The Wanderer

by Jan Irving

Gabriel nodded, flags of bright color in his cheeks. “Its a place for a man to rest, to think…to heal.” He looked at Jude.

  Judes lips tightened. “A good place for you to rest. Theres one bed in the loft, and I expect to find you in it after Mouse and I are through taking care of your horse and mule.”

  Gabriel shook his head, looking rueful as he obediently handed over the reins to Mouse. “You may have lost the clinic, but youre still a healer, Jude.”

  Chapter Six

  Gabriel was having a nightmare.

  Judes body tensed as he listened to him, rising instinctively from his chair by the fire when he caught a husky sound of pain. Gabriels fists were balled and he was hurting, but Jude felt impotent to help him.

  “His fever makes him have bad dreams, huh, Doc?” Mouse asked, looking as tired and subdued as Jude felt. One of the boys cheeks was grimy. Jude got up and went to the basin warming on the woodstove, dipped in a rag, and returned to place it in Mouses hand; Mouse could take it from there. It was hard sometimes not to merely do things for him, but Gabriel had been right. Mouse would be a young man someday before long, and hed need to make his way.

  “There is a school for the blind,” Jude said. He swallowed when Mouse stilled. “The Perkins School. Its located in south Boston.”

  “A school for people who cant see?” Mouse asked.

  “Yes. So that they may learn things…like how Gabriel taught you to play chess.”

  Mouse worked the rag in his fingers.

  “I thought of telling you about it many times, but I was afraid…” Jude let out a deep breath. “Afraid of not being around to take care of you.” Afraid of losing you.

  “I take care of myself,” Mouse pointed out.

  “I know you do. Indeed, you are so self-sufficient I told myself you didnt need to go to such a place. But Gabriel pointed out that one day soon youll be a man.”

  “It would be nice to be more like other folk,” Mouse admitted. “But Boston…”

  “I would go with you, of course. Make sure you were comfortable there. And…Id cover your education if youd allow me.” Of course, Eli Smith had once offered Jude money to care for Mouse, but Jude didnt mention that now. He knew David Smiths father wanted a closer bond with his grandson. But that would displease David, and Eli was no more willing to risk that possibility than anyone else in town was.

  Mouse shrugged, and Jude wasnt sure what he was thinking. “Id be far away from you and Ming and Shen Lei.”

  “Yes, you would.” Jude knew the Chinese man and his half-Cheyenne son had often given Mouse a place to sleep. When Shen Lei had fallen ill with the grippe, Mouse hadnt left his bedside, sponging him down and giving him quinine to help with his fever. “Your… Joanna would also miss you.”

  “She has David,” Mouse said.

  “Well, it might be that I also return to Boston…permanently.”

  Mouses face dropped. “Because of what happened?”

  “I thought Id made a place for myself.” But was there a place for a man like him? Gabriel didnt hide who he was, but he was a wanderer.

  “Theres no place in Sylvan for me either, Doc. So I just made myself one.”

  Jude blinked. “So you did, Mouse. Do you want more of Mrs. Stevensons stew? It might be a while before we ever taste it again,” he warned.

  “Yeah, if we go back to town, likely theyll just run us out again. Im going to sleep in the lean-to.” Mouse got up from the table. “Maybe you can talk to Gabriel and help him not dream. Read to him. It always makes me feel better.”

  “Mouse.” Jude touched the boys thin arm. His throat closed because he didnt know how to convey to his young friend what he meant to him, how grateful he was that Mouse hadnt been hurt when the mob had burned down the clinic.

  Mouse ducked his head as if hed heard the words Jude hadnt said. A moment later, cooler air entered the cabin as he unlatched the crude door and headed outside.

  Jude knew Mouse needed time alone. Gestures of affection always made the boy go off alone as if he had been wounded. One day Jude hoped someone would heal Mouses soul.

  * * *

  Jude hesitated on the brink of the loft, his hand gripping the thin branch that made up the stair rail. On the bed, Gabriel had shoved aside the sheets and lay naked, slick with perspiration, his head moving from side to side on the pillow, restless.

  He flinched in his dream, his hand going to the letter cut into his hip. “No,” Jude whispered. “No, Gabriel, youre safe.” His body seemed to separate from his mind and his fear, simply took over and made him sit on the side of Gabriels bed.

  His hand covered Gabriels. “Shhh.”

  Gabriels eyes snapped open. Huffing, he stared into Judes eyes. “Doc…” he said in a weak voice. “Doc, Christ, please help me!”

  Jude nodded, holding still when the bigger man reached up and cupped his cheek.

  “Im a bad man, wanting you the way I do,” Gabriel rasped. “Its so hard not to touch you, but I know you dont want…that youre afraid.”

  Jude swallowed thickly. “I am afraid,” he admitted. “When Ramon would visit, wed have dinner, talk, share literature we enjoyed. He taught me some Spanish. But always there would come a time in the evening when hed leave, and Id see in his eyes how he hoped Id invite him to stay.”

  “Jude, thats no way to live,” Gabriel said. “Im damned because of the things Ive done, but I know thats no way to live your life.”

  “No, its not,” Jude admitted. He took a deep breath, tears stinging his eyes. He felt like hed been skinned, raw, exposed. There was no hiding what he needed from Gabriel, his self-appointed protector…any more than Gabriel hid how he wanted Jude, how he liked to look at him, touch him.

  “Youre so…” Gabriel closed his eyes for a moment as if fighting himself. “When I look at you, I burn. I want to bury my face between your legs.”

  Jude felt his eyes widen and his chest rose and fell rapidly at the idea of letting Gabriel do that to him. He was so moved, a dry pine branch exploding into flame under the fierce sun. “We are both very tired,” he said, swallowing thickly.

  Gabriel shook his head, sitting up so his muscled chest gleamed softly in the lamplight. Jude knew he was sweaty because he had a fever, but—with his tousled brown hair, rough-growing beard and heavy eyes, his golden skin dewy with moisture—Gabriel had the appearance of a man interrupted while making love.

  Unable to stop himself a moment longer, Jude bent close and did what hed dreamed of doing for days and for hot, tormented nights. His lips brushed one of Gabriels pointing nipples so that he felt it stab gently against his tongue.

  “Jude, Christ…” Gabriel gasped. His large body, supple as a mountain lion, arched on the bed, his cock heavy, bumping insistently against the back of Judes hand, unmistakably aroused.

  Aroused for him, for Jude.

  In the world hed lived in, locking himself away, there had been only the brief false intimacy of a doctor caring for his patients. But Jude could never be a part of the lives of the men and women he helped. He had no one. His life had been safe but barren of touch.

  This man wanted him, ached for him.

  “I want…” Jude closed his eyes and felt Gabriel stroke the hair off his forehead.

  “What do you want, Jude? My body…my life is yours.”

  Jude licked his lips. “I want to taste you. Taste a man just once…” Judes voice dropped to a shamed whisper as he confessed, “I want my face between your legs.”

  “Jude, God…”

  It felt like baked clay and rock crumbled and fell away from where Jude was locked inside his self-imposed prison. He rested his cheek against Gabriels thigh.

  “I shouldnt…What am I doing? As your doctor, I should let you get more rest.”

  “The fever broke for the moment.” Gabriel dismissed it. “I know you told me it would take a few weeks to recover but”—his gaze held Judes as he continued in a whisper—“we dont have weeks to be together, Jude.”

  �
��I lost Ramon, and Id never let him close,” Jude said. “I dont want to make that mistake with you.” He wanted to tell Gabriel that he didnt want him to leave. That he couldnt imagine his life now without his wanderer, but he had no right. The pain and violence of Gabriels past had made him drift. There was no reason to believe hed want to stay in one town. Besides, Jude didnt even have a roof to offer Gabriel now other than this rustic cabin in the foothills, and Jude couldnt stay here forever either. He was a healer. He needed to be where he could help people.

  “I want to touch you,” Jude said, his jaw tightening. He was tired of denying himself Gabriel. He allowed himself to stare his fill now at the other mans swollen cock. He was long, elegantly shaped, and so thick…That thickness made Judes belly twist as if he could feel it buried deep inside him in a forbidden act.

  He closed his eyes and drifted closer, hovering, letting his tongue shyly brush against the clear fluid brimming from the top of Gabriels penis.

  Gabriel jerked, almost as if Jude had hurt him, and Jude looked up, his hair tangled in the other mans calloused hand. “You look beautiful doing that,” Gabriel growled. “Almost as if you were made to do it. I could die now, seeing your mouth on me.”

  “Dont die,” Jude breathed, and then his lips opened and he took the tip of Gabriels shaft into his mouth. Hed dreamed of this, dreamed of sucking some man, but this was Gabriels hot silken skin, Gabriel who cried out hoarsely, reacting to his tentative exploration.

  “You make me want to live,” Gabriel confessed. “And it hurts, damn you.”

  Jude licked Gabriels cock. He couldnt get enough of how responsive Gabriel was to his awkward caresses. His own ass pulsed in sympathetic excitement, as if he could feel some echo of Gabriel thick inside him. He rubbed himself against Gabriels leg like a wanton, his manhood hidden behind layers of prim clothing but hungry to be released, fondled. His eyelashes dropped, shielding his eyes from Gabriels frank, open gaze. He couldnt ask the other man to touch him.

  But Gabriel seemed to know he needed more. He raised one knee as if understanding instinctively what timid Jude craved. “Rub yourself against me, Jude. I know youre not ready for more, but I want to give you some relief. Please let me offer that.”

  Embarrassed color stung his cheeks, but Jude couldnt help himself. When he thrust against Gabriel, sensation lit from the base of his body. A stifled sound escaped him. It felt so good.

  Jude stiffened when Gabriels hot palm grasped one ass cheek and squeezed gently. Gabriel held his gaze and repeated the movement, and Jude had to admit he loved his fullness held in Gabriels grip, loved when Gabriel shifted his hand so it rested in the heat of Judes open body, rubbing through cloth at Judes slowly clenching opening.

  “Jude, Christ!” Gabriel groaned. “I know youre not ready, but I want in you. I want to see you ride me, want to watch your face as you take a man for the first time.”

  Heat moved through Jude like rippling waves rising from a campfire. Deep in his spine, he felt the certainty that Gabriel would be not only his first, but his only.

  “I want to please you.” Panting, he forced himself to stop thrusting against Gabriel, trying to bury how close he was. He was afraid to spill, to be that vulnerable.

  “Dont you know?” Gabriels gunslingers gaze was soft on Judes face. “I want you to free yourself, Jude. Please…let go…”

  Jude stared into Gabriels eyes, drowning, but then the other man stroked his hair, creating what felt like a safe place. “Im ashamed.”

  “Dont be, please,” Gabriel whispered. “Youre beautiful.”

  Jude hid his face against a muscular shoulder, but then he felt again Gabriels gentle touch, smoothing over his ass, sliding forward to cup and appreciate Judes painfully engorged penis.

  “Oh…” He thrust against that broad, calloused palm, giving a choked cry as his body released at last, soaking through his modest clothing.

  Gabriel comforted him by rubbing small circles over his back and shoulders. “Thank you, Jude.”

  “Let me taste you.” Jude shifted, still pulsing with satisfaction. He felt wonderful despite the too-tight, sodden clothing. He kissed Gabriels open thigh— his hot, moist skin—then admitted one of his deepest desires. “I want you to fill my mouth.”

  “Jesus!” Gabriel didnt resist but thrust up into Judes giving mouth before he hesitated, trembling, obviously not wanting to use Jude ungently.

  Jude stroked Gabriels thighs, trying to reassure him as he had reassured Jude. He took his time, experimenting, taking the base of Gabriels cock in his hand because he was too long to fully swallow. He couldnt believe he was holding another mans erection.

  Gabriel moaned and twisted, trembling. Judes free hand caressed the straight black fluff of Gabriels luxuriant pubic hair, along with his sharp hip bones. He took as much of Gabriel as he could until abruptly, Gabriel gave a sharp cry and thrust deeper, filling Judes throat with liquid heat, his body rutting by reflex, his hands clenching around Judes skull.

  There was too much for Jude to swallow, so when he sat up, dazed, Gabriels cum ran down his chin and neck. He could imagine how he looked—hair untamed from Gabriels fingers, lips red and swollen from sucking another man for the first time.

  Gabriel rubbed Judes bottom lip, eyes sleepy and satisfied. “There are men who would pay anything for someone like you to take them in your mouth.”

  Judes eyes widened. “Are you saying Id make a good whore?” He colored with embarrassment, but a smile touched his lips until he sobered at a sudden thought. “Did you…partake of such services?”

  Gabriel cleared his throat. “I told you I was damned. Jude…stay with me. I want you to share my bed as long as were here at your cabin.”

  Judes mouth twisted. “Where else will I go? This is the only place I have left.”

  Gabriels eyelids lowered but he remained silent as if keeping some thought to himself.

  After a moment, Jude truly looked at him, brushing aside his fresh disillusionment and truly seeing Gabriel. Seeing his sex softening, the bones of his knees sticking out, the scar Gabriel was rubbing softly.

  He wanted to press his lips against it, but he was too timid. He played with the quilt. “Ill stay,” he promised.

  Chapter Seven

  Judes eyes snapped open hours later.

  Where was he? He looked around for the familiar landmarks of his bedroom at the clinic, sitting up, staring at the man hed shared a bed with, at Gabriels larger body. He grimaced as the movement made his clothing pull against his skin; he was still sticky from his release.

  Feeling shy, he pulled his knees up to his chest, wide eyes on the sleeping Gabriel, thinking, despite the fact it was a cliché, that the other man did indeed resemble a fallen angel. His too-thin body was slick with moisture. His hair was tousled, giving him a wanton look. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and Jude wondered how many nights he hadnt slept while keeping watch over the clinic.

  His lower body…

  Here, Jude had to swallow and force his gaze to stay on Gabriels hard cock. Not as a doctor but as a man. A man who wanted to look. God help him, he wanted to look, to touch, to suck again. He wanted Gabriels spend on his lips.

  “Jude…” A sleepy growl interrupted Judes inspection.

  Judes face flamed even warmer.

  “Jude, I like your eyes on me,” Gabriel reassured him. “It makes me feel a man.”

  “How can it? We… I had acquaintances in the medical profession who thought such desires could be cured, that it is a sickness.”

  Gabriels hand tugged him close, and Jude wanted to purr as he collided with hard muscle. He looked into Gabriels eyes, at the beard that outlined his soft, kissswollen lips.

  “Poor, innocent Jude. Perhaps I had an easier time of it. My first lover…” Gabriel cleared his throat. “It was so natural, like falling off a tree. And later I visited many establishments that cater to our kind.” He stroked Judes hair. “I will not debate with you the morality of wanting to suck your cock, Jud
e. I do not care. I care only to taste you.”

  “Gabriel!” Jude widened his legs when Gabriels warm palm found him, stroking him through his clothing. Like an eager whore, he thrust against that hand, tamed by it.

  “Take this off,” Gabriel said, looking impatient. “I want to touch all of you.”

  “I need to wash.” Jude gently pushed aside Gabriels hand and climbed from the bed. He walked to the window, looked out to see a lantern glowing from the lean-to. Mouse. Jude chewed his lip as he poured chilly water into the basin.

  “Hell know about us,” Gabriel said softly as if reading Judes concern. Moonlight touched him where he stood now behind Jude, his arms coming around him protectively. “We cant keep it a secret.”

  Jude swallowed. “I know. Ill…tell him.”

  “Jude…” Gabriels brow furrowed. “Its natural that he may find it hard to accept.”

  Jude flashed his new lover a look. “Hes my friend. You said I needed to treat him more like the man he is to become and…telling him the truth, even if he turns away from me… I need to do that.” Judes throat tightened. “Only I hope to God he doesnt…”

  “All right.” Gabriel sighed. He nuzzled Judes neck, making goose bumps rise. Jude shivered at the silken sensation of Gabriels warm breath against his skin.

  “Why did you get out of bed?” Jude asked, feeling guilt rise that he should enjoy such caresses. “You should rest.”

  “Dont use your doctoring to come between us, Jude,” Gabriel warned. “I wont allow it. You desire me; you like to look at me.”

  “Yes,” Jude breathed. His head fell back, and Gabriel cupped his neck like a collar. “I dont want to rest, Jude. I want to help you wash.” Gabriel kissed the side of his neck, and Jude trembled in reaction. Gabriels fingertips were rough, rasping against his skin, sensitizing it while heating Judes body, making him want to lie under Gabriel.

  Gabriels hands went around Judes slender waist, undoing the buttons on his breeches, pulling his suspenders down so his shirt billowed free. Jude stared at his and Gabriels reflection in the mirror over the washbasin, lit by starlight and the muted glow from the fire.