by Unknown
“Oh, God…Please”
I can feel his lips curling against my skin
“Please what?”
“Just…Oh” I don’t even manage to finish my plea as a wave of feelings assault me when his mouth settles on my breast and his fingers find my wetness .My hands in his hair, I drag his face to mine and I kiss him .He doesn’t waste any time as he settles himself between my legs .I can feel him hard and throbbing .Our breaths are erratic.
“I don’t have a condom” he says, searching my eyes for a solution for what we both need so much.
“I…I’m on the pill, but…”
“I’m clean, I promise, I got checked recently, besides, I’ve never done it without a condom”
“Koi nod, and I relish this small victory feeling a little bit special, knowing that he’s never been with anyone like this.” I hear him groan as he slowly enters me. Here, like this, in this moment, he is mine and I am his, and I feel complete.
***
It feels so good being like this, bathing in the sunlight, with no care in the world. Everything is so peaceful, including my soul. These last few weeks have shown me that life can still go on, and that I can still be happy. I realize now what I was missing. What cured my never ending sorrow? Love. I look to my right and see Aiden scribbling something in his notepad. This has peaked my interest. He is too intent in whatever he is doing to notice my approach.
“What are you doing?” I ask, startling him .He swiftly turns his notepad upside down.
“What is that? “I say pointing to the notepad
“Stuff…” he says trying to sound nonchalant.
“Liar” I chuckle and try to snatch it. He catches my hand midair and wrestles me to the ground. His hands are everywhere and I can’t stop laughing. “Stop. Tickling .Me”
I raise my head and my lips meet his in a searing kiss. I take advantage of his lack of attentions and take the notepad. After finally getting my hands on it I run. This is too much fun. When I am several feet away from him I flip the pages only to find about ten different portraits. All of me. I am truly rendered speechless. What I first notice is that he is indeed talented. He’s captured every detail perfectly. But what makes my eyes fill with tears is the emotion they convey
“This…This is really beautiful “I say raising my gaze to meet his. He is a bit flustered, although I find nothing to be embarrassed about. He snatches the notepad from my hands but Aim still too dumbfounded to process.
“It’s silly “he says grumpily.
“No... Far from it. This is perfect. I love it. I love you…” I say as I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.
“Oh God, This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And you know why?”
He shakes his head and I continue.
“Because I can see myself through your eyes. And… I am beautiful “
He closes the distance between us and sweeps me into his arms “You are, princess, you are! You are the most beautiful to me. Never forget that “
He is my safe haven. I feel safe, cherished and above all loved. At that moment I realize what he really means to me and that no one will ever be able to replace him in my heart.
Chapter 12
One week later
This past week, I feel like I have been living on a cloud; but, still, I know better than take things for granted. I am living an illusion, yet I can’t bring myself to break free. This illusion provides me with everything I have been longing for so long; Love, Attention. Finally, I seem to matter to someone and even though it is my own mind that conjures these feelings, I would rather have this than nothing. In this alternate universe I try to build inside my head , my mother has never given up on me , my father is still alive ; my cousin hasn’t stolen my life and Aiden sees only me . But sometimes reality catches up with me and reminds me that I have none. My mother sees me as a failure and never passes the opportunity of pointing it out, my father remains gone and even though my cousin is dead as well, some things just can’t be fixed. And then there is Aiden. I know deep down that he sees me only as a substitute. He takes what I give freely, without even realizing that little by little he’s taking me whole. I cherish this illusion because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. It helps me in my mission to assure myself that I am not that complete failure. I am not just a shadow waiting to be seen. I am actually the leading role in my life for once.
Sarah has just been discharged and we can finally head home. If I have a place I can call home. Somewhere deep down, I am afraid. I am afraid because I know that once we leave this place this will be all over. Is it so selfish of me to ask for this? Is it too much to hope those maybes I deserve some love? Well, life definitely has a way of showing me just how unworthy I am. I have had a week in which I have known all that is to know about love and sharing your body and soul with a person, even if it was one sided, it is a memory I shall treasure forever. It will be my safe haven.
“We are here.” Aiden interrupts me from my reverie.
“Oh”
Aiden gets out of the car and helps me with the luggage. Once he is done he kisses my cheek and says goodbye. I am pretty much sure that things between us are over, but I don’t want yet to process this. Sarah is staying at her parent’s house for the time , meaning I will be quite lonely .She still has a few bruises and cuts and isn’t yet fully recovered , but I am hoping she will be back in no time .
Once inside the apartment I start unpacking but I am interrupted by my phone. I check the caller’s id and sigh. It’s her. Of course she must be wondering why I didn’t come home and didn’t call. Oh how I dread having to answer but I know that if I don’t things will get worse.
“Hello” I say tentatively
“Alice, how nice to finally hear from you “She chirps sweetly.
“Mother, sarcasm doesn’t suit you. “
“You lady, don’t you even begin. Of course you would not have bothered to call me. You ungrateful chit , I have tried to reach you countless times this past week only to be greeted by your voice mail “ She starts her tirade and I look at the clock…. This will take some time.
“You are just like him, so irresponsible. Good grief, what have I done to deserve such a daughter? Don’t you have anything to say in your defense? God I cannot even believe your attitude towards your own mother …”
I grit my teeth. She just crossed the line. “Do not talk like that about dad. You can say whatever you want about me, but do. Not. Ever. Disrespect dad again. “I realize I am close to yelling but I cannot stop.
“Alice Katherine, How dare you raise your voice at me? Oh I can’t believe it … You have always had a temper but honestly, I am getting sick of putting up with your attitude. You should have taken an example from your cousin, god rest her in peace, she was such a lady . . . if only she were my daughter ...” the last words came more as a whisper but none of the less they stung. Of course, I have heard the same things all over again growing up.
“Mother what do you want? Why have you called? To make me even more miserable that I cannot be like my cousin? ” I ask her rather harshly. It’s time we ended this useless conversation.
“Alice darling, why, you know I love you just the way you are, it’s just …” she clears her throat “you could have been better. I kept trying, but eventually it was futile. You took too much after your father. “
“Goodbye mother “
“Alice, Alice, don’t you dare! I am not finished with you!” she yells. I hang up and sink to the floor. This has given me one hell of a headache.
Of course I was right. The next few day I don’t hear from Aiden at all, and I hate to admit that it hurts. I try to focus on school and on Sarah. She is bedridden but not stupid, as she immediately caught on something.
“Kate…” She says as she raises an eyebrow at me, interrupting me from the reading.
“What?”
“Tell me, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, why?”
“Oh come on
, I am not blind and definitely not deaf. You have been reading the same sentence three times now. Tell me.”
I swallow hard and shake my head.
“You have enough on your plate, I don’t want to burden you with my problems as well “
“Silly, you are definitely not burdening me, and besides can’t you see?” she says pointing at herself.
“It’s not like I have something better to do anyway, so come on, spit it out, at least I can help you with a piece of advice “
“Oh fine “I cave in and she beams at me.
“It’s about what happened while we were away “
“Oh Kate I hope this is not about me…”
“No, no, but I did something, and I don’t know yet if it was stupid of me or…”
“Well?”
“I kind of slept with Aiden “
“Kind of?” she’s screaming now, but I can understand her since from an outsider’s point of view it would definitely count as a really stupid thing.
“Let me explain”
“What…God Kate , I know you still have feelings for him , but he’s a dick , I mean seriously after all that he’s done to you … you just gave him the most important thing a woman can give a man .”
“I know….but how I can put this… After your accident I had some time to ruminate over things. In just a second a person I love can be taken away from me, without turning back. I do love him, I admit it, after everything, I do love him, and I just couldn’t imagine how I would have lived with myself if…”
“You didn’t at least have a moment with him?” she asks softly and I nod.
“It’s true it’s not the most logical thing , but I told myself that if , maybe I had this , I would be able to move on with my life . “
“But it did not help” she says as if she understands perfectly.
“No, it didn’t, it made things worse, at least for me. “ I sigh and wipe a tear from the corner of my eye.
“He hasn’t even called me these past few days. It’s been almost a week now and nothing. I hurt a little, you know…”
“Sweetie, I am so sorry . . . I don’t know if anything I say may be of help but, I am here for you, now and always. And just so you know, he is not worth it.”
“Thank you” I say and I hug her dearly. That’s right, I am not completely alone.
***
Friday afternoon I am surprised to hear from Gregory. To be honest I had kind of forgotten about him.
“Hey Katy”
“Hi Greg, how are you?”
“Well… I was calling to ask if you have time, go for a drink, and catch up?” he asks in a kind of insecure manner.
“Sure “I agree and immediately regret it. I am just complicating things for myself.
“Great... hum…pick you up at eight?”
“Fine for me”
He picks me up at eight sharp, not a minute late. We go to a bar and we take our seats. All the way here, Gregory has been mumbling about how sorry he was I didn’t come with him and how his parents would have loved to meet me. Especially his mother. I am definitely not meeting his parents. Not now or ever, so I stayed silent.
“How about you?”
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention”
“I asked how your holiday was, I mean of course I have heard about Sarah but I hope at least some of it was fun”
“Yes, you could say that. There were certainly new things” I answer dryly. I remember Aiden’s hands on me … and his mouth. God it makes me blush already.
As we order our drinks Gregory makes useless attempts at small talk. I of course am freaking bored. I knew I would regret agreeing to this meeting and when I see Aiden and some friends enter the bar I know that this was a monumental mistake. Somehow our gazes collide but I can’t decipher the look on his face. He doesn’t seem in the least interested. Well it seems that I was completely right that our short lived affair has, indeed, ended as he doesn’t even acknowledge me.
“Hey “Gregory nudges me and I flick my gaze to him in a questioning manner.
“Isn’t that Aiden? Oh I am so lucky; I have wanted to ask his opinion on something for some time. Why don’t we join them?” I start to protest but too late. Greg is already up and heading towards their table. I duck my head and follow him muttering a few curses under my breath “
As I take a seat, Aiden doesn’t even look at me. I am introduced to the rest of the guys, who are apparently Brad’s teammates and they start talking about football. Although Aiden seems immersed in the conversation, I can still feel some tension in the air. My hand is slightly shaking so I manage to spill my drink all over my T-shit. Great Job! I excuse myself to the restroom before I make more of a fool of myself .I walk through the mass of people and into a dark hallway. Suddenly I am being pulled by my arm and thrown into a room. A hand clamps over my mouth and I find myself staring into icy cold eyes.
“Got bored with me so fast pet?” Aiden says a whisper that sends shivers down my spine. What is he doing?
I try to protest and to wriggle free of his hold but the way he blocks me makes it impossible for me to even move an inch.
“I didn’t know you were so eager to jump from a bed to another “he says a mischievous grin on his face.
He lifts me up and places me on a dusty table in the back, finally removing his hand.
“What the h…” I start to ask but I am cut off as his mouth comes crashing down on mine in an aggressive kiss, meant more to punish me. I clamp my lips shut , refusing to yield , but ultimately it is in vain , as I am coaxed to open my mouth to him .One of his hand goes to my nape , to gather me even closer and the other one fumbles with his zipper . He lifts my skirt and in one swift movement he has my panties to the side and I can feel inside me. I gasp and he continues to assault me with his mouth. I wrap my legs around him, wanting to feel him as near as possible. I am numbed by his searing kisses and the pleasure building inside me with each of his thrusts to even think of anything else. But deep down I know this isn’t right. This isn’t Aiden…
“Aiden…” I cry out his name.
“That’s right babe, don’t forget it’s me fucking you “he says harshly.
Once he’s finished, breathing heavily, he whispers against my hair.
“Does he satisfy you like this?”
I whimper and he seems content with the answer. He zips his pants shut and closes the door after him. I am left dumbfounded and with tears pooling into my eyes. I feel soiled, dirty, and so I start sobbing.
Chapter 13
It was raining heavily. I could hear the thunder crashing onto the roof. I loved listening to rain. It reminded me of my childhood and the nights when my dad would tuck me to bed and tell me a story. Now the sound of rain is muffled by the sound of my own sobbing. I don’t know how I arrived home. All I know is that the first thing I did was to close myself into the bathroom and scrub my skin. I kept on scrubbing and scrubbing, trying to erase him off me. I felt used and dumped. And of course, I was. But at the same time I know that I am the one that allowed things to get that far. I hate myself for yielding at his simple touch. I hate myself for desiring him even now.
Monday came quickly and I realized that I would not solve anything by wallowing in self-pity. I started a routine that involved no thoughts of Aiden and studying. All was going well until I am called into the dean’s office.
"Alice Price?" The old man asks slowly lifting his gaze to meet mine.
"Yes sir, you wanted to see me?”
He coughs and looks around as if nervous
"Well I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but ... there has been a call from your uncle. Apparently you mother is in a poor state of health and he requested a leave, which I have granted.”
I stare at him wide eyed
"What is wrong with her?”
"I have not been given full details but it seems that she was taken to the emergency room last night and she is still under observation.”
That
is his notion of poor health? I am seething. Partly because of his nonchalant approach and partly because I still can't believe what I have just heard. Although I dislike my mother, I don't hate her. But I realize now it's neither the time nor the place to be venting the anger I have closed within me. I thank him and take my leave. I barely make it home and with tears in my eyes I call Sarah and tell her that I will be gone for a while. She's as sweet as always and says I can count on her. I book a flight for the next morning and I start packing.
As I land I start to panic. What if it’s serious? My uncle, aloof as always refused to give any more info. He was quite elusive about her alleged accident.
I don’t even bother take my baggage to my room as I hurry to the hospital.
I quickly find a nurse and give her my mother's name to which she smiles and says that she is perfectly fine. Only the beginning of a cold. I stare at her dumbfounded. She got me. Of course she would do this. For her everything is a game. She is pissed I didn't call so she makes me come home. I laugh dryly as I think about it. I am always gullible when it comes to her .well let her wait.
I return home and start unpacking since I seem to have won myself a nice five day vacation. After taking out my make-up bag I settle myself in front of the mirror. I involuntarily lift my hand and trace the outline of my face. Then my hair as I look at myself and try to determine just who am I?
I have tried to change by changing my appearance which was clearly futile. I have gone out of my way to socialize more yet I still ended up in Aiden's bed. I have tri3d to give mother the cold shoulder yet here I am. Fooled again. I am quite disgusted with myself. I can't find one thing to define me, besides myself destructing love for Aiden.
After cleansing well my face I head to bed. Funny. It’s been two years since I have last slept in it. I slowly ease myself under the blankets and drift off to sleep.
Groggily I open my eyes to detect the sound of the noise. I look around for a bit before realizing it's my phone and it must be somewhere in my jeans pockets. I hurry and answer without checking the id. The minute I hear her voice I know what big mistake I have made.