Yearning Devotion

by Rachael Orman

  Shaking her head, she knocked back the rest of what was in her glass.

  No, they hadn’t been in love, not yet. But he’d done a damn fine job of persuading her to fall for him. He had even started to convince her that she might be worthy of being loved by someone like him. Her. She was a disgusting vile person. She’d done things most people couldn’t even imagine. But the way Cole looked at her, the way he touched her, it made her forget. It made her want to be as wonderful as that look in his eyes said he thought she was. It made her think that her past didn’t have to matter, that it didn’t ever have to come between them. Boy had he sucked her in and pulled the wool over her eyes. Before he stomped on her fragile heart.

  Scoffing, Gwen stood up and stumbled a bit as the whiskey was starting to kick in. But she walked to the bar without tripping. She ordered a refill on her drink and stayed seated at the bar since the table seemed so far away now. Sipping again, she returned to her thoughts.

  It was actually for the best that he was a cheating bastard. This way she didn’t have to reveal anything about herself to him. All he knew about her really was that she was in school. Now she never had to reveal that she was dirty, that she was paid to have sex with men. She knew it soiled her soul but it wasn’t any worse than what she’d already been through. In fact, it had helped her heal, but she doubted most people would see it that way.

  She would never have to reveal to him that she was raped. That she’d been held captive for years. That she’d been pregnant 3 times during that time. How her body had managed to hold a pregnancy, she didn’t know. She was barely fed and was routinely beaten until she was in so much pain she could barely breathe. When they realized she was knocked up, they only starved her more and the beatings were much more severe to her stomach area to ensure that her body would abort the pregnancy on its own.

  Thanks to Cole’s mistake, she could continue to keep the horrible memories to herself. So really it was a good thing that his wife had shown up when she had. Wife. God she really hadn’t seen that one coming.

  With that thought, she finished her drink and signaled for another.

  She was stupid enough to be tricked into falling in love with a man. She never fallen for any of the stupid moves players pulled to get a woman they wanted but she’d sure fallen for the moves that Cole had used. He obviously wasn’t happily married or he wouldn’t have been flirting and sleeping with Gwen. But he wasn’t so unhappy that he left his wife either. He hadn’t even tried to justify himself, not that it would have mattered. He just sat there staring at her while her world was smashed to little pieces.

  She could still remember the feel of his hands sliding over her body, the way he wiped away her tears and how gentle and tender he had been that final time they made love. That’s what it was. They had made love. That wasn’t the fucking Gwen was used to. It had been her offering him up a small piece of her heart to him. She stupidly thought he was doing the same to her. She would’ve swore it’d been his heart in his eyes. She would’ve swore he felt the same feelings she had. But that couldn’t be true now.

  He’d sat on the bed, sheet around his waist and watched her walk out of his life. She replayed those last few moment over in her head again. He hadn’t uttered one word. Not one word to try to explain. Not one word to try to get her to stay. Not one word. That broke her heart even more. If he cared at all, he would’ve said something. Anything.

  Taking another sip of her drink, she felt eyes on her. She turned and saw a man a couple empty seats away eyeing her. Time to leave. She probably would get cut off soon anyway. She gulped the rest of the whiskey. Enjoying the burn in her throat for a moment before slapping a $100 bill on the counter and signaling to the bartender, making sure he saw it. She turned and left the bar. Opening the door, she was slapped with warm muggy air from outside.

  She forced her foggy brain to focus as she walked another block away from her apartment and into another bar where she ordered yet another whiskey. She sat at a table in a dark corner where she knew she wouldn’t be bothered. At least this bar had a waitress so she wouldn’t have to get up to get another drink. And it had music louder than the last so she could use that to help push back her memories into the deep recesses she normally stored them in. She would have to find somewhere to shove these new issues with Cole.

  A song was playing from over the stereo system that resonated with Gwen. The song made her remember the many times she’s screamed and fought her captors. No matter how hard she’d fought, how loud she screamed, they had always gotten their way and used her body. She rarely had been able to please them. No matter what they wanted from her. They almost always followed up their release with a beating for her. Teach her how to please a man, they said. Eventually, she stopped fighting at all and just let them have their way. She eventually learned how to please them. The beatings had lessened but at least once a week each of the brothers would make sure she was beaten to remind her of who was in charge. They always shoved and pushed her around, but the beatings that left her covered with bruises were less often. They had broken her. She had given up. She hadn’t cared anymore about her life. She’d only cared to stop the pain.

  She ordered another drink and the waitress brought it to her.

  Her mind went to one of the darkest memories she had. It was the reason she finally found the will to escape. She had gotten pregnant again. They didn’t know and she wasn’t going to tell them. When she made her move to escape, she had guessed she was about 3 months pregnant. She couldn’t take the starvation they’d put her through if they found out. Already so thin and always so hungry, she couldn’t handle the thought of less food. A brutal beating would also surely be given. It had been a year since she had last been pregnant and the beating then had been so bad she didn’t think she’d survive from it. She could only imagine how bad the beating would be when they found out. She’d bled for weeks and hadn’t been able to walk from the pain she’d been in when they were done with her the last time. They had refused to give her any food until her body had stopped bleeding. She was so weak and they left her completely alone for days at a time. The day the bleeding finally stopped, the younger brother said he couldn’t wait any longer and had his way with her. After he was done, they gave her a tiny bit of food and some water. The next day, both brothers returned to their normal routines of having sex with her for hours, taking turns with her. They always said it was their way of apologizing for making sure she didn’t stay pregnant. They couldn’t have a kid running around making noise for the neighbors to hear. That’d been their first lesson for Gwen. You don’t make noise, no matter what and if you do, there will be punishments.

  She slammed back the rest of her drink and ordered another.

  They hadn’t always come together and stayed all day with her. But one or the other always came for a couple hours every day to make sure she was ‘taken care of’.

  When the waitress came up with her glass, she shot that one back quickly. Before the waitress could slip away, Gwen gave her enough money to settle her tab and leave a good tip. She had to get out of here. She didn’t want to think about these memories. She didn’t want to drag worse memories up from the deep recesses she’d shoved them down into.

  The next morning, Gwen woke with a killer headache. She rolled out of bed and felt pain stab through her brain. She grabbed clothes and stumbled to the bathroom to shower. She let the water beat down on her body until the water turned cold. She dragged on the clothes after barely drying her body. Trying to push back the pounding in her head, she made her way to the kitchen. She grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and took a big swallow from it.

  “Starting early?” McKayla asked from the doorway. Gwen flipped her the bird over her shoulder before taking another big swallow. “Would you rather talk about this or are you gonna drink it away?”

  “Damn it, McKayla. I really don’t need this right now.” Gwen turned and looked at her. Her head was throbbing behind her eyes. She didn’t kno
w how to explain her mind and thoughts to McKayla. She loved her so much, but how do you tell the person you love more than anything that you are heartbroken over someone else? That you have secrets that you still can’t talk about and don’t WANT to ever talk about? She walked to McKayla and pulled her into a hug. “I love you. But I just need to handle this on my own. I can’t handle losing you on top of everything else in my mind right now. Please, just give me some time.”

  “I know.” McKayla held her tightly. She wiped a tear off her own cheek before stepping back. “I just hate to see you hurting yourself. I’m not going anywhere. You never have to worry about that.”

  Gwen just kissed her softly on the lips before heading back to her room. After her shower, she’d put on a pair of jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. She pulled her hair into a ponytail and slipped on a pair of sneakers before she grabbed her small wallet that fit in her back pocket of her jeans and left. She put her ear buds in and just wandered the streets. She didn’t know how long she’d just wandered listening and trying to find understanding in the mess her life had become and why she’d had to have the life she had. She ended up in the bar that she last remembered entering the night before. She was pretty sure she’d gone to at least one, maybe two other bars, but she didn’t remember exactly, the whiskey had taken over at that point. She didn’t even know how she got home or what time it had been.

  She looked at the time on her phone after the bartender set down her drink. Two in the afternoon. She figured she hadn’t gotten up until 11 or so. What the hell, its five o’clock somewhere right?

  Chapter 15

  Gwen lived somewhere between bars and comatose sleep for two weeks. She had spoken off and on with McKayla about the things she could but she was hurting. It was like after all the pain in her past this was the one thing that just made the whole pile too heavy to carry. All the old memories that she had shoved down and not thought about for so long were breaking out of the boxes in her mind she stored them in. She was reliving them again and again. The memories were causing her to have nightmares. She would wake up in the middle of the night screaming if she didn’t drink enough. No matter what state she went to bed in, McKayla was there to help comfort her as best she could.

  One morning, she pulled on the same pair of jeans that she’d worn the last two days and a clean baggie black top that fell off one of her shoulders. It was nine in the morning, but that didn’t stop her from going to the bar nearest her apartment. The bartender knew her from her frequent visits. He knew she wasn’t going to get crazy or anything, just stumble the half a block back to her apartment to crash for a few hours. He let her drink until she had enough instead of cutting her off and forcing her to go to another bar.

  She wasn’t hung over. She was still drunk from drinking the night before. It didn’t take her long to polish off her first double. This was the way to do it. Drink late enough, get up early enough, never have a hangover. She glared at her phone when it started to ring next to her.

  “Sam.” Gwen answered it with a sigh. She took a sip of her drink.

  “Gwen, where the fuck have you been?” Sam’s voice was quiet but Gwen could tell that she was very upset with her.

  “Busy. What do you need?” Gwen just didn’t care anymore. She supposed she should tell her that she wasn’t going to come back to work. It was one of the decisions Gwen had made over the past couple days while talking to McKayla during one of her few semi sober moments. She didn’t want men touching her anymore. She just knew deep in her soul that she just couldn’t take it anymore. She’d be able to live frugally off McKayla’s income and her savings until she found another job.

  “Listen, we need to talk. Something is obviously going on with you.” Sam tried to stay calm with her, no need to start yelling about all the customers that had been upset when Gwen didn’t show up or the amount of money the business lost when those customers refused to pay.

  “Sam, I can’t do it anymore. I’m done.” Gwen sighed tossing back her drink. Hell, she would have to go collect her belongings at some point and no need to go down there completely trashed. She signaled the waiter and mouthed ‘water’ at him. He got her a glass of water quickly. “Can I come by today to pick up my belongings?”

  “Sure. You know, I always knew you’d break at one point. You were the best girl we had. The customers always loved you because you always made them feel like they really were with a girlfriend that simply showed up when they wanted to get laid and left without any of the other stuff.” Sam sighed before continuing. “I hope you find something in life that makes you happy. I’m sad to see you go, but we all eventually have to move on. I won’t be in the office most of the day but feel free to pick up your things. I’ll have your final pay in your locker. Take care of yourself.”

  Gwen didn’t see the point of putting it off longer than necessary. She drank the whole glass of water before paying her tab and then began her familiar route to work, well former work now. Sitting on the subway reminded her of the times she had sat there and talked to Cole or the weeks before then when she would just admire him from afar. She closed her eyes and slumped in her seat resting her head on the back of the seat. She listened as they passed the various stations. Once her stop was close, she stood and exited the subway and tried to leave the memories of Cole there. But it didn’t work, his memories followed her everywhere.

  She made her way through the crowd as quick as her fuzzy mind would allow her to go. She finally reached street level and stopped to get a breath of fresh air. Now she walked slowly down the street towards the office. The song on her ear buds changed to one about a man that cheated. She’d bet this is song was close to what Cole was saying to that little brunette wife of his. She was sure Cole would tell his wife that it was Gwen who’d forced herself on him. That she had convinced him to cheat on his wife. The whore from the subway, yep, she’d bet that’s what was just what was being said. Why would he say anything else?

  Gwen knew she was punishing herself with these thoughts but she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stand the person she was, the things that she had done. Her choices made her physically ill, but they were just that, her choices. It had been the easy choice to make back then. To use her body to make money was easy. She already knew how to handle men she didn’t want to be around wanting her attention, only this time she would be making good money to do it. She supposed she had started to see the error of her ways when she enrolled in school. It made her be around people who were more ‘normal’. Riding the subway everyday had exposed her to what normal people did every day and she’d loved it. But it was Cole who had made her really see what she was doing. What man would want to be with the woman she was? What man would want to introduce a woman like her to their mom? She was sure that had to do with why she hadn’t heard anything from Cole. How could he really want someone like her in his life? She was just the entertainment and once he’d gotten a good time from her, what use would he have for her now? Especially now that his wife had caught them.

  She was three doors away from the office when she saw a sight that stopped her dead in her tracks. Cole. Oh and look, his pretty little brunette wife was there too. They were half a block away in front of her on the sidewalk.

  Gwen leaned a shoulder on the wall and crossed her arms over her chest, watching them. They hadn’t seen her, not yet. They were walking down the street, holding hands. Gwen’s lip curled as she watched them. Here she’d been living in hell for the last two weeks and he was looking just as freaking amazing as normal as if nothing was bothering him. Yea. She’d been a very stupid woman when she had let him get anywhere near her heart. Anger at herself flashed through her but she just ground her teeth together and kept watching the beautiful couple.

  His wife was short but her tall heels helped make up for it. She still only came up to the middle of his chest. They were both dressed in business attire. Cole was in one of his amazing suits and she was in an equally tailored knee length navy business dress that showed off h
ow thin and petite she was. Her perfect hair was pulled back into a low messy bun at the nape, loose tendrils framing her beautiful high cheek bones and bright blue eyes. The couple didn’t look like they were going through a rough time, they looked perfect. Neither had a hair out of place or a wrinkle in their extremely expensive clothes. Meanwhile Gwen was wearing dirty jeans, a baggy shirt and her long wavy hair messy and tucked behind her ears with a slight buzz still from being at the bar. To say there was a big difference in their appearances would be an understatement.

  The couple was looking at each other, while talking quietly together. Not paying attention to any of the other people on the street with them. They turned to go into the expensive little restaurant right next door to the office. Cole’s wife entered as he held open the door for her. He looked up, his eyes landed right on Gwen as he was turning to go inside. A look of surprise flashed over his face at seeing her there. She didn’t wait to see anything else, she didn’t need any more humility to add to her already crumbling life. She turned away quickly and walked the opposite direction as fast as she could. She slipped into the first bar she found.

  She ordered another whiskey, knocked it back and got a refill. Hell, at this rate she was going to be toasted before noon. Didn’t matter, not like she had anything else to do. She could sit at the bar sipping her glass of whiskey all day and it really wouldn’t matter.