Half Lost

by Sally Green

  I rub my hands. Think of stillness, stillness. Calm, breathe out and hold. But it’s not working. I know I’m not concentrating. I can’t do it like this.

  The Hunter holding Gabriel is reaching down for the cut. I have to risk it. I’m invisible and I run at the Hunter and snap her gun up and away from Gabriel. The gun goes off and I stab the Hunter in the neck with the Fairborn while shooting lightning at the one who has hold of Adele. Gabriel has collapsed to the floor. He’s alive. I cut the rope round his neck and he gasps with relief. I look over to Adele. She’s unconscious and so is the Hunter who held her.

  Gabriel’s neck is red raw from the rope. “You OK?” I ask him.

  “Shot,” he says.

  “What?” I rip open his jacket. There’s blood on his shirt. “Can you heal?” I ask him.

  “I’m trying.”

  “Greatorex, I need Arran!” I shout. I’m not sure she can hear me but I don’t want to leave Gabriel for a second. “Greatorex!” I shout again. “Get Arran!” I turn back to Gabriel and peel open his shirt. There’s a lot of blood but the wound doesn’t look so bad. It’s a long but shallow cut along his side, but the bullet is not in him.

  “You’ll be OK. It’s a flesh wound. The bullet’s not in you. Just a bit of Hunter poison.”

  “So I’ll live?”

  “Definitely.” And I’m shaking with relief. He still needs help, but the poison won’t kill him.

  “Greatorex! Get Arran up here! Now!” I shout again at the top of my voice.

  There’s no reply. I listen and am about to shout again when I hear more shooting from down the corridor.

  Adele is getting up now, though she’s staggering a little. The shooting has stopped.

  Gabriel tries to sit up. He says, “I’m not that bad.”

  I tell him, “Adele can go and find Arran in a minute. Just lie back. If Greatorex doesn’t come I’ll send her.”

  “Did you shout for me?” It’s Arran. I have my back to the doorway and turn as he comes to us. His eyes meet mine and they’re full of concern but then I realize he’s wearing Hunter black and he pulls his hand out from behind his back and moving behind Adele he shoots at me.

  Jessica!

  I send lightning at Jessica but Adele is in the way. Adele turns and shoots as she rolls to the left. Two more Hunters run into the room, shooting and sprinting, going for the cut. I’m trying to cover Gabriel and send out lightning to Jessica again. She’s fallen to the floor. As one of the other Hunters goes through the cut, another—the last one—grabs her boot and they both disappear. Jessica is on the ground and I send more lightning at her but still she shoots at me. I feel pressure on my chest and I move to protect Gabriel as I send lightning back and she shoots again and I feel another tap on my shoulder, and another. Jessica is burning now, smoke coming from her clothes and her hair, and then her appearance changes from Arran to herself, and she’s still.

  Adele is standing now. She’s OK.

  “Nathan.” Gabriel says my name softly and I turn to him.

  He’s lying on the floor, looking up at me. His eyes meet mine but then I see that I haven’t protected him at all. Blood is pouring out of him. Jessica’s bullets have deflected off me and hit him in the chest. I’m calling for Arran, the real Arran, and telling Gabriel to heal. He has to heal until Arran can get here. If Arran hurries, Gabriel will be all right. And Gabriel’s eyes are open and staring at me and I bend over him and tell him that he’ll be all right and Arran will be here any second and he says, “I can’t . . .” And I say that he can heal and he must do it and Arran will be here and I see his eyes are not focusing on me now and the blood is pooling around his stomach and I tell him he mustn’t leave me, that I couldn’t bear it and he knows that. And I interlock my fingers in his and hold them so tight but he doesn’t hold me back. His eyes are open and there are still glints of gold spinning in them. Spinning slowly. And I’m shouting for Arran again, screaming for him, and then Arran’s with us and Gabriel’s chest is sopping with blood and Arran’s saying he has to get the bullets out and I’m telling Gabriel that it won’t be long and he’ll be OK and Arran cuts into Gabriel’s chest and digs his fingers in and Gabriel doesn’t even flinch but the glints in his eyes move slower and I’m screaming at him not to dare die on me and I’m screaming louder and louder and Arran pulls out a bullet and cuts again and this time Gabriel makes a noise and it’s barely there and I know he’s just said my name and he looks at me and the golden lights in his eyes twist slower and slower and Arran is saying he can’t find the bullet and he thinks there’s still another after that.

  I have to stop time. If I can stop it, Arran can get the bullet out. I rub my hands and think of stillness but nothing happens and I know it’s not working. I try again. Think of nothing, think of stillness. I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to be calm and do it. And I move my hands and think of stillness and then it’s silent. All is still. But Arran is still too. I don’t know how to stop him from falling under the spell and I don’t know how to get the bullet out. And I look at Gabriel’s eyes and there are two glints left in them, faint but there. And I tell him I love him and I need him and I hold him to me and kiss him but I know I can’t keep time still for much longer so I kiss him once more and then time starts and Gabriel looks at me and the glints in his eyes fade until the last one disappears.

  Diving off the Cliff

  We’re in Wales. Arran’s with us too. He spends most of his time making potions and the rest of the time trying to make me drink them. They’re to keep me calm and make me sleep, but all I want to do is be with Gabriel. When I’m with Gabriel I am calm and I don’t need to sleep. Gabriel spends his time swimming and climbing and if I’m sleeping I can’t be with him. Today it’s sunny and I’m sitting in the sun on the grass by the small lake I told Gabriel about. Gabriel’s swimming. He loves it here. It’s a good place. Still not hot, but spring’s arrived. We’ve been here two nights, Arran, me, and Gabriel. Arran sleeps in a tent. I’ve built a den like my father did, getting the brambles to grow up and around us. Me and Gabriel have a fire and some sheepskins. It’s good. Not as poor as it looks, as my father said. I can make the brambles grow faster than ever now. I made the den in a few minutes. I know I can use all my father’s Gifts easily if I want to, but I don’t ever want to use the lightning again. Or even the flames. I light the fire with matches and take my time about it. Gabriel smiles at that. He always smiles.

  I sit on the grass and watch Gabriel. There’s a rock wall at the side of the lake and he climbs out of the water and up the rock. He’s showing off a bit, I think. I like watching him.

  I keep my eyes on Gabriel and start to shiver. I put my hands in my pockets and feel a stone. I take it out: it’s the white stone for Annalise.

  After months of thinking about what I wanted to do to her, how I wanted to punish her, nothing was right. I know my father would have killed her but I think he would understand why I couldn’t. I love him and loathe her but still I couldn’t kill her.

  Celia and Bob have got the truth from Clay and from Annalise. She wasn’t ever a spy. Though they tried to use her, she refused. Clay found the Geneva apartment through a Half Blood called Oscar and a Hunter who can detect cuts and a bit of luck. Annalise had nothing to do with it.

  Gabriel is almost at the top of the cliff. There’s a small overhang that he loves climbing.

  I take the white stone out of my pocket, pull my arm back and throw it as far as I can, watching it splash into the water.

  Gabriel is at the top. He waves at me and I wave back. He peers over the edge and pretends he’s lost his balance and is falling but then turns his fall into a beautiful dive into the water. Definitely showing off. I don’t want to take my eyes off him. He’s swimming back to the cliff and going to do it again I think.

  Arran says, “Someone’s coming.” But I can’t think who it might be or what they’d want and
I’m not sure if we should run or get Gabriel or what. Arran moves close to me. “Don’t panic. It’s fine. I think it’s Adele and someone else with her.” And he touches my arm and I look at him and then round behind me. There’s a long view down into the valley and they’re still a way off.

  “It’s Ledger,” I tell Arran, and I can’t see anyone else apart from him and Adele.

  By the time they get to us I’m breathing normally again and Gabriel is sitting near me.

  Arran stands when they get close but I stay sitting with Gabriel. They talk but I don’t bother to listen and then Ledger joins us on the grass. He looks the same as when I first met him: that same boy.

  He says, “I’m sorry about Gabriel.”

  And I shake my head because that’s not right. I say, “That’s not right.” And Arran is beside me again, shushing me and saying, “Try to keep calm, Nathan.”

  “He always wants me to be calm,” I tell Ledger.

  And I look to Gabriel but he’s gone and I say, “Where’s Gabriel gone?” And Arran gives me potion to drink and I don’t want it so I pour it on the ground. I just want to find Gabriel but I know I have to keep calm or Arran will make me drink it again and I just get tired then and don’t see Gabriel at all when I have the potion.

  So I try to look normal and meet Arran’s eyes.

  Ledger says, “I wanted to see you again, Nathan. I’ve destroyed the bottle. I have your finger. I said I’d return it to you.”

  And Arran says, “Good.”

  And I try my best not to look around for Gabriel. But I have a feeling he’s gone back for another swim. And Arran and Ledger keep talking about my finger. Then Adele says, “I’ve seen Celia. She’s trying to get things in order. They’re setting up a Truth and Reconciliation Council.”

  Arran says that’s a good thing, though I’ve no idea what it is.

  “She says that there are a few Hunters still at large, but most of them have come under her control. She’ll lead the Council until the new systems are running properly. Greatorex is leading the new Hunter Alliance. It’ll be small and work as a police force like it was originally meant to. They’re going to let Black Witches and Half Bloods join.”

  Adele adds, “Celia suggests you move. She’s found a place for Nathan. Wales isn’t a good place for him to be. There are still some who might try to harm him. It’s too easy to find him here.”

  “We’ll go,” Arran says. “Soon.”

  Ledger kneels down close to me and says, “I came to see you, Nathan, to perhaps persuade you to come with me.”

  I can’t really think of anything to say. Of course I’m not going with him.

  Arran says, “It’s something to think about, Nathan.”

  I don’t want to think about it.

  “Now isn’t the time,” says Ledger. “I see that, but I wanted to tell you that you will always be welcome.”

  Arran says, “Thank you.”

  Ledger reaches out and holds my hand. His is cool. He says, “Nathan, if you need it, the earth will help.”

  But I’m not listening anymore. I’ve spotted Gabriel back at the base of the cliff, climbing out of the water, and I know he’s going to do another dive and it’ll be beautiful.

  * * *

  We leave Wales the next day. We get a train to France and then somewhere else. Gabriel says we should visit Nesbitt in Australia and I tell Arran that and he takes my hand and says, “Gabriel’s dead, Nathan. You have to accept that.” But that makes no sense to me at all. And Gabriel is sitting on the other side of me, stroking the back of my hand with his fingertips.

  The End

  I live here now. Alone. I’m a lot better. At least that’s what Arran says, but I’m not so sure. Gabriel is by the river, twenty meters up from the bank at the edge of the trees and the beginning of the meadow. He’d like it there. It’s facing south and is sheltered. I dug the grave and took time over it, making it deep. He was heavy and yet not as tall as I’d expected. I worked out how to get him in carefully, but still I had to drag him. He shouldn’t be dragged. He shouldn’t be in a hole. He still wears the ring I gave him. He’ll have it forever.

  I sit with him quite a bit and tell him what’s happening. I don’t really talk out loud much; it sounds odd, noisy and unnatural. Thinking about it, I haven’t spoken out loud for a while, months I suppose. My voice is hoarse when I try it. Anyway, I tell him through my thoughts about what’s happening, which is mainly stuff about how blue or gray the sky is and how the river is flowing faster than the day before and clearer, and the noise it makes is cleaner too somehow, and that I saw a water vole and a family of otters. I try not to tell him about me too much—he knows anyway. He always has known me better than anyone.

  And I miss that, him knowing me. I miss everything about him. The way he looked at me, the way he looked at others, the way he smiled, laughed, walked, stood. The way he teased me and mocked me. The way he read poetry. The way he spoke. And I’ll never again see him look up as I approach or see him smile when he sees me and never again hear him ask if I’m OK and never again touch him and never again have him hold me and kiss me or talk to me or make me laugh. And the thought of that is too much and I turn animal. At least then I forget Gabriel, forget human stuff, and just live and eat and breathe. And yet I want to be human; I want to be thinking of him because then I feel he is alive somewhere, if only in my head.

  The nightmares are back. Mainly I dream of Jessica. She points her gun at me and then turns it on Gabriel and shoots him while I’m screaming not to and then I wake up. Even though Gabriel is already dead I still dream of him dying. It shocks me every time.

  I don’t tell Gabriel about all that. I tell him about being an animal, an eagle. That’s the best. I can be a fish too, which is weird and I’ve only done it twice. The second time was to prove to myself I wasn’t too chicken to be a fish, but perhaps I am, ’cause I’m not doing it again. I’ve never been a chicken.

  * * *

  I’ve been here a long time now. Gabriel’s grave is thick with grass. I think it would be good to have a tree growing by it. An oak, or perhaps a hazel.

  Once, in the early days of the Alliance when we were training, Greatorex and I hid in a stand of close-knit hazel trees. The trainees were supposed to track us down and attack us. They were taking ages about it. Greatorex and I stood there and listened and waited and while we waited a pair of squirrels ran around us up and down the trees.

  At last one of the trainees found our trail. We could hear them approaching. They weren’t much good, those trainees. And when they were nearly on us and we were ready to attack them, Greatorex was looking at me as if to say “Ready?” and at that moment one of the squirrels ran up my leg and my body, over my shoulder and head, pulling on my hair before he jumped onto a tree. Greatorex started to laugh. She almost gave us away. We still beat the trainees, of course. On the way back to camp she asked me if I could disguise myself as a tree. She was joking, saying, “You’re a natural at it.”

  I didn’t reply straightaway.

  “You’re thinking about it,” she asked. “Could you become a tree?”

  “I turn into animals; you know that.”

  “But they’re alive like animals. So . . . maybe?”

  I lie by Gabriel’s grave at night, most of the day too, when I’m not hunting. And I wonder if trees are happy and I think about their roots going deep into the earth and all the elements of earth and life and I think perhaps trees are the happiest of us all and maybe I could be happy too if my roots could find their way to him and somehow his body would find its way into me and some life, some elements, something of him could be in me. And I think of the stake in the earth that went through my heart and Gabriel’s hand and for those few moments that we were bound together all was perfect.

  * * *

  I have visitors: Arran and Adele. They bring me things. Fo
od: jam, peanut butter, and fruit. And some clothes: two pairs of jeans, two T-shirts, and a jacket. The jacket’s a bit big but it’s OK.

  Arran looks good, more handsome than ever, I think. And still so gentle and kind. They arrive and Arran does one of his smiles and steps up to me like he wants to hug me, and I feel a panic and I’m not sure why. I shouldn’t panic when he’s here. I don’t know why I do that. I keep thinking about when Gabriel died and the potion Arran gave me. I didn’t want it; I wanted Gabriel. And I realize I’ve got my hand on the Fairborn and Arran stops and Adele looks confused. I would never hurt them; it’s just a reaction. I know I have to calm down and I am calm most of the time.

  Arran asks me where I live. He asked me that last time he came. I think he’s just worried about me.

  I have my den, close to Gabriel’s grave. It’s in a tangle of brambles that are so thick the rain and wind don’t get through. If it’s wet I sleep in the den and have a fire in there, but I sleep outside most nights. The fire is by the second entrance to the den. I’ve got three escape tunnels, one short and two very long, and the main wider entrance.

  “Can you tell us, Nathan, where you live?” Arran asks again.

  “No.” I hope that’s that subject finished with. I wonder if they’ll go soon. But they don’t move and they keep on talking, telling me about what’s happening in their world. The new Joint Witch Council is a mix of Black Witches, Whites, and Half Bloods. The new Hunter Alliance is a much smaller group, working like a police force, and they have to report on their activities to the Council. It’s open to Black Witches but so far none have joined. Arran says someone will eventually. There are three Half Bloods in it. Greatorex is leading the new Hunters. Bob is in the south of France, painting again. Nesbitt is married. I don’t ask about that, about anything or anyone; they just tell me.

  Then there is a long silence and I’m remembering the time I got angry at Nesbitt, and Gabriel stepped between us. I had the Fairborn in my hand and Gabriel told Nesbitt to leave. I’m not sure where that was. A small castle. It was before Gabriel got his Gift back. Before I’d managed to control my Gift. I had blood and stuff in my hair. Gabriel leaned forward and touched my hair.