Atonement
Page 14
“Oh well, I have plenty to keep me busy. Let’s hit the mall okay? I have to finish shopping for Christmas gifts.” We planned to meet up and head to the mall in the late afternoon. At least that would keep my mind off of things.
lle and I got pretty much everything on our lists. We had a great time, and I was able, for the most part, to keep my mind off of Tate. The only time he crept in my brain like a lingering memory, was when I found Padres apparel at the sports store.
My body was literally aching for his touch. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and I knew I would be busy with family, thank goodness. I wasn’t expecting to see Tate this week, but now that I had, I couldn’t think of anything or anyone else.
My mom and I watched a Christmas movie on The Hallmark Channel. Around 9:00 pm, she went to her room to watch TV with my dad (at least I think that’s what they were doing), and I had asked my girls to come over. After a quick dip in the steamy hot tub, we watched another Christmas movie on the TV in my dad’s vintage cabin, and gossiped. These were our favorite things to do. Veg out and gossip in the cabin!
Turns out, Elle and Finn definitely love each other, and openly so. Maura and Harrison are talking about their future too, and Chloe…well Chloe swears she’s just having fun with Brett,..and others… We all eyed each other when she said Brett wasn’t into long-term relationships. We knew it probably also boiled down to the fact that Chloe had never, ever committed to anyone. She was a ‘commitophobic’. At least that’s the word we made up for her. She always said, ‘now how can that be true when I commit to being you all’s friend for life’. I guess her phobia only applies to hot guys.
Everyone left by 11 p.m. Tomorrow would be full of running and preparing for Christmas. After I got ready for bed, and climbed in, my phone pinged. Who would this be so late? Tate maybe? But when I looked at the phone, I was surprised, I gasped. It was John. My heart sped up when I saw it was him. He had really backed off over the past few months. I missed him. Maybe if Tate was seeing someone else then…. No, I couldn’t think like that right now. My heart was still physically sore from his betrayal. John’s text read.
Is it Christmas yet?
I think maybe it is
Or at least close enough.
Check behind your front door.
Merry Christmas love! I
Miss you so much.
J
Oh my! What has he done? How did he get a gift to my house? I walked quickly to the front door, my bare feet padding the hardwood floors. We really hardly use that entrance, so I had no idea how long something had been out there. I had to turn the alarm off, and when I opened my door I was hit with a gust of cold air. It was snowing, and it was gorgeous! I could see the thick, heavy flakes coming down in the beams of the floodlights. Wow! I loved snow at Christmas. It made the season seem so real! Looking down on the front door mat, I found a rectangle, flat white box with a silver ribbon. More jewelry? It seemed a little too big for that. I glanced around outside, wondering if I would find anyone, but there was no sign of anyone, anywhere.
I closed the door, and walked back to my bedroom. Opening the box I gasped. After further inspection I discovered I was gaping at the newest generation iPad! Quickly turning it on, I found an icon that showed a missed ‘FaceTime’ call staring right at me. While I was looking at the screen, another FaceTime call was coming in. I hit accept, forgetting how ‘not hot’ I must look right now.
Within seconds, John’s gorgeous face popped up on the screen. My heart melted. I had missed that face. Then he spoke…crap, I missed his voice even more. But my heart did still ache at the betrayal by John…a deep hurt that could never be filled in and smoothed over.
“Reese?” There was a cute grin on his face. “Can you hear me?”
“Hey John! Where are you? Don’t tell me you’re outside waiting to come in?” I said with a huge grin.
“Unfortunately, I am nowhere near Penderton, Reese.” My smile faded quickly. “I’m in Europe for an extended holiday. We had business here, and decided to stay for Christmas. But I will have to say, I’m sort of glad to see that glum look on your face. It warms my heart that you were disappointed I’m not nearby.”
A small smile inched back on my face. “It has been a long time John.” I said trying to change the subject. “How are you?”
“I’m busy as ever Reese. I have been more productive in the past six months than I have in my entire life.” This time it was his turn to show his sadness. “I was thinking I couldn’t go another day without seeing your beautiful face, this is the closest I could get to having that happen I suppose.” Then he got closer to the screen. “Reese, have you forgiven me? I have given you space, I haven’t bugged you to death, I haven’t had spies watching you around the clock either…so, have you forgiven me?”
This was definitely a tough question. I hadn’t really forgiven John. If I had, I would probably be in Europe with him…especially since until this weekend, Tate hadn’t pursued me heavy or anything. “John, I have missed you…more than you could know. You mean SO much to me. But, you’re right. I want to forgive you, and I will, but you messing with my life, changed everything, and caused me so much pain. That’s,” I choked back a few tears, “that’s hard to forgive John.”
Silence on the other end, then John said, “I did it out of love Reese. I did it because I needed you…”
“You did it because you thought you could have whatever you wanted, even if it wasn’t the right way or the right time.” I said cutting him off.
“I waited Reese…”
“The whole time you were waiting, you were putting a plan into action; a plan that would unravel my life and my happiness John. I get it, you thought we were meant to be together, but if that were the case, you should have let time and destiny (God’s destiny) play out. Is it possible to love each other, and not BE together? I’m trying to figure that out with both you and Tate.” I could tell John was thinking about all I had just said. He had a painful expression on his face.
His voice got lower. “So about Tate…I know you know I have my ways of knowing, that you two didn’t date or see each other since April. Please tell me that’s a sign Reese. I know he’s spending his Christmas in California…”
I broke in. “Actually, your PI is falling down on the job John. Tate is here, in Penderton for Christmas.” I looked down at the ground.
John let out a deep breath he’d been holding. “Does that mean you two have seen each other?” He must have caught my facial expression. “You have haven’t you? How was it Reese? Did you two talk?”
Oh no. Did we talk? We did WAY more than carry on a conversation. “Um, you don’t want to know that John.”
“Reese, you didn’t?” His face turned pale. Surely he knew I didn’t give THAT up.
“No! Of course not! But, we did get a little reacquainted…never mind John. I…It’s so good to see you…in …well, ‘semi’ in-person. I am so thankful for my gift. Does that mean we can talk and catch up often?” I really did love the iPad. I was also thinking of how many e-books I could read on there as well. And, I loved seeing John, no doubt.
“Reese. I could talk with you all night. Tomorrow night, okay? We can catch back up tomorrow night.”
“Okay, but don’t forget how different the time zones are…”
“I’ll make sure it’s a good time for you, it doesn’t matter about my time over here. I love you Reese.” My breath still caught hearing him say those words. I knew he meant them.
“I do love you too John.”
“Thanks.” He paused. “Just not enough right?”
“Good night John,” I said giving him my best possible smile at the moment.
I really couldn’t tell him that if it weren’t for the possibility I had the last couple of days with Tate that I would be caving to him right now. I loved them both. But over time, I realized just how much more of my heart belonged to Tate. I had NO idea a heart could ever deeply love two people at the same time. They were both
a better half of me. But as for the two of them, it was like my physical heart had been torn in two and given to each man, only Tate got the biggest half. Would that be enough for him? Should it be? No, it wasn’t fair. He needed someone to love him whole heartedly. I couldn’t do that right now, could I?
Just before I was fully vested into a deep slumber, I heard my phone ping. Barely able to make out who it was in the dark, I finally realized it was Tate. My heart sped up, waking me up completely. I sat up to read the text.
Reese, it’s almost Christmas Eve.
I’m thinking of our kiss today
and all that we said to each other.
Was it a dream? Can I use my raincheck
for ice-skating tomorrow? I’ll pick you
up at 11 a.m. Ok?
Good night Reese. – T
Great, what was I to think of this? I was glad to know he had been thinking of me, but I wasn’t sure why he acted the way he did. I’m all about open communication now. I should have been long before now.
Tate, are you sure you want to?
I mean after all, you did act strange
earlier today, right after our amazing
kiss, and talk. I’m trying to say what
I mean these days. What gives? –R
Crap, I had hit send, then immediately regretted it. I should have played it cool, and acted like it didn’t bother me. But, that’s what had screwed up Tate and me twice now…royally. Our lack of communication…so moving forward it will be wide open. At least it will be from my end. I’m not so sure Tate got the memo. Only time will tell.
Oh Reese, I loved every
minute of us together today.
I’m sorry about earlier. I promise
it was nothing to worry about.
Tomorrow…I can’t wait.
Dream of me…please!
T
If you only knew Tate, I dream of you even awake. Somehow, I had suppressed how much I missed you, missed us. Tomorrow…
he next day went by in a blur. We had extended family over for an early breakfast, and then I rushed to get ready for my rain check date with Tate. I was so eager to see him, I had butterflies all morning.
I was wrapped in NorthFace from head to toe, ready to brave the elements on the outdoor skating rink. The temperature was supposed to be a high of 32° F, with a chance of snow flurries. The worst would be a wind gust of 20-40 miles per hour. I was looking forward to snuggling with Tate to keep the chill off. I ended up having to wait for Tate outside, to keep from burning up in the house. My parents had the gas logs on…they were so much the traditionalist. Christmas and fireplaces went hand in hand.
Tate picked me up right on time, opening the door of his truck for me like a true southern gentleman.
“You look beautiful Reese,” Tate said giving me the once over.
“If you mean beautiful for an abominable snowman, then I would have to agree.” I said with a laugh.
“The abominable snowman never had an ass that would fit in tight jeans and look like that.” Tate said with a wink.
I smacked his arm. “Well, at least there is enough cushion there for when I fall. I’m not great at this, this ice skating thing you know.”
“Don’t worry. Me either. We’ll hold each other up.” He said with a sideways smile. “But first, I wanted to take you by Starbucks and then to a place to hang out and catch up…okay?” He was driving, and not looking straight at me, but I could swear he felt uncomfortable just now. Dang it. What was it he wanted to talk about? Another girl? What? Great, suddenly I felt uncomfortable. “Okay Reese?” He asked again. I only nodded.
Tate came out of Starbucks with two extra hot latte’s. “Just like you like it Reese. And I got the identical twin of that for me. Plus extra hot since where we are going is really cold.” Okay, now I’m more than curious.
“I thought we were going to ‘hang out’ before we went skating. Is it outside too?” I was confused.
“Mmm hmm” Tate muffled through his coffee. Now I was curious. Outside on Christmas Eve, and it wasn’t for skating?
Tate pulled into the driveway of a home, a rather large home. I remembered him bringing me to a bonfire here when we first started dating. He drove the long gravel road to the side of a frosted over pond, completely secluded from everything else. The scene was beautiful. Light snow covered every possible surface, and the pond was frozen over. Oh crap, don’t tell me he thinks I’m ice skating on this thing. I was nervous that’s what he had in mind. Then I saw it, there was a flickering in the distant corner of the pond. It was a fire, a pretty big, in-ground fire. I wondered who else was here.
Tate parked, then came around and opened my door, never saying a word. He had a thick quilt in his arms. Ahhh. Now it’s becoming clear. He had a sly grin on his gorgeous face.
“Tate, did you do this? Did you set this all up?” I was grinning from ear to ear, but with a little bit of a stupefied expression.
“Mmmm, I sure did Reese. I wanted to get you alone, somewhere really alone, and talk. I think we owe that to each other don’t you? We have a lot of great memories of when we first started dating and I wanted to take us back to that time.” Aww, that was adorable. I was crushing hard…just like back in high school with Tate.
“Tate, this is fantastic. Come on, I want to snuggle with you in front of that cozy fire.” This time I was pulling him quickly towards our spot.
After we got situated (me sitting in Tate’s lap on top of the quilt, directly in front of the fire), Tate turned his iPod music on. He played one of the first songs we ever slow danced to – Lady Antebellum, ‘Need You Now’. I immediately got tears in my eyes.
“Do you remember this Reese?” I shook my head yes, I knew I couldn’t talk right then, my voice would have cracked. He continued “We danced to this at the Civinette’s dance…our first real date. I had known you for years, but it wasn’t until I saw you one day, sitting on the brick stairs of the school in deep thought, all alone, that I knew I had to get to know you…I knew then I had to make you mine Reese.” I glanced back at Tate with a smile on my face.” I had caught a glimpse of your profile as I was walking by. Your perfect nose, chin, hair,” He stroked the side of my cheek. I let out a soft sigh. “You were leaning forward, with your elbow on your knee and your clinched fist holding your chin up, looking like your puppy had just died. I ran up the stairs and pretended to trip right beside of you. It snapped you back to reality and out of your deep thoughts. After making sure I was okay, you cracked up laughing.”
“That was pretend?” I whined.
“Shhh, let me tell my story.” I chuckled, he was acting so serious.
“Anyway…I sat down beside of you and asked you to the dance. You stared at me for a little while, like I was crazy, then after entirely too much thought,” Tate tickled me in his lap, “you said yes.”
“You know now why I was in such deep thought. It was only two months after Carter left, and worse, it was two months after my date rape. I was a different person then.” I said very somberly.
“I know that now Reese.” He hugged me tight, and let out a long shaky breath. “I had no idea then of course. That was one of the longest months of my life. I couldn’t wait to take you to that dance. I knew you had broken up with Carter. That I did know, and I was determined to make you forget him.”
“It took some time, but you did just that Tate.” I said confidently.
“Yeah, that night of the dance, my first time smelling your flowery scent, stroking your long, soft hair, and feeling your body pressed up to mine was…well it was the end for me. I knew right then, that you were my dream girl. In fact, you don’t know this, but that’s what my friends called you…’My dream girl’. They thought you were unattainable, but I knew time would win you for me.” I could feel Tate smiling behind me. Then I felt him tense up a bit, “Of course I had no idea what you had been through. I never knew just how delicate you really were then Reese. Your strength still amazes me.”
“Yeah, it was some messed up shit…for both of us. Now, back to my story…” He squeezed my waist. I was so warm and cozy sitting with Tate, still sipping on my latte. “I wanted to spend every minute with you. I couldn’t believe how often you came to my practices and then my games. You were amazing Reese. I loved watching you, and spending time with you, although I was definitely the jealous fool…you were right. By the way, I’m still talking with your counselor at least every two weeks. I started out with bi-weekly, in-person sessions, and then I was able to do phone calls. I was traveling so much to California. Face to face was too hard to schedule. I didn’t see how much my lack of faith in you was being demonstrated in my actions. I was too damn jealous Reese. I’m sorry. I truly am. It’s hard for me though. I was worried for your safety with other guys, but mostly I was worried they would want you…and maybe a part of you would want them back. I know, crazy, but it was true.”