

  AP

  I messed up, okay? I made the wrong call. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I don’t know what to do now.

  I let the moment sink in while I sipped my iced tea.

  AP

  Did you talk to Robbie about it?

  JS

  No. I will tonight.

  AP

  That’s what I wanted to ask you. I know I let him take the fall, but if this gets out—​if people find out it was me, not him—​the show will lose all credibility. It’ll fall apart, and I’ll be in deep shit again. I can’t let that happen.

  JS

  You should have thought of that before.

  God, I must have sounded like the parents. Or worse, Mr. Dubs.

  AP

  The unfortunate truth is, we both need this show.

  JS

  Why do you need it so badly?

  AP

  You’re not the only one looking for a second chance, Jane.

  Damn him for being a reasonable asshole. I’d rather he didn’t make sense. I’d rather not depend on a reality TV show for redemption.

  JS

  So what are you asking? That I keep my mouth shut? Does Robbie know?

  AP

  I didn’t tell him, but I think he suspects. I know I don’t deserve this, but please don’t say anything. At least not until the show is over. Just a couple more weeks.

  I’m not interested in helping AP save face, but unfortunately he was right. We’re in this together. What’s one more lie?

  JS

  Fine. But after the show it’s all coming out.

  AP

  I know. And please . . . I don’t want to make a big deal about Marc and my sister. I really don’t want people to know.

  JS

  I never want to think about that night again. Why would I talk about it?

  I drained the last of my iced tea and stood up.

  JS

  I need to go shower.

  AP

  My sister wanted to apologize. Although I don’t blame you for not answering her texts. She thinks really highly of you, you know.

  Sure.

  It’s all a mess. I’ve screwed over R, and I’m lying (or at least avoiding the truth) to protect the guy who screwed me over.
R thinks I hate him, and I’m going to let him think that, because I’m too much of a coward to say otherwise.

  Right now I have more public support than he does (or at least I hope I do—​he did get me votes, after all), and I want to win. I need to win, because I have nothing else to look forward to. And if I lose, then I can’t even justify my shittiness in retrospect. R let me believe all along that it was him. Why? No, he tried to tell me, I think. On that “date.” And I didn’t believe him. For obvious reasons, I think.

  I doubt the parents would be proud of me right now. If they knew what I’m thinking, they’d tell me to visit a proper therapist again. Or talk with Pastor Ron. I’m too much of a coward to even be honest with my family. I’m barely honest with myself.

  I thought about talking to R tonight, anyway. Off camera. But if I apologized (which I’m not ready to do), and if he wanted things to go back to the way they were (which I wouldn’t, if I were him), then there’s a small chance we might start getting along again. In which case, AP couldn’t rely on our revenge story to carry the show to the final episode, in which case, he’d keep Marc around instead of R for drama. I can’t live with the thought of Marc violating our furniture here any longer than necessary.

  Besides. I doubt R is willing to talk again after I ditched our “date.”

  TueAug2

  I met Tom at a coffee shop during lunch. He had to spread his legs awkwardly just to fit them under the tiny table. He reminded me of Mr. Dubs, and the mental image of Tom in fifteen years made me cringe.

  TOM

  Jane! It’s been a while.

  He pulled out my chair for me.

  JS

  I know. How have you been?

  TOM

  Really good, thanks. What’s new?

  JS

  Well, I’m back in House of Orange.

  TOM

  Right. I voted for you, you know . . .

  JS

  Yeah, I figured you would. Thanks.

  TOM

  . . . even though I don’t like the whole thing.

  JS

  You never did appreciate reality TV.

  TOM

  It’s just so . . . worldly. What is our generation coming to?

  JS

  It’s a means to an end. Something I have to see through.

  TOM

  What are you trying to prove, Jane?

  JS

  Nothing. It’s just . . . well, I still worry about saying the wrong thing, but not as much. Not in the same way. Sure, I offend people now and then, but it doesn’t scare me. I can be a whole new Jane.

  I didn’t expect Tom to understand what it’s like on the other side of church.

  TOM

  And you can only be “a whole new Jane” if the world is watching?

  JS

  I don’t know about the world. I’d settle for local viewers of substandard television programming.

  TOM

  You don’t have to do this, though. You’re better than this.

  JS

  (Right.)

  Thanks, Tom.

  TOM

  I’m serious. You don’t have to lower yourself on TV just to get revenge or, I don’t know, impress someone. People like you for who you are, not for this new TV persona. I like you for who you are.

  “Who I am” really wanted to smack him.

  JS

  So, all ready for Colombia?

  TOM

  Oh. Uh, yeah, just about. It’s going to be incredible. What about you? Any plans for a missions trip?

  JS

  Nope.

  TOM

  How about traveling, at least? Once you’re done with whatever you’re doing at community college?

  Yeah, because I’ve got so much money to burn at the moment.

  JS

  Well, my Aunt Gina was thinking of going to Ikea this weekend. Maybe I’ll tag along.

  TOM

  That’s not exactly what I meant.

  JS

  I could use a new rug for my bedroom. It would really tie the room together, you know?

  TOM

  Uh, I guess.

  JS

  You’ve never seen that movie?

  TOM

  What movie?

  JS

  God. What is our generation coming to?

  TOM

  Why do you do that?

  JS

  Do what?

  TOM

  Say “God” all the time. Take his name in vain.

  JS

  I don’t know. Habit, I guess.

  Tom sighed heavily.

  TOM

  You’ve changed, Jane.

  Thank god.

  Mom was happy to meet me for supper tonight. Just the two of us. We both knew without saying that it would be much less awkward without Dad. We went to a Thai place, and I think she had been waiting for a while before I got there, even though I arrived on time. She stood up when I walked in and crushed me in a hug, her massive leather purse and bony knuckles digging into my back. It’s not easy hugging someone so much shorter than yourself. You’d think by now we’d have it worked out.

  MOM

  It’s so nice to see you! I’m so glad you called. How have you been? How is school? Are you doing okay?

  JS

  Yes, I’m good.

  When she finally released me, we took off our jackets and sat down. I took a sip from the glass of water she had already ordered me.

  MOM

  Are you sure going back on the show is a good idea? I mean, will you be okay? Will your grades be okay?

  JS

  Yeah, I’ll be fine! Don’t worry.

  MOM

  What about that boy? Robbie? Are you still friends?

  JS

  Not really. We’re not exactly on speaking terms. But I don’t want to talk about him right now.

  The waitress came and asked if we were ready to order. We both said, “I’ll have what she’s having” at the same time before settling on pad thai.

  JS

  I saw Tom this afternoon.

  MOM

  Oh, Tom! How’s he doing?

  JS

  Getting ready for his missions trip. Then it’s off to school for engineering. Real school, I mean. University.

  MOM

  He’s such a well-rounded young man.

  JS

  So I’ve heard. He watches the show all the time, even though he says it’s “too worldly.” The bonus stuff on the website, too. He . . . asked me if I was seeing anyone. And I told him yes, even though I’m not.