One Carefree Day

by Whitney Amazeen

  “No.” I cut him off before his imagination can get carried away. “I’m fine.”

  Theo exhales, but his eyes are dark with rage. He reaches up to touch my cheek, and by instinct I flinch. His fingers hover over my skin. “He hit you,” Theo growls. “That bastard.” His expression turns murderous as he looks at his father, nothing more than a bloody, unconscious heap, and I grip his hand before he can actually kill him.

  “I’m fine,” I lie. “Really.”

  “We should call the police,” Theo says, sounding resigned.

  Suddenly it all hits me, what just happened, that Rob physically attacked me. That he would have continued to hurt me—in whatever way he wanted. The knowledge is crippling, so much so that I can hardly see straight. I can’t help it when I start crying, shaking uncontrollably. Theo pulls me against him, rubbing my back hesitantly, like he’s not sure I want to be touched. But I crave his touch so much right now. I want to erase the feeling of Rob’s violent hands on my skin. I bury myself further into Theo’s embrace. “Don’t tell my mom what you saw,” I whimper against his chest. “What your dad was going to do.”

  “Why?”

  “Please,” I repeat, sounding like a child, even to my own ears. “Don’t tell my mom. She’ll blame you.”

  Rob is not a good man. And Theo was raised by him.

  “Willow,” Theo says roughly. “You’ve been badly hurt. Stop thinking about me.”

  I shudder.

  “Come here.” Theo pulls me into a standing position and takes me to the couch. “I don’t want you anywhere near him right now,” he says when I’m sitting down, wrapped in a blanket. I have to admit, I do feel a little better now that I can’t see Rob’s mangled face anymore.

  “Is he ... dead?” My voice sounds so small.

  Theo’s eyes meet mine, and in them, there is so much darkness, so much pain. “I hope so.”

  I wake up in Theo’s bed to an assortment of voices emanating from the living room. I have no idea how I got back in his bed, but I’m willing to bet Theo carried me here. I rub my eyes and kick off his comforter, tiptoeing out of the room. I peek around the corner.

  The cops are here, asking Theo questions. Ash and my mom are here too, their backs facing me and hiding me from Theo and the officers’ view.

  “How did you get him off her again?” my mom asks, sounding incredulous.

  “I removed him,” Theo says, leveling his gaze at my mom. “With my hands. Like I said before.”

  My mom crosses her arms, like she doesn’t trust Theo. It’s almost enough for me to walk out there and defend him, but I want to see what happens next without her knowing I’m watching. I can practically feel the judgement radiating off her, just like I knew it would. It’s like the words she’s thinking are audible. This is your fault. If I hadn’t taken you in, this wouldn’t have happened. And then I hear the words she said aloud to me months ago, the words I haven’t been able to get out of my head since she spoke them.

  As much as I care about Mildred’s son, be careful around him, Willow. Rob is not a good man. And Theo was raised by him.

  But my mom had it all wrong. By being such a bad man, Rob taught Theo exactly what kind of man to avoid becoming. Theo is nothing like his dad. Theo is good and kind and brave. And no matter how long Rob spent raising him, Theo refused to let him taint the good in him.

  “I can’t be here right now,” my mom says. “I can’t process what’s happening. I’m going outside to get some air.”

  “You’re just going to leave?” Ash snaps. “Your daughter was physically attacked and you’re leaving because it’s too much for you?”

  “Please,” the officer cuts in. “Let’s everyone calm down.”

  “Bloody hell. Enough of this endless questioning. You can arrest me or not,” Theo says. “I don’t care. He was trying to force himself on Willow, and I stopped him before he could. Even if I killed him, I would do it again a million times over.”

  The officer shifts on his feet. “I know the victim is resting, but it’s time to question her. We really need to hear her side of the story.”

  “Don’t wake her.” Ash crosses her arms. “She’s in shock.”

  I come out from around the corner. “It was self-defense,” I state. “Like Theo already said.”

  The entire room faces me, wide-eyed. Theo moves toward me. “Willow—” he begins, but I hold up a hand.

  “I’ll tell you whatever you need to know,” I say to the officer.

  The paramedics took Rob away and fixed Theo’s shoulder in a sling while I was sleeping. Apparently it hadn’t healed enough to withstand the force of the beating he gave his dad.

  When the cops are eventually satisfied with how my story lines up with Theo’s, I go back to his room to lie down while they finish talking to him.

  I shut my eyes, willing unconsciousness to take hold of me again, but it doesn’t. It’s time to face reality, and it’s much too soon.

  Footsteps sound down the hall and Ash opens the door, wordlessly crawling into Theo’s bed with me. She combs my hair back into a braid with her fingers, and I shake silently with sobs. I can’t stop shaking. My tremors are so violent my teeth start chattering.

  Ash wraps her arms around mine, shushing me gently. But I can’t calm myself.

  I shiver. “Th-Theo—”

  “He’ll be fine,” says Ash. “Trust me. The cops are just being redundant. Everything you said was the truth, right? And you didn’t leave anything out?” I nod to the best of my ability. “Then it will be fine.”

  “You don’t know that.” I clear my throat against the thickness clouding it.

  “Yes, I do.”

  The door opens again, and this time it’s Theo. I reach for him, and he walks to the bed, taking me into the circle of his good arm immediately. Ash gets up, giving my hair a final pat. “I’ll be out there, babe. I want to talk to your mom and see if she’s okay. I think I was a little hard on her.” To Theo, she says, “I’m glad she has you. I’m going to have someone else to baby soon enough.” She seems to touch her stomach without realizing it, and then shuts the door quietly as she leaves.

  Theo carefully gets into his bed with me, pulling the covers over us both. I rest my face against his chest, my slow tears blurring my vision. “Is your dad going to be okay?” I ask. My voice sounds so small, even to my own ears.

  “Apparently he’s in a coma,” Theo says. “I don’t know if he still has a fighting chance.”

  “You’re not going to jail, are you?”

  Theo rubs my hair the same way Ash did moments ago. “I don’t think so. From what I understand, the damage I did to him is considered self-defense, since I was protecting you. But if I were to go to jail, I wouldn’t give a damn. No one puts their hands on you like that and lives to tell the tale.”

  My heart throbs. I lean away from Theo’s chest to look at him. My eyes fill with tears. “I need to tell you something,” I say.

  “What?” His brows pull together in concern.

  I take a deep breath. “I love you.”

  Theo’s eyes linger on mine. In them, I can see something breaking, like the last barrier between us, the final protective wall around his heart. “I love you, too.” He touches my face. “Is that what you needed to tell me?”

  “Yes. Theodore,” I say. “I love you. I love you so much, and I’ve never even told you.”

  Theo is motionless for a moment. Then he presses his forehead against mine. I can hear his unsteady breaths with him so close. He kisses me softly, first on the mouth, and then on each eyelid, making me close them.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers against my mouth. “I’m so sorry this happened.”

  “Don’t be.” I blink past the moisture clouding my vision. “At first I thought this happened because I went out on a Friday. But even so, everything is going to be okay. You stopped your dad just in time. It’s almost like I used a ritual.”

  “But if I hadn’t—” Theo breaks off, unable to
finish his sentence. “If I’d been too late, if my father had actually hurt you the way he’d intended ... the thought brings me such fury I can’t see straight.”

  I lightly touch his face. “But you did. And since your dad can’t hurt anyone now ...” I bite my lip. “Does that mean you won’t leave tomorrow?”

  Theo nuzzles his face into my hair. “I won’t go anywhere until I have to, little Willow. I’ll stay right here with you.”

  I smile, even though I know he can’t see it. And I’m glad, because it isn’t a happy smile. This moment, comforting as it is to be lying next to Theo, can’t last. And as it passes, I mourn it. I long for it before it’s even gone.

  Twenty-Five

  Ash sleeps over the night before the fashion show.

  I haven’t slept alone since Rob attacked me, and even though I’ve been relishing in having Theo next to me when I fall asleep, Ash is a welcome change. Pretty soon, she’s going to be a mom. I won’t be able to spend as much time with her as I’m used to once her baby comes, so I want to soak up as much as I can.

  The fashion show is the best distraction I could have hoped for. Focusing on it has given my mind something else to turn over, other than Rob Tate.

  I dress plainly in the morning—leggings and a T-shirt. I won’t need to wear my dress until it’s time for the show. Ash is decked out in black from head to toe. She claims this will keep her from interfering with the illusion my style creates. “It will be like I’m invisible,” she tells me. I have more than a small feeling she’s partly referring to her baby belly, which has become a firm bump, small, but finally noticeable.

  Theo knocks on my bedroom door, peeking inside at me and Ash. Our gazes lock, causing a flurry in my stomach. “Morning,” he says.

  I smile at him. “Hi.”

  Ash yawns. “You two give me morning sickness.”

  Theo chuckles. “I just wanted to ask what the car situation is this morning, love. Who are you driving?”

  My first reaction is to tell Theo to meet us at school in my car, but the words don’t come out. It seems like a step backward to insist on avoiding the passenger seat, after everything I’ve endured. After all, I agreed to do this. To give up all my rituals. And last week, I faced number four on my list. I went out on a Friday. So why am I still holding on to number three?

  “I think,” I say, hardly believing my own ears. “I’d like you to drive me to school today, Theo.”

  Theo arches an eyebrow at me.

  “I swear,” Ash says. “If this magical thinking crap of yours turns out to be true, and you choose today—the morning of the fashion show—to do this and we end up losing because of it, I’ll drive you off a cliff myself.”

  Theo cocks his head. “I hear pregnancy hormones make women do dangerous things sometimes. You may want to have your levels checked.”

  Ash flips Theo off. “Don’t make me hurt you. Joseph already told me how cute my belly is, and I practically stabbed him in the eye.”

  “You should have done it,” Theo suggests. “As a reminder not to make such ghastly remarks in the future.”

  Ash smirks. “Don’t tempt me with a good time.”

  I huff. “Guys, as fun as this is, we really need to get going. Otherwise we’re going to be late.”

  “Oh, no,” Ash says blandly, falling back onto my bed. “There goes my perfect attendance record.”

  I glare at her. “We’ll see you there.” I toss Theo my keys from my bedside table. “Now, let’s go. Before I change my mind.”

  Theo grins.

  We walk to my car and I take several deep breaths before getting in the passenger seat. You survived Rob, I tell myself. You’ll survive this too. And so will Theo.

  As Theo drives, I stare out the window, trying to imagine us on his motorcycle, how the wind in my hair made me feel like I was flying. How completely free I felt.

  It’s not the same, being in the car, but I try my best. I hold my fingers still to keep myself from tapping, despite the mambo my heart is doing.

  “Alright?” Theo asks me.

  “Nothing,” I say. “It’s great.” My cheeks burn. What did I just say? It doesn’t matter. Not when my blood is rushing like a river, when my nerves are roaring in my ears.

  Theo laughs. “What do you mean nothing? Are you all right, little Willow? Or shall I pull over?”

  I hope I don’t say anything else that will make him question my ability to process human conversation. I close my eyes and think of my happy place. I don’t answer him until my adrenaline stops making me dizzy.

  When I open my eyes, I think about the way it felt, waking up in the hospital and being told Daniel was dead. How I’d thought if only, if only I’d been able to do a ritual to stop it from happening. How I swore in that moment I would never let anything like it happen again.

  I glance at Theo, and he looks away from the road to meet my gaze with concern etched in his blue eyes. For a brief moment, panic seizes me, and I almost tell him to stop driving. But then I remember what Ash told me.

  Wouldn’t it be so much easier to embrace fate, rather than fight it?

  I shake the nerves off my body—literally shake them off. My body trembles with my efforts, and Theo’s brows pull together.

  “Yes,” I tell Theo. “I’m okay.”

  Theo parks us at school, and we sit silently in the car for a moment.

  I did it.

  I actually did it.

  I rode in the passenger seat of a car without performing a ritual.

  “You know,” I say, half in a daze, “I should have brought my list with me. Crossing this off would have been really satisfying.”

  Theo’s mouth twitches as he tries to fight off a smile. “I was hoping this would go smoothly, because I had the exact same thought.” He reaches into his back pocket and takes out a folded piece of paper.

  My list.

  My eyes widen. “You brought it?”

  Theo holds it out to me. “I brought it. Cross it off, little Willow.”

  I can hardly believe my eyes. I can’t believe Theo had the foresight to bring my list with him today. Did he grab it before or after I said I wanted him to drive? I have no idea, but it doesn’t even matter, because this moment is magical.

  I unfold the paper and reach for the pen in my glove compartment.

  I cross it off.

  “You know,” I say. “I think number two deserves to be crossed off as well. After my mom put me on meds, and nothing bad happened ... I don’t know. I really thought I would’ve had an allergic reaction. But I didn’t. And that made me feel a little bit better.” I cross number two off, too. And I stare at the list.

  Willow’s Top 11 Compulsions/Fears That Come to Mind (In Descending Order)—AND THEIR RITUALS:

  11. Contamination (washing the contaminated area repeatedly)

  10. Conflict (tapping and imagining the worst-case scenario so it doesn’t happen)

  9. Not being in control (tapping, or finding little things to control to prove I am in control)

  8. Not being happy (most of my rituals, like smiling at my reflection, serve as a way to prevent this from happening. If I find myself unhappy, I will sometimes think of my happy place)

  7. Objects in an “uncomfortable” position or in the wrong place (readjusting the object repeatedly)

  6. Losing time (tapping, arranging objects, anything involving odd numbers)

  5. Even numbers (tapping my fingers an odd amount of times)

  4. Going out on a Friday (there is no ritual for this because I would NEVER do it!)

  3. Sitting in the passenger seat of a car while someone else drives (see above parenthetical comment)

  2. Taking medicine (forcing myself to vomit until all the medicine has been expelled. But again, taking medicine is not something I would ever do unless my life depended on it)

  1. The idea of a loved one dying (the last time this happened, all my rituals collectively exacerbated)

  “I don’t think I’ll ev
er really get over number one,” I whisper.

  “And I think,” says Theo, “that is completely fine. Completely normal, if there’s such a thing. As long as you don’t let it control you or your decisions.”

  I stare at him, a small smile intruding my face. “I won’t.” I lean across the middle console and kiss Theo. “Thank you. Thank you for everything.”

  Theo shakes his head slightly. “It was all you, little Willow.” He threads his fingers through my hair, gripping the back of my neck, and brings my face back to his. His lips are warm and soft against mine, and the stubble on his face grazes my cheek. I part my lips, and his tongue slides against mine. I press myself as close as I can to him, with the limited space my car allows, but it’s not enough for him. He grabs me from my seat, pulling me onto his lap so I’m straddling him. In this position I can feel every part of him, where his body aches to meet mine, and I sigh with longing.

  The tips of Theo’s fingers graze my waist and then slide up my back, tickling my skin. My breathing grows heavy, and I’m about to suggest driving back home when Ash knocks on the car window.

  “Seriously, you guys,” she says through the glass. “I’m going to hurl.”

  When we enter the building to clock in, the entire interior of our classroom is decorated in gold balloons and streamers. The desks have been rearranged, making room for a pop-up dressing room in one corner and a large table filled with extra supplies for our stylists to use. Since half of us are stylists, and the other half models, the amount of stations has been equally divided.

  Ash sits me down, getting to work immediately. She’s practiced on me enough for this morning to go smoothly. I washed my hair last night, mostly to make things easier for her right now. All she has to do is place a few perm rods along the base of my neck and around the front of my hairline. The rest of my hair is to be styled into an intricate updo. When the rods come out, soft curls will strategically frame my face. I also get to wear the no-makeup makeup look, something I’m particularly happy about. Minimal makeup will save us time we could be spending on my hair, which is much more difficult.

  And then there’s my dress. Ash finished all her alterations, and the garment fit me like a second skin when I tried it on. It reminds me of something a character from a Jane Austen novel would wear. I have to admit, I feel a little bit like a princess in it.