Trusting Tanner (The Collins Brothers)

by Lexi Lawton

  She stared at him like he was an alien who’d landed his spaceship in the middle of her living room. He turned slowly, watching for any signs she was going to kick him out, but she remained unmoving for much too long. Shit. Had he gone too far? But then she blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. She cleared her throat.

  “Um, I—I need a minute.” She pushed off the counter and all but ran down the hall.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Juliana rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door. She splashed cold water on her face and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. She’d been crying on and off for the past two days, but then she’d gotten his phone call and bawled so hard, she made herself dry heave. And she would not do that now. She wouldn’t.

  She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut so tight, she saw stars. Her heart beat wildly in her throat, causing her to choke around the lump that had formed. Tanner left his family to come back here. To be with her. Not even Devon had done something like this for her.

  “Jules, honey, you okay?” There was a light tap on the door.

  Honey. God, she’d missed hearing him call her that. She pressed her hand to her chest to stop the splinter in her heart from widening any further. “I’m fine.” She grabbed a towel and dried her face. Mustering all the courage she didn’t have, she opened the door and faced Tanner.

  He straightened from where he’d been leaning against the wall and gave her that damn adorable smile she could never resist. “Dinner’s on the table. We’d better eat before it gets cold.”

  Nodding, she moved past him and headed for the kitchen. There was no way she could speak coherently. Not right now. Tanner had set out plates and silverware and had placed all the food containers in the middle of the table. “Wow, everything looks great.”

  He pulled out her chair, and she sat. His fingers trailed across her shoulder blades as he moved around her to his seat. “I also brought entertainment.” He bent and picked something up. “If you’re up for it.” He waved a DVD in front of him.

  “Dirty Dancing.”

  “Figured the first time I watched your favorite movie, I should be with you.” He set it on the table.

  The fact that he remembered that sent a warm fuzzy feeling ping-ponging through her. “Thank you.” Her voice cracked. “For all of this. It means…”

  He reached over and placed his hand on hers. “I know.” He gave a gentle squeeze. “Okay, let’s eat.”

  They fell silent as they filled their plates. She was extra generous with her portions, and when Tanner saw the Eiffel Tower-sized pile of food on her plate, he scooped more onto his, grinning like it was some sort of competition to see who could eat more. The first bite was an explosion of deliciousness in her mouth. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she moaned with appreciation. It had been far too long since she’d had a turkey dinner, and it was so much better than she remembered. She put another forkful into her mouth and licked the dollop of mashed potatoes from the corner of her lips.

  “You’re killing me, Jules.” His voice was strained, and his gaze was intense.

  “What?” she asked innocently.

  “The way you eat. It’s so erotic. And sexy as hell.” He groaned. “Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

  “No, it’s okay.” She took a sip of the Pepsi he’d poured for her while she’d been freaking out in the bathroom. “I’ll try not to be so…erotic.”

  He laughed, and her heart clenched. “Hey, I’m not complaining.”

  Her temperature spiked, and she squirmed in her seat. “So, your brothers and parents are okay with you being here?”

  “My mom was a little upset at first, but when I explained why I wanted to come back, she was cool with it.” He gave a lazy shrug and took a large bite from his biscuit.

  She froze with the fork halfway to her mouth. “You told your mom about me?” Her ears rang, and her stomach dipped. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

  “I left out the part where I royally fucked up and lost the best thing in my life, but yeah. I told her about you.” He shrugged again. “Figured I didn’t need to go into that much detail.”

  The threat of tears returned with a vengeance, and she feared there’d be no stopping them this time. Not because he’d vaguely referenced the fact that he’d cheated, but because he’d told his mom about her. And because he’d said she was the best thing in his life. She’d never been the best thing in anyone’s life before.

  She kept her head down and pushed the food around on her plate. A single tear blazed a path down her cheek and dripped off her chin, splattering onto her turkey. She set down her fork and covered her face with her hands. Emotion after emotion crashed over her, twisting her insides into an ugly mess.

  For the first time in four years, she wasn’t alone on a holiday, and she was ruining it by blubbering over her plate. It’s like she was seven years old again, stubbornly refusing to eat Thanksgiving dinner and crying because her mom hadn’t baked an apple pie. If she’d known then that it would be the last Thanksgiving she ever had with her parents, she wouldn’t have acted like such a brat.

  Her shoulders shook with silent sobs. She needed to get a grip on her emotions, but before she could, Tanner was by her side. He lifted her out of the chair and cradled her against his chest as he carried her into the living room. Sitting on the couch, he held her on his lap. She buried her face against his shoulder and cried. She cried for her parents, for herself, for Tanner. For the future they could never have.

  After what seemed liked hours, she pulled away and wiped her face. “Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” That was utter bullshit.

  “You have no reason to apologize to me,” he whispered.

  She took a moment to look at him—really look at him—and she noticed a couple things. First, he was the sexiest man she’d ever known, even with the dark circles under his eyes and the pained expression on his face. Second, his eyes were red, like he was fighting with everything he had in him not to shed any tears of his own because he needed to be strong for her. And third, she was still hopelessly in love with him.

  He caressed her cheek, catching a few of her tears with the back of his hand. “I love you, Juliana.” His thumb moved across her bottom lip, which was now trembling again. “I don’t expect you to say it back, but it’s important you know that.”

  “I do. I know.” She nodded.

  Cupping her cheeks, he lowered her face and placed a kiss to her forehead. Then he moved her off his lap and set her in the corner of the couch. “Stay here. I’ll grab a blanket and the DVD.”

  She tucked her legs to her chest and rested her head on her knees. Tanner crouched in front of her TV and popped the movie into the DVD player like he’d done so many times when they’d been dating. He stood and headed toward her room. Unease wiggled its way into the back of her mind, as if there was something super important she was forgetting, something she didn’t want to think about… The instant it clicked in her mind, Tanner’s voice echoed from her bedroom.

  “What the fuck is this?”

  Oh shit. Juliana scrambled off the couch, but it was too late. Tanner had seen the one thing she never wanted him to. Grabbing the doorknob, she attempted to close the door, but he slapped his palm against it, stopping her.

  “Are you sleeping on the floor?” His gaze darted from the pile of pillows and blankets on the bedroom floor to her.

  Her shoulders sagged. “It’s no big deal, okay? I really don’t want to talk about it.” She tugged on the doorknob, and this time he didn’t stop her.

  “It is a big deal. How long?” He crossed his arms.

  She averted her gaze and chewed on her lip. A bolt of lightning could strike her down where she stood and it would hurt less than the judgment she heard in his voice.

  “How long, Jules?”

  “Since we broke up.” Could she be any bigger of a loser?

  “Why?” His tone was softer, concerned.
>
  “Because my bed still smells like you, and I just can’t sleep there, okay?” She was not going to tell him that every time she pulled back the covers, she could see him lying there, naked, desire burning in his eyes. And she sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him that every time she was in her bed, she’d wake up in the middle of the night calling his name.

  She turned and headed back to the living room. A moment later, Tanner joined her. He didn’t press the issue any further, and they settled into silence. She barely made it through the first thirty minutes of the movie when her eyelids became heavy.

  …

  Juliana awoke slowly, eyes burning from all the tears she’d shed. She attempted to stretch when an arm tightened around her midsection, drawing her back against a warm, hard body. Her eyes snapped fully open. She was in her bed. How the hell had she gotten in her bed? Panic knocked the breath from her lungs, and her body tensed. Last thing she remembered was falling asleep on the couch.

  “Don’t you dare get out of this bed.” Tanner’s sleep-laden voice sent a shiver through her. “It’s way too early.”

  She glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand. “It’s almost nine o’clock.”

  “Exactly.” He snuggled in behind her, his face buried against her neck. “Too early.” His hot breath tickled the sensitive spot below her ear, and she groaned.

  She had to admit, she’d slept better last night than she had in weeks. Probably because her bed was a hell of a lot more comfortable than the floor, but mostly it was because of Tanner. Having him here with her made all the difference.

  His fingers tentatively eased under the hem of her sweatshirt, brushing feather soft across her stomach. Her skin broke out in goose bumps, and she let her eyes close. “You stayed,” she mumbled.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  His soft, throaty hum was a direct shot to her libido, and there was a sudden, sharp ache between her legs. Her breaths became harder.

  “You fell asleep on the couch, and I wasn’t going to leave you there, so I brought you in here. You asked me to stay.” His fingers inched up, grazing her rib cage. “I’m pretty sure you were talking in your sleep, but there was no way I could say no to that invitation.”

  She was pretty sure she didn’t talk in her sleep and that was a bunch of bull, but she wasn’t about to call him out on it. “Always a gentleman,” she teased, wiggling closer to him.

  “Jules,” he warned. His hand shot down to the curve of her hip, his grasp firm. And then he moved the lower half of his body away from hers. “If you don’t remember what it’s like when I wake up with you in my arms, then this is about to get really fucking awkward.”

  Her breath caught. He always woke up hard and ready for her. Twisting around so she was on her back, she gazed up at him. Thick lashes hooded his dark eyes, but they couldn’t hide the familiar sizzling lust burning hot as ever between them. She reached for him at the exact moment he lowered his head, and their mouths crashed together. Her fingers threaded in his hair, and his answering groan rattled around in her mind, silencing her thoughts for the first time since she’d broken up with him.

  Tanner tore the blankets away from them and settled on top of her, his kiss deeper and more passionate than she’d ever felt before. She hooked her legs around him, and he rocked his hips forward, pressing his erection against her throbbing clit. She gasped, but he didn’t give her time to draw in a breath before his tongue was expertly exploring her mouth again.

  Had he kissed Rebecca with this much desire and desperation? She forcefully shoved the thoughts away.

  His hand slipped inside her sweatshirt again, flicking his thumb over her nipple. She moaned and arched into his touch, craving so much more. “Fuck,” he growled and moved his lips across her jaw. “God, I’ve missed you so damn much.” He rotated his hips into her, grinding against her in all the right places. Then his mouth was back on hers.

  “Tanner.” She put her hands up his shirt, dragging her fingernails down the length of his back. He trembled in that way she loved so much. Had he reacted the same way when Rebecca touched him? She whimpered at the unwanted thoughts.

  “You feel incredible.” He showered her neck with kisses. “I need you, baby. I need you so fucking bad I can’t function.”

  Had he said the same things to Rebecca?

  Juliana closed her eyes tightly. Please, God, make these thoughts go away. But they didn’t. They came faster and fiercer. He lifted her sweatshirt like he was going to remove it, and she put her hands against his chest. “Stop. I can’t…” She scurried out from beneath him and climbed out of bed. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  He sat on the edge of the bed and dragged his hand through his hair. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No.” She licked her kiss-swollen lips. He’d done everything right. He always knew exactly how to touch her.

  “Then what…?” He stood in front of her, his body heat wrapping around her.

  “Every time you touch me or kiss me…” She shook her head. “All I can think about is whether you touched her and kissed her the same way. Those pictures are permanently seared into my mind. I can’t un-see them.”

  “Oh, honey, don’t.” He took her face into his hands. “Please don’t torture yourself like that.”

  “If it were that easy, I’d stop.” But she couldn’t.

  She took hold of his wrists and removed his hands from her face. “I forgive you, Tanner, for what happened, but I can’t forget. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forget.”

  The look of utter despair that crossed his face had her heart shattering like glass in her chest. “I don’t remember a thing about that night, but I know, in here”—he placed his fisted hand over his heart—“I know I would never touch anyone the way I touch you.”

  She momentarily closed her eyes. God, she wanted to believe him, she really did, but she couldn’t shut off the images. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “So am I. More than you’ll ever know.” He kissed her forehead then walked out of her room. Out of her apartment. Out of her life.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  The last few weeks of classes passed in a whirlwind of tests and term papers. At least it had kept her busy enough so she wasn’t spending every second agonizing over Tanner. Neither of them had mentioned what happened during Thanksgiving break, but not a day went by he didn’t say he was sorry and tell her he loved her. He’d even sent her flowers and chocolates a few times. She’d wake up each morning and go to bed each night with a text message from him. All of that aside, she still couldn’t get past the fact that she hadn’t been enough for him.

  “Hey, Jules, let me in,” Devon called as he knocked on her door.

  She opened the door and greeted him with a smile. “I thought for sure you’d be halfway home by now.”

  Classes for the fall term ended yesterday, and most students had made a mad exodus to their respective homes. Except for her. Instead of going home to the beach house, this year she planned to stay right here in her apartment. She had a massive supply of sappy Christmas movies, junk food, and tissues—because she wasn’t fooling anyone. There would be buckets of tears. Christmas had always been her father’s favorite holiday.

  “I wanted to stop and say a quick good-bye.” Devon made himself comfortable on her couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table.

  She smiled and closed the door, turning toward him. “So, when are you leaving?”

  He tucked his hands behind his head. “You trying to get rid of me?”

  “No, of course not.” She sat beside him. Even though she wouldn’t admit it to him, the thought of spending Christmas alone—again—depressed her. Without him and her other friends around, she’d be preoccupied with thoughts of Tanner; she’d be tempted to call him, try to make things right. And she couldn’t do that. She’d worked too hard to rebuild the wall around her emotions, and she wasn’t ready to risk another heartbreak. Not yet.

  “Actually”—Devon drop
ped his feet to the floor and sat up straight, sighing—“please come home with me. I hate the idea of you being here all alone.”

  “Don’t start this again.” She stood and went to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, she twisted off the top and drank half of it in one gulp. He had been insisting since Thanksgiving that she go home with him for the holidays, and she’d refused each time. She didn’t need or want his pity, and that’s all his invitation was.

  “Just because you’ve spent every holiday and summer break alone doesn’t mean you have to keep being alone.”

  “I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I’ve survived this long on my own. I’m sure I can handle another Christmas.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t have to. You have friends, people who care about you and want to be with you. Why won’t you let them?”

  Because she didn’t want to impose or be an interloper into a family that wasn’t hers or feel any more out of place than she usually did. “This is a hard time of the year for me, okay? And I handle it better when I’m alone. Please try to respect that.”

  He hung his head for a second. “I’m not going to be able to change your mind, am I?”

  “No.”

  He stared at her for a moment before nodding. “All right, but if you change your mind, call me, okay? I’ll drive back and pick you up.”

  “Thanks, Dev.” She wouldn’t have made it through the semester without his friendship.

  “And I expect at least four text messages a day.”

  Rolling her eyes, she laughed. “Fine. You’d better get going if you want to make it home without being stuck in traffic for days on end.”

  “Yeah, okay.” He hugged her, holding her longer than necessary, but she didn’t complain. “I’m serious about the messages, though. I want to know you’re okay.”

  “I’ll be fine.” She nudged him toward the door. “Now go.”