Press Gnome

by Skyler Wood

  "What is it?" Cosmo asked.

  "A remnant of the days before the Assembly. The chamber you found is located beneath what is now Assembly Hall, although it was once the estate of Lady Vulpine."

  "The one with the ice water?" Vex asked.

  "Ice water?" Cosmo asked.

  "Annual tradition. Strip down and jump in the waters of a frozen lake, and come out reborn and ready for a new future. And yes, that's the one. It commemorates what happened to Lady Vulpine," Moira said.

  "I hate that tradition," Vex said with her tail lashing. "I mean, I like the whole taking clothes off part, but wish I could just jump through a fire or something."

  Moira shrugged. "The point is how you warm up afterward. Lady Vulpine was a plotter who attempted to overthrow King Healdric. The orb in the sketch was one she used to scry on everything the queen did. Wards weren't as well-developed in those days."

  "And you said it was located beneath Assembly Hall?" Cosmo asked.

  "At the time it was beneath her estate. Her estate wound up being rolled into the original grant for the Assembly. When her treachery was discovered, King Healdric had her thrown into an icy river. It's said she crawled out three days later, but which time he'd been overthrown," Moira said.

  "She was a werefox, they're pretty tough," Vex said.

  Cosmo rubbed at his eyes. "Well, that sure makes the selection of that place symbolic. And they want us to know. Why?"

  "The obvious answer is because they are trying to overthrow the queen and they want to make sure we know, so we make sure she knows," Vex said.

  "Are they really that eager to pick a fight?" Cosmo asked.

  "If they are, this is the time for it. The new queen is new to the throne and already has a reputation for laziness and inattention," Moira said.

  "Who would replace her, if she fell?"

  "Despite her short time on the throne, it would be time for another good ruler," Moira said, and then paused. "Perhaps that helps to explain my guild's involvement."

  Perhaps it did.

  "Are there rulers the paladins would prefer?" Cosmo asked.

  "Of course, Brightpip has their politics just like we have ours. paladins favor a strong government, strong rulers. The relative disorder of Pipopolis, even under good rulers, has always disturbed them."

  "You're being more open about this now than you used to be," Vex said.

  "Once you crawl under the sheets, you don't regret your partner. You'll never have any fun that way."

  "They're taunting us with that information. I don't know if that means they want us to use it or not," Cosmo said.

  "Were there any other places associated with Lady Vulpine? If they recycled one thing, they may have recycled others," Vex asked.

  "I'll look into it," Moira said.

  "In the meantime, we'll print what we have. Maybe it plays into their hands, maybe it doesn't. But it has the virtue of being true," Cosmo said.

  33

  Cosmo used what they had discovered in the newspaper that night. Another day, another story to raise questions about the council. The tie to history had just enough strangeness to get the public really interested and it was another successful run.

  It also started some repercussions with protesters outside of Assembly Hall, largely the residents of the undercity who were the most inclined to support the queen simply on the basis of alignment.

  Vex found Cosmo mid-morning. They'd both set up shop in the Adventurers Guild for the day to get the paper out. "They just found this on the press. Nobody saw who left it, but you can make a guess."

  Vex handed over a wooden duck. It looked almost like a child's bath toy, although this one was done in shades of black and had an unhealthy number of spikes sticking out of it.

  The queen wanted to see them. Cosmo hoped it was good news. They'd know soon enough.

  At the appointed time Vex led them back through the same secret ways of the palace. Things were subtly different this time, such as a wall not quite where it was. The queen had done something. Although it didn't seem completely secure, it surely was improved on some level.

  Soon they were once more standing in the baths and surrounded by steam as the most powerful woman in the city lounged indolently in hot water.

  "I really hope that you wanted to see us and we didn't just misinterpret some child's toy," Vex said.

  "Miss Darkflame, Mister Cogspinner. As always, if you were not desired in my presence, you would not be here. You are disrupting my city, why?" Vanya said, leaning her head back in the water.

  "Because the people who keep trying to kill us might also be trying to overthrow you, and so it seems in every possible way the best course to keep my head on my shoulders," Cosmo said.

  "You did not come to me when they seized your facilities. I do appreciate my agents solving their own problems. You think this was an attack aimed at me?"

  "Taking into account they attempted to kill us at the same time, it seemed they wanted to send you a strong message," Vex said.

  "And what do you know of the politics of this city, Miss Darkflame? How much power do you think I really have? Why should they be so afraid of me?"

  "Rather a lot, I should think. You terrify me," Vex said.

  "Words have the power to strike fear. A thing you should learn well, considering your new roles. Still, for a very long time the power of the monarchy has been in steady decline," Vanya said.

  "Why?" Vex asked. "You outlast the Assembly. They are always being voted in by their district, but you're going to be here the rest of your life."

  "And yet the Assembly is always there. When you need a permit, you go to them, when the guards enforce a law it is usually one of theirs, and it has always had to endure great monarchs and terrible ones."

  "You're saying they aren't afraid of you," Vex said.

  "I cannot speak of what is in their hearts, or if they are afraid of me or not. But I promise, they should be. Still, I've given them no reason to know that, so isn't the presence of some great conspiracy built around the fear of me somewhat strange?" Vanya asked.

  Cosmo had to admit that, when she put it that way, she had a point. More than that, this entire conspiracy seemed like it predated her reign. The Assembly had been putting these pieces into place for awhile.

  "You are not without history, Your Majesty. And while I don't know it, that doesn't mean the Assembly is as ignorant. Is there nothing in your history that speaks as to who you really are?" Cosmo asks.

  Vanya sat up a little in the bath, staring at the wall for a moment before she tilted her head. "You suggest they are exceptionally competent, more so than I've expected or planned for. I have always attempted subtlety, but it is possible."

  "But you don't think so," Vex said.

  "No, I do not. I think that something else is going on."

  "And yet you're playing coy with it, while calling us here to yell at us in your subtle way for not picking up on it," Vex said, her tail flicking.

  "Careful," Vanya said, her tone brimming with chastisement. "But of course that is exactly what I am doing. I am, in some ways, a prisoner in this palace. What I see, I see through things like your papers or the stories of courtiers."

  "It is a poor pair of eyes that can't see on their own," Cosmo said.

  "And a poor pair of hands that can't act on their own. The reference to Lady Vulpine in your latest issue was an interesting one. There is another building of hers that you should investigate."

  "Not sure how to ask this, but ever since you set us this task—do you want us working on behalf of the city, or on behalf of you?" Cosmo asked.

  "Clothes," Vanya said, pushing herself up from the bath.

  Vex hastily waggled her fingers. It was a writhing black mist that sprang into being around Vanya this time, as if she had been bathing in purest shadows.

  Vanya looked down at herself and gave a wide smile. "Very good, you've been practicing. It is a good look on me. You may go."

  Cosmo was wel
l aware that she hadn't answered the question, which was, of course, an answer in its own way. As much as he might like some clarity on the issue, the queen wasn't going to give it to him.

  34

  "This is an incredibly bad idea," Cosmo said.

  "Have a sense of adventure, boss," Vex said.

  Moira's research into other locations associated with Lady Vulpine turned up just one promising lead—a dangerous one.

  Lady Vulpine's estate may have been turned into a portion of Assembly Hall, but it wasn't her only home. The lady also had a tower outside of the city, something of a vacation home along the shore of a lake.

  The problem was that, like most abandoned places outside the city, the area around the tower had grown dangerous. That meant they needed adventurers, and sadly they knew a few.

  Stabface, Boomtime, Tigerlady and Kana were tromping ahead of them. Tigerlady was trying one of the new fashion designs, wearing something that looked like nothing so much as a bikini made of flowers. The rat sitting on her shoulder nibbled at a petal.

  A giant toad leapt out of the bush, a tongue lashing out at Kana. With almost negligent ease Stabface skewered it in the face before Boomtime made it explode in a messy shower of gore.

  Say what you would about the old adventurers, they knew their business.

  "I suppose we're getting material for the paper," Cosmo said.

  "And lots of fresh ingredients for a delicious entrails pie," Vex said, shoving toad organs into a bag.

  "I think what you're looking for is up ahead," Kana said.

  Cosmo saw it. Whatever color the tower might have originally been, the stone was now a brownish green, covered with moss. It would be easy to think it abandoned given the state of the grounds, but from within at the top of the tower there was the cold, steady light of glowing magicity.

  The area around the tower was muddy, with overgrown tangled vines. More toads appeared.

  "We're going to need to hold your escape route. You should see if you can find a way inside," Kana said.

  Cosmo and Vex left the adventurers behind to approach the base of the tower.

  The stone was heavy blocks, slimy to the touch. They began to make a circle of the tower, looking for a way inside.

  "Got to be an entrance somewhere," Cosmo said.

  "If people are using this, they get in somehow," Vex agreed.

  It took them a good twenty minutes to walk the perimeter of the tower. Mosquitoes were thick in the air, and in all that time they found nothing that looked like a doorway.

  "Boom!" Boomtime shouted in the distance as more toad organs flew through the air.

  "Illusion magic?" Cosmo asked, ignoring it.

  "If so I should have gotten some kind of twitch in my tail. I've got nothing," Vex said, glowering at the tower with her arms folded.

  "It is possible there's a mechanical switch for some kind of door. But if so, it's buried beneath layers of sludge," Cosmo said.

  "Want me to try burning it off?"

  "You gain a sudden mastery over your fire magic you didn't have before?"

  Vex gave him a wry look. "No, not really. There are windows, but they are way up there. Even if I am strong enough to throw you that far, I don't think you'd enjoy the landing."

  "Then let's stop thinking of brute force approaches. First of all, would there be a way in at all?" Cosmo asked.

  "You usually don't build a home on a lake just for the view of the home. This area was beautiful once upon a time. Lady Vulpine would have wanted to enjoy it," Vex said.

  That made sense to Cosmo.

  "Do you see any sort of carriage house or stable? Even the remains of one?"

  Vex turned her attention to the surrounding terrain. A fog hung over the marsh that made it hard to see far.

  "No, and I should, you're right. Even if they could have made the walk from the city, nobles wouldn't want to. Not carrying all their belongings. So, magical transport. Expensive, but it is possible," Vex said.

  "Which makes sense with it being a tower. The Lady Vulpine must have been a mage, or at least one of her ancestors was. There was a way to magically get from the city to the tower," Cosmo said.

  "The lake—fishing, swimming. If this was a vacation home, they'll still have wanted a way to the shore of the lake," Vex said.

  They made their way towards where the adventurers continued to wage their endless war with the wildlife. The terrain was coated red with splattered toads and they were still going. They seemed to be enjoying it.

  Whatever had once existed of the lake seemed to have all become swampland. It was all fog and spiky vegetation and toads as far as the eye could see, and the eye couldn't see far.

  After a few minutes of searching they did find something that didn't seem to belong. Coming out of the water was a stone obelisk with some sort of script running along its length and a quartz sphere atop it.

  "Magical transport. Magic is bad enough for most things. What kind of desperate, mad person thinks it's a good idea to let magic take you wherever it decides to go?" Cosmo said.

  "You, shortly, boss," Vex said, studying the obelisk. "At least if I can figure it out."

  "You're the mage," Cosmo said.

  "I'm not," Vex said. She waved her hand and a puff of flame briefly surrounded the crystal. "I've got magic in the blood. That's different."

  "You've gotten by so far."

  "Somehow," Vex said with a scowl at the obelisk. The demoness drew a dagger and sliced it across her palm, a thin line of blood forming before she pressed it to the sphere.

  Light flared, so blinding it seemed to block out the swamp. When it faded they were elsewhere.

  35

  When they materialized their clothing had changed. Cosmo was wearing a pair of brightly colored shorts that had some sort of floral pattern—and nothing else. Vex was in a swimsuit of the same terrible pattern. A floppy hat with a giant flower perched at an angle upon her head, and she held a bag.

  "Well, this is terrible," Cosmo said. "Where are my clothes? I'm dressed like some kind of bard and I don't like it!"

  "Teleportation magic. It changes people into beachwear their first time through, even though we're leaving the lake. First trip, it assumes we're going for a swim," Vex said, looking down at herself. "I make even this look good, don't I?"

  "Nobody could make this look good," Cosmo said. He stomped over to Vex and began to dig through her bag. Pulling out a towel he wrapped it around his neck like some kind of scarf.

  "You've got a real thing against skin, boss," Vex said.

  They seemed to be in a smallish chamber lined with shelves. In the middle was an obelisk similar to the one they'd seen on the beach, although it wasn't covered in moss and slime. The only illumination was the orb atop the obelisk filling the room with a pale light.

  "So what is our plan here, boss? This tower could be filled with people happy to kill us. What if we meet one?"

  "Well, I think we won't let them," Cosmo said, heading for the door. It opened up into a hallway, one fortunately not filled with anything incredibly murderous. Still, Cosmo wouldn't call it safe. The brightly colored and festive beach scenes on the walls were already hurting his eyes.

  "Give it to whoever put this place together, they knew what they liked," Vex said, looking down the hall. "Now we just have to figure out where we're going."

  "Up," Cosmo said. "We know the top of the tower was well lit."

  The same was not true for wherever they currently were. There did seem to be some sort of magical torches on the wall, but whatever had once powered them barely functioned and only the dimmest flicker of light still came from them.

  They were soon to find a problem getting up the stairs. They were covered in what appeared to be marbles. Tiny glass spheres, each easily fitting into a hand, and they had a blue glow in the center.

  Vex knelt down to pick one up, rolling it around in her palm.

  "Know what it is?" Cosmo asked.

  "Not exactly, but the
re is illusion magic involved. That isn't all there is, but it is a big part of it."

  "Any idea how to activate it?"

  Vex stared at the sphere in her palm intently for several long moments and was finally forced to shake her head. "No idea."

  "Let's keep going then. We'll just have to be extra cautious," Cosmo said.

  Going was possible, but slow. Every step required first clearing the space for the foot before putting any weight down or else risk toppling over backwards.

  It became more difficult the higher up they got. These spheres must have come from an upper floor and flowed down.

  Apart from the spheres, everything else in the tower they saw so far seemed like it was of the original design. The fashion and decor choices were impressively horrific.

  There were bedrooms, storerooms, a library, and a magical laboratory.

  "I should take this place. Somebody owes me a house after mine got flooded," Vex said.

  "Would you even want this place? It's horrible and surrounded by toads," Cosmo said.

  "You remember my current place, boss?" Vex asked. "I'm not fancy and I'd like the room."

  They continued to climb and finally got to an area where things changed. The wires and lighting along the walls were modern magicity, and most of the rooms had been cleaned out and filled with crates.

  Vex tore the top off one and pulled out a strange device. On one end was a slot for a magicity battery, the other end was curved. Vex studied it for a moment before grabbing one of the spheres from the floor and trying it against the curve end—they were a fit.

  "Some sort of activation device?" Cosmo asked.

  "I'm guessing so. No batteries though."

  "The lights are running off something. They may be compatible. Let's see what we can find," Cosmo said.

  They moved into the hall and Cosmo followed one of the wires on the wall to a closed panel. Vex pulled open the lid and Cosmo found what he was looking for—a battery connected to the system. It was an easy process to remove and transfer over to the wand device.