Press Gnome

by Skyler Wood

  "But you think otherwise," Cosmo said, trying to shift position in the chair. It wasn't working. Every motion only seemed to make him sink deeper.

  "The thing is, when one of them didn't ask the right question and it's something important—she knows. I can't help but to think she is running some con herself. She saw something in you," Vex said, leaning forward to watch Cosmo sinking even deeper into the chair.

  "So you're for real," Cosmo said, having now completely lost sight of Vex.

  Cosmo felt a hand on his arm pulling him free, and he sucked in a deep breath as he was freed from the chair.

  "We can use this to come out ahead. Do whatever it is you do and I'll back you up," Vex said.

  Cosmo believed her, and if she was a liar, she was a good one. It didn't make this situation any better. Like the chair, he was in over his head.

  7

  Cosmo hit the street with a bounce, and a few seconds later Vex tumbled after him. As soon as they'd woken up they'd gone to try closing out some of the paper's old debtors, and it wasn't going well for them. Instead, it was going great for those owners of large businesses with lots of muscle.

  "This could be going better," Cosmo said.

  "Want me to put up a fight next time?" Vex asked, sitting up and scowling at the doorway.

  "You think if you did, and the town guard got called in, there's even a chance they'd take our side?"

  Vex frowned and shook her head. "No, you might have your marching orders from the queen, but I think she probably expects you to solve things yourself."

  Cosmo had the same thought. Whatever the queen was playing at, she wanted results and not more problems.

  Cosmo got back to his feet and dusted himself off. "Well, this isn't working and I know why. I'm all confused because I'm trying to do this legitimate. It has me all backwards."

  "So how do we turn this around?" Vex said, getting up too.

  "We've got a list of old debtors. We've got a list of old employees. But neither are going to listen to us, and why should they? We don't go to anyone hat in hand. We make them come to us."

  "I like it. Any idea how we're going to do that?"

  "I've got the start of one. The free press—the magical one running around. Where has it been?"

  "Not a clue, boss, but I know someone that will. Come on," Vex said, taking off with long strides.

  The pace continued for all of one minute until Cosmo was so far behind Vex was forced to slow down. At a more sedate pace they made their way through the city.

  "Grom's" was emblazoned in glowing red letters, a sign powered by magicity above the doors of the diner. A counter was at the back, there were a lot of booths, and a display case was filled with pies. Behind the counter was an Orc in full armor, a horned helmet atop his head and a small dragon perched on one shoulder.

  "Grom," Vex said, pulling Cosmo to the counter. "This is Cosmo. Cosmo, Grom. Grom is an old friend and Cosmo is the new boss."

  "You're with the Thieves Guild?" Grom said, squinting down at Cosmo. "Guess it makes sense for a halfling."

  "Not hairy enough to be a halfling," Cosmo said.

  "Goblin?" Grom guessed.

  "I'm not green," Cosmo said.

  "Gnome, and he's not a thief either," Vex said, lifting Cosmo onto a stool. "We're looking for information, and pie. Information and pie."

  "She decided on that last one just now," Cosmo said.

  "I decided on that one before we came. I plan ahead."

  "So a diner? Really?" Cosmo asked.

  "Used to be the roughest, meanest bar in the city. Oh, those were glorious days. Needed full armor just to survive the night, and we didn't have a week go by without a dismemberment," Grom said proudly. "Then the neighborhood gentrified. You try running a murder bar in this neighborhood now."

  "Best pie in the city. People come here. Rich people, poor people. They talk and Grom listens," Vex said.

  "And sometimes other people come for information to learn what people talk about. Too much talking, not enough axes," Grom said.

  The dragon upon his shoulder looked about blearily. Grom tossed a piece of pastry over his shoulder and the dragon snapped it out of the air.

  "One of the best information brokers in the city and he hates his job," Vex said.

  "I'm a block away from the bardic college. You'd hate your job too," Grom said.

  Cosmo did see several 'No Bards' signs scattered around the place. They weren't subtle.

  "Ever meet a bard?" Grom asked.

  "I've seen them in inns once or twice," Cosmo said.

  "Not working ones. The adventuring ones. They have all these songs that are supposed to pump you up and make you fight harder, but you know what they really do? Seduce. They want a free drink, they'll seduce their waitress. They'll seduce the patrons. I've seen them seduce pie. Pie," Grom bellowed, and the dragon on his shoulder let out a tiny puff of fire.

  "They're pretty amazing," Vex said.

  Grom gave the demoness a dark look.

  "Surprised you didn't join up, Vex," Cosmo said.

  "Not rich enough. You don't want to know what the place costs," Vex said with a shiver.

  "Speaking of paying the bills, how much is this information going to cost?" Cosmo asked.

  Grom moved behind the counter, cutting out two slices of cherry pie and sliding them over, followed a moment later by two mugs of fizzy root beer.

  "Pie first," Grom said.

  Vex snagged the coin pouch from Gom's waist and pulled out two of the coins. It was far in excess of what the pie should cost.

  "The free press. We're looking for where it's been active," Vex said.

  "Oh, that thing," Grom said. "Thought about hunting it. Been awhile since I hunted anything."

  "Then you figured out where it might be," Cosmo said.

  "I've got three sightings. Chaucy Street near Assembly hall, the Wagoners district in the undercity, and near the old Press Building in the industrial district," Grom said.

  The last sighting was obvious. They'd seen the press there for themselves, scavenging for supplies. If it had a lair, the Press Building was it.

  The other two weren't so easily explained.

  If it was active in those two other places it had a reason. Likely, the magic powering it was driving it to seek stories. There was something there, something of great public interest.

  Whatever it was, if they could figure out what the press was doing, they could leverage it.

  8

  The pie proved to be as legendary as promised. Cosmo decided that whatever else they did, the diner would have to become a regular stop.

  "So you read a lot? I noticed all the books back at your place," Cosmo said.

  "Girl wants to get ahead. And I know, I know, you're thinking a succubus could just sleep her way to the top," Vex said.

  "I wasn't thinking any such thing. Just wanted to know about the books."

  "I want to be more than just the bits I was born with. More than just a demoness. You want to get ahead, you need to know everything you can and be ready."

  "I never really wanted to be anything more than I was born with. A wrench in hand and a machine before me has always been where I was happiest," Cosmo said.

  They were headed for the first sighting that Grom mentioned. Chaucy Street was where things got fancy. Ornate carriages thundered along the cobblestones and towering mansions lined the street.

  "This is fancier than the palace district," Cosmo said.

  "Different sorts of the rich and powerful. Palace is old, and the palace district is old. Old homes, old families, and if the old families are lucky, old money," Vex said.

  That made sense. Magicity was everywhere here. Magicity powered lights, golems with sparking chambers in their chests, even a few magicity-powered carriages.

  "While here it's new money and the love of new things," Cosmo said.

  "The newest of people making money in the newest of ways," Vex said, the hunger clear in her voice. />
  "You really want it? All this?"

  "I can't believe you don't. Why run cons if you weren't trying to get rich?"

  "They weren't cons. They just weren't what people were expecting. I was only trying to get by, not have all this," Cosmo said.

  The Assembly building was crowned with a dome of gold and surrounded by well-armed guards, mostly humans and dwarves.

  "What are we looking for here?" Vex asked.

  "You said the free press had left pamphlets and news sheets around. Do you have any idea about what?" Cosmo asked.

  "Gossip about people in the neighborhood. Embarrassing things, but nothing profound, like who is sleeping with who, and who stole a pie from their neighbor's window."

  "You really have a thing for pie."

  "Demon metabolism means never having to say no to pie," Vex said.

  "If I am right about the press it's looking for a story and has some sort of sense of one. Just like it doesn't have eyes, but can still seem to see, it can smell the sort of stories it was designed to print," Cosmo said.

  "Wild guesswork there, but I'll go with it. What is with the neighborhood gossip then?" Vex asked.

  "It can't really investigate. It can barrel through walls with a little effort. Stalking around after dark, looking in windows, it learns all kinds of little secrets, but not the one it's looking for."

  "We'll be looking for signs of the real story it was looking for then," Vex said.

  "Signs which are going to be some knocked-down walls," Cosmo said.

  It sounded all very good in theory, but after searching the street for half an hour they hadn't found anything of the sort.

  "Maybe they knock down their walls all the time and they're already fixed? They have whole masonry squads on call every hour of the day for when they drunkenly take one out. I need an emergency masonry squad," Vex said.

  "What would you do with one? An emergency baking squad I can see—to shower you with pies," Cosmo said.

  "I need both. I need all of the emergency squads. I need to be rich enough to have people prepared to do completely unnecessary things for me at all hours."

  Cosmo stopped the banter when something down an alley caught his attention. No smashed walls, but along one there was a black smear he was fairly sure was ink. Advancing forward he motioned for Vex to follow.

  Even the alleys in this part of town were nice. Free of any litter, except for a scattering of papers as they drew near the end.

  Blank paper, but still suspicious.

  "If it was here, it sure picked a boring place to spy on," Vex said.

  "Something is wrong. This alley is a dead end. I don't see any doors," Cosmo said.

  "So why have an alley at all?"

  "There is no reason unless something here isn't what it appears. You have a talent for illusion magic. Can you sense any?"

  Vex closed her eyes for a moment. "Hard to tell. Everyone in this place is trying to be more than they are. A lot of interference, but I'm not picking up anything right here."

  "Then if this alley holds a secret, it will have some sort of locking mechanism. Move around, run your hand along the wall. If it tingles, there may be a magicity-powered switch," Cosmo said.

  For Cosmo's part he looked for the telltale signs of a mechanical switch. One that was perfectly designed would be almost invisible, but often it was easy to miscalculate the push-back on a switch. It would result in a brick offset from the others in the wall.

  There were no signs of anything. Fortunately, just as he was getting frustrated, Vex called him over.

  Cosmo pulled a panel free, revealing glowing circuits beneath. They meant nothing to him, but this wasn't about him.

  "Can you do your fire thing? Just a little burst in here. We need an extra burst of magic," Cosmo said.

  Vex gestured and a puff of flame appeared over the circuit. There was a spark and the smell of burning before a section of the wall peeled back, revealing a well-lit corridor beyond.

  9

  The tunnel reminded Cosmo a lot of the Press Building. This much magicity was expensive to manage and that made it something of a rarity. The floor was angled, the passage leading downward.

  "You're the local expert. Any idea what this might be?" Cosmo asked.

  "Secret passage is secret, boss."

  "Let's continue on then. Find out what we can, but take it slow. Whoever built this place won't appreciate us wandering around in here," Cosmo said.

  "Let me take the lead. I'm better able to take a hit if something leaps out."

  "You're the bigger target anyways," Cosmo said.

  "You mention pie right about now I'm tossing you down the hall."

  The tunnel ran in a big arc. Initially guiding them away from the district, it seemed to turn back around. There were no side corridors and the tunnel ultimately ended in a large chamber with a spherical roof. This room looked far older than the hall. Stone supports were covered with some sort of lichen.

  Crates were piled around the room, large stacks of them reaching towards the ceiling.

  "A secret store room?" Vex asked.

  "Makes you wonder what was so important that they'd keep it hidden," Cosmo said.

  "One way to find out." Vex moved to the nearest crate, and her nailed fingers dug in as she tore the top from one.

  "Huh," Vex said.

  Cosmo tried to jump and get a proper view inside the crate, and simply didn't make it.

  Vex lowered the crate to the ground so that he could have a look.

  There was a lot of straw and an assortment of objects. A silver goblet with some intricate scroll work, a dagger in a sheath, and a brooch with emeralds and sapphires.

  "Did we stumble on some sort of Thieves Guild cache?" Cosmo asked.

  "That isn't how they operate. They don't stockpile things away. Even if they did, they wouldn't put it behind a hidden door in an alley. I'm going to check some more," Vex said.

  After inspecting a few more crates, the items within varied widely, but all seemed to have some value and be the sort of things found in a wealthy household.

  "I need to look more," Vex said.

  "I think we've got an idea what these hold," Cosmo said.

  "I've got my reasons. It's important."

  "By all means then," Cosmo said, and he found a crate to sit on.

  Vex opened up almost every crate in the place. It took her over an hour. By the time she was done she was looking both tired and thoughtful.

  "So?" Cosmo asked.

  "So, this room doesn't make sense on a few levels. Let's start with the items themselves. Quite a few have sigils of noble houses. Noble houses, as in the old nobility of the city."

  "The people not from this district," Cosmo said.

  "If this were some random thief's stash you'd expect a mix of goods, right? Old families, new families, anyone rich with something to steal? Not so, just all the old families and only the old families," Vex said.

  "Could be an ancient stash—except for the tunnel leading here. Built right to the place, and the lighting is recent," Cosmo said.

  "Right. And again, the Thieves Guild wouldn't have a stash like this. They sell loot as it comes in, they have networks built just for that. They even have an outlet store."

  "Why go to all of this trouble? An alley built just for the tunnel, and a tunnel leading straight to this chamber—which is older than the tunnel or the alley," Cosmo said.

  "And with magicity. All that work wasn't cheap. This stuff has value. I mean it is a pretty decent haul if we wanted to sell it, but they probably spent more building the tunnel," Vex said.

  "Well, we wanted to know what story the press was sniffing. I think we found it. We just don't understand it."

  "We can make guesses. Coincidences can always be a reasonable explanation, but I don't see how this being all related to the old nobility is likely one," Vex said.

  "Someone wanted to hurt them? Someone wanted to make them angry?"

  "I don't see
how this is really hurting them. This stash has some value, and some nobles aren't exactly rich, but this shouldn't be sending anyone to the poorhouse."

  "Making them angry then? The tunnel being lined with magicity powered lights didn't make any sense. But the lights, the entrance in this district. Is someone trying to point the finger at new money?" Cosmo asked.

  Vex began her pacing back and forth. "Maybe. But how would they expect this place to be discovered? Sure, we lucked into it, but they couldn't be sure anyone else would."

  "Maybe we were meant to find it? Maybe the discovery was intended to take place later after being staged in some other way?"

  "This is all just guesswork," Vex said with a huff. "I guess there's a story for the paper here, if you wanted one. Although it is more of a mystery than anything else."

  "We have to figure out what to do about this first."

  "You want to keep it, I can find us a buyer. You'd lose your story though."

  "I'm not doing anything that might risk angering the queen. What I'm curious about is whether we should tell her about this," Cosmo said.

  Vex narrowed her eyes at the crates. "If someone is trying to turn people in her city on each other, I think she'd want to know. Maybe she does know and it's why we're here? It's hard to get a private moment with her, and I don't think we want to announce this in court."

  "Whoever built this room, we'd be doing the work for them. You're clever, I'm sure you can figure something out," Cosmo said.

  10

  Another burst of magic served to seal the secret passage once more and then Vex and Cosmo were headed towards the palace. Vex was able to get them through a servants entrance again and into a winding series of back passages that led below ground.

  "I hope you're not dragging me back to the dungeon," Cosmo said.

  "No. Well, we pass by it. You're not going to like this, and she isn't going to like this, but the queen doesn't have many moments alone," Vex said.

  "This is going to get my head chopped off, isn't it?"