Pride and Joy

by M. L. Rice

  “Honey, our beliefs—”

  Bryce huffed out a humorless laugh. “I can’t believe that this is the first time you’ve spoken to me in years and we’re picking up the same damn conversation right where we left off. This is ridiculous, offensive, and I honestly don’t think I can handle it right now.”

  Tears fell down her mother’s face. “Honey, I’m here now. Your commander called to let us know what had happened to you, and I thanked God for the opportunity to make things right between us.”

  “You thanked God that I was almost killed and my career in the Coast Guard is most likely over,” Bryce deadpanned.

  “I don’t mean it like that and you know it. I think this horrible thing happening to you may be the answer to our prayers, if only we use it for good.”

  Bryce squeezed her eyes shut. She knew she shouldn’t say all of the things she wanted to say right now. Her mother was obviously trying to repair their relationship and make up for her past mistakes, if only in her hurtful and misguided way. As much as it pained Bryce to admit it, part of her wanted their closeness back too, and if her mother could take a step that was obviously difficult for her, then surely she could at least use some of the courage that had been instilled in her at the academy to give it a shot as well.

  Truce, she thought, sighing deeply. “Okay. Okay. I don’t want to fight, Mom. Not anymore… It’s good to see you.” She paused, then forced out, “I’m…glad you came.”

  Her mother broke down sobbing again and gingerly took Bryce’s hand. It wasn’t the embrace Bryce craved, but they had to start somewhere.

  *

  For the next few days her mother stayed by her side, just like she had when Bryce had gotten the flu in kindergarten or the chicken pox in third grade. She finally had her mom back. Maybe there was some good to come out of the accident after all. Bryce latched on to this thought because dwelling on her ruined career, face, and leg just depressed her.

  They had plenty of time to talk, so Bryce caught her mother up on her life up until that point. Winning top awards on the Coast Guard Academy swim team, sailing the academy’s tall ship, the Barque Eagle, to Europe during her Summer Training Cruise, graduating with honors, going through boarding team training, and the rigors, boredom, and excitement of day-to-day life aboard a Coast Guard cutter. She even described the awful accident, what she could remember of it or what had been told to her. Her mother still acted uncomfortable around her, but Bryce expected nothing less after their painful separation.

  It was nice having her there as Bryce spent more and more time out of bed too, gingerly testing out her crutches and trying her best to get some semblance of exercise despite the pain in her ribs, leg, and arm. Her mom encouraged her as best as she could, continuously quoting Bible verses she felt would inspire her daughter. Still, it was better than going through everything alone.

  *

  “Today’s the day. Ready?” The doctor had the surgical scissors and metal tray prepped.

  Bryce attempted a smile. “Not really, no. I guess I have to look at some point, though, huh?” She glanced over at her mother, who wore a stoic expression. Neither one of them had seen how her face looked under the bandages when they were cleaned and changed. Now was the time that the bandage would come off for good.

  The doctor smiled kindly. “It’s been healing beautifully. I mean, for as deep and jagged as that cut was, I’m really pleased with how it’s turning out.”

  “It’s still going to be really noticeable, though, isn’t it?”

  She nodded, but said, “Lieutenant, I unfortunately have to see some really major trauma in my job. There really are a lot worse things that could have happened.”

  Bryce felt ashamed. She knew she was lucky to be alive. How could pride be getting the better of her?

  “And you know,” the doctor continued, “it sounds cheesy, but scars tell a story. They prove that you’ve been somewhere. Done something. In time it will become just another part of the story of your life.”

  “You’re right.”

  “See?” The doctor beamed.

  “That does sound cheesy.” Bryce smiled and they both laughed. It helped to take the edge off of the nervousness she felt. “Ready, Mom?”

  She nodded silently and the doctor slowly cut the bandages from the left side of her face. Before looking in the mirror that the doctor then held out to her, she looked at her mother.

  She wished she hadn’t.

  Bryce could tell she was trying to hide her shock, but it wasn’t working.

  “Wonderful,” Bryce said.

  “N-no! Honey, it’s not that bad!”

  Bryce held up the mirror to look for herself.

  The jagged scar ran from her hairline through the edge of her left eyebrow and all the way down to her jawline. The skin around the stitches was red and puckered, and the whole left side of her face looked swollen. Her left eye also had an asymmetrical droop where the skin was beginning to heal and come back together.

  It was so much worse than she had feared.

  Bryce’s stomach dropped to her feet. Yes, she had been beautiful and yes, she had known it despite being far from narcissistic, but seeing her pretty features scarred like this was more of a blow to her ego than she had expected.

  No one would find her attractive now. She regretted always having an excuse to delay finding love.

  She looked to her mother. It was Mom’s job to console her, to tell her she was still beautiful, to make her feel better about herself.

  But she didn’t say anything. She just smiled halfheartedly and patted her shoulder.

  “Thank you, Doctor,” she said and forced a smile, the pull of the stitches painfully obvious.

  As the doctor explained how to care for the wound and smaller bandages Bryce drifted into a dismayed trance, only nodding when she felt it was appropriate to do so.

  Eventually, when it was obvious that she wasn’t in the mood for discussion, both the doctor and her mother left her alone in the room.

  Poisonous thoughts began to fester in her mind despite her recent progress in coming to terms with her leg and other injuries. She was losing her tenuous grip on the optimism she had desperately fostered in the previous weeks. It was too much to handle.

  No. She couldn’t lose it now. This wasn’t her. She was strong.

  Just please, if anyone’s listening, give me something to hold on to.

  *

  Her mother had been with her for seven days when Bryce finally started the conversation she had been dreading. She raised her hospital bed so that she was in a sitting position and then stated, “Mom, I get to leave the hospital in a few days.”

  Her mother nodded. “I heard the doctor talking to you about it. I’m glad you’re finally getting out of here. I bet you’re tired of it.”

  Bryce smiled. “You could say that.”

  “Will you be able to go back to work?”

  She shook her head as the familiar unease caused an uncomfortable fluttering in her stomach. “Technically I’m on temporary retirement right now. I’ll be on crutches with this cast for at least two or three more months, so I’ve rented a small furnished apartment across from the VA hospital where I’ll be doing my physical therapy. In sixteen months or so I’ll have to be evaluated by a medical board to see if I’m able to return to duty again. If not…” She paused. The thought scared the hell out of her. “Well, I’m still going to find something more permanent here.”

  “You’re going to stay in Seattle?”

  “Yeah, I think so. I like it here. I miss the Texas sun, but I’ve grown accustomed to this area. It’s the prettiest place I’ve ever seen. You just can’t beat the trees and the ocean out here.” She turned her gaze toward the window even though she knew she could only see sky. “Anyway, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m really glad you came up to see me, but I know that you can’t stay with me much longer. I’m sure Dad misses you too.” Bryce paused for a moment and plucked at the blanket c
overing her legs. “I wanted to ask you about your plans when I leave the hospital.”

  “My plans?”

  Shifting uncomfortably Bryce said, “Well, I mean, plans for us.”

  Her mom gave a quizzical tilt of her head.

  Bryce took a steadying breath. The moment of truth. “You guys cut me off for six years. You can’t expect everything to go back to normal overnight. So…what I want to know is…will I see you again after you go back to Saltus?”

  Her mother paused and looked at her hands folded in her lap. “Bryce, I came out to see you because your father and I still love you, despite all that happened. Despite what you did. I know we were severe with your…situation…and believe me, it tore us up inside. But the last six years have been miserable.” Bryce saw tears glistening in her mother’s eyes when she finally looked at her. “Things could have been so different if you hadn’t—”

  Bryce interjected, “Oh, please. You don’t think things were five million times harder for me? Forced to face crazy brainwashing zealots? Being made to feel like I was a disgusting monster? Disowned and left to fend for myself right when I needed you most? And please don’t tell me you still think this is all my fault.”

  With tightened features and a hint of irritation in her voice, her mother continued, “You brought it on yourself, Bryce, with your insistence on going against God and nature.”

  Bryce’s skin prickled and she placed her hands over her face. “Oh my God.”

  “Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain.”

  It was going to happen all over again, whether she wanted it to or not. All the progress they had made in the last week was about to be washed away. It felt like her foot had just slipped off one of a ship’s spars that reached out over the sea and she had forgotten to clip on her safety harness. She was going to fall, the damage irrevocable. And there was nothing she could do about it. “I thought we had gotten past this, Mom. You do realize that we will not be able to have any kind of real relationship if you continue to hate me for what I am.”

  “I don’t hate you, Bryce.” Her mother made an exasperated noise as she stood and walked over to the window. She stared at the raindrops hitting the glass for at least a minute before she finally said, “I hate that your friends, or that Leah girl, or the liberal media, or whatever evil thing…I hate whatever has made you think that you’re a homosexual!”

  Bryce stared across the room at her mother, wide-eyed. How could she have thought that all of these years apart had changed her parents? They would never accept her. She was corrupted forever in their eyes.

  Her mother approached Bryce’s bed again and continued, “That’s why your father and I decided that I should come out to see you! Your accident was no accident, honey!”

  Bryce could only continue to stare at her mother with growing dismay.

  “Sweetheart, God put you in this situation so that you could see the error of your ways. He’s punishing you for your unnatural thoughts. Don’t you see?” Bryce flinched as her mother gently grasped her arm. “He has brought us back together. We have a second chance. You have a second chance. You can come back home to us and we can work together on saving you. I’m sure that there are great jobs waiting for you in Saltus now that the Coast Guard can’t use you anymore. Everyone there loves a veteran.” Her mother’s tone was more hopeful now. “I know you probably can’t see it now, honey, but this is the best thing that could have happened to you. God has given you a wake-up call and now you can start atoning for your sins. And we want you to know that your father and I will be here for your battle every step of the way. We won’t let this defeat you. We see now that letting you go the way we did was wrong. We thought it would help. Make you realize the consequences of your actions. But now we know that you won’t get well if you have to do it alone.”

  It didn’t matter to her mother that she wasn’t currently in a lesbian relationship. It didn’t matter that she was a highly successful Coast Guard officer risking her life, serving her country, and saving lives every day. It didn’t matter that she was her parents’ only child. She was broken in her mother’s eyes. Bryce now understood that she would never be able to foster a relationship with her parents. Not now that she knew how easily they could discard her based on nothing more than her body’s emotional and biological reactions. She had been deluding herself about her mother coming around to any compassionate way of thinking. Still, even though she had known to expect it, her mother’s words cut deeply. So painfully and raggedly that Bryce felt something inside her break. Actually, she felt many parts of herself break at once. Her heart, her self-confidence, her tenuous hold on optimism. For the first time since her accident she felt the full weight of her situation. She felt every bruise, every broken bone, every damaged nerve, every opportunity she was about to miss, every single loss she had ever and would ever have.

  Bryce’s eyes glazed over and the only words she could bring herself to say were “Know that I will always love you and Dad. Good-bye, Mom.”

  “Bryce?” Her mother’s smile fell and a worried frown creased the lines around her mouth.

  Bryce closed her eyes and turned her head away from the woman who had given her life.

  Her mother’s voice morphed from worry to anger. “Bryce Lee Montgomery, God has given you a gift. You will not squander it! All you have to do is admit your sin and take him back into your heart. Don’t let this beat you!”

  Bryce was done fighting. All of her strength had disappeared and she saw no point in anything anymore. She wouldn’t argue with her mother. She would do nothing but lie in her bed and be the pawn in the chess game that the universe felt like playing with her. She felt detached.

  Her mother tried begging. “Please don’t do this, Bryce. You need us. What do you have now? You’re scarred, your leg is useless, and you have no one. No one except us and the Heavenly Father. We’re here for you now, but if you turn your back on us, you’ll be lost forever. I won’t let that happen.”

  Bryce let her mind float away from her damaged body and out into nothingness. Every word her mother spoke only had the unintentional effect of breaking her spirit even more. Her soul was wounded and her mom poured salt into it with every cruel word.

  Her mother’s words grew loud and forceful, but Bryce didn’t hear their meaning. She barely even noticed when the pleading subsided and her mother stormed out of the room.

  A few minutes…or a long time later, she wasn’t sure which, she heard the door open again.

  “Lieutenant Montgomery?”

  She opened her eyes, but didn’t say anything. Her nurse stood by the bed.

  “I just wanted to let you know that your mother has been escorted out of the building and has been placed on a list that bars her entrance to the hospital for security reasons.”

  “What?” Bryce asked, startled.

  “Apparently she tried to force her way into the hospital chaplain’s office. We don’t know why.”

  “Oh…”

  The nurse’s eyes flickered with sympathy but she held her bearing, even as her voice softened. “If you would like to override this order, just let us know. However, she won’t be allowed to visit you without staff supervision from now on.” The nurse paused, studying her face. “Would you like for her to be allowed back inside in a little while?”

  It was one of the hardest things Bryce would ever do, but she shook her head slightly. With that one move she broke ties with her parents for good. She had tried to be a good daughter, to be a beneficial and worthwhile person, but clearly they would never be able to see that. Even if she did return home, she would practically have to hide in the shadows, never revealing her true self to her parents or any of their friends for fear of their judgment and hateful words.

  She was alone now.

  Loved only by her three best friends.

  Unwanted by anyone else.

  Unable to continue the career she had planned on having. Broken, scarred, and finally defeated.

  Chapte
r Sixteen

  Bryce hobbled up the ramp of the physical therapy building at the VA, her crutches clicking with each step. Her cast had only been off for ten days and her leg felt tender, stiff, and fragile, even in the temporary brace. She was only four days into her physical therapy and it consisted mainly of reminding her leg that it had the ability to bend. She was forced to put only a slight amount of weight on it. It hurt like hell and she would probably have to use her crutches for another month or so before she could graduate to a cane.

  Moodiness she had grown accustomed to descended on her yet again. She still had several months before she could be evaluated by the Coast Guard medical board, and her bad attitude wasn’t going to help her get to where she needed to be by that time. She couldn’t help it. In the months since she had last spoken with her mother she couldn’t seem to shake the dread, depression, and hopelessness she had fought so bravely before their second falling-out.

  She checked in at the front desk and was sent to a different part of the building this time. As she approached wide double doors, a familiar smell hit her and the corner of her mouth drew up in an unexpected smile. Chlorine. The scent brought back memories of growing up, of high school, of competing, of summer, and of her friends. She pushed one of the doors open with her crutch and her smile broadened as sunbeams from the skylights danced on the surface of an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

  “Lieutenant Montgomery. Welcome to your first pool session!”

  Bryce’s therapist was a graying ex-football player and ex-Marine whose ebony skin was marred by several small burn scars, as if he had been on the wrong end of shrapnel in his younger years. His name was Thomas, and he turned out to be the most unforgiving, the toughest, and the most respectable man Bryce had ever met. She had only been with him since the beginning of the week, but by the end of each session she had been on the verge of tears. He had an aura about him that made her want to push herself to her absolute limits, and he had made sure to give her the shove she needed. She was always exhausted and in tremendous amounts of pain by the time she left him, but his proud smile had left her wanting to do it all over again.