Atonement (Love Undercover Book 3)

by LK Shaw

  It was times like these that the loneliness felt overwhelming. I stared around my empty living room. There weren’t any family photos. No picture of a girlfriend’s trip to the beach. In fact, my whole house seemed almost sterile. The closest friend I had was the giant fur ball sitting in my lap. Had it always been this quiet in here?

  The quiet had never bothered me before. Until now. Now that Preston had been inside my house. I’d been tempted to change my sheets this morning, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to lose his scent quite yet. God, how pitiful I was turning out to be.

  Seeing Brody yesterday had freaked me out. I’d see the disappointment in Preston’s eyes, and still, I couldn’t admit to something between us. Why was it so hard for me?

  Last night, I’d felt that deep, soul-awakening connection to him. I’d been lying there listening to him breathe, feeling his heartbeat under my hand on his chest. This was what I felt two years ago. The ever present heavy heart I usually experienced was gone. The one thing that was also gone...the guilt.

  And then I felt guilty that I’d stopped feeling guilty.

  Fuck. Twenty-one years of therapy and I was still just as fucked up now as I was as that thirteen-year-old girl.

  I wanted to be courageous. Not just for him, but for myself. And the only one who could change was me. Taking one last look around my living room, I made a decision. “Wish me luck, Sherbie.”

  I set him aside, grabbed my coat, and ran out the door. Snow had settled on the ground. And it was still beautiful. Magical. I practically ran the few blocks to the el. I hopped on the train, this weird buzzing sensation in my belly the closer I got. Finally, I arrived. My knuckles connected with the door, and then I opened it. Our eyes locked, and I closed us inside the office together.

  “Hi.”

  I didn’t move further into the room, unsure of my welcome.

  “What do you want, Landon?” Preston asked warily.

  His defeated tone and posture hurt my heart. I’d done that to him. Had he given up on us, on me, already? I wouldn’t blame him if he had.

  “I fucked up yesterday when Brody showed up.” I inhaled shakily. “I’m sorry. I hurt you, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.”

  He remained unmoved, but I kept going.

  “I should have said...something. Instead, I did what I always do. And I’m sorry.” I breathed a sigh of relief that I got it out. I hoped it was enough.

  Slowly, Preston rose and strode toward me. My eyes drank him in from his broad shoulders to his tapered waist. His ink stood out against his skin, and I pictured all of the other tattoos and marking across his entire body. My fingers itched to touch all of them again. He stopped less than an arm’s length away, and I had to tilt my head up to look into his eyes.

  “I know you’re trying. Yes, it hurt that after everything that was said between us, the minute my brother showed up, it was like none of it happened. But I can deal with that. I think having someone fight for you is something you’re not used to, and it’s freaking you out. That’s okay. You’ll get used to it. Because, Landon, I’m here to fight for you. You’re worth it.”

  Throughout his entire speech, my heart raced, and now it nearly burst out of chest. I swallowed hard, trying to form words.

  “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

  My forehead crinkled at the change of topic. “Um, okay.”

  Preston grabbed his coat off the rack near the door and ushered me down the hall and into the elevator. We stepped outside, and I shivered.

  “My car’s right over here.”

  He opened the door for me and then closed it once I was settled. Where was he taking me? My curiosity was killing me. I took in the neighborhood. This had been such a great area during my childhood. My mom had considered buying a house near here. Now, buildings were boarded up, graffiti was splattered over walls, and drug activity was on the rise. It was such a shame. It wasn’t long before we pulled into a parking garage and parked in a spot on the first level.

  Once again, Preston opened the door for me. Did other men still do this or was he just special? I couldn’t contain my curiosity any longer as we walked down the sidewalk.

  “Where are we going?”

  Our hands accidentally brushed against each other’s while we walked and it sent a spark racing up my arm. It was a long-ingrained habit to widen the distance between us, but I stopped myself. There was this newly awakened part of me that wanted to twine our fingers together.

  “You’ll see.”

  I narrowed my eyes at his cagey response, but he just smiled and winked at me. We walked several more blocks before we stopped at a door. I spotted the sign in front. Randolph Street Youth Recreation Center. I glanced at Preston who opened the door for me.

  It took several seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darkness inside the youth center after the bright sunshine of outside. The smell of sweat permeated the air and the sound of boisterous chaos and shoes squeaking and skidding across the wooden floor echoed around the entryway.

  “Hey, Mr. Preston,” a tall, gangly teenage boy greeted us, tripping over his feet as he came to a stop.

  “How you doing, Lucas? How’s that math class coming?”

  He was all smiles. “I got my grade up to a C. The tutor is actually explaining things in a way I can understand.”

  Preston fist bumped him. “That’s great, kid. Keep up the good work.”

  “I will. So, who’s your pretty lady friend?”

  A slight flush crept across my cheeks at the young boy’s stare.

  “This is my friend, Landon. Be nice to her. She’s a little shy.”

  I sent him a narrow-eyed look before turning back with a wide smile and extended my hand. “Hi, Lucas. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “You guys wanna come watch practice?” He bounced excitedly.

  “Of course.” Lucas took off and Preston laid his hand on my lower back, guiding me forward. Practice? I glanced around, curious what we were doing here. The humidity grew the closer we got to our destination. The thick air was enough to take my breath away. Close quarters and lots of sweaty kids was my guess. Lucas opened the door and the raucous shouts boomed loudly out into the foyer where we stood. In progress was a basketball game.

  “Come on, let’s go have a seat on the bleachers. The scrimmage should be over soon.”

  After we’d taken our seats I turned to him. “What are we doing here?”

  “This is where I volunteer. I wanted to introduce you to a couple friends of mine.”

  My eyes widened.

  “What?” Preston asked in response. “You don’t think I’d be a good mentor?”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s not that. It’s just a surprise.”

  Although, it shouldn’t be. Not after hearing his story. It actually made so much sense. He’d been alone after Brody went off to college and he ended up making poor choices that affected his future. Trying to help other kids not make the same choices he had was something I could absolutely see Preston doing.

  I looked out at the kids playing and back at him. “What exactly is it you do?”

  “It’s a little like a big brother program. I help them with their homework, or at least I try. I was never that great in school.” His laugh was a little self-deprecating. “I’ll take a couple of them out to the movies once in a while. I’m someone they can come to if they just need someone to talk to. Mostly, I try to keep them off the streets and out of trouble.”

  He was staring out at all the kids on the court, and I could see the pride in his eyes. I loved seeing this side of him. He was relaxed and in his element.

  “What made you decide to become a mentor?”

  His eyes took on this far away look. “Right before Brody and Ines left for Colorado, I got out of rehab. Again. For what felt like the millionth time. I left Pleasant Village, moved into a halfway house, and got a job with a construction company until I could get back on my feet. One day I was on my lunch break, and I s
aw these two kids over on the basketball court. They looked a few years apart in age, so I thought it was an older and younger brother taking a break from playing some one on one. Until I realized what was happening.”

  He paused, and I prompted him. “What happened?”

  “It was a drug deal. The smaller kid, Jesus, he didn’t look older than maybe twelve or thirteen. The older one was maybe nineteen or twenty. I took off running and they both scattered, but I caught up with the younger one.” He actually smiled. “That kid, Lucas, man, he made me work to catch him.”

  My mouth dropped. “Are you telling me that the Lucas I just met and yours are one and the same?”

  "Believe it.”

  “Oh my god. So, what happened?”

  “He and I talked. Got to know each other. We discovered we were a lot alike. Single moms who worked several jobs. He has an older sister, but she’s special needs. He was selling drugs to help his mom earn money.”

  “Wh—What? You’re telling me that Lucas, at twelve or thirteen, was the one dealing? That makes me both sad and furious. What did you do?”

  “I gave him a job.”

  A job? “Doing what?”

  He shrugged. “I paid him to run errands for me. Pick up my mail at the post office. Get a few groceries here and there. Anything I could think of that could help him earn some money. He wasn’t making nearly as much as he was dealing, but after we talked and I told him about my addiction, he decided it wasn’t worth the risk. He’s a smart kid.”

  I didn’t have words. It was so much to take in.

  “One day he asked if I would take him to a Cubs game. While we were there, it got me thinking. After I took him home, I made some calls, and, one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was suddenly signed up to be a mentor here.”

  “That’s incredible. When you first told me, I said I was surprised, but you know, I’m really not. You have such a huge heart. None of this surprises me at all. The only thing it does is make me more in awe of you.” I looked away. “And a little unworthy, if I’m being honest.”

  He lightly gripped my chin and turned my head back to face him. “Don’t you ever, not even for a fucking second, think that you’re not worthy of anything and everything. Because you are. And me? It’s just one more way for me to try and make up for all my sins. Of which there are so many.”

  Preston released me and we both went back to quietly watching the game. “Becoming a mentor for a bunch of teenagers was not ever something I saw myself doing. But I enjoy it. Some of them remind me of myself. I’d been so full of shit back then. Thought I knew it all. That I could conquer the world. Instead, the world fought back and kicked my ass.”

  “These kids are really lucky to have someone like you in their corner.”

  “I’m the lucky one.” He stared out over the court, watching the kids play. “There are days that the cravings creep up on me out of nowhere. I’ll come down here and hang out with the kids to remind myself that what I do is important. How can I be a role model for them if I’m pushing shit in my veins? I want to do things in my life that would have made my mother proud.”

  I clutched his hand tightly in mine. “I have no doubt she is.”

  Soon, the scrimmage wound down and several of the kids came over to say hi to Preston. It was clear they all adored him.

  “Come on, I’ll take you home. We need to talk anyway.”

  We headed outside and back toward the car.

  “That sounds ominous,” I said with a shaky laugh.

  “Not really. I got a call from Felipe yesterday morning while I was with Brody. The deal is set up for nine tonight. We’re meeting at the children’s park on Berkshire, south side, near the fountain. The good thing about the location is that it’s easily accessible from the street.”

  I tried picturing the area in my head, but details of the park were fuzzy, which I didn’t care for. This whole thing made me nervous. It was too cold for us to get there early and wait, which I’m sure was purposeful. But it made me feel better knowing that it also decreased the chances of any of the bad guys lying in wait too long either.

  “Hey. This isn’t a first drug deal for either of us. We’ve both been to plenty. You know how they work and things to watch for. It’s going to be fine.”

  I just wished we had more time to prepare. But I had to trust him to know what he was doing.

  We pulled in front of my house. I turned to Preston. “Thank you for taking me to meet your friends today. I enjoyed meeting them.”

  He smiled. “I’m glad.”

  Before I could stop myself, I leaned across the console, curled my hand behind his neck, and pressed my lips to his. I slicked my tongue against the seam, and he opened, pulling me inside. Every word I couldn’t say, every emotion I was afraid to feel, I put into that kiss. Out of breath, I pulled back. “Please be safe tonight. I don’t want to lose you.”

  Without waiting for a reply, I quickly jumped out of the car and raced into the safety of the house. My heart nearly thumped out of my chest. Every moment I spent with Preston made me forget why I shouldn’t.

  Chapter 18

  “Are you sure you’re ready?”

  I glared at my brother. “You’ve asked me that ten times now. I don’t understand why you guys are so worried.”

  “I don’t understand why you’re being so nonchalant. I get it. You’ve been doing this kind of thing for years. But you’re not infallible, Preston. No matter how much you think you are.” He ran his hands through his hair with a frustrated sigh. “You’re not alone anymore. There are people who care about you. When people care, they worry.”

  Brody was right. I wasn't intentionally being blasé about things. It was just how I coped. Things could go wrong. I was meeting Cruz, who was not a fan. The thing that most worried me was that, for the first time in over a year, I would be in possession of the very thing I’d spent nearly half my life craving. The very thing that was almost always calling to me. The very thing that I’d let have far too much power over me.

  “I know you all are worried, and I’m sorry you seem to think that I’m not. It’s just easier if I don’t think about anything but making the exchange and going on my way. Worrying makes a person nervous. And nervous people make mistakes." I shrugged into my coat and pulled my beanie over my head. “I’ll see you when this is over.”

  “Be careful.”

  I gave a quick nod of acknowledgement before exiting the car. The night air burned my lungs. I jogged down the sidewalk, my shoes leaving footprints behind me in the newly fallen snow. I had a couple hundred burning a hole in my pocket. I checked both directions before dashing across the street. Not that there was much traffic in this neighborhood at this time of night.

  It was nearly pitch black out here, with no streetlights on this side of the park. Any light that might filter through was cloaked by the cover of the tall pine trees that lined the perimeter of the street corner. The fountain was in a perfectly secluded location that, given better circumstance, might actually be a romantic spot for a picnic.

  An image of sitting on a blanket in the summer shade with Landon popped into my head. I pushed it away. I needed to focus on what I was doing. The fountain slowly came into view, and the entire area surrounding it was deserted. It didn’t surprise me. No doubt Cruz was close, and he was making sure I came alone.

  I stood there in the freezing cold with my hands shoved in my pockets and my collar tugged up as high as it would go and waited. I didn’t expect him to make me wait long. Just long enough to make me uncomfortable. I didn’t look around to see if I could spot Landon or the Rodriguez men. Instead, I merely bounced on my toes trying to stay warm.

  “Freezing my nutsack off out here,” I mumbled to no one.

  I couldn’t know the exact time, but it seemed like an eternity had passed. Still, no one showed. Was this some sort of test? This whole cloak and dagger shit was getting old. If this was what it took to get confirmation, then I was on the verge of sayi
ng fuck it. I was going to assume Felipe was our guy and start surveillance on him anyway.

  “I see you’re still here,” a voice called out just before Cruz stepped into view.

  “You’re lucky I am. It’s fucking freezing out here. I was about ready to leave and let you explain to your boss why you're a couple of Benjamins short.”

  He sent me a look of pure hatred. “I don’t like you.”

  I snorted. “Who the fuck cares?”

  “More importantly,” Cruz continued with a sneer, ignoring me completely. “I don’t trust you. You stink of the cops. Their stench is all over you.”

  "Do you have my shit or not? I'm cold, and I'm ready to get the fuck out of here. I don't have time for your paranoia."

  “Hold your arms out to your sides and spread your legs.”

  “Is this the part where you feel me up?” I smirked at Cruz.

  “Shut your fucking mouth and do what I said, or we’re going to have a problem.”

  I barely managed to stop my eye roll. Felipe sure knew how to pick ’em. My feet separated, and I raised my arms out. He patted nearly every inch of me down.

  “Are you satisfied? Because I’m pretty sure you missed my junk.”

  “Let’s just get this over with.”

  “Fine by me.” I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the bills. Held between my first two fingers, I flipped them out toward Cruz. He snatched them out of my hand. Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a medium sized bag that even in the waning moonlight I could tell was filled with white powder. I couldn’t spot the familiar purple wing shaped marking on it though. I held my palm out and just before he reached my fingertips, he dropped it on the ground.

  “Oops.”

  Dick. I bent down and picked it up, my ears perked up for any sound of movement, but Cruz remained where he was.

  “Pleasure doing business with you.” I’d gotten what I’d come for.

  Now it was time to get out of here and meet up with the team. I hadn’t taken two steps before Cruz’s voice stopped me. “I’m going to find out your secrets. And when I do, I’m going to kill you.”