Mine to Fear

by Janeal Falor

  Tawny walks out of the cave and comes straight toward me. “The people are just trying to get used to us still.”

  And how much more will we have to do for them before they are used to us? “Maybe. But I think the people would be happier without me.”

  “They're just still getting accustomed to having both an Envadi and a woman be as strong yet caring as you are.”

  “As we are.” For she's just as strong, if not stronger than I am. She just knows how to make her strength apparent in the background of things while I run headlong into idiocy. How am I supposed to get them accustomed to it? It's not as if we have time. Every day Zade and Daniel are gone from us is another day their lives are in jeopardy.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  A few days after everyone is settled and assigned their tasks, I take Cynthia and Chadwick to try to get more information on Zade and Daniel. And if possible, to help them escape. That's what I really want. What I ache for. I miss my brother more than I thought possible. And it is an excuse to get me away from people who hate the sight of me.

  I don't tell Serena or Annabelle how badly I want to be able to help them escape, only that we'd get her more information. They both take it so bravely, but it's easy to tell by the look in their eyes they're both hurting.

  I always thought Zade's property and house were huge, but even in the dark, the Grand Chancellor's makes Zade's look like a playhouse for children. There are at least four floors with towers at each corner, all of it made of some type of white stone.

  Not only is it huge, but it's lit up like a load of fireworks. To think he's doing that with lower class women and warlocks who owe debts makes me want to go hex all his lights out.

  It's disgusting. Even the Queen doesn't have so much property, and she has the staff living with her, plus half of court. How does one person become so obsessed with themselves?

  “How could we get in?” I whisper.

  “To that lit up monstrosity?” Cynthia says, “Who knows. It might be better to go during the day with how bright it is.”

  “But then we have to fight the lights of day as well,” I say.

  “And it's likely guarded with spells and not just people,” Chadwick adds. “Especially the dungeon. Just look at the colors we can see and think of all that we can't see.”

  “Just standing here is making me nervous,” Cynthia says.

  “What do you think, Bethany?” I ask.

  “There's someone coming,” is her reply.

  We all bunch down further, hiding in the forest close to his property.

  “Who is it?” Cynthia whispers.

  “Quiet,” Chadwick replies.

  Whoever it is, is coming closer. No, not just closer, straight for us. Do we hex whoever it is or do we run? There's nowhere to run to. Anything we do will get us caught. I reach out my hand to send a hex his way.

  “Wait.” Bethany yanks my hand down. “It's Nathaniel.”

  “What?” I ask.

  “The Grand Chancellor's son.”

  I knew that, but knowing it and having it make sense are two different things. Despite knowing that he's one of the people that stuck up for Serena, I still want to hex him. He may have been spelled to take those women's magic from before the tournament, but I still remember what it did to Cynthia. Watching her almost crushed under his power. A power he still carries.

  I put my hand back up, but Bethany pulls it back and whispers, “You guys stay down.”

  Then she does the stupidest thing ever. She stands.

  “Bethany,” Nathaniel exclaims. “What are you doing here?”

  “Just thought I'd look around the area.”

  “You have to go. It’s not safe.”

  I stand. “Why not?”

  “Shesh. How many of you are there?”

  Like I'm going to admit that. Before Bethany can answer, I say, “Enough.”

  He glances at me out of the corner of his eye and then turns back to Bethany. “There's very little time before they will come out as well. You're here for Zade and Daniel, aren't you?”

  Bethany and I give each other a look. I say, “What if we are?”

  “You can't break them out. The spells my Father has guarding this place are too intense for even an army.”

  I want to collapse to the ground. That can't be it. “There has to be something we can do.”

  “Not that I know of right now, but I promise you I will do what I can to help you.”

  “You will?” Bethany's voice is so hopeful, but I have my doubts.

  “How?”

  “I don't know yet, but we'll figure something out. If there's somewhere I can meet you in two days, we'll have time to discuss things then.”

  Is this a trap? “I don't know.”

  Serena jumps up, “We'll do it.”

  “Good. There's a big rock about a mile east of here in the forest. Meet me there.”

  “How'd you know we were here?” Bethany says.

  “You're not the first people to try and break someone out of here, you know. Father put me on guard duty after the way everything turned out at the tournament.”

  “Lucky us,” Bethany says.

  “You guys have to go. Now.”

  “We'll see you soon.”

  I drag Bethany with me as Serena takes off. The boys follow behind us, seemingly not worried about showing their presence now. As soon as we're out of danger, I ask Bethany, “How do you know Nathaniel?”

  “I've talked with him at Serena's ball and several times at the tournament.”

  “Must have been some good talks if you already trust him so much.”

  She shrugs. “Sometimes you just know when a person is trustworthy.”

  ***

  I don't say anything when we return to our hideout. Neither do Cynthia or Chadwick. But Serena goes straight to Annabelle. Neither is seen for the rest of the evening.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  We wait for Nathaniel at the rock he told us about. It's bigger than I am so it’s not easily missed. We're early of course. We're all too anxious to be anything but. I just hope that he really isn't turning us in. Of course, if he were doing that, he could have gone ahead and done that two days ago when we were at his house. Bethany seems to trust him. That will have to be enough.

  There's a crinkling of leaves. I put my hands up, ready to hex whoever it is if it turns out to be a trap. It's just him. I put my hands down, though they tingle to stay up and on guard.

  “You made it,” Bethany says.

  “Of course.”

  “What can you tell us? How are Zade and Daniel?” I practically shout.

  His mouth tightens. “They're alive.”

  Part of me is instantly relieved, but the other part of me fears where this is going.

  “Yet…” Serena says, voice trepid.

  He shakes his head. “The most important thing is that they’re alive. Father isn't kind at all, but they're both strong, and I'm doing what I can without Father becoming suspicious.”

  Bethany puts a hand on his arm. “We appreciate that.”

  “Do you speak with them?” Serena says.

  “Not often.”

  “Next time you do, if you can, would you tell them we love them?” Her voice is so small, but my heart feels even smaller.

  “There's a spell around them to keep track of everything they say.” At my gasp, he continues, “Don't worry, I warned them about it. I can write messages down to show to them, but only if no one else is around. I will try my best to get the message to Daniel and Zade. It would raise their spirits.”

  Mine, though, feel lowered. There's a lot he's not telling us. At least Zade is alive. For now, that will have to be enough.

  “What can you tell us about the Grand Chancellor's plans?” I ask.

  “What do you know?”

  We spend several minutes exchanging information on what we do know. On how the Grand Chancellor brought both Chancellor Ryan back and made Stephen a Chancellor. How he'
s using people as a power source. And on how he plans on using the tournament as a big display of power. All things we already knew.

  “That's as much as I know,” Nathaniel says.

  I can't help but feel blue at this. Don't know what I was expecting but something more. Anything.

  “So there's nothing you can do,” Serena says, sounding more bitter than I've ever heard her before.

  “Now, not as much as I'd like,” he responds. “But I want him out of power as much as you do. He's an evil, vile man. We'll keep in contact, and I'll gather as much information as I can.”

  “Then we'll have to hope you stay safe while finding something useful for us,” Bethany says.

  We exchange information on the next time to meet. And though we know a little more than we did before, I can't help but think of Zade locked in the Grand Chancellor's basement going through things so horrid, Nathaniel wouldn't even speak of them.

  ***

  There's no telling if we can rescue Zade and the others or not. After everything we've tried, it feels hopeless. We didn't even come close, and all we gained for our trouble was almost getting caught. It's not just Zade and the others’ failed rescue that's the problem, but there's so many people here that now want change, yet nothing is happening.

  As time goes on, things feel even more hopeless. We can't come up with any new plan to save Zade and Daniel. The longer they're imprisoned, the more I lose faith we'll ever save them. And what must they be going through? I don't want to even imagine.

  What's more, our hidden group grows and grows every day. We can't stay hidden for long. There's one thing I notice, though.

  Where are all the tarnished?

  These people had to come from homes with servants, places where tarnished were needed. Not all of them had tarnished, I'm sure of it. Annabelle had a few herself. So where are they all now? Don't they need help as well? Or has the Grand Chancellor managed to capture them all? Most of them do have those tracking spells that are now mandatory for all of them. I have to talk to Katherine. To find out what's happening with them as well.

  I send her a spelled note, hoping it reaches her. I miss her sorely and worry over her. How is she surviving without Zade to help hide her? If she would answer my notes and meet me in person, I'd be able to help at least a little. Though without having insight into exactly what Chancellor Ryan is having their tattoos spelled what color next, it's much more difficult to ascertain how to help. There has to be something I can do, though. If only she would contact me.

  After all this time in the cave, there hasn't been much of a chance to talk. Cynthia, Serena, and I go out to pick berries. Or really, to talk without being overheard. The cave isn't the most private of places to talk. The morning is deceptively bright for the chill in the air. Still, I manage to talk about a lot until I finally overload on my frustration of this war.

  “We're all doing as much as we can to influence them for good, to get them to see more in life, but I don't know. There’s no telling if our efforts will make a difference.” I voice my frustration to Serena and Cynthia.

  “It's true,” Cynthia says. “It feels like fighting against a wall spell, except I don't know how to break through it.”

  Serena says, “Things have to change. Warlocks have to change. Women have to change. The new system has to change. And they're already doing so. The Grand Chancellor needs to feel the consequences of what he's turned this society into. I will do whatever it takes to help bring these people down. Even if I have to use a spell to do it.”

  My spirits lift with each word she says. I've never been more proud of the journey she's made more than at this moment. “I guess it's time to see if we can get those who've come to us to help do something about it.”

  “I think you're right,” Cynthia says.

  It will be a big job, though, one I'm not sure we can do despite all of Serena's strong words. But we have to at least try.

  “They will come around,” Cynthia says. “I know they will.”

  “They do seem to trust you two,” I say. And Jack. They trust him the most out of everyone. “I think we need to have Jack be a part of this. They trust him.”

  Cynthia and Serena both agree. Serena's mouth tightens, and she blinks rapidly.

  “What is it?” Cynthia says.

  “This isn't just about trying to help those who've come here. As good as that is, there's something that may not be as big as trying to change a whole society's perspective, but still something important. Someone important.”

  “I want him back, too.” She sniffs, and my own eyes tear in response, but I don't let them flow out. “We'll just have to hope he can last through whatever it is they're putting him through, that he can make through it until we can figure a way to save him. Because we will save him.”

  Though I don't mention that the possibility of him still being sane is slim. Even if he is still sane, how scarred will he be? Will he be so damaged he won't want anything anymore? She knows this, probably even better than I do. My brother, who he was, is most likely gone from us forever.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  As I sit in the kitchen with little Ben strapped to me with a length of cloth, I tell myself I can do this. I've asked for help before. This is no different.

  Who am I kidding? It's totally different. Asking for help for something small like organizing a ball or learning a new spell is entirely different than asking about overthrowing the most powerful man in the country.

  No matter. Whether hard or not, it needs to be done, and Jack is the one who's become most like a leader in the short time our group has been together. If I want to convince them, he is the key. Too bad we got off on such a horrid start. Things have been better between us, though. Just not sure if better is good enough to convince him this is a good idea or not. It will all depend on how much he's really changed.

  When I find him, he's shelling peas, so I sit next to him and help without saying a word. Ben, for once, stays nice and asleep as I assist. It's an activity I usually find relaxing, but nothing is relaxing about it today.

  How does one bring up how they want to start a rebellion? Zade would be so much better at this than I. Or Chadwick for that matter. Maybe if I had joined their lessons on how to be a good spy I would be too. So much for all the frivolous things I learned. Who cares about pretty nails? I can't even remember the last time I spelled mine.

  “Is there something you wanted?” Jack snips.

  “Why would you say that?”

  “Never before have you worked in the kitchen with me without being asked. Plus you keep scrunching your eyebrows together, making this tiny line between them.”

  I suppose I am being really weird. “Can we go for a walk?”

  Phyllis gives me the eye. No matter. Their thoughts don't matter yet, only Jack's. If I can get his, the rest will come. Hopefully.

  “Something serious?”

  “Isn't everything serious here?”

  His eyebrows twitch as if to say touché. After putting down the peas and cleaning up the shells, he says to the others, “We'll be back in a while.”

  I follow him through the maze of caves out into to the open where the fresh air brightens everything.

  “So, what is it?” he asks.

  Despite the change of scenery and lack of eavesdroppers, I can't bring myself to just say it. But there is something else I can say. That I need to say. “I'm sorry about how things started with us.”

  “That's what this is about?”

  I round on him, Ben stirring as I do so, hands fisted on my hips. “You can't even be nice when I'm trying to apologize. What is your problem?”

  He does the strangest thing, at least for him. He smiles. “Forgive me. I didn't mean to sound so brash. It just didn't match my expectations of what you wanted.”

  “Oh, well.” I drop my arms to my sides. “What were you expecting?”

  “That you wanted something. I don't know what, but some type of favor from me.”


  Only a favor valued in lives. “There is something.”

  He smirks.

  “No need to look like that,” I say. “It wasn't too hard to figure.”

  The smirk leaves, replaced with an expression I can't read. “No, it wasn't hard to decipher at all. You though, you are much more difficult to discern.”

  Something lovely flutters through me. “Only if you try and read too much into things.”

  “It's how I was raised. To be aware of everything and what it means. To become a councilman.”

  “You were being groomed to be a councilman?” With his attitude when I met him, I shouldn't be surprised, but with his station, it seems like a lofty goal.

  “I know what you're thinking. I am—was a servant. How could I be a councilman? It wasn't always this way, though. Several years ago, my father was wealthy and about to become wealthier,” he says. “But things change.”

  “How did they change?”

  “My father got deeply in debt. Councilman Daniel found me and said I could work for him and he'd treat me fairly. His offer was the most generous I received.”

  Daniel and Annabelle are most giving. “What happened to your father?”

  Jack shrugs. “The mighty has fallen.”

  “He's working off his debt as well?” I guess. Ben stirs so I begin rocking back and forth to calm him.

  A nod is the only response I get.

  “This isn't where I meant our chat to go.” I sigh. “Look, I'm sorry. Even though I've spent a lot of time in Chardonia now, I'm still not used to the way men treat women. You've proven over the last while that you aren't like the others.” Though I'm still not sure that means, he's ready to help us gain freedom. “I just wanted you to understand there was a different way to do things. I shouldn't have lashed out at you.”