Give Me Wings

by Joy Redmond

  Grandpa added, “And you kids know how much you love Grandma’s butter, so you’ll have to give up one thing or another. That’s the way it is with life. You might as well learn that lesson now.”

  A few minutes later, Carnikko was emptying her glass of milk at the kitchen table. She looked at her grandparents and asked, “Do you have anything that belonged to Mama? I don’t have one single thing to remember her by.”

  Grandma nodded and said, “Yes, child. We managed to get a few things before the house was emptied. Come with me.”

  All three children followed Grandma to the bedroom, where she pointed to a corner and said, “That’s your mother’s table and lamp. Don and Lee should remember it from when they were here with us.” She opened a cedar chest and took out a scarf and a hairbrush. Looking at Carnikko, she said, “These belonged to your mother. I saved them for you.”

  Carnikko wrapped the scarf around her neck and stroked it, her eyes filling with tears. She ran her hand over the hairbrush and pulled out a few strands of chestnut-brown hair.

  Grandma said, “Nobody has used that brush since your mama.”

  Carnikko smiled and said, “I want to put the hair in a plastic picture holder in a wallet so I can look at it anytime I want to.”

  Grandma said, “Well, don’t pull it out yet! You don’t have a wallet to put it in.” She turned and walked over to a bureau, opened the top drawer, and pulled out a locket. She held it out, saying, “Here, child. This belonged to my mother. You can put the hair inside and keep it forever. The clasp is broken, but we can fix that. I’ll keep it for you until you’re all grown up. Then, when you have a home and a safe place to put it, you can have it.”

  Carnikko carefully pulled out the remaining hair, coiled it around her index finger, then gently placed it in the locket. She kissed it softly and handed it back to Grandma.

  “Grandma, can I please keep the hairbrush with me? Aunt Lou will make sure nothing happens to it and I can brush my hair with it every day.”

  Grandma frowned. “What do you mean? Why would Aunt Lou keep it?”

  Carnikko said, “Because I’m gonna be livin' with her. Don’s gonna live with Uncle Clayton, and Lee’s gonna stay with you and Grandpa.”

  “Oh, I see,” Grandma said. Then she looked at Don and asked, “Is that how it’s going to be?”

  Don shrugged and replied, “Uncle Clayton lives alone and needs some company, so I reckon it’s my duty to help him out, since he was always good to Mama.”

  Carnikko added, “And Aunt Lou needs me to help her with the babies.”

  Grandma shook her head and said, “Well, if that’s how you feel, I guess that’s how it will be.” Then she looked at Carnikko and added, “I have something else that’ll make you happy.” She walked over to a closet, opened it, and pulled out the oak doll cradle. “I saved this. It was the last Christmas present that your mama gave you.”

  “Oh, Grandma!” Carnikko gasped. “I didn’t think I’d ever see it again. Do you have my Betsy Wetsy doll too?”

  “No, I’m sorry.” Grandma said. “So many things were gone by the time Grandpa and I got there. The Randalls couldn’t wait to get their hands on everything.” She blew a hard breath through pursed lips, then said, “But I got what I could for all of you. Once you have permanent homes, you can have them.”

  At that moment, Aunt Bell called from the living room, “Are you kids about ready to go? I gotta go to work, you know.”

  Grandma looked at Don and Carnikko closely and said, “I guess you need to go—if that’s what you’ve got your minds made up to do.”

  Carnikko picked up Mama’s hairbrush and started to walk out of the room.

  Grandma said, “I’m sorry, dear. I’ll keep the brush with me,” as she took it from Carnikko’s hand.

  “But Grandma—”

  Grandma’s hard eyes let Carnikko know the hairbrush would stay where it was.

  Carnikko and Don didn’t say a word. They just walked back into the living room. As they were putting their coats on, Grandpa came into the living room and said, “Bell, it sure was nice of you to bring the children back to us. We appreciate it and I’ll be happy to pay you for the gas.”

  Before Aunt Bell could respond, Grandma interjected, “Don and Carnikko won’t be staying with us, Eldon. Lee’s the only one who’ll be staying.”

  Grandpa looked at Don and Carnikko and said, “Oh, I see. Well, if that’s what makes you kids happy, I guess we’ll have to accept it.” With that being said, he headed out of the living room, and the children heard him slam the back door.

  Grandma walked the children out to the car. Carnikko hugged Lee and fought her tears. Don shook Lee’s hand. Just before they climbed inside the car, Grandma said, “You two know where we live. Whenever you want to pay us a call, we’ll always be glad to see you.”

  Don and Carnikko merely nodded.

  Aunt Bell started the car, and Carnikko and Don waved to Lee as he held Grandma’s hand. As she drove down the driveway, Aunt Bell said, “They sure were glad to see you two. I hate to see their feelings hurt because you didn’t want to stay with them. But I think I understand.”

  Carnikko pouted all the way back to town. She didn’t understand why Grandma wouldn’t let her keep Mama’s hairbrush. Sometimes Grandma could be so stubborn.

  The children had only been back at Mammaw’s house an hour when Aunt Lou and Uncle Clayton showed up to get them. They said their goodbyes and waved to each other as they got into different cars, but there were no tears. They had cried it out a long time ago.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Carnikko settled in with Aunt Lou and Uncle Carl. They had moved into a bigger house with three bedrooms, and though Carnikko shared a room with Mickey, they had separate beds. It was wonderful to be able to take off her shoes and crawl into bed without worrying about cockroaches or rats—and she had nice flannel pajamas!

  Aunt Lou’s nerves weren’t in the best shape and she suffered from migraine headaches, but Carnikko learned to leave Aunt Lou alone when she was having a bad day. On good days, Aunt Lou was her old self, acting silly and making Carnikko laugh.

  A month after Christmas, Mammaw told Carnikko that Don had been moved to a foster home and was living with some people named York. She said that Uncle Clayton had been drafted and was in Korea.

  Carnikko grieved for Don, Lee, and Uncle Clayton, and she grieved for Mama and Evan more than ever. Mama and Evan had been gone a year.

  Another year went by and Christmas time rolled around again. Carnikko hadn’t seen or heard from Daddy and she wondered if he’d come to Christmas dinner at Mammaw’s, but she had her doubts. She also wondered why Purple Angel never came to visit anymore, and why God no longer let her go to heaven to visit Mama and Evan.

  On Christmas Eve, Aunt Lou tucked Mickey, Ikey, and Carnikko into bed, warning them not to get up for any reason. Just as Carnikko was about to doze off, she heard a loud knock on the front door. Then she heard Uncle Carl come out of his bedroom to answer the door.

  She listened closely and heard Uncle Carl say softly, “Well, Ted, it’s good to see ya!”

  Carnikko wanted to run and jump into Daddy’s arms, but she didn’t dare disobey Aunt Lou. Instead, she strained to hear Daddy say, “I know it’s late, but we got a late start. Is Punkin asleep?”

  “Everybody’s asleep,” Uncle Carl answered.

  Then Carnikko heard Ellie’s voice, “Where can I put the baby?” Why did Daddy have to bring her with ꞌim? Don’t he know she’s gonna ruin Christmas?

  “Put him on the couch,” Uncle Carl said. “He’s sure little for almost a year old. Where’s your little girl?”

  Daddy paused, then said, “She got adopted, but she’s in a good home with rich people, and she’ll have everything a little girl needs—things I couldn’t give ꞌer.” Then, as if he wanted to change the subject, he added quickly, “You wouldn’t happen to have any coffee, would ya?”

  “I’ll put a pot on,” Uncle C
arl said.

  Carnikko couldn’t believe her ears. Emily was living with rich people? She smiled as she envisioned Emily with lots of toys, clothes, and a pair of patent leather shoes. She might never see Emily again, but she was happy for her.

  Carnikko lay awake in the darkness for a long time, wondering what her own future would be like. Just because she was living with Aunt Lou and Uncle Carl didn’t mean she’d stay with them forever. She hadn’t had a permanent home since Mama died. There were only stopovers until it was time to move on.

  She told herself that someday she’d live in a mansion and she’d take in orphan girls and buy them beautiful clothes and patent leather shoes. She’d feed them bologna sandwiches on light bread smeared with mayonnaise and stuff them with potato chips and store-bought milk.

  That thought made her feel good, but she wished Purple Angel would take her to her special place where she could feel nothing but happiness and eat like a rich girl, dress like a rich girl, and be a rich girl—if only for a little while.

  She closed her eyes and pleaded, Purple Angel, please come to me.

  Suddenly, she was floating through darkness, and a second later she was standing in bright sunlight. Before her stood a white two-story house with brown shutters and flower boxes under the windows. She also saw a big barn behind the house.

  She walked down a path, entered the barn, and found two stalls with horses inside. She patted their noses and nuzzled her cheek against their faces. She walked out the back door of the barn and found herself standing on the edge of a cornfield, the stalks drooping from the weight of their large ears. She reached out and felt the silk, which reminded her of Emily’s hair.

  She walked back through the barn, out the front, and headed up the path. She stopped midway. To the left was a pasture with a herd of black cows grazing. She looked to her right and saw a small building, which resembled the coalhouse behind the shotgun house in Canoe Cove. Behind the shed was a cherry tree, its branches laden with bright red cherries.

  Then a strong wind began to blow and she found herself being swept up into the air. The wind was so strong that she couldn’t open her eyes.

  When the wind finally died down, she found herself standing in a bedroom, looking at a bed that had a tent-like thing over the top made of pink satin with ruffles around the edges. To her right was an open closet, filled with pretty dresses of all colors and white petticoats with ruffles around the hems. On the floor of the closet was a pair of black patent leather shoes. She slipped them onto her feet and found them to be a perfect fit.

  Her heart was overflowing with happiness when she heard Mickey yell, “Looky what I got! A wagon and a fire truck!”

  Then Ikey yelled, “I got a ball!”

  Carnikko’s body jerked, and for a few seconds she wasn’t sure where she was. Then she climbed out of bed, tiptoed across the bedroom floor, stuck her head around the door facing, and peeked into the living room. Mickey and Ikey were sitting beside the Christmas tree, grabbing presents. Her mind was reeling. Had Daddy really been there or had she just dreamed it?

  She walked into the living room, looked under the tree, and saw a doll with a bottle hanging around its neck. She stooped and picked it up, and just as she was standing again, she heard the front door open and felt a gust of cold air.

  As she turned, she heard Lee yell happily, “Hi, Sissy! Merry Christmas!”

  Don was right behind Lee.

  Carnikko hugged Lee and squeezed hard. Then she reached for Don, but he just stood stiffly, his arms at his side. Carnikko didn’t care. She grabbed him and hugged him anyway.

  Lee and Don had changed a lot since the previous Christmas. They seemed to be a foot taller, and their arms were no longer as skinny as toothpicks. Don’s coal-black hair was close-cropped and his curls were gone. Lee’s hair was cut short too, but it had always been straight.

  Carnikko’s asked excitedly, “How did you two get here?”

  Before they could respond, Carnikko heard someone say, “Hey, Punkin. Come here and give your ol’ man a hug.”

  She whirled around and hurried toward Daddy, who scooped her into his arms and kissed her cheek.

  Carnikko patted Daddy’s face and said, “Oh, Daddy, I wasn’t dreamin'!” Then she paused and asked, “Is Ellie with ya?”

  “She’s at Mammaw’s,” Daddy said. “I took her and Cory over there last night, then got up early this mornin' and rounded up the boys.”

  “Is Cory my baby brother?” Carnikko asked.

  “He sure is,” Daddy said, lowering Carnikko to the floor. “We’re goinꞌ to Mammaw’s later, so you can see him and hold him if you want to.”

  “Yeah, Daddy, I wanna hold him all day if Ellie will let me.”

  Daddy just smiled and headed for the kitchen, where he joined Uncle Carl for a cup of coffee.

  Carnikko looked at Don, who was sitting on the couch, looking unhappy. She walked over, sat beside him, and asked, “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay,” he said listlessly. “I just don’t understand why you and Lee get to stay with family, but I don’t.”

  “Well, ain’t the people ya live with good to ya?” Carnikko asked.

  “Yeah, they’re okay. I have plenty to eat. I have clothes, and I have a lot of friends in school, so I guess it isn’t too bad,” Don replied, his mood brightening slightly. “And I have to say that it was nice of them to let me come with Daddy this morning.”

  Carnikko noticed that Don was speaking differently than he used to. So was Lee. And Daddy for that matter. Daddy mixing Indiana and Kentucky talk.

  Daddy came into the living room and said, “Hey, boys, we need to get over to Mammaw’s. She’s dyinꞌ to see ya.” The boys pulled on their coats, hurried to his side, and he slipped his arm around their shoulders and led them to the front door. He looked over his shoulder and added, “Carnikko, we’ll see ya when y'all come over to Mammaw’s later, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy,” Carnikko said happily.

  As Daddy and the boys left, Carnikko was sure she was going to burst open with joy. She smiled broadly and called out, “Merry Christmas!”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  It was January 4, 1953, the second anniversary of Mama and Evan’s death. Carnikko walked outside, sat on the steps of the back porch, and gazed up toward the heavens.

  “Are ya up there, Mama?” she said softly. “Can ya see me? Can ya hear me? I miss ya so much. You’ve been gone so long that your face is beginnin' to fade from my memory. Please ask God if I can come visit you and Evan.”

  She dropped her head down onto her crossed arms and closed her eyes. Her mind traveled back to that awful day and the morning they left the old shack on their way to Canoe Cove to catch a Greyhound. They were a family struggling to survive, but they were together and loved each other. By dark that day, however, their lives changed forever.

  “It all happened so fast. Why?” she mumbled as tears ran down her cheeks. She’d asked that same question a thousand times, but she knew she’d never get an answer—at least not while she was still on earth.

  She had promised Mickey she’d play ball with him, but she wasn’t in a good mood and hoped Mickey would forget. She stood, went back inside and into the kitchen to watch Aunt Lou cook. After a few moments, she went into the living room, where Mickey was watching cartoons and Ikey was playing with his toy cars.

  She sighed, went to her bedroom, stretched out across the bed, closed her eyes, and daydreamed of how things would be when she grew up. She’d have diamonds, rubies, and pearls draped around her neck with earbobs to match. She’d have drawers full of nylons with seams up the back, and bottles of lilac perfume on top of the dresser.

  She rolled onto her back. It would be wonderful to be a grownup, be rich and live a lavish lifestyle. She only wished it didn’t have to take so long. She stayed in her bedroom for the rest of the day—lost in her fantasy would.

  At five o’clock, Aunt Lou announced it was time for supper. They gathered aroun
d the table and Uncle Carl said the blessing.

  Carnikko ate in silence, then went back to her bedroom. She longed for Purple Angel. Nine o’clock rolled around, but Purple Angel hadn’t come. Carnikko didn’t feel like going to school the next day, but she knew Aunt Lou would pitch a fit if she tried to pretend she was sick.

  But she really was sick. She was heartsick—but she knew that wouldn’t count to Aunt Lou.

  She took a bath, brushed her teeth, put on her flannel pajamas, and crawled into bed. She was about to doze off when she heard Aunt Lou and Uncle Carl talking in the room nextdoor. She slipped out of bed, tiptoed across the floor, and held her ear close to the wall that adjoined their bedrooms.

  She heard Aunt Lou say, “I don’t know what to do, Carl. We have another baby coming and it’s all we can do to take care of what we’ve got. We just can’t keep her.”

  Carnikko clamped her hand over her mouth. Aunt Lou is gonna get get rid of me?

  Uncle Carl said, “I know we’re strapped, but we can’t send her back to Ted.”

  Aunt Lou said sharply, “I wouldn’t send a dog to live with that lowlife!”

  “Well, what do you suggest?” Uncle Carl asked.

  Aunt Lou replied, “I’ve been talking to some people at church, and they told me about a Baptist home in eastern Kentucky that takes in orphans—and children who were abused by their parents.”

  A Baptist home? Carnikko thought. Has Aunt Lou lost her mind?

  “We could send her up there and she’d get a good Christian upbringing, learn solid values, and be trained to be a self-sufficient, responsible adult. It doesn’t cost anything. Baptist churches keep it going,” Aunt Lou said, sounding like a salesperson reading from a brochure.

  “Oh, Lou, I don’t know,” Uncle Carl said hesitantly.

  Filled with fear, she moved away from the wall, went back to her bed, stuck her fingers into her ears, and moaned, “No, no, no!”