Give Me Wings

by Joy Redmond

  When they disappeared down the stairs, she made a beeline for the apartment, eased open the door, stepped inside—and heard Don’s voice. She braced herself for big trouble.

  Daddy was sitting at the table reading the funny papers and chasing Stanback with black coffee. He put his coffee mug on the table with a bang, and yelled, “Where the hell have you been?”

  Daddy’s eyes looked mad, but the rest of his face looked worried. For a moment, she shifted her weight back and forth, wondering what she could tell him that he might believe.

  Finally, she said, “Uh, I met a new friend and I’ve been in her apartment, playin' with her.” She thought better about telling Daddy that the family was black.

  She wondered if Daddy was going to cuss and yell, but instead, he said, “Well, that’s good. I’m glad you made a new friend. The boys made friends with a new kid who’s just movin' in down the hall—into the place where the deaf mutes used to live.”

  Carnikko’s heart leapt with joy. She had told the truth and Daddy hadn’t gotten mad, the nasty man was moving away, and she had some new friends that she could go see any time she wanted to. Daddy hadn’t asked where they lived or what color they were, and she wasn’t going to tell him.

  Carnikko walked toward the bedroom to see if Daddy needed to change Emily. She found her asleep and dry. She stood next to the crib, reached through the rails, and patted Emily’s head gently. “Poor baby. I wish I could sneak ya out and take ya with me to Miz Mattie’s.” She sighed. “But that ain’t gonna happen.”

  Back in the kitchen, Carnikko decided not to mention her birthday. She’d already had a great birthday, and if Daddy didn’t remember—well, so what?

  Every Saturday and Sunday after that, Carnikko was off to Miz Mattie’s, where she ate, played cards with Yolanda, and sometimes sat in Miz Mattie’s lap while she sang hymns. Miz Mattie had the voice of an angel—and Carnikko was convinced that she had been sent as an angel for her! She decided that angels must come in all colors—which was the way it should be.

  In mid-December, school let out for the holidays. Each morning Carnikko awoke early, stepped over the boys, and headed downstairs, where Miz Mattie fed her pancakes smothered with butter and syrup. Miz Mattie called them flapjacks, but no matter what they were called, they were delicious.

  Late one afternoon, after playing with Yolanda, Carnikko decided it was time for her to head upstairs because Daddy would be home from work soon and she didn’t want him to come looking for her. “I hafta go home now,” she announced, heading for the door.

  Yolanda said, “Don’t leave yet. Uncle Amos is gonna bring us a Christmas tree tonight and I want ya to help decorate it.”

  “Oh, that would be fun,” Carnikko said, “but I need to get upstairs. Daddy’s probably bringin' us a Christmas tree too, and I’ll hafta help decorate it. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  Miz Mattie walked Carnikko to the door, then looked down at her and asked, “Baby, is yo daddy Ted Randall?”

  “Yesꞌm,” Carnikko replied. “Why?”

  Miz Mattie just smiled and said, “Oh, baby. Everybody in the building knows yo daddy. Ya better let me look out into the hallway before ya go out.”

  Miz Mattie opened the door and stuck her head out into the hallway. As she did, Carnikko managed to peek around her large body—and gasped.

  Daddy was standing in a doorway of an apartment a couple doors away—kissing a black woman!

  Looking down, Miz Mattie shut the door and said, “I’m sorry, chile. I didn’t mean for ya to sees that. That woman is just a no-good ho and she has mens friends comin' and goin' all the time.”

  Carnikko giggled, which got her a hard glare from Miz Mattie, but she couldn’t help it. Seeing Daddy kissing a black woman was the funniest thing she’d ever seen, especially since she’d been worried that he was going to be mad because she had black friends of her own.

  Miz Mattie said, “I don’t see nothin' funny ꞌbout that, chile.”

  Still laughing, Carnikko said, “But it is funny, Miz Mattie. Daddy was kissin' on Ellie while he was married to Mama, now he’s kissin' on another woman while he’s married to Ellie. Don’t ya see? Ellie’s gettin' back what she dished out, just like Mammaw said was gonna happen someday.”

  Miz Mattie’s face broke into a smile as she nodded and said, “Yer right, chile. We get back just what we put out. Life has a way of turnin' round and bitin' ya in the butt!”

  Miz Mattie waited a few moments, then opened the door again, patted Carnikko’s head, and said, “Okay, the coast be clear. You can run along now, but come back as soon as ya can.”

  “I will,” Carnikko said as she started down the hallway.

  When she entered the apartment, Daddy was sitting at the table, as calm as could be. She crawled into his lap and asked, “Daddy, how long till Christmas gets here?”

  “Two more days, Punkin,” he said, running his hand over his face the way he always did when he was worried or agitated. “I know we don’t have a Christmas tree, but we ain’t got a place to put one anyway—and it’s goin' to be a poor Christmas, I’m afraid—”

  Ellie cut Daddy off as she laughed and said, “What do we need a Christmas tree for? There isn’t going to be any presents to put under it anyway—so you kids better not be expecting anything.” She actually seemed to take pleasure in delivering bad news.

  Carnikko asked, “Why ain’t we gonna get any presents? We’ve been good.”

  Daddy’s face grew red as he jumped up from the chair, sending Carnikko to the floor. He grabbed Ellie by the neck, lifted her from her chair, and slammed her against the wall, shouting, “You stinkin' piece of shit! Don’t you tell my kids they won’t get any Christmas presents! I gave you money for that last week.”

  Don leaned over to Lee and whispered, “I think Daddy’s gonna kill ꞌer.”

  Lee whispered, “I hope he does.”

  Carnikko ran over and grabbed Daddy’s arm, saying, “Don’t kill her, Daddy! She’s gonna have a baby. Just slap her one and then let her be.”

  Daddy loosened his grip, then shoved Ellie back into her chair. She rubbed her throat, but her face was defiant.

  “What did ya do with the money?” Daddy yelled.

  “I still got some of it,” Ellie said with a smirk, as if she was daring Daddy to hit her.

  “Then you better get your lazy ass up and go do some shoppin'!” he yelled so loudly that Carnikko figured that everybody in the apartment building could hear.

  Ellie got up and stormed into the bedroom, put on her coat, then stomped out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.

  Daddy eased into his chair, ran his hand over his face again, and said, “Sorry, kids, I wish ya hadn’t seen that, but she makes me so damn mad.” He shook his head, threw his arms into the air and yelled, “Jesus Christ!”

  Carnikko couldn’t believe her ears. Daddy was calling on Jesus? Did that mean he was finally a believer? She sat in the chair next to him and said softly, “Daddy, why did ya take up with that Ellie?”

  “I don’t know, Punkin. It was just one of them things.”

  Carnikko said, “Mammaw says love is blind. Was ya blind when ya fell in love with Ellie?”

  Daddy smirked. “Love ain’t blind, Punkin. Love is stupid, and stupid people fall in love every day—at least they think it’s love. As for me—I wouldn’t know love if it bit me. All I know is lust.”

  Carnikko had no idea what lust was or what it had to do with love, but she let it go. She ambled over to her cot, sat, and began thinking about the dresses, shoes, and toys she wanted for Christmas. She promised herself that she’d have all the things she wished for—someday.

  She spent the rest of the day lost in her fantasy world.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The next morning, Carnikko awoke shivering, wondering if she’d spend the rest of her life being cold. She had slept in her clothes because Daddy’s T-shirt wasn’t warm enough. She’d also slept in her shoes because she was s
cared that the rats would bite her toes.

  She sat up, rubbed her eyes, glanced toward the table, and saw three small packages. She walked across the floor, nudged Don and Lee with her shoe and whispered, “There’s three presents on the table. I wonder if they’re ours.”

  Don and Lee sprang to their feet, scurried across the floor, and all three children grabbed the presents bearing their names. They ripped off the paper. They stood stunned. They were holding red plastic piggy banks, about three inches tall and five inches long.

  “I didn’t expect much, but I’ve seen better presents in boxes of Cracker Jack,” Lee said.

  “No joke,” Don said.

  “I’d rather have a box of Cracker Jack,” Carnikko said.

  Daddy walked into the kitchen, saying, “Mornin', kids. Merry Christmas.” When he saw the piggy banks, he said, “Is this all ya got? I gave that woman forty dollars!”

  “I reckon that’s it,” answered Carnikko. “It’s all we could find.”

  Daddy turned and stomped back toward the bedroom. The kids listened, as if expecting to hear yelling and cussing, maybe hear Ellie’s body being slammed against a wall. But they heard nothing.

  A few minutes later, Daddy came back into the kitchen, wearing jeans and a red flannel shirt. “Get yer things together, kids,” he said. “I’m takin' ya back to Kentucky. I was a gawddang fool to think I could take care of ya in the first place, but Ellie ain’t gonna mistreat ya no more.”

  Carnikko said softly, “We ain’t got no things to get together, Daddy. All we got is what we got on!”

  Daddy sighed deeply, then said, “Okay. Well, I’ll be ready to go as soon as I make some coffee for the road.”

  Carnikko slipped into her blue sweater. Lee put on his jacket. Don put on the Navy pea coat, and they were ready.

  It seemed like an eternity before Daddy, holding a thermos bottle of coffee, swung the door open and leaned his body against it, and said, “Okay, kids, we got a long way to go.” He looked at Don and said, “You can wear my coat till we get there, but then I’m afraid I’ll need it back, son. That coat means a lot to me. Someday, I’ll make sure you get one of yer own.”

  As Daddy lit a Lucky Strike, the children picked up the piggy banks, then as if reading each other’s minds, they dropped the banks to the floor. Carnikko kicked one across the kitchen and it landed under her cot. Daddy and the boys laughed. “Let’s go,” Carnikko said with a laugh, too.

  As they ran down the hallway, eager to escape the living hell they’d been trapped in for so long, Carnikko suddenly said, “Oh, Daddy, I gotta go tell my friends bye.”

  “Go ahead,” Daddy said. “I’ll get the car warmed up, but don’t drag ass. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”

  Carnikko ran downstairs and pounded on Miz Mattie’s apartment door. When Miz Mattie opened it, Carnikko flung herself against the huge woman, hugging her with all her might.

  Miz Mattie patted her back and said, “What be the matter, baby? Is the boogieman chasin' ya?”

  “No,” Carnikko said, hugging Miz Mattie even harder. “I just come to tell ya bye. Daddy’s takin' us back to Kentucky—but I wanted to thank ya and tell ya how much I’m gonna miss ya.”

  “Oh, baby, we’re gonna miss ya, too, but I’m glad yer gettin' away from here. Yer too sweet to be so mistreated. I wish I coulda kept ya all the time,” Miz Mattie said, wiping her eyes.

  Yolanda joined her mother in the doorway, tears rolling down her cheeks, as she asked, “Are you leavin' us?”

  Carnikko hugged Yolanda, kissed her cheek, and said, “Yeah, I gotta go, but I ain’t never gonna forget ya—any of ya! You’ve been the bestest friends in the whole wide world!”

  Miz Mattie raised her apron and wiped her eyes again, saying, “We won’t never forget ya either, baby. Yer my lil’ white baby—but it’s for the best. You’s special—never forget that—and someday the whole world is gonna know it, too! Ya let yer light shine, ya hear?”

  Carnikko believed Miz Mattie’s words. Someday she would show the world just how special she really was. She’d shine like a star.

  “When I grow up, I’m gonna come back and see ya—I promise,” Carnikko said, giving Miz Mattie one last hug. “You’ll always be my black mama, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.”

  “Thank ya, chile,” said Miz Mattie, patting Carnikko’s head tenderly. “Now ya better run along—and God bless ya, baby.”

  “God bless ya too,” Carnikko said as she turned to leave. “I love ya! Bye.”

  She ran from the building without looking back, then toward the car. She couldn’t wait to get away from Ellie, the cockroaches, and the rats, but she couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing Miz Mattie or Yolanda again—and she was going to miss little Emily.

  She climbed into the front seat next to Daddy, looked straight ahead, and said, “Okay, Daddy, step on it!”

  Laughing, Daddy pulled away from the curb, saying, “Okay, kids, we’re on our way back to Kentucky!”

  They were on their way, but Carnikko couldn’t help wondering where Daddy was going to leave them once they got there. Then she smiled, because it didn’t really matter. Anywhere, with anybody, would have to be better than the hellhole they were finally leaving behind.

  Carnikko rested her head in Daddy’s lap and the boys huddled together in the backseat with the pea coat over them. By the time they reached the outskirts of Indianapolis, the boys were sound asleep. Ten miles past the city limit, Daddy stopped at a wayside inn. As Carnikko watched him go into the store, he seemed to be walking like an old man. Daddy usually had a spring in his walk.

  When he returned to the car, he opened the door, slid behind the wheel, tipped up the bottle he’d just bought, and mumbled, “If there was ever a time in my wretched life when I need a few good belts, it’s now. There ain’t enough whiskey in the world to numb the pain in my heart.

  Carnikko laid her head back down in Daddy’s lap as he pulled back onto the highway. The humming of the motor was comforting and made her feel sleepy. Suddenly, she was running down a long gray hallway with many doors on each side. She flung open a door and yelled, “Mama!” The room was empty. She ran to another room, and another and another, but Mama wasn’t in any of them. “Mama! Mama!” she screamed.

  She awoke to Daddy shaking her shoulder. “Punkin, wake up. Yer havin' a bad dream.”

  As she bolted upright, she said, “I was tryinꞌ to find Mama, but she wasn’t in any of the rooms.”

  “You was tryin' to find Mama?” Daddy asked, looking over at his daughter, seeing the terror in her eyes. Suddenly, he ran off the side of the road. As he pulled the car back onto the road he said, “I’m not sure what yer tryin' to say, Punkin.”

  “I think I was back at the hospital and I was runnin' down that ugly gray hall, where they told me Mama and Evan was in another room. I hate ‘em for lyin' to me! I hope they all go to hell! That was just plum mean.” When Daddy didn’t respond, she added, “Well, I don’t want all of ꞌem to go to hell. Mammaw thought—oh, I don’t know what she was thinkin'. ”

  “I don’t know either, Punkin,” Daddy said sadly. “I reckon I don’t know nothin' about nothin' no more. Seems like all I do is screw up my life and everybody’s life that I love.” He got a faraway look in his eyes, then said, “Sometimes I dream ꞌbout yer sweet mama too.”

  “Ya do?” Carnikko asked in astonishment. “What do you dream about her?”

  “Oh, ꞌbout lots of things. They’re always different, and sometimes I don’t remember the details, but I know I was dreamin' about her.”

  Looking out the window and smiling, Carnikko figured if Daddy dreamed about Mama it must mean that he still loved her. Without thinking, she began, “You know, sometimes I go—”

  Her voice trailed off at that point. She figured Daddy wouldn’t understand anyway. He didn’t believe in heaven or God, so she couldn’t tell him about her heavenly visits because he might tell her she was full of goshdang horse-shit. It wa
s at that point that she thought Daddy was the one who was full of horse-shit, most of the time.

  She laid her head back on Daddy’s leg and soon fell asleep again. All three children slept all the way to Kentucky.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  They were awakened by Daddy’s voice. “We’re here, kids! Time to wake up!”

  As Carnikko sat up, Daddy rubbed his right leg and shook it up and down, as if it had gone to sleep with her head resting on it. The children looked around and smiled as they recognized their surroundings.

  As the children jumped out of the car, Daddy laughed and said, “I wonder if Mr. Gilmore is still injectin' his end melons with croton oil in case a new batch of Randalls wants to steal ‘em?”

  The children didn’t answer him. They were busy running up the three steps to the porch. Don reached the door first, flung it open, and ran inside, yelling, “Mammaw, we’re home!” as if Mammaw had been expecting them.

  Mammaw came walking out of the kitchen, and when she saw the children, her eyes grew wide and her hands went to her mouth. “Heavens to Mergatroid!” She gasped. “What happened to Mammaw’s babies?”

  She held out her arms and they all ran to her, encircling her with joyous hugs. After she had hugged Mammaw, Carnikko looked back and saw Daddy standing in the doorway, and he seemed to be doing his best to choke back his tears. Though he would never admit it, it was clear that his heart was breaking. She didn’t want to think about what would be coming later. She just wanted to enjoy being back with her family for Christmas.

  Mammaw looked over at Daddy and said sternly, “Have ya been keepin' these youngens in garbage cans? They’re filthy and they reek to high heaven—and they’re so skinny they look like spaghetti sticks!”

  Daddy just shook his head sadly.

  The aroma of turkey and stuffing from the kitchen was heavenly. Don said, “Mammaw, we’re hungry, and that sure smells good. We ain’t had hardly nothin' to eat since we left Kentucky.”