Give Me Wings

by Joy Redmond

  “See, Punkin?” he said with a laugh. “We’ve moved up in the world. Now we’ve got a two-seater shitter.”

  “A two-seater shitter,” Carnikko repeated dutifully. Then she asked, “Can we look down the well?”

  “Yeah, come on,” he said, then they strolled across the yard. Teddy lifted the cover and lowered a bucket tied to a long rope into the well. Carnikko heard a splash as the bucket hit the water at the bottom. Then Daddy cranked the bucket back up. Dunking a metal dipper into the water, Daddy held it out to Carnikko, saying, “Take a drink of this, Punkin. Best damn water in the world!”

  She drank, then wiped her mouth on her hand and declared, “Best damn water I ever drunk!”

  Daddy laughed. “Don’t let yer mama hear ya talk like that or she’ll wash yer mouth out with lye soap!”

  Carnikko knew Mama would be mad, but something else was wrong with Mama. She just hadn’t been her usual self lately. “I wanna go see Mama,” she said, turning toward the house. She ran across the yard, bounded across the loose planks of the back porch, and burst through the screen door. Seeing her mama, Carnikko threw her arms wide apart and exclaimed, “Mama, I love ya this much!” Mama was unpacking a box of dishes and placing them in the new cupboard. Carnikko thought her mama looked tired—and fat. She used to be as skinny as a rail.

  “Hi, honey. Did Daddy give you a tour?” Mama asked. Then she spread her own arms wide and said, “I love ya this much, and much, much more.” As Carnikko ran to her side, Mama patted her daughter’s mass of chestnut-brown curls, then lowered herself into a chair. “I sure do love the cupboard that your grandpa made for us. It holds a lot more than the old one. It’s amazing how he cuts timber, hews logs, strips bark, and sands it to perfection. He can erect any piece of furniture a person could want.”

  Carnikko said, “I like to watch him whittle, and boy he can do it as fast as a minnow can swing a dipper. Some of the dogs he made look like they’re gonna bark at me. I’m pretty sure I heard one of the cats purr.”

  Mama laughed. “Child, you listen to your daddy too much. He’s always talking about being faster than a minnow swimming across a dipper. As for Grandpa, he does whittle with such fine definition they look real, that’s for sure. Your aunt Nora and I used to wonder if we could shoot the little pistols he liked to whittle. He sells a lot of his woodwork, and the extra money comes in handy since being a dirt farmer is a hard way to make a living.”

  “And Grandma sells homemade butter and jellies and jams,” Carnikko said with pride.

  Mama rubbed the small of her back, then said, “Your grandparents are special people. I just wish your daddy—”

  Teddy came inside before Rachel finished her sentence.

  “I’ll finish puttin' the dishes away. You just rest a spell, Rach.” Teddy lifted several plates from the box “Do ya like it out here in the country?”

  “Sure, I like it. I was brought up in the country. I’m just worried about the extra gas for your drive back and forth to work, and we’ll have an electric bill too.”

  Daddy grinned that boyish grin he always used to put Mama at ease. “Don’t worry, honey pot,” he said as he bent and picked up several bowls. “I’ll take all the overtime I can get, and we can plant a garden and have chickens and eggs. That’ll cut down on groceries and make up the difference.” He winked, then walked over, placed his hand under Mama’s chin, tilted her face upward, and softly kissed her.

  Carnikko had been holding her breath, hoping Daddy wouldn’t cuss and yell because Mama was worried about money again. When she saw them kiss, she clapped her hands and smiled broadly.

  Two weeks after Carnikko’s fourth birthday, Mama was putting the children to bed. Since Don and Lee shared a bed in the middle room, Mama kissed them, tucked them in, then she waddled into the front room where she found Carnikko sitting on the edge of the rollaway, pumping her legs as if peddling a bicycle.

  “It’s time to get under the covers, sweetie. You’re a big girl, so please don’t give Mama a hard time tonight.”

  Carnikko crossed her arms in defiance. “I don’t wanna go to bed. I want Daddy to tell me a story. Where is he, anyway?”

  “Daddy had to go to the store in Canoe Cove so he could use the phone to call Doctor Clay for me.”

  “Why, Mama, are ya sick?” Carnikko asked, her little face etched with concern.

  “No, honey, I’m not sick,” Mama said, smiling through her obvious pain. “Doctor Clay is going to bring Mama a new baby.”

  “Doc Clay is gonna bring a new baby?” Carnikko said, her eyes opening wide. “When? What kind? I want a sister. I already got two brothers.”

  “Well, Doctor Clay won’t bring the new baby until you go to sleep,” Mama said, pulling back the covers. “Now it’s time for you to crawl under the quilts and go to sleep.”

  As Carnikko nestled her head on the pillow, she looked up at her mother and asked, “Where does Doc Clay get babies from?”

  “He gets them from his black bag,” Mama answered with a wry smile. “Now that’s enough questions, sweetie. I need to go lay down. Please close your eyes and go to sleep. You should have a new baby sister or brother when ya wake up—okay?”

  “Okay, but remember—I want a baby sister,” Carnikko said sleepily. For a few minutes, Carnikko lay thinking about the wonder of it all. Doc Clay was sort of like Santa Claus, she decided, except that all he brought was babies. It was all very mysterious.

  Although she desperately wanted to be awake when Doctor Clay brought the new baby, Carnikko finally drifted off to sleep, but she was awakened by loud moans. She got out of bed and tiptoed toward the dim light where she saw Daddy pacing the floor beside their bed, running his hand through his hair and puffing on a cigarette.

  She heard Daddy say, “Where is that sumbitch? I called 'im over an hour ago. Dumb jackass can’t find his way a few miles outta town?”

  Carnikko knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to try to talk to her daddy at that moment, so she turned around and quietly slipped back into her bed.

  Early the next morning, the first thing Carnikko heard when she woke up was a strange sound—like the mewing of a kitten. She leaped out of bed and ran across the cold floor toward the sound. She saw Mama, propped up in bed and holding a baby to her breast.

  Carnikko climbed into the bed and asked excitedly, “Well, Mama, what is it? What did Doc Clay bring us? It’s a girl, right? Can I hold it?”

  Mama smiled, then gently placing the baby into her daughter’s arms she said, “You have another little brother.”

  “Oh, no, Mama! Didn’t you tell Doc Clay I wanted a sister?”

  “I’m sorry, sweetie,” Mama said, ruffling Carnikko’s hair. “All he had was boys this time.”

  “Oh, well, maybe next time,” Carnikko said with a sigh. “What’s his name?”

  “Dale Evan,” Mama said, “but we’re gonna call him Evan.”

  “Well, I really wanted a sister, but I guess he’s okay for now,” Carnikko said. “He does seem kinda sweet.” She kissed her baby brother on the forehead. “I love ya, Evan, and I’ll help Mama take care of ya.” She rubbed Evan’s tiny head. “He ain’t got no hair.”

  Mama smiled and replied, “He’ll get hair. It looks like he’s going to be a blond.”

  “Yeah, it’ll be the color of angel hair,” Carnikko said, hugging Evan a little tighter. “He’ll be our little angel, huh, Mama? All he needs is a halo.”

  Chapter Eight

  As Carnikko snuggled with Mama and Evan on the bed, Daddy stepped outside and stood on the front porch to light a cigarette. Carnikko eased out of the bed and tiptoed out to join him.

  She opened the front door just as Daddy pulled a pint from the breast pocket of his coat and took a long swig. He turned to Carnikko, shook his head, and said, “How am I gonna feed and clothe four youngens?”

  Before Carnikko could reply, they heard a snort and looked up to see two mules coming up the hill. Throwing his cigarette away fiercely, Daddy m
umbled, “I mighta knowed. Them bible-thumpin' turds always show up. That damn Lula is a leapin' lizard from hell!”

  Although she didn’t quite know why her daddy was never happy to see them, Carnikko smiled broadly as she watched the wagon slowly climb the hill. Grandpa was holding the reins as he and Grandma rocked back and forth with the jerky movements of the wagon.

  Not wanting to stay for the confrontation, Carnikko slipped back into the house, where she saw baby Evan was asleep on the bed, but Mama wasn’t in the front room. She walked across the room and picked up the stick doll that Grandpa had whittled for her. Its head was a bit too big, but Grandpa had notched the eyes, and the doll had a pug nose, much like hers. There were times when Carnikko really did think the doll was smiling at her. Grandma had knitted a pretty pink dress for Dolly, but as much as she liked the stick doll, Carnikko longed for a doll with stuffing—one that felt more like a real baby.

  As Carnikko sat on the rollaway, Daddy stepped inside and said, “Carnikko, do ya wanna go to Canoe Cove with me? Ya can go to the candy store.”

  Carnikko dropped Dolly and said, “Sure, I wanna go, Daddy.”

  Don, who was sitting in the wingback chair drawing pictures with his crayons, looked up and asked, “Can I go too, Daddy?”

  Teddy laughed and said, “What a silly question. Of course you can come, if ya wanna.” He looked around the room and said, “Where’s Lee?”

  Don said, “I dunno.”

  Teddy grabbed the kids’ coats off the nails on the wall by the radio stand, slipped them on the children, and quickly ushered them into the kitchen. Mama was at the kitchen table feeding Lee.

  “We’re goin' to the store,” Daddy announced, and before Mama could say a word, he and the two older kids were out the back door.

  With Don and Carnikko in the backseat, Daddy slid behind the wheel and fired up the Model T. He jerked into low gear, and as the car pulled away from the house, Don looked out the window and said, “Hey, Daddy, there’s Grandma and Grandpa.”

  “Yeah,” Daddy said, shifting gears, “and you can see ꞌem when we get back. Right now we’re off to get some candy.”

  Don and Carnikko waved as they passed Grandma and Grandpa, but Daddy looked straight ahead, cussing under his breath. He kept mumbling until they pulled up to the gas pumps in front of the grocery store.

  As Teddy shut off the engine, Carnikko leaped to her feet and squealed, “Can we get some candy now?”

  Opening the door and stepping out of the car, Teddy reached into his jeans pocket, pulled out two nickels, and handed them to his kids. “Here ya go. I’ve gotta get gas, and put some air in the tires. Come right back here when yer done, okay?”

  The kids took off as if they’d heard the starting gun for a race and rushed toward the candy store, which was just down the street. When they arrived, there were no other customers. They scanned the various bins of candy behind the glass at the front counter.

  As Carnikko was trying to figure out what kind of candy she wanted, she glanced up at the old man who owned the store. He was short, fat, and bald, with tobacco stains at the corners of his mouth and on his chin.

  “Come on, kids, what ya want?” he said, sounding a bit irritated.

  Carnikko replied, “Give us a second. We ain’t sure yet!” As she looked at the chocolate drops, the orange slices, and candy corn, Carnikko could feel the old man’s eyes on her. She looked up again and saw him eyeing her up and down—and it gave her the creeps.

  The old man picked up a small brown paper bag, opened a bin, and scooped some chocolate drops into it. Then he smiled as he folded the top and held the bag over the counter to Don. “Here, kid,” he said. “I think you’ll like these.” He winked and added, “And you can keep yer money, okay?”

  Don’s eyes widened as he took the bag. “Gee, thanks, Mr. Candy Man,” he said, opening the sack and immediately cramming a few pieces of chocolate into his mouth.

  Meanwhile, Carnikko was pressing her nose to the glass, still trying to decide. “You can run along now, boy,” the old man said. “I’ll help your little sister pick out hers.”

  Don turned and ran out the door, happily holding his bag of free candy. As soon as the door slammed behind Don, the old man walked around to the front of the counter and took Carnikko’s hand.

  “Come with me, my little beauty,” he said sweetly. “I have some special candy I wanna show you.” The old man led Carnikko behind the counter and into a back room. He seemed nice, but he made Carnikko nervous, and he smelled awful.

  In the back room, the old man lifted Carnikko under the armpits then set her down on a lumpy mattress. Before she could ask what was going on, he pushed her backward, slipped her dress above her waist, and yanked off her panties.

  As the old man loomed above her, Carnikko was filled with sudden terror. She shouted, “No! I don’t want you to put my candy in my panties. What are you doin'?” She tried to escape, but the old man placed a knee in her chest and pinned her to the mattress. He clamped his left hand over her mouth while spreading her legs with his right hand. Then he pushed his finger inside her, hard—and harder.

  Carnikko struggled with all the strength in her small body, but she couldn’t dislodge the knee that was crushing the air out of her. Finally, she managed to free her mouth enough to sink her teeth fiercely into the old man’s hand.

  He jerked his hand away and as he put it to his mouth, Carnikko scooted to the edge of the bed, screaming as loudly as she could. The old man grabbed her by the hair, lifted her into the air, and flung her to the floor, shouting, “Shut up, you little brat—and get outta here!”

  Carnikko scrambled to her feet, bolted from the store, and ran back toward the gas station. Her mind was reeling. Mama had once told her that if a person touched your pee-pee, it was a sin, and she remembered Preacher saying that sinners went to hell. Shame flooded her soul as pictures of a pit with leaping flames flashed before her eyes. She was sure she was going to burn in hell, and she actually thought she could feel hell’s flames heating the back of her neck.

  Daddy opened the door and said, “Come on, Punkin, you can sit up front with me on the way home.”

  Carnikko stepped on the running board, and Daddy pulled her inside. She was gasping for breath and Daddy said, “Pull the door shut.”

  She managed to shut the door, but her head was spinning almost like it did when she twirled around several times fast—a game she liked to play.

  Daddy looked at her and said, “Are ya alright? Ya didn’t have to run back here so fast. We wouldn’t have left without ya. Ya wolfed down yer candy awful fast. Don had his gone before I got back to the car. Ya kids sure like candy, don’t ya?” Carnikko tried to speak, but only gurgling sounds came forth. Daddy patted her on the back. “Are ya chokinꞌ?

  Carnikko could only shake her head. Daddy shrugged his shoulders, then pulled the car into gear and headed up the road, tipping a pint to his lips.

  As they bounced along the road, Carnikko’s pee-pee was stinging worse than her foot had when a bee stung her the summer before while she was running barefoot through the clover—but she fought against the urge to cry. If she cried, she’d have to tell Daddy what happened. Then Daddy might kill the old man, and then Daddy would go to jail. She also knew she couldn’t tell Mama, because that would make Mama ashamed of her daughter. If she told Grandma, she’d just say that she was a sinner and was going straight to hell.

  There was nobody she could tell.

  Disconsolate, Carnikko closed her eyes, wishing she could fly. She’d fly to heaven and beg God to forgive her. Suddenly, a tiny purple angel fluttered in front of her closed eyelids. It was a girl with long brown curls, stroking her wings as if silently asking Carnikko if she wanted a pair of her own.

  Carnikko kept her eyes tightly closed and replied in her mind, Give me wings!

  Purple Angel smiled, nodded, and disappeared, but as soon as she was gone, Carnikko began to feel tiny buds pushing up from under her shoulder blades
. In moments, the buds had become stalks, the stalks had sprouted shoots, and the shoots had unfolded into a pair of wonderful wings.

  She flew out of the car and soared into the air. It took only a short time to master her wings, and she happily rose higher, looking down at the houses, trees, and the rest of the world below.

  When she finally landed, she stroked her new wings. They were purple and felt like silk—purple silk. With her bare feet, she tiptoed over a plush carpet of grass and waded in a nearby babbling brook. On the bank, she saw a lamb snuggled beside a lion. It was all too amazing. Carnikko closed her eyes and turned in circles, wondering if it would all be gone when she opened them.

  She lifted her eyelids slowly, holding her breath, and she was overjoyed to see a giant weeping willow, its branches laden with Hershey Bars, PayDays, Milky Ways, and Butterfingers. The branches were almost all the way to the ground. She waded across the shallow brook and hurried to the tree, plucked off a Butterfinger, and took a huge bite. When she finished it, she plucked one of each, and continued to eat until her stomach couldn’t hold any more. She even wondered if her stomach was going to overflow like the water bucket had done when Daddy had drawn it from the well.

  Then she heard a strange sound from faraway. It sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t quite make it out. A moment later, the sound grew closer—and louder.

  “Carnikko!” Daddy was calling loudly. “Carnikko, are ya alright?”

  Suddenly, she felt as if she was being sucked through a long tunnel. There was a loud popping noise, and she found herself back in the car.

  “Punkin, we’re home,” Daddy said, gently nudging his daughter’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Punkin. I didn’t mean to scare ya, but it was like ya were in another world. Ya go on in the house now. I’ll see ya in a few days after yer grandparents leave.”