Agatha Parrot and the Floating Head

by Kjartan, Poskitt

  Next lesson was art, and that’s Bianca’s speciality. Everybody had to do a jungle drawing, then at the end they were all collected up and Miss Pingle looked through them. ‘That’s a really nice elephant Bianca,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘Oh, but look at this!’ She held up a brilliant picture of a tiger up a tree. ‘Who did this one?’ Ivy glanced at Bianca who got hold of the Other Martha’s arm and raised it in the air. ‘Well done Martha!’ said Miss Pingle. ‘And you did it with your gloves on too!’

  Next it was playtime. Everybody went outside, and me and Bianca put our arms round the Other Martha to take her with us as if she was walking. Ivy and Ellie crowded round so it wasn’t obvious that the shoes were just dragging on the ground. We sat down on the bench with the Other Martha between us.

  ‘It’s numeracy next,’ said Ivy. ‘Miss Pingle’s testing us on the six times table today. Does anyone know it?’

  ‘Six times four is twenty-four,’ said Ellie. ‘That’s my favourite because it sort of rhymes. And six times six is thirty-six rhymes even more. And then six times eight is forty-eight so that rhymes too.’

  And so Ellie ended up offering to do Martha’s times tables test. Yahoo, go for it Ellie! After that it would be quiet reading time, then in the afternoon we were going to have a class history project. I couldn’t see what could possibly go wrong but then . . . arghhhh panic panic! Guess what I saw outside the railings?

  It was the real Martha waving at me.

  I ran straight over. ‘Move you clot! Quick, go before somebody sees you!’ We both ran along the railings until we got to the high wall at the end where we could whisper round the corner to each other.

  ‘Why am I hiding?’ asked Martha.

  ‘Because you’re already here!’ I pointed at the Other Martha in the bright spotty anorak on the bench. ‘You’re supposed to be sick.’

  ‘I’m better now,’ grinned Martha. ‘I’m meant to stay off but Mum’s dropping me into school sometime after lunch because she’s got to go out.’

  ‘But you can’t walk into class if you’re already sitting there!’ I told her. ‘When you come into school, you’ll have to hide in the toilets.’

  ‘What, for the whole afternoon?’

  ‘It’s not my fault,’ I told her. ‘If it hadn’t been for you and your pineapple and olives and octopus paste . . .’ Martha’s face suddenly looked green again, so she wasn’t completely better. ‘OK OK!’ I said. ‘When you come in, get to the toilets. I’ll try and switch you over. But now go, before anyone sees you.’

  After playtime Ellie managed to stay brave and keep her promise to do Martha’s times tables which was a bit brilliant. Halfway through she whispered to me:

  ‘Doing this times tables test is THE most exciting thing I’ve EVER done in my WHOLE LIFE.’

  YO! GO ELLIE! After that it was reading time so we just got a big book and propped it up in front of the Other Martha. For one happy moment I thought I could relax but . . .

  Miss Pingle was sitting at the front marking everybody’s tests and writing the results down in a big book.

  She was making some funny little ‘mmm’ and ‘ar’ noises, but then she went ‘ooooh!’

  Miss P looked down again, checked some more results, then went ‘oooh!’ and this time she looked up and gave the Other Martha a long stare. Eventually she got up and started to walk across the room towards her. I had to stop her, so I jumped up to get a new book from the shelf which blocked her way.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Martha doesn’t seem herself today,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘Her handwriting looks different.’

  ‘Is that a problem?’ I asked.

  ‘No, not really,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘But she’s also got top marks in all the tests.’

  ‘That can only be because you’re such a good teacher,’ I said, but it didn’t seem to work this time.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘But if she’s so good at tests, how come she’s so bad at reading?’

  ‘Reading?’

  ‘She’s been looking at that book for the whole lesson and she hasn’t realised it’s upside down!’

  Oh no! How stupid was that? But then Ivy put her hand up. ‘I’m reading mine upside down too,’ she said. ‘It’s the new fashion.’

  ‘Me too!’ giggled Ellie. She was really getting into this.

  ‘Tee moo,’ said Bianca. ‘I mean me too.’

  By the time Miss Pingle looked round the class, all the girls had sneakily turned their books upside down and even some of the boys had joined in. Of course most teachers might have got a bit strange at this point, but when you spend your Sunday evenings deciding what colour hair to have for the next week like Miss Pingle does, a few upside down books isn’t going to rattle you. Miss P just went back to her table.

  ‘You’re mad,’ she said as she sat down and doodled a few more ticks and crosses in our books. ‘All of you. Mad mad mad.’

  Big respect for Miss Pingle. She’ll go far that one.

  The Other Martha Puts her Foot in it

  At lunchtime the Other Martha decided to sit with us in the hall ha ha, of course she didn’t have a lot of choice actually did she? The good bit was that Ellie passed her half a sandwich and sat there with her hand in the air waiting for Martha to take it.

  ‘What are you doing?’ asked Ivy.

  ‘Oops, sorry!’ said Ellie and she blushed red. ‘Martha always helps me finish my lunch. It’s just habit.’

  ‘You’d have been a bit freaked if she had taken it!’ laughed Ivy.

  While the others were finishing, I went off to see if the real Martha had arrived. She wasn’t in reception so I checked all the toilets, but she wasn’t there either, so I went out to find the others in the playground. They were all back on the bench with the Other Martha between them, but Gwendoline Tutt had decided to try to squeeze herself on too. She had her bully friend Olivia with her, although she isn’t really a friend, they just hang out together because nobody else likes them.

  ‘There’s no room,’ said Ivy hugging the Other Martha to stop her falling off.

  ‘You lot think you’re so clever because you’re going on this trip, don’t you?’ sneered Gwendoline.

  ‘Just leave us alone, can’t you?’ said Ellie which was pretty brave for her.

  ‘Ooh, look who’s bossing us around now!’ said Gwendoline. ‘Why should we do what you say?’

  ‘Yeah, why should we?’ laughed Olivia and she grabbed Ivy’s arm and tried to pull her off the bench. Ivy went a bit hyper waving all her arms and legs and everything so Olivia backed off and grabbed Bianca’s coat instead, but Bianca slapped her hand away YO! GOOD ONE BIANCA. Then Olivia ducked down and grabbed Martha’s foot, only it wasn’t the foot, it was the shoe tied to the trouser leg. Olivia thought she was pulling Martha off the bench but the shoe came away in her hand and she fell backwards and landed with a bump on her bottom ha ha!

  ‘Get up!’ ordered Gwendoline crossly.

  ‘But her foot came off,’ gasped Olivia.

  ‘Let me see that,’ said Gwendoline and she snatched the shoe from her. I came running up from behind them and tried to snatch it back but Gwendoline saw me and ran off and there’s no way I can catch her because she’s got long skinny legs like a giraffe.

  That left Olivia staring at our Other Martha who had a foot missing and a bit of newspaper poking out of her trouser leg. ‘That’s not Martha, is it?’ she asked. And then before anyone could say anything she ran off shouting ‘I’m telling Gwendoline!’

  Miss Pingle was just coming out to ring the bell for the end of lunchtime so the only thing we could do was get the Other Martha back into class as fast as we could. Obviously all the other kids would know about her by the time lessons started. I just had to hope that the real Martha would turn up before the teachers found out. Hope hope hope.

  It’s Tudor Time!

  By the time we got back into the classroom, even the boys knew what was going on. They
were having a laugh but were keeping it secret because they wanted to go and see the mummies just as much as we did. Most of us were still wearing our coats including the Other Martha with her bright spotted hood. The good news was that Miss P had pulled the blinds down so it was a bit darker and it hid the balloon face better. What was even better was that Miss P was having another go with the electronic white board.

  ‘Settle down everybody,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘This afternoon we’re going to do some work on the Tudors.’

  Wicked! We like the Tudors because they did lots of chopping off heads and things. It’s a shame you can’t book them to do parties. These days the Queen is only allowed to wave a bit when she goes out, so she must be a bit fed up even if she does charge £1000000000 to come to your church hall with a disco.

  Anyway, Miss P pushed a button on her laptop and sure enough a big title came up on the screen saying The Tudors. We all gave her a little round of applause because she’s rubbish at computers and it probably took her all night to get it right. She smiled and said, ‘The first Tudor king was Henry the Seventh in 1485.’ My my, how jolly interesting. ‘Now then, can anybody tell me who this is?’ She clicked the mouse button.

  ‘Henry the Eighth!’ we all shouted. We like him because he had six wives which is pretty good going for a big fatty who wore tights.

  ‘Correct!’ Miss Pingle was starting to relax, and that’s when the best bit happened. She clicked the mouse again. ‘Can anybody tell me who this is?’

  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  ‘Yes Miss, it’s your boyfriend Dave wearing funny shorts and eating an ice cream.’

  ‘Eeeek!’ said Miss Pingle blushing bright red. She wiggled the mouse around and clicked it a few times. We got a green triangle that said it measured 5cm along the bottom BORING then we got a map of Birmingham followed by a nice one of Dave and Miss P doing some LONG KISSING.

  Wa-hoo! Suddenly the white board went black because Miss P freaked out and pushed all the buttons on the keyboard at once. ‘Oh dear what a pity it’s broken,’ she said. ‘Never mind, we’ll just try to act it out instead.’

  Acting out the Tudors? Brilliant. Miss P had found this old play about Henry the Eighth. It was called Henry the Tudor Dude. Matty got to be King Henry and Liam was the funny executioner.

  ‘Who wants to be one of Henry’s wives?’ asked Miss Pingle. Ivy always wants to do acting parts, so her hand shot up in the air.

  ‘Oh yeah wow me please wow yeah please me yeah wow please can I please please please . . .?’

  ‘YES IVY YOU CAN!’ said Miss Pingle otherwise Ivy would never have shut up. ‘You can be Catherine of Aragon. And Martha, you can be Anne Boleyn.’

  It was only then that we realised that Ivy had been holding the Other Martha’s arm to keep her steady, and when she’d put her hand up it looked like Martha had put her hand up too. This was going to make things a bit awkward!

  The Strange Story of Queen Martha

  If you know the story of Henry VIII then you’ll know that he had Anne Boleyn’s head chopped off. (If there’s any space left at the end of the book, I’ll tell you about Henry and his wives because it’s dead interesting and he chops his wife’s head off twice. That’s not the same wife by the way ha ha! The second one was a different one but they both turned into ghosts. How cool is that? You’ll love it.)

  Liam had got all excited about this head chopping business because he was the executioner. ‘I can’t wait!’ he said. ‘But how do I chop Anne Boleyn’s head off in the play?’

  ‘With this!’ Miss Pingle held up something she’d found in the store room. Ta-dah . . . you should have seen Liam’s face! He was expecting a whopping great metal axe, but it turned out to be about the size of a spoon, made of soft gold plastic and had Pirate Pete written on it. If Henry’s axe had been like that, they wouldn’t have needed to chop Anne’s head off because she would have died laughing.

  Miss Pingle passed the axe over to Liam so he could have a practice swinging it round. Everybody was watching him, apart from me and Ivy. We were wondering what was going to happen when he had a go at the Other Martha? All we could do was play along and hope for the best.

  While the others weren’t looking, we bent the Other Martha over the table so the hood with the balloon in it was sticking over the edge. It looked exactly like Anne Boleyn would have looked on the chopping block, especially if Anne had been wearing a blue coat with yellow spots. Maybe she was? I don’t know, they never tell you things like that.

  ‘Anne Boleyn’s all ready,’ said Ivy.

  ‘Thank you Catherine of Aragon,’ said Miss Pingle and we all laughed a bit even though it wasn’t all that funny.

  The blinds were still down so I took the chance to pretend that it really was Martha for Miss Pingle’s sake.

  I bent down and said to the hood, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Liam doesn’t really chop your head off. You just make sure you lie perfectly still.’

  At least that was the one thing that the Other Martha could do!

  Everybody cleared a space as Liam came over with his axe. He raised it up ready to chop off Anne Boleyn’s head. Miss Pingle passed Matty a piece of paper with a line for him to read out.

  ‘Anne Boleyn, you have been found GUILTY,’ said Matty in a big king-ish voice. Everybody cheered HOORAY SUPER BRILLIANT GET ON WITH IT. ‘Executioner, do your duty!’

  ‘STOP!’ came a voice from the doorway.

  Oh potties. Not HER. It was just starting to be fun.

  ‘Miss Barking?’ said Miss Pingle. ‘What can I do for you?’

  Miss Barking walked straight up to Liam and took the plastic axe from him. She held it very carefully at arm’s length as if it was an old smelly football sock.

  ‘I was just coming to tell you that I’ll be your second member of staff on the museum trip tomorrow. But there won’t be any museum trip if this is what you’re going to teach them, Miss Pingle.’

  How BORING was that? The trip wouldn’t be any fun at all if Miss Barking was coming.

  ‘But it’s only a plastic toy,’ protested Miss Pingle.

  ‘It shouldn’t even be in the classroom,’ said Miss Barking passing it over to Miss Pingle. ‘See it goes back to the store room now. While you’re out I’ll make something more suitable for you to use.’

  Miss Pingle wasn’t pleased at all, but Miss Barking was the deputy headteacher, so she had to do what she said. Once Miss Pingle had gone, Miss Barking made everybody stand back out of the way as she found two thin sheets of cardboard. She rolled one up into a tube and wrapped some tape around to hold it. Then she cut a blade shape out of the other piece and stuck it on the end. She held it up.

  ‘There, children! It’s completely harmless, but it looks just like the real thing.’ Then the cardboard tube bent and the whole thing flopped over like a dead daffodil. Ha ha ha ha ha!

  ‘How can I use that?’ asked Liam.

  ‘You just need to hold it properly,’ said Miss Barking. ‘I’ll show you.’

  Miss Barking came walking over to where me and Ivy were standing next to the the Other Martha who was still bending over the table. Oh no panic panic! If Miss Pingle had found out about the Other Martha then maybe it wouldn’t have been too bad . . . but what if Miss Barking found out? Eeeek! Ivy had her eyes clenched tight shut and all her fingers crossed and was muttering away in fear.

  ‘Is she all right?’ asked Miss Barking, pointing at Ivy with her floppy axe.

  ‘She’s . . . er . . . she’s scared of your axe,’ I said.

  ‘Really?’ said Miss Barking. She sounded surprised which wasn’t surprising. Her axe must have been the most unscary thing ever, but what else could I have said?

  ‘Yes really. It’s so realistic. In fact maybe it would be better if we didn’t do this. Can we just do some sums instead?’

  Everybody looked at me like I’d just turned into a bit of old cheese.

  ‘Eh? What? Sums? BOOOO!’ shouted everyone else, and I can’t say I blamed th
em.

  ‘Don’t you worry,’ said Miss B. ‘Martha will be perfectly safe so long as she keeps still.’ She straightened out her axe, and raised it in the air.

  ‘Now then Liam, watch carefully,’ she said. Very slowly she brought the axe down so that it stopped just above the neck. ‘That’s all you need to do, you don’t even touch her. All perfectly safe.’

  And that’s when the brilliant bit happened.

  The cardboard tube flopped again, and the blade fell on to the back of the anorak hood and knocked the balloon out on to the floor. Miss B was utterly freaked out. She stepped backwards and tripped on a chair and her big glasses fell off. She blinked her eyes at the balloon. She thought she was watching Martha’s head bouncing along with the face turning to look at her.

  ‘YOU CHOPPED MARTHA’S HEAD OFF!’ we all shouted.

  ‘What . . . how . . . why . . .?’ Miss B’s mouth fell open like a dead fish, but then it got even better because the balloon started to float upwards. Miss Barking thought Martha’s head was flying round the ceiling, and it was still staring down at her.

  ‘Arghh . . . no . . . make it stop . . .!’ she was screaming.

  And that’s when the balloon touched the hot light bulb and burst.

  ‘NOW YOU MADE HER HEAD EXPLODE!’ we all said.

  Miss B went all woozy and fainted and landed on top of Matty ha ha! All the others gathered round to have a look, but I grabbed Ivy and dragged her out of the door. I’d got an idea, but we had to act fast!

  The Ghost of Anne Boleyn

  ‘What what what what what?’ said Ivy who was still hyper-jumpy after that balloon had popped.