Pinned Down

by C. Michelle

  Michael.

  What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? My mind is in panic mode while my body feels paralyzed from the shock of the scenery before me.

  “Good morning.” Michael whispers as he sucks on my nipple.

  Please…stop. “Michael.” I push him away gently, cover myself with the sheet, then look at the time. “I have to go. I’m sorry. I’m already late.” Like the coward that I am, I don’t have the nerve to face my mistake.

  “Okay. I’ll drive you home.” He offers.

  “No, please just stay. I’ll just catch a cab. It’s no big deal.”

  He seems baffled at my suggestion. “Don’t be silly. I’ll drive you. Let me just jump in the shower real fast then I’ll take you home.”

  I decide not to push the issue. “Okay. Where are my clothes?” I no longer want to look at anything. I simply want to close my eyes and wake up from this horrid nightmare.

  Michael gets up in all his naked glory. “By the chair next to you.”

  I turn to my right and see my clothes neatly folded over the arm rest. My eyes then focus on the ground. My heart literally stops beating. “Michael, why is there a used EMPTY condom on the floor?”

  “Don’t you remember? You begged me to take it off. You wanted to feel me raw inside you.” He affirms my biggest fear.

  No! Nina, you stupid bitch! What the fuck have you done? If this is a dream…someone, please wake me up!

  It takes all my strength not to shed any unwanted tears. “Michael, I really need to leave now. Can you please hurry?”

  “Of course.”

  As Michael is in the shower, I quickly change and cowardly abandon his hotel room, leaving behind a trail full of tears and morals.

  Chapter 13 (Nina)

  Remorse

  Hiding from the world had to eventually come to an end. Leaving my suite at the quaint Bed & Breakfast in Napa Valley posed as a bigger challenge than expected this morning. After spending two relaxing days away from reality with my favorite books, delicious wine, and picturesque sceneries of vineyards galore, it’s a wonder how I managed to leave my slow paced and tranquil oasis.

  Unfortunately, I have responsibilities to attend. As I’m driving in traffic to work, the dark sky is fading away as dawn quickly approaches. I play mellow R&B music and allow myself to process the mistakes I’ve been avoiding since I left my house early Sunday morning. A wave of disappointment instantly crashes me with a mighty force. The reality and disgrace of my actions weighs heavily in my heart and on my shoulders. How could I have believed the ache in my soul would be numbed by alcohol? Why did I insist on drinking past my limit? Why didn’t I value myself enough to set boundaries? What possessed me to give myself so freely to both men on the same night? Just the thought of that night disgusts me immensely. I behaved irresponsibly by drinking without considering the risks. To drink socially is one thing, but to consume alcohol to the point of unconsciousness is unacceptable. My poor decisions resulted in having unprotected sex with two men and putting my life at risk of STDs and AIDS. No broken heart can ever justify such reckless behavior. Sadly, I know better than to act so impulsively, in this case, my poor judgment overrode my intellect.

  How I see things…I can either continue to dwell on my errors and shame or I can learn valuable insight from my poor choices to avoid making those same or similar mistakes once again. The choice is mine.

  Once I arrive to my job just in time, I dive into my workload head first to evade personal thoughts. My clients deserve my undivided attention. All private matters need to remain at the front door. After a busy morning, I gladly welcome my lunch break. Just as I’m about to leave my office, Josh walks in with a long stem single red rose.

  No. My already broken heart shatters into even tinier pieces.

  I can’t face him. I’m not ready to have this discussion. Even though we’re not together and I’m entitled to do as I please, I know that what happened between Michael and me is something Josh has the right to know if we choose to move on together. Right now though, I just don’t have it in me to inform him of my slut ways.

  “Hey, pretty lady. May I come in?” Josh asks politely.

  My chest instantly tightens. Josh’s gentleman demeanor causes an abundance of guilt, betrayal, and shame to overpower me once again.

  I try to act as if I’m on a time crunch. “Josh, I’m swamped. Right now is not a good time. Can we talk later?”

  “Sure.” He gazes at me warmly, tempted to reach out and hold me. “Here I brought you this. The simplicity and beauty of this single rose made me think of you.”

  I swallow hard then take it avoiding the most minimal contact with Josh. “Thank you. I’ll walk you out.” I come across as cold and dismissive, but if I remain near him much longer, I’m afraid I’ll turn into a blubbering mess. This isn’t the time or the place for my personal drama.

  As we’re heading out of the building, I keep quiet. Josh breaks the silence between us. “Where were you? I called you, text you, and went to your house…nothing.”

  “I needed to get away…to think. I was in Napa.” I look up and bat my lashes fiercely determined to rid myself of the tears that threaten to escape.

  Once we exit the building, we run into Michael.

  No!

  My heart palpitates a mile a minute. My hands become sweaty with anticipation. And my breathing accelerates at a ridiculous speed.

  What is he doing here?

  Michael greets me with a half hug and a lingering kiss that touches the edge of my lips.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” Josh’s mood sky rockets from mellow to enraged in seconds. His tight fists are at his sides ready to pounce on Michael if he dares say the wrong thing.

  “Chill, Josh.” Michael says with a smirk. “I’m just here dropping off Nina’s panties. She left them at my hotel this weekend.” He adds with smugness.

  I stare at Michael shocked with disbelief at his bluntness. When I turn to look at Josh’s reaction, it’s too late to attempt to calm him. His fist is already in midair ready to do its damage. Josh swings a right hook making instant contact with Michael’s face. Michael retaliates and swings back as he rushes Josh trying to restrict him against a wall. It doesn’t work. Josh’s visceral speed and strength allows him to block the punch and maneuver an uppercut to Michael’s head. Michael gets dazed, but returns with a cross punch making direct contact.

  “Stop! This is my job! Both of you, stop acting so fuckin’ barbaric! Please…stop!” I try to pull one away from the other, but end up getting hit in the crossfire. I fall back landing on the ground. Two police officers call for backup then try to stop both men from their brutal attack. Josh and Michael tackle each other to the ground and neither man is willing to comply and stop the assault. Two more officers join the scene and manage to pull Josh and Michael away from each other. Each man is on the ground face down refusing to conform. They continue to struggle against the cops that are now threatening to use their stun guns. Josh and Michael disregard the threats and still make every effort to continue with their violent behavior. On cue, two officers back away and taser both men. Michael instantly stops his struggle, but Josh’s rage seems to escalate and continues to put up a fight. Once Michael is secured in handcuffs, the third officer joins the two who are trying to steady Josh in an effort to restrain him.

  “Josh, please…stop!” I beg.

  Just like that, Josh ends his struggle and complies with the police. As they aid him in getting up from the ground, he looks straight ahead refusing to make eye contact with me. When the officers lead him to the back of the patrol car, Josh stops before me, but doesn’t look at me. “I’m done with you, Valentina…done for good this time.” Then allows the cops to take him away in the back of the police car as if he were some type of menace to society.

  Once I’m ready to head back to my office, I notice several spectators nearby, all mostly my coworkers. I ask God to allow the Earth to suck me into the depth of its co
re, but even God knows I don’t deserve such mercy. I return to my office and shut the door behind me refusing to cry any longer and determined to finish my day with the small amount of dignity I have left…if any.

  When I arrive home, I feel like the walking dead, my thoughts are blurred, my spirit is crushed, and my soul is consumed with darkness.

  “Cheesecake! What the fuck happened to your face?” Kade stands and hurries to observe me up close.

  Actually, I didn’t bother to look at my face. The pain and soreness was enough for me to know it wasn’t pretty. The last thing I want to do right now is discuss the day’s events. “Please, Kade…not now. I’ll explain later. Right now, I just need to sleep.”

  He sighs. “Fine, but as soon as you wake up, you’re going to tell me where the hell you’ve been these past few days and why you haven’t been returning my calls and texts.”

  “Yeah. Okay.” I agree just to get him off my back.

  As I’m headed to my room, a knock on the door stops me in my tracks. Although I really don’t want to see or speak to anyone, something tells me I need to answer the door.

  I open it and immediately regret my decision. What the fuck is she doing here?

  Jelly stands outside carrying a duffle bag with keys in hand. “Here you go, Nina.” She hands me the items self-satisfied.

  “What’s this?” I ask.

  “Joshua wanted me to drop off your things. Your car has been placed in storage, the business card with the location is in the duffle bag and the car’s keys along with the storage’s key are in your hand.

  A blow to my gut.

  “Oh, before I forget…I have something else for you. She goes downstairs and grabs something large from her trunk.

  “Here you go. Joshua wanted you to have this.” Jelly smugly hands me the black and white portrait of Josh and me, the Valentine’s Day gift I had given him. “He also said you can keep the Range Rover for as long as you’d like, just mail his keys once you’re done using it. Is there anything you’d like me to give him?” The bitch deviously asks.

  I can’t speak. I simply shake my head. Kade joins me and takes the items from me.

  “Okay, then. I guess my job here is done.” Jelly’s sneer and ill will is over the top.

  Before she leaves she makes sure to stab me with insinuations. “Hey, Nina…you no longer have to worry about Joshua, I’ll be sure to take good care of him. He’ll be in the best hands with me.” She winks at me sadistically.

  Before I have the chance to respond, Kade intervenes. “You go ahead and have Nina’s sloppy seconds, boo. Just know that when he’s with you, he’ll be thinking of her. But you go ahead and pretend like he’s yours. Let the scraps he gives you be enough to satisfy you. Bye, you stupid bitch!” He slams the door and drops the items on the ground.

  Kade reaches out and wraps me in his arms allowing me to drown myself in tears.

  My phone rings early in the morning. I look at the caller ID and immediately answer the phone. “Good morning, Celeste.”

  “Good morning, Nina. I hope I didn’t wake you.”

  “No, you didn’t. Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, I’m just calling to invite you to Delia’s house tonight.”

  “Celeste, I would love to, but it’s really not a good idea. Josh and I didn’t end things on good terms. I haven’t seen him in a month. I think it’s best if it remains that way.”

  “This isn’t about my son. This is about me and I want you and Kade there. I already spoke to your mom and Marisol, they’ll be attending also. Just because things didn’t work out between you and Josh, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped considering you family. Please be at Delia’s house promptly at six this evening.”

  How can I refuse Celeste after she’s been so welcoming and loving with me? “We’ll be there.”

  Kade drives my mom’s Denali while Marisol, my mom, and I along with Muscles enjoy being driven around. To be honest, the drive to Delia’s house has my nerves and thoughts in disarray. The possibility of seeing Josh once again after this long, torturous month has my stomach turning. I wonder what news Celeste has in stored for us.

  When we arrive, Delia immediately rushes out to greet us. Kade and I introduce my mom, Marisol, and Muscles. She’s thrilled to meet them. “Marisol…the ocean and the sun. What a beautiful name.” Delia announces. Kade is caught off guard by the meaning of Marisol’s name. He stares at her as if it were the first time seeing her. He’s as quiet now as he was then. I notice warmth in his eyes, instead of the indifference he usually regards her with.

  Delia then directs her attention to me. “Nina! Bella as always!”

  I thank her for her compliment. “Muchas gracias, Delia. You look stunning also.” Delia has on several bracelets that cover up her wrists. She’s wearing half a dozen necklaces and is completely dolled up. She loves dressing up, even if it’s just to cook.

  “Muscles, you hanson little man, I have son treats in the house. Would you like son?” Muscles smiles and nods his head eagerly. Listening to Delia’s accent always brings a smile to my face. I absolutely love her.

  When we enter the house, Celeste rushes me with a loving embrace. She makes her rounds and thanks everyone for coming on such short notice. Delia’s family and Josh are also in attendance. Immediately, I make it a point to avoid eye contact with him at all costs. Instead, I direct my attention to the large spread of food Delia has neatly laid out. When she cooks, she makes enough to feed a whole city. As an appetizer, she made a shrimp cocktail with her own twist. She prepared two main courses for dinner, pupusas with a vinaigrette cabbage salad that compliments the meal and yucca with chicharrón along with a homemade red salsa to enrich the flavors of the vegetable and pork. Overall, her feast looks and smells amazing.

  Before dinner, Delia gathers everyone around the table and says a prayer with each of us holding hands. She thanks the Lord for our blessings, asks for forgiveness of our sins, and asks for protection of her loved ones along with the protection of those who are in need of His aid. She then makes a special request begging God to grant Celeste a long and healthy life. Before she ends her prayer, Delia breaks down and gently sobs. Josh hands her a tissue then he and Celeste wrap their arms around Delia providing her the strength she needs to complete her prayer.

  As we sit together after dinner, Celeste announces she has stage III ovarian cancer and has decided to travel to a cancer medical center in Arizona for her treatments. As an added shock, she states she’s leaving to the airport in an hour. Just as we’re wiping our tears, Celeste reprimands everyone. “You need to stop that. I need positive vibes not cries. If we believe, all will turn out for the best. I’m sure of it. My son will be taking me to the airport. Valentina, will you join us?”

  “Of course.” I don’t bother to look at Josh’s reaction, for the moment, this isn’t about us.

  “Please…” Celeste looks at everyone. “Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be.”

  Once Celeste says goodbye to her friends and family, we leave. Celeste sits in the back seat of Josh’s truck claiming she needs to elevate her legs. I can’t argue with that so I sit in the front passenger seat next to Josh. We remain silent, things couldn’t be more awkward. As we’re headed south on Highway 101, Celeste breaks the silence. “I can’t believe you two are behaving worse than stubborn mules! Neither one of you is perfect, so why do you expect perfection from the other? Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Forgive your partner, learn from the error, and move on. Holding grudges is blinding. It doesn’t allow you to catch the blessings that are directed at you. It’s not healthy to be bitter and allow pain to consume your heart.”

  Then Celeste focuses her attention solely on me. “Nina, can you tell me what my son’s favorite meal is?”

  Her question takes me by surprise. “Umm…It used to be breakfast, now I can’t tell you what it is.” I sadly reply.

  “Son! Can you tell me what your favorite meal is?”

  Jo
sh seems agitated. “Mom, I have more important things to think about than food. I don’t see where you’re getting at.”

  “Answer the question.” Celeste insists.

  “I still love breakfast.” Josh confesses as he clenches his jaw and looks straight ahead determined not to look my way.

  “See, Nina! My son still loves you!”

  I turn around to face Celeste. “What? How did you come up with that?”

  “Your mom told me that you’re secretly linked to my son’s obsession with breakfast.”

  I cover my face from embarrassment. “No, Celeste. This conversation didn’t just get weird.”

  Despite himself, Josh bellows out a thunderous laugh. “Mom, you’re lucky I love you so much. Otherwise, I would’ve made you walk by now for being such a Meddling Maddy!”

  When we arrive to SFO, Josh and I agree to stay with his mom until her flight departs. Celeste insists that we leave, stating the airport concierge is waiting for her in the departure section of the airport. When we find the airline Celeste is flying through, the concierge is promptly awaiting Celeste’s arrival with a wheelchair beside him.

  Celeste hastily says her goodbyes making every attempt to avoid eye contact. “Son, I’ll see you on Sunday. Nina, I’ll see you real soon. I love you both. While I’m away, I’ll be thinking of additional names for my grandbabies. Do me proud.” Celeste smiles cunningly and winks at us.

  “Celeste!” I yell.

  “Mom, you’re too much! I think it’s time you go to an old folks home, woman!”

  “Bite your tongue, son! Bite your tongue!” With that, Celeste enters the airport ready to face the medical obstacles that await her.

  I haven’t gone to visit Diego in several weeks. I’ve been avoiding Michael and mostly keeping to myself. Whenever Diego writes me a letter, Michael drops it off with Kade. I correspond to Diego in the same manner. Today, I decide to surprise Diego with a visit.