Atonement

by J H Cardwell

  On one hand, I wanted Tate to know, so he would hurt as much as me, but on the other, I wanted to have as separate of a life from Tate as possible. It hurt too much to think we were connected, even if it was by mere information of each other. I never wanted to read another article or see another picture of Tate’s baseball stardom. Good riddance. Dang, even that hurt to think that way. I had loved him so much, I wasn’t sure if my heart was betraying my brain again, because deep down I wanted him to be successful at whatever he did.

  April 2011

  lle and I packed late into the night. We were getting excited! She spent a long time on the phone with Finn. He knew now, and had promised for the time being that he wouldn’t let Tate know about our plans to go to California, nor would he tell Tate about John and the guys being there. He said it would hurt Tate too much. He also said that Lauren and Tate were not dating, ‘not in the least’. He’d been confused himself by the picture, but he knew they weren’t seeing each other. Evidently she had flown out there to see her Dad. Yeah right. Good cover story. But why was Finn trying to make it seem other than what it was. The kiss told it all, to me and the world. Ahhh, I was hurting again.

  Elle quickly realized my sudden onset of funk, and started trying on swimsuits doing the old fashioned fish dance, holding her nose and shimmying down. I giggled at her silliness, but it did actually ease the hurt a little. I loved Elle, and thankfully, I was forgiving her day by day.

  Our luggage was absolutely ridiculous...so much for not having to check anything. I usually try to take a boarding bag and a large duffle bag on the plane so I won’t have to worry with my luggage getting lost. I also typically didn’t want to have to wait on it at baggage claims, but we weren’t as lucky this time. We each had two large suitcases. They were full of everything we could possibly need if we were staying for two weeks, and then some!

  While we were checking in to US Air, we were told we had been upgraded to first class, as of this morning. What! That was awesome. When I asked if it was because there were empty seats, the lady said actually it appeared someone called and purchased new seats for us. I was confused at first, until it hit me…John. Just one more reason his money came in handy, as Chloe would say.

  We enjoyed our plush ride across the country, having a brief layover in Houston. Just enough time to grab my special coffee from Starbucks. Mmmm. The only problem was it made me have to go to the bathroom more frequently, which wasn’t the most fun in the terminal, or on an airplane. I was always concerned when I flushed on the plane that something was going to be sucked down before I could catch it, like my phone, or something else out of my pockets. I always tried to remember to close the toilet lid first, but it didn’t always happen that way. This time in particular I had finished using the bathroom, and turned around to flush. Leaning over the toilet to push the flush button, my sunglasses fell off the top of my head into the toilet. Great…ugh! Only, my hand was already pushing down the button. Even if I had wanted to reach down into the nasty toilet, there wasn’t a chance. My expensive Dolce & Gabana sunglasses were sucked down into Neverland in the mile high toilet. Ugh! I froze for a second in disbelief. Now what? I would have to go sunglass shopping in La Jolla (or in the airport). There is no way I could survive a week of sun in California without sunglasses.

  I was laughing about it now even when we finally landed. Elle thought I was crazy for being so loopy about losing D&G glasses, but how else could I be? There was nothing I could do about it now, but keep envisioning them being sucked into US Air Neverland! I hoped I hadn’t messed up the plane’s plumbing. Oh well. Luckily there was a tourist gift shop in the terminal, and I grabbed a pair of no name sunglasses on our way to get our luggage.

  We met up with Chloe and Maura at the San Diego airport right outside baggage. It was absolutely amazing to see them!! I couldn’t believe it had been over three months since I had laid eyes on my friends. I ran, nearly choking them both with a fierce hug. Elle joined in too, and it quickly felt like we had never been apart.

  “Damn girls,” said Chloe “I missed you too, but you’re going to mess my hair up.” She laughed bouncing the ends of her hair with her palms. “I’m just joking. Come here you two,” and then she hugged us even harder. Oh how I had missed them.

  After gathering our bags and heading toward the doors, we noticed a man with a black cap and black suit holding a sign ‘Reese Stanford’. I thought what the world! I looked all around and then decided I would talk this out with the girls. We all agreed to ask the man in black why he had a sign with my name on it. He simply said “Ma’am, your ride awaits, ma’am.” I laughed and looked at all three girls.

  “What do you mean my ride awaits?” I looked at his gold name tag. “Mr. Kline, how did you know I would be here?” I asked highly confused.

  “Ma ’am,” the gentleman said with a stern look on his face. “Mr. Rider says to be at your beck and call this week, so that’s what I plan to do. Now please Ma ’am, follow me.” He said tipping his hat.

  Oh good grief. Enough with the ma’am stuff. I looked over at my friends and gave a shrug of my shoulders. “Well, after y’all. It looks like we’ll have an easy time getting around this week.” I gave another light laugh.

  “Damn straight,” smirked Chloe. “Now this is a vacation! Come on, let’s go!” She said putting her arm though mine and practically dragging me out in to the sunlight. Thank goodness for my newly purchased sunglasses! California really is that SUNNY!

  After a short drive to the hotel, gabbing and catching up the whole time, we were carting our bags into our enormous suite. It was modern, beautiful and spectacular! For a brief period, I allowed myself to soak it all in and enjoy this moment…until I thought of him. Tate. What was he doing right now? Oh God, sometimes I thought I would collapse from the pain. I truly thought we would be the epitome of happily ever after. Sure, I knew we would have some hard times, an argument here and there. I figured it would be more about his possessiveness than anything else. It turns out I couldn’t have been further from the truth. I let out a long, intense sigh. This sucked. I seriously couldn’t believe how deeply desolate my soul felt. I thought, please, someone get me out of this despair.

  Elle must have noticed my sullen appearance while everyone else was checking out the suite and getting more and more excited. She walked over to me, nudging my elbow.

  “Reese, it seems we were just here at this emotional place you are in…unfortunately it was because of Tate then too, nearly a year ago. I’m sorry, but he might be…you know, he might be not so good for you anyhow.”

  I looked down to the floor. I knew there might be something to it, or was it me…was I depressed? I didn’t think I was. I loved to have a good time. Maybe it was like I always said, trouble follows me. I am a walking disaster. Uhhh. I wasn’t sure, but it sucked being me sometimes.

  “I’m sorry Reese. Let’s forget I said that please. I don’t want you to go feeling sorry for yourself, okay? Let’s try to focus on what you do have…great friends who care about you, and want you to have an amazing time here. Now come on!” She said grabbing my hands and embracing me, hard. “Let’s get unpacked and throw on our swimsuits and check out the beaches and pools!

  I gave her a half smile, “I’m the one sorry Elle. If you see me get like that again, just slap me, or shake me, okay? But don’t tell Chloe, because she would just slap me for the hell of it and tell me I was being grumpy…even if I wasn’t actually.” I laughed a little.

  Elle laughed too and smacked my butt to urge me to go change. That snapped me out of it a little more. “Ouch! Okay, okay, I’m going!”

  The beach was breathtaking. It was late in the afternoon (although early evening on the east coast), but we weren’t about to miss any sun. After all, we were in California! Everyone on the beach seemed gorgeous and tanned and carefree. It made me envious. I did however have my best friends by my side. Maura was sitting out our towels, while Chloe scoped out ‘prospects’. Elle was calling the canti
na girl to see if we could get drinks. We did look old enough, as long as they didn’t card us. It wouldn’t be too much longer for that to not be a problem.

  I had my iPhone out (the one that John had given me last summer) to play music with the small outdoor speakers. I heard it ping a message. It was John.

  We’ll be there early

  tomorrow Reese.

  Plan for me to pick you

  up around 10am for a

  ride. Just you and me.

  I can’t wait to see you.

  –J

  Oh John. My skin tingled reading his text. I was excited to spend some time with him. But, part of me wished I didn’t have to. Why did things have to change? Oh, what about Tate? I shook the feelings as quick as I could and responded to John.

  I can’t wait to see you.

  I’ll be waiting in the

  lobby of our hotel.

  Btw, thanks for

  Mr. Kline. I can’t believe

  you did that…oh and

  the first class seat change.

  Too much John

  –R

  After a great afternoon on the beach, we were wiped, if not a little jet lagged. We ate at the hotel restaurant and started to call it a night around 11pm. That wasn’t like us to turn in so early, but we were all SO exhausted. However, Chloe had other plans in mind…of course. She had already scoped out a local club to go dancing. She had Mr. Kline, our driver for the week, waiting out front at 11:15pm to take us out. I actually felt sorry for him. I was sure he would be much happier not having to be out so late carting our crazy butt’s around.

  The dance club was huge, and very modern. It had stark white leather seats against a black wall and ceiling. There was also a two story glass bar area with glass shelf, after glass shelf of top brand liquors. It really was quite hard to believe. The floors were also a thick clear glass or plexi-glass, and underneath that a mirror over every inch. I felt like I had to tiptoe so I wouldn’t slide up. I was quickly regretting my decision of a cute little dress though. I’m sure the rest of the girls were too…except Chloe.

  “I feel like I need to fasten a clothes pin between my legs,” I said out loud…really loud since the music was blasting, although very tastefully.

  “Got one?” asked Maura. “I don’t know about this. We might need to find a corner and sit still.”

  “I mean this place is awesome, but this mirror floor is really freaking me out, you know. Maybe if we stay in a tight circle, and where it’s dark, we’ll be okay” I said laughing a little.

  “You girls are ridiculous. Let your hair down and forget what’s under your feet. I mean shit…you’ve got underwear on, don’t you! It’s no different than a bathing suit.” Chloe was crazy but truthful.

  We did, we forgot all about the floor, and had an amazing time. We literally danced the night away until 3am. Then we hung out at a corner bar and threw darts with a fun group of guys until 4am. Luckily, we had informed Mr. Kline that we wouldn’t need his services until a little bit ago, so he had only been waiting an hour. I felt bad about that, but my friends insisted he got paid a stealthy amount if John was in charge. I guess they were right.

  Morning, that is 9 am, came early. Luckily, I felt a little more refreshed and ready for coffee and for the day. Chloe was walking around dazed. “Oh, why does the sun have to come up so early?” she said sinking into the couch.

  We each had on a tank top and cotton short shorts, and hair in loose buns on top of our heads. It was the typical lazy look for sure. Thankfully, the rooms each came with an assortment of cereals and packaged muffins as well as milk cartons and sodas in the mini fridge. That was plenty for us.

  “Well, I didn’t tell y’all this yet, but John and his friends are here. It was supposed to be a secret…”

  “What?” Maura butted in. “I knew Harrison was acting funny. I can’t believe they’re here.” Maura jumped up and down squealing. She was so taken with Harrison. Her excitement was bittersweet for me.

  “Shit, you mean…Brett is coming too? I’m going to SO jump his bones,” seethed Chloe. I couldn’t decide if she was mad, or completely turned on.

  “I should have told you two, but he made me promise not to say anything. He likes a little element of surprise.” I was remembering the spa day and goodie bag he surprised me…us with last summer. Not to mention the late night visit to the hospital when I was recovering from being shot last year. He certainly kept things alive.

  “Well, you girls have fun…looks like I’ll be left out again. But I’m okay with that (she was remembering last year at Emerald Isle). I’ll just be on the phone more than normal…if I can keep up with the time change, to talk with Finn.” Elle was a little disappointed, but I think she was more jealous, not being able to spend time with her man.

  told them John was coming alone this morning. He said he wanted to spend some alone time with me for a couple of hours before getting us all together. They seemed cool with that, although they all gave me the raised eyebrows for what that meant. I wasn’t sure either, I just knew, like I said, he liked surprises. He seemed very romantic. I was just hoping he would keep it toned down. I wasn’t ready for anything over the top in that area yet.

  Those thoughts of course sent me in the direction of Tate. I was still in a state of shock. I loved him so much. I felt like he threw us… our future away. Why? I couldn’t go there. I would get sucked in to that dark tunnel, and may not be able to come out this time. It was never ending despair for me. I needed a reprieve, or else, I didn’t think I would make it. God help me, I couldn’t believe I was here again.

  My rescue came at 10 AM in the form of a loud, engine revving Harley Davidson Street Glide. Oh boy…John! He pulled up in a solid black, sleek motorcycle. I could hear it coming down the street even before he arrived. I had on a sundress, my usual beach attire, and flip flops. Did I say ‘oh boy’? What in the world?

  I watched in awe as he neared the lobby doors carrying his helmet and sunglasses in his hand. I guess what I’ve always heard about ‘a man and his motorcycle’ is true! Man was he HOT! Would I ever get used to seeing his piercing blue eyes, dark hair, and gorgeous body. My heart skipped a beat. Coming up to me, he quickly wrapped his other arm around my waist, and planted a sweet kiss on my cheek.

  “Reese, you look as beautiful as ever. I’m so glad this worked out.” He paused long enough to study my face a moment, then spoke again. “Hey, I have something for Elle. I know she’ll be alone some this week. I don’t want her to get too bored, so I have an unlimited open account for her at the resort spa and at the wine bar.” He produced an envelope from his pocket and ran it over to the front desk. Then, he jogged back over to me, “come on, I’ve got plans for us,” and with that he ushered me out. He had his hand on the small of my back, such a gentleman, and he was basically leading me to his bike. That’s when I remembered.

  “John, um, I have on a…dress. I don’t think that’s usually what one wears on a motorcycle. Should I go change?” I wasn’t quite sure what to do.

  “Nah, you’ll be just fine. Make sure you sit on your dress so it won’t fly up in the back.” He was smirking at me a little. I didn’t mean to sound silly, but I knew I wouldn’t want everyone behind me seeing my black thong if my dress blew up in the wind!

  He handed me a helmet and touching my inner thigh he said, “Just be sure and watch the chrome pipes down low. They could burn you if you touch your skin to them.” That sent chills up my spine. This was going to be an experience. I could already tell. “I’ll try to go slow,” he said finally. ‘Try’ being the optimal word. Here we go, I thought.

  I hadn’t ridden a motorcycle in, well…ever. I had no idea how utterly intimate it could be. John sat near the front and told me to swing my legs around him, making sure I sat on my dress real tight. Then he made sure I scooted up as close as possible to him. Oh my. He pulled my arms around his waist and made me promise to hold on tight, my chest against his back. The position was so very…clos
e. I took in a couple of short breaths. He noticed, and looked back into my eyes.

  “Are you okay Reese?” He asked with the right side of his mouth turned up into a smile.

  “Yeah, sure. I just have to get used to it that’s all.” I said.

  “I sure hope you do… get used to this Reese. I can see us riding like this for a long time to come. I love you scooted up so close to me,” he said. Before turning the bike on, he leaned back to me. I love your touch Reese. I’ll take it any way I can get it. This,”…he motioned to his back and my chest, “is wonderful. It feels so right to me. I can’t believe we’re together like this.” Then he started it up, revving the engine. I wasn’t sure what to feel. We were great together, and part of me loved he was here, and that we were doing this, together so closely. The other part of me wanted Tate here instead. I was supremely jealous of Lauren, and devastated he dropped me…for her…and for baseball. A flashback to Tate and me making out so heavily in my bedroom at Emerald Isle last summer made my breath catch. He told me he would never stop loving me…I told him I would never let him go. What happened? All of a sudden my heart hurt again. Tears came to the surface in my eyes. I didn’t realize John was looking straight back at me while we were stopped at a light.