Press Gnome

by Skyler Wood

  "I knew it. I told you gnomes dated," Vex said, triumphant.

  Now Cosmo shot Aaron a pleading look.

  Aaron cleared his throat. "I mean, they don't all ..." He stopped. "I'm a paladin, I can't lie. And you're cooperating, so I can't dismember."

  The young man was starting to look very lost.

  Erin looked at him fondly. "Right, in the event they're cooperating, good paladin takes over. That sounds like the rules, right?"

  Aaron gave a weak smile. "I'd have to check the interrogation handbook. It's back at base." He told Cosmo and Vex, "I'm terribly sorry about all this, I never expected anyone to cooperate without the chopping."

  "Why would anyone wait for the chopping?" Cosmo asked.

  "It is a good thing. Never betray your comrades, your cause. It is a whole thing. So, the warehouse?" Erin said.

  Cosmo tried to think. From what he'd heard paladins often had the ability to sense evil and lies. Neither of them had actually told a lie yet. This interview might get a lot less friendly if they did.

  "We were looking for our property and had reason to think it might have something to do with you," Cosmo said.

  No lie there. Cosmo was in charge of the newspaper now, and for all that the free press was running around the city unrestrained, the rogue machinery was a part of that.

  "Why would we have your property?" Erin asked.

  "It's magical. Four legs, spits out paper and ink. It has been terrorizing the people of the city and we're trying to get it back."

  "I think he's telling the truth," Aaron said, defeated.

  "I think I saw it once. It acted like a dog. It was kind of adorable," Erin said.

  "What do we do? They sound like they were trying to do the right thing, but they saw inside the warehouse. We can't just let them go," Aaron said.

  "Take them back with us?" Erin asked, and gave them both an apologetic smile. "You wouldn't be harmed. Just ... kind of sort of prisoners until an operation is completed."

  "I know them. I'll take custody," another voice came from the woods. Moira stepped out of the shadows. She was just as foppishly dressed as last time and Cosmo thought Moira had somehow figured out how to show even more cleavage.

  Aaron stared at her. It looked as if he were about to say something, but instead he just kept staring—at least until Erin smacked him in the back of the head.

  "Vows, Aaron. You sure, Moira?" Erin asked.

  "I'm sure. You'd best be getting back to base," Moira said.

  Aaron and Erin shared a look and each shrugged, heading away from the clearing.

  "Really hoping you're not some kind of overexposed end boss right about now," Vex said.

  "Not yours," Moira said, drawing a knife from her cleavage and cutting Cosmo out of his restrains, and a moment later untangling Vex from her chains. "We should get back to town. That tour of the Guild of Bards shouldn't wait."

  17

  Moira had a horse waiting in the trees. While it was just the one, it took the three of them with Cosmo squished between the two women.

  "Were you spying on us?" Cosmo asked, as Moira stirred the mount to motion. Horses and gnomes didn't tend to mix. Without Vex's arms wrapped around him, he was afraid he might simply fly loose.

  "No, I simply happened to turn up at the camp where you'd been captured a day after visiting you. Of course I was spying on you. Good thing I was. Those two are good kids, but their masters can be mean," Moira said.

  "So are you going to tell us what that was all about?"

  "I might. But not until we get back to town. I was serious about the invitation to the guild. I won't even lock you up, unless you ask nicely," Moira said.

  "But we are just guests, right? I need to get back to the paper tonight to make sure tomorrow's edition is in order."

  "Yes, yes, I'm not taking you prisoner. I just don't think a horse is a good place for a conversation, and I don't want to share anything until I get a better read on you," Moira said.

  Cosmo thought that much at least was honest. Still, he intended to be cautious. Anyone that relied on their charisma this much had a lot of temptation to exploit it.

  They were only about half an hour from town. The bardic college was near the palace. White stone walls framed a silvery gate in the shape of lyres. Within was a rather idyllic garden, flowers blooming, and paths leading off to a dozen hidden alcoves.

  "You really are rich," Cosmo said.

  "A lot of us are the children of nobility from across the six-sided world. The rest are the most beautiful and charming of their generation, here on scholarship. When everybody wants to be your friend, you have very nice things," Moira said.

  "I tried to talk to someone about joining once. They wouldn't even let me through the gate," Vex said.

  They came to a stable. Moira dismounted as an attendant took the horse and helped Cosmo down. Vex dismounted also.

  "I'm sorry that happened," Moira told Vex. "There is a certain long-standing prejudice against the demon-blooded in our ranks. You must have run into it. It's something we are working to change, truly."

  Vex looked instantly mollified. Moira was good. It wasn't just a matter of saying the right thing, but how she said them. Bardic magic was a subtle thing, carried by the voice, weaving its way into every conversation.

  Cosmo was more resistant to magic than most. The same division between gnomes that made them pursue either magic or traditional technology meant that he was particularly terrible at magic. That came with certain advantages when it came to trying to resist it.

  "I know what you're doing with your voice. I can feel it, and I don't like it," Cosmo said.

  Moira flashed him a dazzling smile. "It is the harmony, we all have it. I can't turn it off, but I'll try not to abuse it."

  Moira led the way into the main building. It was as ornate as the grounds, filled with paintings and sculptures, and shelves filled with books. Pipopolis always had a worn look to it, a city that had been around for millennia, and while it wasn't tired of life, it was tired of getting dressed up. In contrast, the bards dressed up.

  "Dinner? I'm sure the chefs would appreciate the challenge of preparing you whatever you liked. Gnomish mushroom stew? Entrails pie?" Moira asked.

  "Maybe every sort of pie without the entrails?" Vex asked hopefully, and after a moment added, "I mean, they can do an entrails pie too. If they want."

  "Really?" Cosmo asked.

  "I keep telling you, demon metabolism. Least it isn't mushrooms," Vex said.

  "Sounds like that is a yes all around," Cosmo said.

  "I do love a man who says yes," Moira said, gesturing over a servant and after a few whispered words sending them scurrying on their way.

  They set a slow pace into what looked like a private lounge. A small table was already set for dinner, and one of the chairs was even designed for a gnome with a small mechanical lift to help get into it.

  "We really got to you. This is a bit much," Cosmo said.

  "Just a dinner and some conversation," Moira said with a shake of her head.

  "She wants to know what we know," Vex said.

  "I know what you know, and it isn't much. I overheard your excuse for being there and paladins wouldn't have let you get away with a lie," Moira said, pouring out three glasses of wine and passing them around the table.

  "Then you want us to drop our investigation into what happened at the warehouse," Vex said.

  "Actually, I encourage it," Moira said. "Do try the wine. It's from an orchard on the fourth face."

  Cosmo took a sip and it was exquisite. It was almost starting to annoy him how nice everything was. It just didn't feel proper—a real home should have a little grease.

  "Then I'm just lost. Are you lost, boss? I'm pretty sure we're totally being seduced and I don't know why," Vex said.

  Cosmo said, "The Thieves are caught up in something I think they don't want to be. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the Bards are too."

  Moira was silent, sippin
g her wine.

  "Then why all this?" Vex asked.

  "When you have allies you can't lie to, scheming probably gets very complicated," Cosmo said.

  "Something like that would be incredibly challenging to work around," Moira said.

  "You're pretty good at this sneaky stuff, boss. You sure you're not a halfling?" Vex asked.

  Cosmo tried to engage in the banter, but his thoughts were running. The two largest guilds in the city were trapped in something—or maybe different things. If this wasn't bigger than he'd feared, it was bigger than he hoped.

  18

  Dinner was exceptional too, of course. Shortly after dessert Moira pardoned herself for a few moments and never returned. Cosmo took that as a cue that they were supposed to 'escape' and they leisurely made their way off the college grounds.

  "That was odd," Vex said, as the gates closed behind them.

  "That pie was odd," Cosmo said.

  "Remind me to take you to a proper demon restaurant sometime. You'll be amazed."

  "You seem to hate your demon blood sometimes, and at others to be proud of it."

  "Guess that's true of most people with their heritage, isn't it? Nothing is all good. The blood comes with a lot of advantages and a lot of baggage," Vex said.

  "Think the Press Building burned itself to the ground? Second day in business and we weren't there?"

  "You feel like you were doing that much to help the first day, boss? We worked through the night and I worked my tail off during the day, but a lot of that was hiring the right people."

  It turned out Vex was overly optimistic. As soon as they reached the paper they found about a dozen emergencies had happened throughout the day. Sales were down. Without a big headline they'd only sold about half the copies of the day before. And various people they'd put in charge of departments had conflicts.

  Cosmo and Vex spent a few hours putting out fires, and then retired to his office so they could have a talk.

  "I'm sorry. I really thought everything would work perfectly," Vex said.

  "I think the newspaper is a machine in its own right. You build it as best as you can, but you never know how it's going to run until you turn it on and let it do its thing. We'll fix it," Cosmo said.

  Vex rubbed at her eyes and slouched in a chair. "Which means what? We know the queen didn't send us here just to make the paper turn a profit."

  "I'm not going to guess at her motives. That woman has too many edges. I think if we solved these mysteries and the paper collapsed, she'd still be disappointed."

  "I don't want to see that. I really don't want to see that."

  "We work the problem. If we're going to keep this place going, this is our job now. This is our life. Secrets are being hidden, people are lying to us," Cosmo said.

  "Demoness. I should be really good at this sort of thing," Vex said with a wry smile. "So we have a secret treasure room with items stolen exclusively from old money by the Thieves Guild. They were hidden in a way that made it seem all about implicating the new money families."

  "Then we have a warehouse. We don't know what it held, but it seemed to be connected to both the Guild of Bards and an order of Brightpip militant paladins."

  "Something they wanted to keep so secret it was important enough to abduct us, and they maybe would have worked themselves up to killing us," Vex said.

  They both sat silent as they pondered that.

  "Nothing. I've got nothing. They don't make sense individually. They don't make sense together," Vex said.

  Cosmo wished that he had some sort of brilliant insight as a rejoinder, but he didn't. It didn't make a lot of sense to him either, but when you couldn't solve one problem, you figured out a new way to work it—and solved those you could.

  "We need more information. The chamber we found the treasures in was old. What if the tunnel and passage were old too and it was just the lighting and hidden door were new?" Cosmo asked.

  "Makes sense. How does it help us?"

  "I don't know. Maybe when you are dealing with lies you have to peel back the layers."

  "Why not focus on the obvious thing we can do? The warehouse. We find out what they are storing, it might answer a lot of questions. Even if they're going to move what's in there, hopefully they won't have yet," Vex said. "They think we've been scared off for good."

  "They somehow took us out in seconds the first time we broke in and they didn't know we were coming," Cosmo said.

  "So we get someone to do it for us."

  "You have someone you dislike that much?"

  "Boss, you're a smart guy. Take thirty seconds and think about it."

  Cosmo did. Oh, right, them.

  "The Thieves Guild would be more than happy to break into a place that might have something on the bards," Cosmo said.

  "It's what we'll do. We tell them where to look, and they'll have someone in there tonight."

  "Is that what we want to do?" Cosmo asked.

  "Is there any reason we wouldn't?"

  "Everybody keeps telling me this city has factions set against each other. Old money versus old money. Bards versus thieves. Light versus dark ..."

  "Just to start. You're wondering where we fit into all this," Vex said.

  "Some might say the paper should be all about the truth and not take sides. I think we're starting from a lie though, if we say that. We're on the queen's side, period. Call it our survival instinct."

  "The Assembly shut down the old paper. They aren't going to like us very much either," Vex said.

  "The bards might have just saved our lives. Even if they were grooming us after, I wouldn't be inclined to embarrass them," Cosmo said.

  Vex was silent a few moments. "I know people, and they don't work with the Thieves Guild."

  "Do it," Cosmo said. "I'm going to get the press ready for tomorrow's edition."

  "That free press is still out there. We need to get it under control."

  "I have some ideas there. Tomorrow," Cosmo said.

  It was going to be another busy day.

  19

  Cosmo was awakened when a wave of water smashed him against the wall. Even to his half-awake mind this struck him as very strange, even in demonic households a wave not being a typical thing.

  The fire in the hearth hissed as it was extinguished. Cosmo could feel his clothing dripping as he shook his head to clear it.

  "Boss!" Vex shouted, and Cosmo heard what sounded like the breath being knocked out of the demoness a moment later.

  They were under attack—that much was obvious. Cosmo should have expected something like this might be coming, but they weren't prepared for it. Without the fire it was pitch-dark in Vex's home, but gnomes had some ability to see in a gloom since they were essentially subterranean creatures. It didn't mean he got to put his eyes to the test very often.

  Focusing, two shapes seemed to resolve. Vex was against the other wall and something loomed over her. Cosmo couldn't make out details, but it was big.

  Cosmo scrambled for the door. It wasn't cowardice—well, it wasn't just cowardice. Whatever had been sent here was out to silence them, and he was the head of the paper. Cosmo was the more important target. If it looked like he was escaping, it should come after him.

  Cosmo reached the door and had just managed to pull it open when another wave crashed into him from behind. Holding onto the door he bounced against the frame as it swung back and forth.

  The light of the alley outside seeped in. It wasn't much, but enough to get details. What looked nothing so much as a large puddle—a puddle that was already moving, a humanoid figure rising from it.

  A water elemental. Magic, why was it always magic? A mechanical adversary Cosmo might have been able to do something about.

  Cosmo felt hands grab him as Vex tucked him under one arm, running out the door and leaping over the reforming elemental.

  "I think we made some enemies," Cosmo said.

  "You think?" Vex asked. She turned and gestured. A few tiny fl
ame darts spiraled towards the elemental, sparking where they hit.

  The elemental didn't seem fazed, and it was already flowing back towards them.

  "I hope you have a plan," Cosmo said.

  The streets of the undercity weren't all that quiet this time of the night. However late it was, many of those who called this part of the city home thrived in darkness. Vampires and werecreatures mostly, and they generally looked rather human except for being exceptionally attractive. It was like the Guild of Bards all over again. They also didn't seem too surprised by a demoness carrying a gnome, and them being chased by a water elemental.

  "Yeah, because I've thought a lot about being attacked by rare magical creatures," Vex said.

  The water elemental came up quickly behind them, briefly flowing to their side and then bashing them into an alley as they passed. Cosmo came free of Vex's grip and tumbled head over heels to sprawl on the cobblestones.

  Vex was already turning to face it, her tail thrashing.

  Cosmo forced himself to think. Vex seemed willing to fight, but she wasn't a trained combatant and magical creations like this were beyond deadly. Something like this simply wouldn't stop until it either completed its purpose or the magic powering it was depleted. A trained combatant might be able to take it on, but if they were hoping to rely on the kindness of strangers in this city they were obviously out of luck.

  "We need to run. We need someplace magical, where they'll have defenses," Cosmo said.

  Vex was about to respond when she got tossed through the air again as the elemental plowed into her, a wave throwing her against one of the walls.

  Vex recovered faster than it did, the elemental reforming as she again grabbed Cosmo and ran for it.

  "I've got just the place. They won't like to see us. They don't like to see anybody, really," Vex said.

  Vex ran down the tunnels of the undercity, mostly keeping to the back alleys. It didn't take long before the water elemental was again on them, following close behind.

  Cosmo briefly caught sight of a set of gates and four astonished guards in different-colored robes before Vex plowed through them at high speed.