Yearning Devotion

by Rachael Orman

  “I’ll be right back. Promise.” Cole lifted her and gently laid her back on the bed before he slipped off the bed. He quickly removed the condom. He knotted the open end then to her complete surprise, he rolled on another condom over his still hard cock before returning to the bed. He laid on his side next to her and looked down into her eyes as he rubbed his thumb over her cheek tenderly. After a moment, he spoke softly, “Will you trust me? I want to try something.”

  “Just don’t hurt me.” Gwen tried to push a smile onto her face, but instead her lips only twitched upward. Cole gently pushed up on his arm and rose over her, sliding between her legs to gently lie on her. Her eyes widened slightly.

  “Just breathe and look at me.” Cole spoke softly as he shifted his hips and started very, very slowly filling her. His eyes locked with hers, his thumbs gently running over her jaw and neck. He pulled out slowly from her. He was murmuring sweet and loving words to her as he moved.

  “Cole.” Her voice quivered but she cautiously ran her hands up his back. This was why she didn’t want him like this. She was developing feelings for him and having a man on top of her always reminded her of her rapists. She didn’t want to relate the two memories but as he continued his very slow glide in and out of her body, his expressive green eyes locked on hers, his hands touching her so tenderly, gently, carefully. She found herself forgetting her past and actually enjoying the act. Just watching the flex and tensing of his chest muscles as he moved. Feeling the strength in him and knowing he was holding back for her, being careful and gentle for her. Slowly, she started to arch up to meet his slow thrusts.

  “That’s it, beautiful. Let it go. Just look at me. Think only about me and how it feels to have me deep inside you. I want you to feel how great we fit together. How good it feels.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. She grabbed the back of his head and forced her tongue into his mouth causing him to groan. He pulled back after a moment though. He slipped a hand between their bodies and gently circled her clit. This caused her to arch sharply and moan. He kept the same slow rhythm of his thrust. But before long, she astonishingly felt tingling in her feet signaling she was going to come. She gasped in surprise because although it felt good she didn’t think she could ever enjoy this position that much. Another slow thrust had her digging her fingers into Cole’s shoulders but she kept the eye contact instead of throwing her head back as heat spread through her body.

  Cole thrust once more and she saw the fire spread through his eyes as a deep long groan fell from his lips and felt his hips jerk sharply against her. After a few short thrusts, he rolled to his side and off her, never once having laid fully on top of her. He lay there breathing hard and running his hand over her stomach. After long moments of just lying there contently together, he stood and moved to the bathroom to dispose of the two used condoms. She heard water running for a moment before he returned with a warm wash cloth. He ran it over her chest, stomach and down between her legs. He gently cleaned her before tossing the washcloth towards his closet.

  He laid next to her and pulled the covers over them murmuring, “Let’s go to sleep.”

  “Mmm. OK.” Gwen barely whispered. She was so sleepy she didn’t have the fight left to make an argument even to herself as to why she never stayed the night. He pulled her close, resting her head on his chest, her leg slipped over his, his arm holding tightly around her waist. He couldn’t believe what this woman had turned out to be. She was so much more than he’d ever expected of the girl tripping over her own feet in the subway that first day. She’d surprised him in more ways than he could list. He closed his eyes with a soft smile on his face and drifted off to sleep with her in his arms. Gwen had similar thoughts of what a surprise Cole had been to her life. He was almost too good to be true. She fell into a deep sleep with that thought rolling through her head.

  A loud crashing noise woke Gwen. She slowly blinked opened her eyes. It took a few moments for her to remember where she was. Oh right, I SLEPT at Cole’s and with Cole. Her head was on Cole’s chest. Her arm was bent on his chest, hand resting on the other side of his chest. He appeared to still be sleeping as she gazed up at his handsome sleep relaxed face. She thought of what an oddity this man was. He made her feel things she had never felt before, not to mention she had never spent the whole night with anyone other than McKayla. A very angry, very womanly voice brought these thoughts to a crashing halt.

  “Who the fuck is this, Cole?” Gwen heard snarled to her left. She sat up and blinked as she took in a fiery little brunette in the doorway to the bedroom. The brunette must’ve thrown open the door and that caused the loud noise that had woken her. The raging woman looked ready to spit fire at Gwen.

  Gwen quickly turned her head to Cole, confusion filling her face. He was slowly sitting up, still trying to shake off sleep. The brunette was looking between Cole and Gwen back to Cole. She grabbed something off the dresser next to the door and threw it towards the wall behind the bed the couple was in. Gwen ducked and whatever it was shattered as the brunette shrieked, “Cole, WHO THE HELL IS THAT?”

  “Um….” Gwen looked between the two of them. She pulled the sheet up to her chest and scooted away from him. Looking away from the raging woman to Cole, Gwen quietly asked, “Cole… Who is that?”

  “I am his fucking WIFE! Who the FUCK are you and why are you in bed NAKED with my HUSBAND?” The brunette yelled at her. Gwen looked from the brunette back to Cole, a look of guilt on his face. He didn’t even try to dispute it and the guilty look said everything she needed to know.

  Gwen’s heart stopped, her head spun. No. No, she hadn’t broken her one and only rule. Cole couldn’t have done this to her. He would have told her he was married, wouldn’t he? Why would not have worked so hard to get her to start falling in love with him? Why would he do this? He was married! She shook her head in disgust at herself. She could feel the bile rising in her throat but pushed it back. She had to get away from him.

  She slapped him as hard as she could across the face. Her hand burned from the impact, but it was nothing compared to the revulsion that surged through her. He just hung his head as an angry red mark appeared on his cheek.

  “Go to hell.” Gwen spit at him in a low hate filled voice before climbing from the bed. She left the sheet behind. It wouldn’t matter anyway, her embarrassment was too much for a sheet to cover anyway. She snatched up her dress from the ground and walked completely naked past the petite woman. She stopped by the front door only long enough to slip her tramp dress on. Better than being naked she told herself before walking out the front door.

  She calmly walked to the stairs taking them instead of waiting for the elevator. Her head spun. She was furious with him and herself. She’d helped him cheat. She had slept with a married man. She flew down the stairs. The more time these atrocious thoughts and memories ran through her, the more she felt like her reality was slipping out from under her feet.

  She knew most men only wanted sex from a woman like her. She’d been paid to have sex with numerous men but she had never felt dirtier and more used than she did right at that moment. He had touched something deep within her. She thought he was helping her heal her internal scars instead he tore open the biggest one yet.

  She spilled out of the stairwell into the lobby of the building. She gathered what was left of her sanity before standing tall and walking as casually as she could out of the building. There were people in the lobby and she didn’t want to draw any more attention to herself than necessary considering she was already doing the walk of shame in a tiny dress, no panties, no shoes and no dignity.

  Chapter 13

  Gwen walked the whole way to McKayla’s flat, thankfully not bothered by anyone. Not that it would’ve mattered, nothing could be worse than what she’d just gone through. Plus, it was 6am, most people didn’t even pay her attention. She had held herself together so far, not one tear had been shed. He didn’t deserve her tears anyway. She banged hard on the door. McKayla pulled the do
or open with a sleepy expression, wearing a sports bra and a thong.

  “Gwen? What the fuck?” McKayla rubbed a hand over her face. She’d obviously been sound asleep when Gwen had started pounding on her door.

  “He’s married.” Gwen said numbly. McKayla wrapped her arm around Gwen’s shoulders and pulled her into the apartment, shutting the door behind them.

  “Let me make some coffee and you can tell me what’s going on.” McKayla said still trying to wake up and understand what was going on. She quickly had her coffee maker gurgling and steaming out two cups of coffee. She returned to Gwen, who had literally stopped right where McKayla had left her a few steps inside the door. McKayla took in the tiny black dress and shoe-less feet. Gwen had her arms wrapped around herself, shoulders hunched in. Her head was down, her eyes on the floor and such a sad look on her face, one that McKayla hadn’t seen even through everything they’d been through. “So, where’d you come from?”

  “I went to see Cole.” Gwen murmured, still chasing the thoughts inside her head. McKayla put an arm around her shoulders and led her to the couch. She made her sit before returning to the kitchen to get the coffee for both of them.

  “Ok. Start at the beginning. Last thing I knew, you were going to the party with Isaac.” McKayla was trying to figure out what had happened. She’d last spoken to Gwen around 7pm, it was now just after 6am, 11 hours had passed. Gwen had never looked this way in the past so something significant must have happened. Gwen cleared her throat and took a sip of the coffee. After taking another long gulp of the hot liquid, she stood and went to the kitchen.

  Gwen poured the coffee down the drain and set the mug down She put her elbows on the counter, her face in her hands. She clawed her hands through her hair before grabbing the bottle of whiskey out of the cabinet and filling the coffee mug ¼ of the way. She swirled the cup a few times, staring at the liquid swishing around in the cup before taking a big swig. She swallowed once then shot back the rest of the contents. Feeling the burn down her throat that was no worse than the burn from the pain in her chest.

  McKayla watched from the doorway. She’d never seen Gwen act this way. She was so completely lost in her head, she doubted Gwen even knew McKayla had joined her in the kitchen. Gwen went to fill up her cup again.

  “Let’s chat for a bit before you drink the whole bottle.” McKayla took the bottle and put it back in the cabinet. She leaned back on the counter across from Gwen, bracing her hand on the counter behind her. Gwen leaned on the counter across from McKayla with her arms wrapped around her stomach again. Gwen’s eyes focused on the cabinet on the ground in front of her.

  “I went to the party with Isaac. It ended up being at Cole’s apartment. Cole and I danced, chatted and laughed for a while. Then I remembered where I was and why so I went back to my date. Cole stayed away from me until I went to the restroom where he waited for me so that he could kiss me. I told him we couldn’t do that and left shortly thereafter with Isaac. When I got home, I couldn’t get Cole off my mind so I decided to go to him. He’s been slowly worming his way into my head and heart. God, I wanted to believe that he only wanted me for sex, I WANTED that to be it. Just being around him fucks with my head.” Gwen sighed deeply before continuing. “So, I found my smallest skimpiest dress and to prove to myself that that’s all he wanted. I showed up at his place at midnight, all ready to be used and tossed aside like I’m used to so I could get my senses back about this guy. But then he made me eat left overs with him because he knew I hadn’t eaten all night. I tried once again to get him to have sex with me, but once again he deflected me and instead suggests that I help him clean the mess from the party. Which I actually did. I cleaned the kitchen up and walked into the living room to see him waiting for me. He hadn’t actually thought I was going to. It was supposed to be a joke. Finally, he took me to his room to make love to me, there is no other word for how it was for me. Something about the way he stared into my eyes. He fucked me so tenderly, staring deep into my eyes like he wants to touch my soul and keep a piece of it for himself. I can’t exactly describe it. He is just so different. It’s not just the way he looks at me, but the way he speaks to me and jokes with me. All of it made me believe he thought I was more than the piece of shit I am. Then, this morning we got woken up by his wife, who was raging about finding her husband in bed naked with another woman.”

  “You aren’t a piece of shit, don’t talk that way about yourself. Gwen, we know life is hard. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. We learn when we are suffering just how strong we are and what we need to make ourselves happy. Cole is the piece of shit, not you. You need to forget him and his sweet talking ways and lies. You have me and together we will get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else.” McKayla pulled her into a hug while rubbing a hand slowly up and down her back. “I wish he hadn’t broken your heart, I wish I could take the pain from you. But at least you found out now instead of later.”

  “You don’t have to admit it. I know what I am. The only kind of person that lives a life like the one I’ve lived is a horrible person. No matter how much I try to do good things, it always turns to shit.” Gwen nodded but pulled away. “I just need to… I don’t know. Just… think.”

  Gwen didn’t know how else to phrase it, her head was a mess. She kissed McKayla softly while running her hand over her cheek before heading to the bedroom. She quickly slipped into a pair of black sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt that slipped off one shoulder. She grabbed a pair of flip-flops out of the closet and returned to where McKayla was waiting in the living room. “I’m going home. I just need some time alone to sort through things.”

  Gwen didn’t wait for a reply, just left without another look at McKayla. She didn’t know how she got home, everything was just in a haze, but she found her way out to the patio overlooking the city. She put her headphones in, turned music on and tuned out the world to let her mind sort through things.

  After two days of not hearing from Gwen, McKayla showed up at her apartment and banged on the door. Gwen didn’t answer. McKayla used her key to enter the apartment. She found Gwen sitting on her patio listening to music. She was still wearing the clothes she’d put on at McKayla’s. McKayla stood there watching her, thinking back through their past.

  McKayla and Gwen had been through a lot in the time they’d been together. They’d met in a survivors group for rape victims. Both of them had been brutally raped and bonded through it. They both used a physical means to help release the pain they’d endured during their past.

  McKayla had been captured and held captive for three months by her rapist when she was 16. She’d been found by a regular inspection done by law enforcement because the man that had abducted her was a convicted sex offender and was checked in on every few months. On the other hand, Gwen had been held captive for five long years. She’d been taken by two brothers when she was only 12 years old.

  Gwen had endured tortures and horrors that she still wouldn’t share with anyone. Even after 10 years of knowing her, McKayla still didn’t even know the whole story. She did know that Gwen had been beaten severely a majority of the time while they had her. She got pregnant a few times and they had forced her body to abort by starvation and focused their beatings to her stomach area. Gwen had never enjoyed penetration by men. She’d been a virgin when they grabbed her and now she related it back to when those nasty bastards had held her down and forced it upon her.

  When they’d first met, it had been about year since McKayla had escaped her rapist. Gwen had less than one month out of captivity. McKayla had issues to get over because of her own situation but Gwen had been a complete mess. McKayla had watched and supported her as she slowly pulled herself together and found a way to beat back the demons. They never talked about how Gwen escaped from her captors, not once. It was one part of the story that she wouldn’t talk about at all. McKayla knew there was more there but Gwen had to be the one to tell her what had happened and when she was comfortable with sh
aring it.

  While Gwen used her body to make money, she donated half of what she made to rape and abuse victims. The rest of what she made was spent on school and rent. She loved jewelry and clothes. It made her feel worthy and pretty to have something that not everyone else could afford to have.

  McKayla would give anything to make Gwen happy. She knew she had to give Gwen her space to do it on her own. She knew that music helped Gwen find peace. She just hoped once Gwen regained her footing in life, she would get back the happy mostly carefree Gwen she loved. They had worked hard to dig out from the troubles men had inflicted upon them. They turned the pain and suffering into a way to make a living. Most importantly, McKayla and Gwen had come to love each other more than anything else either woman had loved before. McKayla needed Gwen in her life. She hoped Gwen didn’t use this as an excuse to completely push her out of her life.

  McKayla laid on the couch as tears rolled down her eyes. She watched as Gwen sat motionless in the chair looking unseeingly out at the city. Eventually, McKayla dozed off on the couch and when she awoke a few hour later, Gwen was gone.

  Chapter 14

  Gwen walked to the nearest bar she knew. It was less than a block from her apartment. She didn’t look around, didn’t care who was there, or how many people were there. None of it mattered. She just needed a drink and not have McKayla questioning and looking and worrying in her direction. When she realized McKayla was in her apartment, she knew she had to get out for a while. She had laid a soft kiss on a sleeping McKayla’s cheek before slipping out of the apartment.

  “Can I get a double of whiskey?” Gwen requested from the bartender. She slammed it back and signaled for another. This one she sipped more slowly and moved to sit at a table along the wall. She sat staring at the empty seat across from her, her mind running through all the times she and Cole had talked. All the times he brushed against her, brushed a strand of hair from her cheek to tuck it behind her ear, the way he always listened when she talked, the way he had appreciated her sketches. His green eyes flashed into her mind. Those green eyes that first caught her attention, the eyes that seemed to see deep into her soul every time he looked at her, and the eyes that lied to her while they made love.