“What about my dad? Is he dead?” Apparently her answers to the other two questions weren’t enough. He was going to get the answers to everything or he’d be on her like a dog on a bone.
She’d been through it before with him but on other things. Please, please, don’t ever mention remote control cars around him again. The last time she’d dealt with his incessant need for answers had been with the remote control cars he’d seen at a small race track. They’d driven by on their way to the store and he’d seen them. After that, he’d asked everyone about the mini-cars and how he could get one. He’d claimed his mom had no money and he just wanted to get an RC car. Everywhere. Even at school. Nothing had gotten him off that until Tessa had taken him down to watch the cars and one of the owners had let Nathan race one for a little bit. Tessa wasn’t ready for that again.
Sighing, Tessa tilted her head to the side. “Okay, your dad? Let’s get this straightened out, right now. I left him. I... I can’t even tell you why now because I’m so sad about my mom dying. I left your father but, no, he’s not dead.”
A vast array of emotions played across Nathan’s face as he took in her words. “You didn’t like him?” He wrinkled his nose as he tried to put together a good enough reason for why his mom would leave his dad. “Did he take your toys?”
Wanting to chuckle, Tessa bit her lip. “No. He was a sweet man. I liked him very, very much. He never took anything from me and he loved me. I just didn’t want to make him not like me.” So she left, ran, like a coward. Why was she just now accepting the emotional consequences of what she’d done? She could’ve accepted the pain of her choices in Austin, accepted what she’d done and moved on.
Why was she allowing her memories and her vulnerabilities to pull at her while she was in Bride? Things weren’t going to change. She couldn’t beg JJ to take her back. She wasn’t the type to beg for anything. Plus, why would he ever have a reason to forgive her? She’d left him at the altar. She’d publicly embarrassed him.
There was no reason why he would accept an apology from her. At least, not enough that he would want her back in his life.
“It sounds stupid and this feels stupid.” He hung his hands by his side and his shoulders drooped. “Mom, I don’t want to go today. I won’t know anyone and I don’t want to see a dead body.”
His suggestion made her still. Would she see her mom’s body?
She hadn’t even thought about that. Attending a funeral wasn’t something the younger adults did. She couldn’t remember ever going to one.
Would her mom’s body be there and would she be expected to look at it?
Pushing the gruesome possibility away, she put her hand on the tops of her thighs and settled back onto her haunches. “I get it. I'm not a fan of dressing up either. Do you see this dress? I haven't had to wear this in years. Those doughnuts we had back in Austin? They’re sitting right here.” She patted the side of her soft hip. She'd gained a little bit of weight since moving away and she was hoping JJ hadn't noticed. Having a young boy and working all the time made exercising and dieting a low priority.
She glanced at the clock on the wall. The big hand steadily turned toward the hour and the time to go crept closer and closer. She still hadn't figured out what she was going to do with Nathan later that night when she worked the bar. She hadn’t had a chance to tell JJ she would open, but if she worked as the bartender, of course she’d get to keep the tips. She needed any money she could bring in.
Nathan had always stayed with her roommate back in Austin. Tessa had never needed to worry. But now... Tessa was thrust into the same position her mother had been and she suddenly was filled with insecurities and uncertainty.
Would she have to do with her son what Jillian had done with her? Considering the long nights of sitting on a bench in the storage room with a book while listening to the coarse language and inappropriate behaviors of the bar, Tessa refused to put Nathan through that.
Even if she had to close the bar for the night.
She reached out a hand when Nathan stopped tugging on his shirt. Jerking her head toward the front door, Tessa pasted on a too-bright smile. “All right, let's get going. We've got a party to get to.” Party schmarty. She didn’t want anything to do with that day. She wanted to curl up on the couch and go to sleep for however long it took for her life to get back to right. She didn’t want to see JJ and have him feel sorry for her in her too-small dress or see the pain in Nathan’s eyes. She didn’t want to feel ashamed for her circumstances as she stood there with townspeople she hadn’t seen in years.
No girl wanted to come back home worse off than when she left.
She’d borrowed a black hat with a mesh veil from her mother’s coat closet at the top of the landing. Pulling the veil a little bit more over her eyes, Tessa arched an eyebrow. She’d deal with whatever came her way. She was a Sinclair. That’s what they did. The hat had reminded Tessa of Jillian and how she always claimed she felt like Jackie Onassis with she wore it.
Whoever that was.
The pair slipped their shoes on at the top of the stairs and clip-clopped down the steps to the back door. Tessa didn't bother locking the doors. She was a Sinclair. Everybody knew she had no money. Why waste your time on someone poorer than you?
In a town as small as Bride, people wouldn’t try to steal things from the one bartender. They could get in the way of their libations and no one would tolerate that.
The few people on the street seemed to be headed in the same general direction. More townsfolk were out than Tessa had seen the last couple of days since they’d been in town. Maybe her self-consciousness made it seem like everyone was headed toward the big church on the end of Main.
Nope, her paranoia had grounds as the people funneled into the front doors, clutching their handbags and shaking hands with someone standing just inside the front door.
The building hadn't changed, other than being a little bit tidier and a little bit faded like it sat there and waited for each of its town members to come and either get married or die and get buried.
Black Mary Jane’s with a very modest heel clicked and clacked on the sidewalk, making it difficult to hide her agitation. Her heartbeat wouldn’t stop racing. She was nervous, but she didn’t want anyone to know that.
She tried slowing her steps down, but then the click of her shoes sounded too slow. No, that would never do. She didn’t want to go too fast or too slow. What was the perfect speed? Why was she wrapped up in the perfect speed to walk? Especially when it wasn’t important.
Breathe. Just breathe. She clenched Nathan's hand in hers, again, hoping her efforts weren't too hard or too soft.
She had to focus on her breathing. No, wait, she had to keep her gaze on the ground in case she tripped. Should she focus on not stepping on a crack or she’d break her mother's back? The humor wasn’t appropriate but she couldn’t help the smile splitting across her face. Mom would get the joke. If Jillian were there, she’d completely understand.
Tessa focused on the cars driving by and keeping the veil from popping her in the eye. Where had her mother gotten that heinous thing from? Maybe Tessa wore it too far forward or maybe it was too far back. She didn't know. All she knew was that her mom had loved that hat. Well, now, Jillian could feel like a true matriarch of respectability as she was laid out to rest in front of the entire congregation. How had they known what to dress her in?
Tessa pulled Nathan behind the church with her. She couldn’t go in the front. She didn’t want to be seen by anyone. Of course, the gossips would be out with a vengeance and she had no doubt in her mind they were hungry for more gossip which she was always able to give them.
Wow, she sounded like a bitter old woman.
Hopefully, all the people filing inside the church were there because they were grieving the loss and not just there for the spectacle.
Tessa shook her head. Ugh, she sounded like a whining brat. Enough. If she was living in Bride, she had to stop putting such a negative
spin on everything and start being more hopeful. The town people had probably finally noticed that Jillian was a constant in the town and she didn’t have a bad bone in her body.
Acknowledging that was hard since the last thing Tessa and Jillian had fought about was Tessa accusing Jillian of being mean. What a childish thing Tessa had thrown at her mom. How stupid when all Jillian had wanted what was best for Tessa.
“Why are we back here?” Nathan studied the back door of the church with its scratched handle and faded paint. A cement patio stoop led the way and they stepped up as she pulled open the heavy metal panel. Stepping inside, she winced at the almost-too-cool air conditioning and the loud click as the door closed. Silence filled the building in the rear as walls separated the back rooms from the large chapel area.
“Shhh.” Tessa pushed her finger against her lip and walked on tiptoe to the foyer door. Peeking through the thin opening, she studied the layout of the half-full room with narrowed eyes. Glancing over her shoulder, she pointed out toward the congregation where he couldn’t yet see and whispered, “Let’s take a back pew.”
He reached up for her hand, his nerves evident as he nodded carefully. Following her, Nathan filed in behind her as they made their way up the side aisle and tucked into one of the far pews in the back.
Out of sight and in the shadows of the overhanging balcony, Tessa didn’t feel like she had to slouch to stay hidden or sit up straight to prove a point either. For the briefest second, Tessa wished her mom was there to prod Tessa to be more ladylike in church.
“Mom, what’s that smell?” Nathan wrinkled his nose, tugging on the sleeve of her dress.
Tessa rolled her eyes and grinned. “That’s the smell of old women and even older men, rotten wood, and moldy bread.” She winked at her joke and leaned back up to scan the crowd of the church.
She avoided looking at the front of the church with all her might.
JJ’s Aunt Suki had claimed a pew right up front. Tessa narrowed her eyes slightly. She wasn’t amused that Suki had warned JJ of her arrival. Tessa had expected it, but that didn’t mean she had to do it.
Ah, Nancy Redd and her husband claimed a spot on the end of a pew opposite the aisle of Suki. Nancy Redd was the town’s matchmaker and one of the master busybodies. There was a skill and an art to doing what Nancy and Suki did.
Nancy glanced toward the back of the church toward the doors and the lines of her face seemed deeper.
Everyone looked older. Seven years sure changed people. There are a few new faces that Tessa didn't recognize and a few she did. She didn't know if that was good or bad.
Maybe some people had stayed because they couldn’t escape. Tessa was only there because a death in the family had dragged her back... and circumstances forced her to stay. She didn’t mind though. She’d be happy doing whatever she could as long as she could feed her boy.
Wincing, she realized the same pastor who had been there to marry her and JJ had taken his place at the front of the church at the pulpit.
Beside an open casket.
Chapter 10
Tessa
Her gaze scanned the open top lid and she stopped breathing.
She just sat there, moving her hand from a clenched position to an open stretch. She finally reached forward, gripping the edge of the pew and leaned toward the front of the church.
Her mom was in the casket. She hadn't even had a chance to see her. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t think or do much of anything.
As if filled with magnetic material, Tessa stood slowly, murmuring to Nathan, “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” The tug on her insides increased in strength and she swallowed, staring at the casket as she continued walking toward it. Ignoring the crowd of people as they turned to stare at her, she approached the large white box as if on a cloud of viscous material intent on sucking her back.
When she finally reached the steps leading up to the viewing area, she paused. Did she want to continue? Did she want to see her mom there? Fear engulfed her and she reached up, clutching the base of her throat.
But she didn’t stop. She continued, approaching the side of the white casket that had to be worth more than Jillian could afford, more than Tessa could afford.
The whisperings and murmurs in the church grew louder as people recognized her and she didn’t care. She just hoped Nathan was okay. Even as she thought it, she couldn’t turn around. She couldn’t look away.
Fingers out, she gripped the edge of the casket and walked close enough to see inside.
Her mom was asleep. No way was she dead. She couldn’t be dead with that peaceful expression on her face – the same one Tessa had seen countless times as she’d gone to wake her mom up before she went to school. Her mom’s hands were folded at just above her waist with a sunflower in her grasp and she wore a very sedate blue outfit that, if she’d opened her eyes, would match her gaze.
Curls in her hair and a soft look to her makeup showed someone had taken their time getting her dressed.
Jillian looked classier and more refined than the last time Tessa had seen her. They’d both been yelling and Tessa had been crying, so who knows how barbaric they’d appeared to the other or to anyone who would’ve seen.
Softly, Tessa stretched out her hand and touched the smooth skin of Jillian’s cheek. She shook her head as she scrunched up her nose and the tears she’d been fighting for so long finally tumbled down her own cheeks. She sniffed, wiping her nose and looking toward the ceiling of the church.
That wasn’t enough, though.
Emotions overtook Tessa and she looked back to her mom and half-yelled, “You weren’t supposed to die. You haven’t met him and I need you. Why?” She slapped the top of the casket lid that covered the lower half of Jillian’s form. “Dang it, mama.” Tessa’s shoulders curled forward and she folded her arms at her waist, sobs heaving her forward and to the side.
Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around her from the side and Tessa was led from the viewing platform. “Come on, let’s go over here.” JJ’s deep voice didn’t boom as he murmured comforting platitudes to get her to go with him. They left the chapel and went into one of the back rooms she’d entered through.
JJ deposited her on the bench and then disappeared for a moment, returning seconds later with Nathan in tow. Nathan sat beside Tessa and awkwardly patted her back with his eyes wide.
Claiming a seat on Tessa’s other side, JJ leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Tess. I know you’re going through a lot.” He didn’t say anything else which meant a lot for her.
Unable to stop herself, she leaned toward him, grabbing his hand in hers and resting her head on his shoulder. She sniffed and plaintively cried on him. “JJ, I messed up. I didn’t mean to stay away so long. The longer I went though, the harder it was to come home and now...” She reached over and pulled Nathan closer against her side, unwilling to lift her head from JJ’s support.
He didn’t push her off or move away so she held onto that with all the fervor her broken heart could handle. Just for a minute. She just needed to not be alone for a minute.
Even with the overwhelming pain of losing her mom before she had a chance to fix things with her, Tessa couldn’t help but note that she sat with both of the main men in her life – her son and his father. The feeling of family belonging overtook her and added more tears to those already streaming down her face.
Counting to five in her head, she slowly leaned back from JJ, swiping at the moisture on her cheeks and dabbing at the soft skin under her eyes. She looked upward as she tried not to smudge her makeup and wrapped an arm around Nathan. She smiled brightly at JJ when he looked over at her, pain equally marking his features.
She reached out and patted his knee. “Thanks, JJ. I appreciate your support.” Did she scream at him how much she still cared and how stupid she’d been to leave? Nope. Not right then when her emotions and vulnerabilities were at an all-time high. What if he said too late?
What if he didn’t feel the same? Or what if he didn’t forgive her? She couldn’t be able to recover in that moment. Not right then.
He nodded, accepting whatever he suspected had just happened and pushed himself to stand. “Take your time. The funeral won’t start for a few more minutes.” JJ glanced at Nathan and offered a handshake. “Nice to see you again, little man.” He glanced at Tessa, his eyes full of questions she didn’t want to answer. After a drawn out space of time, he jerked his chin down and turned, leaving them in the alcove of the church.
Tessa jiggled her legs, her feet tapping in a weird raucous clicking that wasn’t loud, it was just random. She tried to shake off the feelings she’d just encountered and doubted she’d ever be able to avoid facing them head on.
Another moment passed, her tears stopped completely and she wasn’t sniffing anymore. Nathan hadn’t said much but she was glad JJ had retrieved him for her. She leaned down and lifted his face to see more fully. “Are you good to go back in?”
He nodded, worry darkening his already dark eyes. “Are you okay, Mom?”
“Yeah, I’ll be just fine.” She stood and led the way through the door, not allowing her previous lack of composure to alter any of her confidence – at least exteriorly. She pulled a smile together on her face and walked toward her pew in the back, ignoring all the swiveling heads and murmurs.
Scanning the congregation for JJ’s familiar face so she could offer him a smile of gratitude, she stopped looking when her gaze fell on his family dark hair and strong, handsome features.
His broad shoulders in a well-tailored suit made her catch her breath. His tenderness in the alcove and dealing with her situation only added to her gratitude and she smiled softly at him when his eyes focused on her. He looked away quickly, glancing to his left at a woman with intricately braided red hair and an elegant slope to her neck. A pert nose and full lips combined with large eyes and smooth porcelain skin rounded out the look of perfection in the woman sitting beside him.
Bride and Prejudice Page 6