Press Gnome

by Skyler Wood

  "I hope not. If so, mine is probably going to be right there too."

  That wasn't as much of a comfort as Vex seemed to think.

  The passages grew hot from pipes lining the ceiling, rattling loudly.

  Then they were on the way back up. The room they entered was filled with steam. Glimpsed through the fog Cosmo could see it was ornately tiled.

  "Majesty, this is Vex. Don't uh ... call the guard or anything," Vex said.

  Cosmo caught sight of the queen, and wished he hadn't. She seemed to be lounging in the bath. Humans tended to be very sensitive about that sort of thing in his experience.

  "I am well aware of who you are, Miss Darkflame, your stride is distinctive. Unless I am mistaken Mister Cogspinner is with you," Vanya said.

  "Darkflame? Really?" Cosmo asked with a glance at Vex.

  "You are named Cogspinner. You don't get to judge," Vex said.

  Vanya said, "While I am both evil and noble, and therefore inclined against any sort of modesty whatsoever, I would like an explanation about why you've interrupted my bath—and how."

  "The old king liked company smuggled in. Servants talk. And we found something we thought shouldn't be shared with the court," Vex said.

  Vanya splashed around in the water, all but her head submerged as thick clouds of steam rose around her.

  "A dangerous risk to take. I do hope it pays off for you. Tell me what you've found."

  Cosmo explained the events that had led them here, both what they'd found in the Press Building and what they'd discovered when tracking the free press.

  Vanya listened silently, so silently that when Cosmo finished he feared that she might have fallen asleep in the bath.

  "You have found the sort of thread that I hoped you would find, Mister Cogspinner. Pull on it," Vanya said.

  "We thought you might have some more instructions of some kind," Vex said.

  "Clothes, Miss Darkflame," Vanya said, as she began to rise out of the water.

  Vex hastily waggled her fingers. When Vanya cleared the water she appeared to be clad in an identical set of attire as what Vex was wearing.

  Vanya glanced down at herself an arched a brow. "I'd expected something more creative, Miss Darkflame. Be prepared next time. I would ask you both to remember one thing that will make our association function far more smoothly. You are resources of mine, I am not one of yours."

  Vex scowled. "I'm not very good at illusion magic, Majesty. I'd get dressed while those are holding up at all."

  "Improve, Miss Darkflame. Of all the skills you possess it is likely to be one of the more useful," Vanya said, shaking water out of her hair.

  "We'll just be on our way and try to ... avoid ... starting a civil war in your city," Cosmo said.

  "You may use this route and time if you need to speak privately again. Have Miss Darkflame lead the way, her tread is more recognizable. Make certain you have good cause," Vanya said.

  "Did we do wrong by coming today?" Vex asked.

  "I do not invite those who have wasted my time to do so again. You've given me useful information. I expect you to act on it, as you see fit, and in my best interest."

  Cosmo really wasn't sure what to make of Vanya. This woman was far different than the public image, the one that played being so lazy and indulgent in the throne room. And she was also quite unlike anyone in authority he'd ever met. Usually those in charge were desperate to issue orders properly. Vanya had proved herself more than capable of issuing them.

  "Thank you, Majesty," Cosmo said. Pushing Vanya more wasn't going to accomplish anything. Vex was reluctant to leave, and for once it was almost Cosmo pulling her along.

  Cosmo waited until they were out of the palace. Vanya seemed to have ears that were far too sharp, and with all the elves surrounding her it was a poor place for privacy.

  "I really thought she'd help. I'm sorry I took us in there," Vanya said quietly.

  "I think you're underestimating her. I think you're underestimating yourself. She didn't refuse to help us. She refused to second-guess us," Cosmo said.

  "But we haven't even made a decision yet."

  "When you're building a machine for a purpose, you can't always be sure exactly how well it is going to serve. Some engineers will second-guess themselves constantly along the process, but some just build and see what happens."

  "You're saying she's one of the latter," Vex said.

  "I think so. I don't think she has all the answers, but she threw us at something she thought was a problem because she thought we were capable of dealing with it. If we're the right tools, we'll get it done. If we're the wrong ones, she'll throw us out and start over."

  "Guess we better be the right tools. So what do we do now, boss?"

  "We tell just enough of the truth to be the right kind of lie," Cosmo said.

  11

  Their quickly dwindling funds bought them a cart and they waited until nightfall to return to the treasure chamber. A few hours of heavy lifting from Vex and they managed to relocate all the crates into it.

  Then it was off to the Press Building and a few more hours of manual labor to transfer them into the lobby.

  While Vex was doing the shifting, Cosmo was busy in his own right. Everything was about making an impression, presenting the right image.

  Manually setting up a print job was painstaking work, but with his small hands it was quick going.

  Which meant that when Vex finished with the crates, she spent a few more hours turning the crank and loading paper.

  It was almost dawn and their cart was filled with papers. They'd kept things small for this first issue. They could hardly do anything else under the circumstances. Still, whenever selling anything, it was better to have something than nothing.

  Vex blearily leaned against the bar in Cosmo's office while he tried on a variety of hats he'd found in one of the cupboards. One did a reasonable job of fitting, and into its band he carefully fit a card labeled 'Press'.

  "I hope your future plans occasionally involve us getting some sleep, boss," Vex said.

  "No demonic stamina?"

  "Boss, I'm a succubus. Trust me, I've got some demonic stamina. This is just totally the wrong application," Vex said, insulted.

  "We're far from being done. It's going to be a long day. Is Grom as good at getting the word out as he is hearing it?"

  "If he isn't, I'll know who is. What do we need?"

  "People to move these papers. Silver a paper, every ten they get a silver. No more than ten at a time to start, we'll up that as they prove reliable. Return our papers, or our coins, or they're banned from future days," Cosmo said.

  "We'll get some ripping us off, but more looking out for tomorrow. There are a lot of poor kids in the undercity. I can get them, this is better than begging," Vex said.

  "Do it, and if you know someone responsible find them to manage the process," Cosmo said.

  "I know just the person," Vex said, suddenly looking more alive. "We're really doing this."

  "We're doing this. Once you get back we'll knock down the bricks blocking the main entrance. We'll have visitors in a hurry."

  It took another two hours for Vex to return with a small army of children in tow, along with a truly ancient medusa—at least, if the silver serpents that made up her hair were any indication.

  Soon enough papers were flying out.

  Cosmo didn't think they'd have any trouble selling them. Not with a headline like 'Ancient treasure chamber found'. If there was one thing the citizens of Pipopolis loved, it was treasure. It came in even above pie.

  The article made clear that many treasures seemed to belong to wealthy families and they had a week to reclaim them at the offices of the Pipopolis Press.

  It took all of five minutes before the first scam artists and the curious arrived. The first of the truly wealthy thundered up in their carriage ten minutes after.

  Vex stood with Cosmo on a balcony, watching as the crowd flooded in.

  "
Wow," Vex said.

  "I want you to deal with the wealthy. You know who the true old nobles are in this town. If we have any of their treasure, return it. Talk with the scammers too. If they're good at it, we're going to need reporters," Cosmo said.

  "You sure we should be filling this place with a bunch of liars?"

  "Think we're going to find honest people in this city? At least a really good liar stands a chance of recognizing another one. We need pretty much everything else too."

  "Told you, boss. I'm a great judge of people. What are you going to be doing?" Vex was looking far more alive than she had even a short time ago. This sort of thing really did suit her more than manual labor.

  Cosmo wished he felt as comfortable. Dealing with people wasn't as easy for him as machines. People didn't have off switches when they went out of control.

  "I'm in charge. Send people my way who want to talk to me. We pulled on the thread, let's see if anybody pulls back."

  Cosmo met a lot of people in his office over the next few hours. Gargoyles in fancy hats, elves in ancient battle armor. This city catered to all sorts.

  Cosmo kept things as vague as possible, with no mention of where the relics had been found, and boundless enthusiasm about the future of the paper.

  The office started to fill up as the day went on. Vex was hiring people. Cosmo had no clue what that was doing, but that only seemed fair since he was certain they didn't know what they were doing either.

  Most were brought to him by Vex, but he finally got a visitor who wasn't. Cosmo hadn't seen the man arrive or heard the office door open. When he glanced up, there was suddenly a man dressed in black, lounging in a chair across from him.

  "I really hope you're a thief and not an assassin," Cosmo said.

  "Assassins don't let you see them first. They just kind of stab. Pipopolis doesn't have a chapter. I'm Clive, leader of the Thieves Guild. I thought we should chat," Clive said.

  That answered one thing. The head of a guild didn't come out casually. Whatever was the treasure they found, the Thieves Guild was connected.

  12

  "This isn't a casual visit. Why don't you tell me what you want?" Cosmo asked.

  "It could be casual. This could be as casual as we want it to be," Clive said with a thin smile. "You find a treasure hidden somewhere and you don't check to see if it's ours? It lacks courtesy."

  Might that be it? Cosmo didn't think so. Again, the response was too large and treasures were found all the time. A good part of the city's income came from adventurers who were always robbing one tomb or another, although rarely with much to show for it.

  "I think we both know that if I'd come to you with this treasure, you'd have denied knowing about it," Cosmo said.

  It was a bluff, but Cosmo thought he was right.

  Clive considered the gnome across the desk and he let out a low breath. "I don't know what you think you know, or who you are working for, but you don't want to be in the middle of this."

  "I think you know that by handling it as we did, we did you a favor."

  If Cosmo was right, then Clive was here largely to figure out what they really knew. The more he could unsettle the man, the better chance he had of getting more leads to follow up. But the Thieves Guild was also one of the major players in town. Cosmo didn't want them as an enemy.

  Clive stared again for a moment and then chuckled. "You were doing pretty good up until that point."

  The truth was always a thing in motion. Once you figured out which way it was moving, you could start to put things together. If the Thieves Guild weren't responsible for what they'd discovered—and Clive was now acting like it wasn't—they were working for someone who was.

  "You are here to learn what I know. I know you stole those items, but it wasn't your idea. I don't know if you were paid or blackmailed. Still, it would have been a headache for you if that came out," Cosmo said.

  Clive rose from his seat. "I've satisfied my curiosity. I might even be on your side. You'd prefer that to me being an enemy."

  Sometime between Cosmo's blinks the thief seemed to disappear. That was really annoying.

  "I thought he'd never leave," said a redheaded woman, shoving open the door and taking the just-vacated seat. She wore velvet purple pants and a top that showed a truly absurd amount of cleavage. Cosmo guessed that humans would find her attractive.

  "Let me guess. Guild of Bards," Cosmo said.

  "And I hadn't even got around to seducing you yet," the woman said with smile. "I'm Moira, second in command. Two major guild heads on your first day of opening. Aren't you lucky?"

  "I wasn't surprised to see the thieves. What do the bards want with the paper?"

  "We're in the same business, aren't we? Telling stories? Entertaining the public? Of course, that isn't it at all."

  Moira seemed to like to hear herself talk. Cosmo just arched a brow as he looked up at her.

  "We know that the queen told you to revive the paper. We know that you've stumbled onto something that sent the head of the Thieves Guild scurrying from out of the shadows. You're going to need friends, we're offering. We make great friends," Moira said.

  Cosmo thought the way she was licking her lips was one of those seduction things. This was getting a little exhausting, really.

  "I don't get seduced. I'm a gnome. How do you even think that would work?" Cosmo asked.

  "Oh, I think you'll find with a little bit of creativity you can make pretty much anything work," Moira said with a broad smile. "And we're nothing if not creative. But hey, if seduction isn't your thing, it isn't required. Weird, but we're flexible. Seriously, so flexible."

  Cosmo rubbed at his eyes. While he'd hoped for a bit more, the bards were another major guild. He couldn't afford to irritate them, and if the paper was going to work, it did need some sort of friends.

  "You were spying on the thieves. That's why you're here. You're in conflict," Cosmo said.

  Moira laughed and leaned back in the chair, seeming to put a good bit of effort into pushing her chest out in the process. "You really aren't a local. Want the history lesson?"

  "Hit me," Cosmo said, hoping she wouldn't take it as some sort of invitation to use her chest.

  Moira was far too thoughtful for a moment before saying, "This whole face of the world used to be just one big empire. Pipopolis was the center of it all. When light and dark got sick of each other and went their own ways, it split a lot of things right down the middle. Guilds, families."

  "That sounds like a difficult time," Cosmo said.

  "Probably, and it was so long ago, but some of the grudges stick around, getting better with age. Bards and thieves used to be under one roof, the Rogues Guild. Bards went light and thieves went dark, but both kept branches here."

  "I knew there were some conflicts between old and new. Do you still have them between light and dark too?" Cosmo asked.

  "We don't have the undercity, because it isn't a thing. Being our friend isn't picking yourself a side, really. We try to be friends with everyone. But, we watch the thieves. Visit the guild sometime," Moira said, rising from her chair.

  Cosmo remembered what Vex had said about once wanting membership at the bardic college. Today wouldn't be happening at all if it weren't for Vex, and he owed her. This was a door he should keep open.

  "I'd like that," Cosmo said.

  Moira glanced backward with a grin. "See? Hooked you in the end." Then she was out the door.

  13

  The rest of the day continued to be exhausting. All of the people began to blend together, and when they were done there was other work to be done. They didn't have a big story for the next day, but Vex had hired several reporters and they'd put together some copy based on recent events and scandals.

  They even had a golem to turn the crank on the press. However, right now Cosmo still didn't trust anyone to properly set the letters but himself. That meant several hours tweaking things, and changing one story that was a bit too critical of the que
en.

  By the time Cosmo was done he had to wake Vex, who had dozed off in his office, so they could make their way back to her place. Cosmo wanted to hear a report on how the day had gone, but it wasn't time. They were both simply too exhausted.

  They didn't get a chance to talk until the next day while having breakfast at Grom's. Well, Cosmo was having breakfast. Vex had seven slices of seven different pies arrayed in front of her.

  "Are you going to survive that?" Cosmo asked, peering across the booth.

  "I told you, demonic metabolism. It is a blessing sometimes," Vex said.

  "So how did we do yesterday?"

  "You want numbers, broad overview, what?"

  "Let's go with the broad overview."

  "We have a staff. Some worked for the old paper, some I just liked. I tried to keep things small enough so we have a hope of paying these people while fulfilling all the roles we need. A lot of jobs are doubled up," Vex said.

  "When are they expecting to be paid?"

  "Two weeks. It was the best I could give us," Vex said.

  It would have to do. Right now they had a paper only because there was still old ink and paper in storage. Once they started having to resupply, the economics would change quickly.

  "How much did we sell?" Cosmo asked.

  "I'm guessing every copy we put out there. But ten percent of the sellers ran with the first day's money. They're on our banned list."

  They now had a decent amount of cash, but again, that was almost illusionary. It would start disappearing quickly.

  "Have you priced supplies?" Cosmo asked.

  "Briefly. We're not going to be profitable with the operation we have, boss. We're going to have to do it like the old days and get some advertisers," Vex said.

  The demoness was already into her fourth slice of pie. It was really rather impressive.

  "I was hoping some might come to us," Cosmo said.

  "They did, actually. I set us up an appointment for today. Weapons and armor sales."

  Aimed at adventurers. Cosmo supposed they could read, some of them at least. Given their first issue had been all about finding treasure, they might have thought it a good fit.