Atonement

by J H Cardwell

  “Reese…what is it? Are you okay?” he was simply confused and worried.

  “Oh, I’m okay John…or at least I will be. I’m sorry, let’s go okay?” I was trying to urge him to take off.

  “Look, I know you have a long ways to go, but I’m here for the long haul. Please, don’t hide your feelings from me. He reached around grabbing my thigh. “Promise me Reese, I need to know you aren’t lying to make me feel better.”

  “John, you’re so sweet and caring,” I suddenly got strength from down deep “I love being with you and spending time with you. I don’t want you to ever feel like I don’t think a lot of you, okay?”

  His face quickly fell to a flat expression. I think I had just inadvertently hurt his feelings. I know he wanted me to have even greater feelings for him. I did in a way, but there was no way I could voice them, at least not yet…

  “I know Reese, I know you do…” Then he turned to the front of the bike, ready to take off again. The breeze blew a new feeling across my heart. I began to be more carefree with each block we rolled past. I leaned in closer to John putting my hands tighter around his waist. His shoulders seemed to relax more, and I leaned my chin up to his shoulder. I felt him smile. My gold and diamond Tiffany bracelets dangled in the wind. When we stopped at a light, he reached down and caressed my hand, and the wrist my bracelets were on. He was claiming my affection by pointing out what I was wearing he had given me. I was reluctantly allowing my heart to agree, at least for the moment.

  John rode me all over La Jolla and even down in to Gaslamp, where his yacht was docked. We agreed to try that experience out with everyone tomorrow or the next day.

  I was enjoying the ride with John. He smelled so good and despite the cool breeze, he felt warm and a bit intoxicating to be with. We stopped at an Italian nook of a restaurant that he said was completely authentic and delicious. He wanted me to try it out. He also ordered me a mojito and him a beer. It was nice sitting with John, just the two of us. He kept a smile on his face. I know he’d been hoping we could be like this for some time now. It just dawned on me that deep down I planned that we never would.

  “John, how did you know Tate would screw our relationship up? I mean you said so from the beginning that he would. I had such faith in us. I would have sworn that we would have never broken up again.” I was curious, I hated to bring it up, but I had always wondered.

  “Um…” He looked at a loss for words, maybe the first time I had ever seen him that way. “Well, I don’t know how to explain it. I just knew that if you had allowed some secrets that weren’t what they appeared, to divide you both last year, then your heart wasn’t fully vested to talk with Tate and to forgive him.” I had a shocked look on my face.

  “Really, you thought that. Huh, I guess you’re kind of right. I mean looking back maybe that was the reason I didn’t give him enough chances in the beginning to explain himself. I don’t know.” Actually, that may have been the case then, but now, now was a whole different story. We had given our hearts (minus the sliver that I held on to for John) to each other. Then I had a revelation. Maybe Tate was still holding on to that sliver he still had for Lauren. I never imagined he would still have feelings for her, but somehow they must have strengthened. I had to move on.

  “So how is your corporation doing John? Do you have to travel much?” He sat back in his seat, his arms crossed and a cute expression on his face.

  “A little, here and there, I just came back last week from Indonesia. I have another trip planned for Germany in a couple of weeks. Reese, will you come with me some time?” Then he leaned forward and grabbing both of my hands he said very seriously, “I want to show you the world Reese. I hope this is only the beginning.” His sincerity and excitement was hopeful.

  “John, I think those places sound spectacular, but right now I have to focus on my studies and getting my degree. I want to be an anesthesiologist. Did I tell you that? That’s going to take some time…”

  “Oh? That’s great Reese. You’re so smart, and that is a great goal, but if you had someone to take care of you, you wouldn’t need to finish all of that would you?” I was quiet for a moment.

  “Uh, no matter who is ‘taking care of me’, I would have to have a degree in what I would want to do. I have to know I could use my degree to have my own identity. You understand that don’t you John?”

  Another smile played across his lips. “I guess as much as I would like you to have the world without having to work for it, that’s one of the things I love about you, your drive and independence.”

  We talked and laughed for over an hour, then we decided to go roll out on a private beach. John had beach towels in his saddle bag, as well as a bathing suit for him and me. I was shocked when he handed me a white and gold bikini, the tag on it still read $395.

  “John, when did you get this?” holding it out I realized it was my size, “and how did you know it would fit?” I couldn’t believe he was this prepared.

  With a touch on my cheek, he said, “go try it on okay, there’s a changing room there,” as he pointed to a door. When I came back out, John was looking as gorgeous as ever in his swim trunks and unbuttoned lightweight shirt exposing his trim and tan body. My skin got a little flushed looking at his perfectness.

  “Damn Reese. You look like a goddess.” He motioned for me to turn around. “I knew it would fit like a glove. Come on. I have our towels laid out. Let’s go relax.”

  And relax we did. Rihana’s ‘We Found Love’ was playing in the background from John’s iPhone. The lyrics were soothing us, and John leaned over caressing my face with his hands, his body nearly touching on my right side. I turned to face him a little, otherwise the sun was too bright for me lying flat and looking up. When I did, our mouths became so close. My breathing changed quickly, as did his.

  “Reese you are so beautiful, this is still a dream to me…you and me here like this. Do you remember when I first asked you if I could kiss you? You didn’t say no, but you didn’t say yes. I want to kiss you now, is it okay?” He was staring at my eyes, then a glance down to my lips. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his lips.

  I gave a slight nod of my head, and that was all it took. He leaned in softly sweeping his lips over mine. Our eyes were closed, our breathing sharp, I could feel him trembling at our touch. His kiss deepened. I’m not sure if it was because he was giving out up on his elbow, or because he wanted to move forward, but he gently lowered me back on the towel, throwing his left leg over my body. I was melting to his form. Our tongues eagerly found the other, as he would pause to nip at my lower lip or the side of my mouth. His kisses were tantalizing…and they almost made me forget everything…almost.

  “John,” I managed to speak even though our lips were mashed together. “Hey, we need to take it slow.”

  I could feel his arousal on top of me; he was rubbing up against me now through his swim trunks on my most sensitive area. I could feel the heat rising all over my body. I didn’t know how long I could keep this up. I sucked in a quick breath and pulled back.

  “John…I can’t…I’m sorry,” He placed his forehead on mine, and let out a long breath.

  “No, I know. I just, I’m trying to rush things I know, I’m just scared Reese. I want you so badly.” He had a look of pain on his face and his hands were still trembling near my neck.

  “Why rush things?…I…I…need to take them slow.” I couldn’t jump in to another relationship this quickly. My heart was still raw from being brutally broken.

  “I need you Reese, all of you. I’ve been so patient to wait for you, but now that I have you, I’m afraid of losing you. I want you. I need you, forever. I love you.” His eyes were pleading with me.

  “Oh John, no, you can’t need me that much, that can’t be good for you. I need time. I need to heal from my breakup with Tate.” Saying those words out loud caused my voice to catch and tears to rush to the surface. It was still so fresh, the pain of losing Tate.

  “Reese, le
t me help you heal. Please, I need to be with you, I don’t want to go anytime without you. I want a future with you.” What was he saying? “I plan to be the one to take care of you Reese, I plan to be your husband one day.”

  Shit…I was afraid that was where he was going… “John, you’re just caught up in the moment. We can’t. We can’t rush this, I know you’re older than me and you are already set financially and in your career, but I have so much more to do and accomplish. I mean I do love you, but…”

  Then his lips were on mine again. The passion I felt from him was overwhelming. “You love me Reese?” he said between kisses. “You just made me the happiest man alive.” Oh no, what did I just do, I thought? Of course I love him, I have strong feelings for him, but I love… I love…no, I can’t say it.

  He quickly stopped and pulled me to my feet. “Let’s go, I want to take you somewhere.” he said. He was grinning from ear to ear.

  “John, where are we going? We just got here.” My head was spinning. What was he thinking? His joy was contagious though, and I started to grin too. I threw my button down dress on over my bathing suit, and we hopped back on his Harley. Within minutes we were driving through the historical section of Gaslamp, and parking right in front of a quaint little…jewelry store? What in the world? My heart starting racing, and my brain was in denial. Surely this wasn’t what I thought it was.

  We took off our helmets, and he reached for my hand, pulling me in the store. I was speechless. The look on my face must have been one of terror. When John looked at me, he froze. Then he closed the distance between us, gently rubbing his hand down my cheek.

  “Reese, are you okay? You look so pale.”

  I looked him in the eyes, “what are we doing here John?”

  After a long pause he said “Please Reese, I want to buy you a ring.” I sucked in a short breath and closed my eyes tightly. John gently grabbed my face between his hands; I could feel his eyes looking past my lids. Could he feel my trembles?

  “Reese. I want to do this. I want to start forever with you now. I don’t want to risk ever losing you again.”

  My mouth was suddenly dry. I was going to be sick on my stomach if I didn’t calm down.

  “John, this is too fast. We’ve known each other for under a year, and we aren’t officially boyfriend/girlfriend or…or anything. I just broke up with the love of my life, I’m not ready”. Oh no, I didn’t mean to say it like that. Now he was hurt, I could see it in his eyes. He dropped his gaze to the floor. I pulled him gently out of the jewelry store.

  He stopped short, pulling me to him, “I just don’t want to lose you again Reese. I think it would kill me this time.” He sounded so utterly desperate.

  “John, trust me, I’ve heard that before. One day, you’ll eat those words. Nothing lasts forever.” I was sure of this. I had started to look at things so temporarily now, knowing the word permanent could only be a figment of my dreams.

  “Don’t say that Reese. I can’t believe you’ve lost that hope…Tate did this to you. It wouldn’t be like that for me…I love you.” Then he whispered, “I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you last summer. Please, give me a chance. Give US a chance.”

  With our foreheads touching and his hands in mine, I resolved that this did feel so good. I wanted to believe in forever, but how could I? Just then I felt my phone vibrate. Looking down at the screen, I froze…

  Tate was calling.

  John saw his name on the screen. “Don’t answer it Reese, he’ll just make you upset.”

  I let it ring several times then looking at John, I declined the call and put it back in my pocket. A few seconds later my phone pinged with a text. It was Tate.

  Why? Why are you at that

  jewelry store with John?

  What are you doing Reese?

  Don’t do this!

  Please get away from him.

  I need you!

  My eyes were frozen to the screen. Then it hit me…“He’s here, he can see us.” After a few seconds of being unable to function, I said, “let’s go…now!” I was frantic. John urged me on the back of his bike, making sure our bodies were as close as possible. He looked back to make sure I was okay, and I maliciously took his face in my hands and kissed him…hard, tongue and all. “Now go!” I yelled.

  y pulse was racing. My body broke out in a sweat. I couldn’t believe I just did that. I must be a truly vindictive person. I had to witness Tate’s kiss with Lauren, in national headlines, no less, so I wanted him to see mine with John. That was all it was to it. John weaved in and out of the lanes making sure Tate couldn’t follow us. I can’t believe out of all of the places we could have chosen to vacation, we chose the exact same place that he was being so secretive about being scouted from. God, why do things always seem to be so difficult? Geez, am I missing your plan in this mess of my life?

  John pulled off on the side of the road near a small café, hidden from the main road. I’m sure it was intentional so Tate wouldn’t find us. The weight of what had just happened finally hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying, I couldn’t catch my breath. John put his arms around me and I sobbed into his chest.

  “Oh Reese, I can’t stand to see you like this. Ahhh. I’m sorry it hurts so much. I wish I was enough to take the pain away.” I heard him let out a deep breath, obviously feeling a little defeated. He was rubbing my back, trying to calm me down.

  “I’m. So. Sorry. John.” I said between sobs. “I can’t believe it hurts this bad either. I want it to go away. Why is he still trying to hold on? He can’t have us both, Lauren and me. He broke my trust, and now he’s not being fair to my feelings either.” I just couldn’t understand it.

  “Hey, listen. Let me take you to my place Reese. You know if you go back right now he’ll try to find you. It will be too hard for you. Let me take care of you Reese.” He was holding me so tight, desperately trying to get me to be okay and turn to him. Just then my phone pinged. Twice. The first was a text that read:

  Reese, what are you

  doing? I can’t believe

  you’re here. I’m dying

  without you, and now I

  know you turned to HIM.

  I’m out of my mind. Please

  call me!

  Then one immediately following his text was a picture of us at Hanging Rock, back in the Fall. We were SO happy then (minus the brief Lisa incident). What happened to us, and how did it change everything SO completely? I knew the answer as soon as my brain had released the question…Tate. That’s how we got here. He chose baseball AND Lauren, for that matter, over me. I couldn’t be sad right now, I was more mad than anything. I rolled my shoulders back, determined to be strong.

  I texted him right back before I could even think it through. Dang it, I should have waited. I knew better than to respond when I was so emotional. I said.

  Damn you Tate.

  Two words. Lauren and

  secrets. I’m sure

  that kiss wasn’t

  all you’ve done

  with her. It’s best if you

  leave me alone.

  He responded back right away.

  Please tell me it’s all YOU HAVE

  done with him! I don’t

  want Lauren, I want

  you Reese. I’m sorry

  I kept things from you.

  I need to see you. Now!

  I was being torn apart word by word. I shouldn’t have to even be having this conversation. I asked John if we could ride to the park we had just passed and let me get my bearings. Once there, I told him what Tate had said in his text. I think he was trying to figure out a way to make me feel better. I felt my phone vibrating. It was Elle calling. I picked it up on the first ring.

  “Elle, Tate is still here in San Diego, and he knows I’m with John,” I blurted out before she spoke.

  There was silence on the other end.

  “Elle, are you okay?” I looked at my phone to make sure I hadn’t lost connection.


  “Reese. Where are you?” He seethed through his teeth. Oh God, it was Tate. I felt my heart beating in my throat.

  “Answer me Reese. You need to be with me, now! Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”

  I was crying now. Just to hear his voice. How did he think he had the right to be so demanding? I turned away from John so he couldn’t hear me, or see my face.

  “Tate” I barely breathed. “I’m not coming to you…I…I can’t.” My composure was faltering. I needed to hang up. “You broke my heart. Bye Tate.” I whispered.

  “Wait Ree…”

  I hung up on him. I was shaking, and I knew now that I couldn’t go back to the hotel. I immediately texted Chloe…

  Are you with Elle?

  Why didn’t you warn me

  Tate was there?

  Let me know when he leaves.