Press Gnome

by Skyler Wood

  "I got visited by both the bards and the thieves yesterday. They're up to something. The bards invited us to stop by at some point," Cosmo said.

  Vex perked up at that. "Really? Was it Andreus? Dark hair and tall, and just that little bit muscular?"

  "Her name was Moira," Cosmo said.

  Vex's expression drooped a little. "I mean she's nice and all, but if I want to look at a great chest I can look in the mirror. Did you two ... uhh ...?"

  "I told you. Gnomes don't do that sort of thing."

  "You realize they kind of have to for there to be new gnomes?"

  It was an alarming thought. One Cosmo had never really considered. He quickly banished it from his mind.

  "I'm sure if that were so, I'd know. Moving on. I also want to continue following up with the free press. We have that one other location to check out."

  "What are we going to do with it? You thought that it was using the Press Building as its lair. Since we're now occupying it, that seems like trouble. Force an animal out of its home and bad things start to happen," Vex said.

  Cosmo hadn't thought of it that way before. If the free press incidents started getting worse, the queen wouldn't be happy. A good part of the reason she'd set them to this task was to get it under control.

  "It's acting almost on instinct, but as of now we are the way for the stories it wants to tell to get out there. If we don't find it, it may find us," Cosmo said.

  Grom approached the table. He held a platter on one arm, and it contained another seven plates of pies which he carefully laid out before Vex.

  "You can't have room for all that," Cosmo said.

  "You kept me up for twenty-four hours straight and not in some medal-winning marathon of things that are fun. No, doing manual labor. Just eat your eggs," Vex said.

  Right, it sounded like a good idea.

  "Any more sightings of the press, Grom?" Cosmo asked.

  "Nothing new. If I hear something, I'll let you know. Lots of talk about you and Vex here."

  "Anything we need to be worried about?"

  Grom shrugged. "Long as you can swing an axe, I'm sure you'll be fine. Axes fix most problems."

  "No axe, Grom," Cosmo said.

  "He doesn't have any muscles either," Vex said.

  "Yeah," Grom said, and patted Cosmo on the head. "Funny little things, kobolds."

  "Still a gnome. Why is that so hard?" Cosmo asked.

  "People wonder if you're going to be making the same mistakes as the last paper. They were powerful, hard to shut down. You're tiny," Grom said.

  "I got us some guards," Vex said.

  Cosmo wasn't reassured. It was the Assembly that had shut down the old paper. If they decided to shut down the new one, a few guards wouldn't be enough to protect them.

  14

  An hour later they had their meeting with the arms merchants. The chain was a family-run business, after a blacksmith and an armorer had gotten married and tried to form a corporate empire.

  The office was in one corner of a massive smithy, and the air was hot and smelled of iron.

  "Let me handle the introductions. This is Harlon, he is a blacksmith, and his wife Elsa. And my boss, Cosmo, I mentioned him yesterday," Vex said.

  Harlon was an orc, his skin a greenish-gray, and he was massively built. Elsa was an elf, although perhaps the most buff elf that Cosmo had ever seen. Elsa's handshake nearly lifted him from the ground, and he was fairly sure Harlon's sent him soaring through the air for awhile.

  "So why don't you tell me what you're looking for," Cosmo asked, looking around the forge. His first impression was he liked it. Everything was done the old way instead of using magicity.

  "Business has been rough the past few years, but it was up yesterday. A few people decided to go hunting treasure on their own. We figure that maybe if the newspaper can give us one good day, you can give us others," Elsa said.

  "We distributed a lot of papers and we're only going to be growing that number. So you sell armor and weapons, I know, anything else?" Vex asked.

  It was quickly becoming clear that Elsa did all the talking. Harlon seemed content to stand back with his arms folded.

  "When we started this business it was adventuring supplies. I don't know if you remember the dungeon exploring craze, but it used to be big. People would be coming back to town every few levels to upgrade their gear, sell us the old back," Elsa said with a sad smile. "It was a great business."

  "What happened to it?" Cosmo asked.

  "Stupid stuff," Harlon huffed.

  Else said, "Not into the adventuring craze? It all became open world. Instead of diving into a dungeon and fighting a proper lich, people go around to every village in the middle of nowhere asking to help with chores."

  "I've seen out there. They annoy the villagers," Cosmo said.

  "Course they do. But it is open, they can go anywhere! In a proper dungeon you just went down, down, down."

  "Sounds like my last date. So it isn't as rewarding?" Vex asked.

  "Nah, villagers will give them eggs. Old shirts. Whatever crap they have just lying around the house. It's pretty disappointing, but it is the thing," Elsa said.

  Vex shot a look at Cosmo and he knew what she was thinking. It was one thing about moving a product people might have an interest in, but if the whole adventuring industry had moved on, a few ads wouldn't help these people.

  "How does adventuring work anyways? Being sane and sensible I never had an interest," Cosmo said.

  "Magic. Sometimes it's a dead mage, sometimes a powerful beast. It sort of seeps into the ground and you get a dungeon. They never stay permanently shut down. They'll usually regenerate monsters and treasure over time," Elsa said.

  "What's going to happen since people stopped tromping around in them? You let a system run out of control in a machine and you'll soon have problems."

  Elsa shrugged. "Don't know. Maybe."

  The paper had a number of problems, and a number of priorities. It needed money, it needed content to make money, and it needed to keep the queen happy so that Cosmo could keep his head.

  "We could have an adventuring section. Dungeon locations and the experience level needed," Cosmo said.

  "That isn't going to sell us many papers, boss. Although it's the perfect place for advertising this business," Vex said.

  "You might get people interested in it again. We can't pay you for a whole section. We can't afford to pay you much at all, honestly," Elsa said.

  Those were about the last words any business wanted to hear from a potential customer.

  "Can you afford to give fifteen percent away on a sale?" Vex asked.

  "If we can't, we'll raise prices. Thinking of giving away coupons?" Elsa asked.

  "I am. Five percent off, but we'll take ten percent of the sale each time one is used," Vex said.

  Cosmo wished that Vex talked him before she started making any deal. That said, it was a good deal.

  Elsa glanced towards Harlon, who nodded.

  "We can do that," Elsa said.

  "Still isn't going to help us move papers," Cosmo said.

  "We can do photographs, can't we?" Vex asked.

  Photography required some complicated chemistry to get right. It was expensive to have done, although not all that expensive for the press to reproduce, just time-consuming.

  "Chemical plate only," Cosmo said.

  "Show me your sexist piece of armor," Vex said.

  "Err ... I mean, sexy really isn't the point," Elsa said, rising to her feet and moving towards the forge. "I mean, if I were going to recommend armor for you. Let me find something suitable."

  After fifteen minutes Elsa had Vex wearing layers of studded leather that covered her from head to toe. Even her tail had vanished within some sort of protective leather sheath.

  "I see the problem. Get this off me and let me think," Vex said.

  Another ten minutes later she was free of the armor. Vex gestured and her attire changed. It must have been
illusion magic, just like she'd used to put clothes on the queen. Here, though, she'd mostly taken hers off. Cosmo thought there was armor there, somewhere—at least there seemed to be touches of chainmail barely obscuring key bits of demonic flesh.

  "Can you do something like this?" Vex asked.

  "You'd die," Elsa said.

  "Helps agility," Harlon said.

  "You know that isn't a real thing. It has never been a real thing," Elsa said, shooting a glare at her husband.

  "So don't sell it as protective. Call it adventurer fashion. You want people interested in adventuring again? Trust me, this will do it," Vex said.

  Elsa glanced to Harlon again, who shrugged this time.

  "If you hate it, we don't do it," Harlon said to Elsa.

  "You're not selling to anyone who doesn't want to put on a show. If they want real protection, you have the real goods ready," Vex said.

  "Okay, long as we're not lying about it. Long as we're giving people a choice. I'll get a team on it today and we'll have samples tomorrow," Elsa said.

  They had their first advertiser, even if Cosmo wasn't thrilled about how things had gone.

  15

  "Did you have to go so ... sexy succubus with all of that?" Cosmo said, walking alongside Vex. They'd already worked out a good rhythm. If Vex shortened her strides a bit and slowed down, and Cosmo pushed himself a bit, they could keep pace in a way that was only a little uncomfortable for each of them.

  "Boss, do you know you're a little broken about the whole seduction thing? I mean, I get it, I am too—in almost the exact opposite way, but you do realize it?" Vex asked, looking down at him.

  Cosmo knew it, although he didn't like to admit it. It was easier to tell everyone it was a gnome thing. Easier to tell himself it was a gnome thing.

  "I know. Is that what we want the paper to be about though?" Cosmo asked.

  "I like it. I'm not ashamed. I'd pose for the pictures myself and wear the outfit to the office, if it helped us get off the ground."

  Cosmo winced. "Please don't."

  "I wasn't really planning on it. I'm just saying, this isn't me making some struggling compromise—I like it. We want to sell papers and showing a little skin will help."

  The queen had put Cosmo in charge of the paper, but there wouldn't be a paper at all if it weren't for Vex. Cosmo had a partner now, and one who did see the world in a different way.

  "I trust you," Cosmo said.

  Vex flashed him a smile. "I expected more of a fight. And just to get it said, if your attitude ever does straighten out a little ... I'm right here. Just saying."

  Right. That was further than Cosmo was prepared to take their partnership.

  "Noted," Cosmo said.

  Vex slapped him on the back of a head. "Terrible answer, boss."

  They were heading for the Wagoners district. It was located right next to the city's largest gate, and almost all trade came through it. There were stables and warehouses, and even a few magicity charging stations for those making use of more modern conveyances.

  There was a lot of traffic, and although it was rarely seen in most of the city, a lot openly displayed a light or dark alliance. Some caravans had guards of orcs, armored head to toe in sinister and overly spiky black armor. Elves and dwarves escorted other caravans in armor of gleaming white, gold, and silver.

  Cosmo could barely even see the buildings through the crowd.

  "I'm almost useless here. Keep an eye out," Cosmo said.

  "On it, boss," Vex said.

  "So, can I ask a really weird and somewhat personal question?"

  "Those are the best ones," Vex said.

  "Are your clothes actually real? I mean, with the queen, and then back there at the armory ..."

  Vex laughed. "Wouldn't it be amazing if they weren't? But uh, no, totally real. Like I told the queen, I'm not that great at illusion magic. I can keep one up only a short while."

  "Oh good. I guess it was a silly question."

  "Oh no, it wasn't. If you're good at illusion magic, you can do just about anything. Clothes that don't just look real, but feel real. You can make someone think they're in places, when they're not. It is really powerful."

  "Any reason you aren't pursuing magic? You seem good at it even without training."

  Vex was silent as they walked along for several moments. "Because with being what I am magic offers only a few paths and I'm not happy with any of them. With fire I'd be a battlemage. And illusionists, they use people, always."

  "And you want a partner," Cosmo said.

  Vex lifted her shoulders. "Dumb, right? Because I know there are all the things I want that way. Wealth and power, and shiny toys."

  "Just makes me trust your judgment even more. Magic is dangerous and if you want to get ahead, you picked the better way. I mean—not hanging out with me, obviously, but ..." Cosmo said.

  "You're working out so far," Vex said with a grin, and then held up a hand. "Wait a moment, follow me."

  Vex led the way to an empty lot. The district was filled with spaces like this, places for a caravan to put in while unloading. What had caught Vex's attention were a few pieces of paper trapped in the mud.

  Cosmo knelt down to study them. "Same stock as we're using for the paper."

  "I've got ink against a hitching post too," Vex said, after walking around. "Think it was interested in a caravan?"

  "A deranged magical press sneaks up on horses and I think there would be signs of them leaving," Cosmo said.

  "What then? In the alley we found traces, but it hadn't bashed its way into the hidden room," Vex said.

  "If I had to guess, it was following someone. It's stalking the story. Do you even see hoof prints here? Some footsteps, people cutting through, but this lot hasn't been used since the last rain."

  Vex stood beside the puddle and turned slowly in a full circle.

  "Another lot, a guard station, an intersection, and a warehouse can all be seen from here," Vex said.

  "The lot itself is possible, but not useful now. Whoever occupied it is long gone. The same with the intersection, possible but useless," Cosmo said.

  "That leaves us just the warehouse or the guards."

  "The one can arrest us. The other we might get arrested for breaking into," Cosmo said.

  "One of those seems a little better than the other?"

  Cosmo had to agree. He'd always take the chance of the bad thing over the sure thing.

  "Warehouse it is. Let's circle around and see if we can't find a bit less conspicuous way to get inside."

  There was a small door in the back, sealed with a heavy chain and lock. It wasn't anything that Vex couldn't snap with her demonic strength and she led the way into the dark interior.

  They'd barely gone more than a few steps when Cosmo felt a blow to the back of his head and he was slumping forward.

  16

  When Cosmo regained consciousness he found that his back was to a tree and his hands bound behind him. Vex was tied up nearby. They were outside of the city—a lot of trees made that much clear. It was still daylight, although it looked like evening was approaching.

  "Boss, glad to see you waking up," Vex said.

  "Like you'd let me nap the whole day. I seem to be tied up. Can you do anything about that?"

  "Sorry. Me too—with blessed chains, they've negated my demon powers."

  "As they should," said a man's voice. He stepped into view. Blond hair and a strong jaw line, and white and gold armor. A woman accompanying to him had much the same look.

  "Isn't getting kidnapped by the forces of good somehow against the rules?" Cosmo asked.

  "That's what I said," said the armored woman.

  "And I explained that there are mortal contingencies. This is one of those greater good type moments where we can do things that seem bad," said the man.

  "Right. But we're not all that evil," Cosmo said.

  "I'm a little evil," Vex said.

  Cosmo said, "I do appreciate
your striving for technical accuracy in even the most suicidal of moments."

  "I'm Erin, this is Aaron," the armored woman said.

  "Well that's just confusing," Cosmo said.

  "Tell us about it. I think they find it funny to send us off on missions together. When you're a paladin, you get your sort of, but not really evil in where you can," Erin said.

  "But as already expounded upon in this case, we can literally do no wrong. Dismembering, disemboweling, decapitating," Aaron said.

  "You really have some tension to work off. The whole celibate paladin thing is totally true huh?" Vex asked.

  "That isn't the point," Aaron said.

  "We really don't mean to go all "good paladin" and "scary good paladin" on you, but you did break into that warehouse and we kind of need to know the reason why," Erin said.

  Aaron complained to her, "I haven't even chopped anything off yet. You can't go asking them questions before I chop anything off. There is an order to proper interrogations. They say they'll never cooperate, I chop something off, then we ask questions."

  "We're totally planning on cooperating," Cosmo said quickly, forcing all the brightness he could into his voice. "We're very helpful people."

  "I'm even into the whole scary, good guy thing, if you want to let me out of these chains and go all wicked," Vex said.

  "I wouldn't bother. I tried to flirt once. He pretended I didn't say anything at all. It's terrible," Erin said.

  "You too? It's maddening isn't it?" Vex said, with a glance towards Cosmo.

  Cosmo and Aaron shared a pained look.

  "It isn't that I wouldn't be interested, you know. I'm just a paladin. Rules—we have lots of rules," Aaron said.

  "I'm a gnome," Cosmo said.

  "Where from?" Aaron asked.

  "The gearspark combine."

  "Hey! Me too! I mean, the outskirts. I'm one-quarter gnome. Aaron Wrenchturner," Aaron said, a lot more friendly. "My first girlfriend was a gnome. I mean, before the whole, paladin thing, obviously. The things that girl could do to an engine."