My [Secret] YouTube Life

by Charlotte Seager

  The car swoops and turns violently. I grip on to my seat for dear life.

  It’s worked. The banging is fainter, almost gone. The crowd is thinning.

  I think of Bryan and wish more than anything that he was here with me. He’s used to crowds – he always gets mobbed at his gigs. If he was here, he’d know exactly what to say.

  Unwillingly the thought of Bryan holding Nina, comforting her and stroking her shoulder bursts into my mind. Bile rises in my throat.

  The banging on the windows has stopped now. I gingerly put my head up and peer out of the tinted glass.

  We’re in a silent, gated part of the venue. Round the back, where all the cars are parked. We’re safe.

  I look down at my fingernails and see they’re bitten to stumps. I’m really not in a good place. I can’t believe I have to go and meet people after this.

  ‘Well, we made it,’ says the driver.

  He’s staring at me out of the corner of his eye. In the reflection of his windscreen mirror, I’m sheet white and shaking all over.

  ‘If you don’t mind me asking . . .’ he says, still looking at me through narrowed eyes. ‘Who are you?’

  I blink at him, distracted. Who am I? I always hate it when people ask me that question – what exactly am I supposed to say?

  ‘I, um, make videos,’ I mumble, crushing a fist into my cheek and trying not to smudge my make-up.

  ‘Who’d you make videos for then?’

  I really, really don’t want to have this conversation.

  ‘YouTube,’ I say, flinging the door open to my left.

  ‘Ah, right. Like funny ones? Cat videos?’

  I blink.

  ‘No, not exactly.’

  At that moment, Mindy whizzes out of the venue back door with a clipboard. Tendrils of brown hair are clamped to her forehead, and her lipstick is ever so slightly smeared.

  She takes my arm in her vice-like grip.

  ‘Lily.’ She smiles. ‘We need to get you in make-up.’

  ‘What happened? There were meant to be three thousand tickets – it looks more like three hundred thousand out there,’ I gabble. ‘I can’t meet that many people—’

  ‘No, of course you can’t. We are so, so sorry. The people responsible have been fired. It’s bloody security’s fault. People have been turning up without a ticket. I told them we needed to close the street.’

  As I stumble out of the car, the taxi driver leans out of the window.

  ‘Looks like people really love their cat videos, don’t it?’

  Mindy doesn’t even look at him as she frogmarches me into the venue, but I can hear him chuckling to himself as the door swings shut behind me.

  CHAPTER 37

  Melissa

  Today is the day I am finally going to meet LilyLoves. I can’t believe it’s come around so quickly.

  It’s 7 a.m. and my tiny, clingy skirt isn’t enough to protect me from the morning breeze. I smooth my crop top down over my tummy and shiver. A couple of discarded beer cans by the bus shelter rattle about on the ground. I clutch my elbows, hugging my stomach, and my teeth start to chatter.

  So much has changed since I bought those tickets a month ago – I almost feel like a different person. Now, I don’t just like Lily; I understand her. I know what it’s like to have a boyfriend, be a vlogger and have thousands of people following you. Our lives are almost the same.

  I nibble my nail. For some reason I’m a bit worried about taking Chloe along to the meetup. I haven’t really spent much time with her without the guys, to be honest – and in lessons she pretty much spends the whole time texting Tom.

  Also, when I bought the tickets, I’d always planned for this to be something for me and Suze. My face scrunches up. She’s the one being funny – I still asked her to come. Why didn’t she want to? I wish we weren’t fighting. But she was the one having a go at me about Andy. What am I meant to do, split up with him? Ugh, I just wish things could go back to the way they were before.

  As another gust of wind makes my legs tremble, Chloe emerges from across the road looking enviously glamorous in a loose, white tea dress and Celtic necklaces. Her glossy curls bounce as she walks.

  ‘Hey,’ she calls out.

  ‘Hey!’

  When she gets near, I try to hug her, but my cheekbone clashes against her eye.

  She gives me a tight smile.

  ‘I love your dress,’ I say.

  ‘Oh, this? Yeah, it’s vintage.’

  I nod like I buy vintage dresses all the time.

  ‘Have I seen you wear that skirt before? It’s cute,’ she says.

  I feel myself flush. This is the one vaguely nice outfit that I have, which I also wore to Rish’s party.

  ‘Um, maybe – I’m not sure. Shall we watch some of Lily’s vlogs?’

  She smiles and her black-rimmed eyes crease.

  ‘Yep, let’s get in the mood.’

  When the bus pulls up minutes later, me and Chloe are so engrossed in Lily’s videos that we almost don’t notice it arrive.

  ‘God, Bryan makes Tom look like such a kid,’ says Chloe as she shows her travel pass to the driver.

  ‘Really? No, he doesn’t. Tom looks so old.’

  ‘No, he’s a kid,’ says Chloe. ‘All he cares about is football and going out. It’s embarrassing.’

  I feel myself getting caught up in her gossip about the boys.

  ‘I know what you mean. Andy spent a whole lunchtime last week trying to balance his trainer on one finger.’

  Chloe bursts out laughing. She laughs so hard that she doubles over and her pretty face scrunches up, looking almost ugly.

  ‘Oh my God, that is priceless. Andy, bless him, he’s such a space cadet.’

  I laugh too, but as we sit down I wrinkle my nose. What does she mean by that? Is she being mean? Why is Andy a space cadet? What even is a space cadet? I don’t feel like I can really ask.

  Forty minutes and eight vlogs later, we get off the bus.

  Huh, OK. The scene isn’t exactly what I was expecting for central London. Where are all the Instagrams I’ve seen of pretty white houses and tree-lined streets? Are we in the bad part of the capital? Beside us there’s an empty car park with a rusted shopping trolley overturned in the corner. As we take a couple of steps, I notice an upside-down bike frame with no wheels, and leaning on a nearby wall are two guys in threadbare jumpers who watch us while we walk.

  I try to pull down my skirt, covering myself up from the men’s gaze, but it’s impossible – my skirt is too short and clingy, and my crop top only comes down to my navel.

  ‘Erm, is this the right place?’ I say.

  Chloe pulls a face. ‘Was the bus driver on crack? This can’t be where Lily’s meetup is.’

  I pull out my phone and squint at the screen.

  ‘OK, I’ve got the venue on maps. Apparently it’s round the corner and left.’

  As we turn the corner, a hum of chatter vibrates through the air. We take a left, but suddenly we can’t go any further – the street is packed with people pressed into each other, craning to look at something ahead of them.

  Is there a festival going on? Or a street party? Oh, this is so typical! The one time I go to London, I get stuck in the middle of a parade.

  ‘How are we going to get past all these people?’ I wonder aloud.

  Chloe tilts her head to one side. ‘I don’t think we’re meant to get past them.’

  I follow Chloe’s gaze and see a group of people clutching framed photographs and tote bags with LilyLoves’ face on it.

  My jaw drops. This is the meetup queue.

  ‘Oh God,’ I whisper, but Chloe is ignoring me.

  With a flick of hair, she puts her hands on her hips and stalks up to a girl at the back of the queue.

  ‘Excuse me, how long have you been waiting here?’ she says sweetly.

  The girl blinks.

  ‘Um, a man just came round and said it’s three hours’ minimum wait from here – pe
ople have been queuing since 3 a.m. It’s ridiculous – we have tickets, but we might not even get to see her!’

  My whole body deflates. The one chance I had to meet LilyLoves is over. I could spend all day queuing, and we still might not even get to the front. How could I have been so stupid? We should have come earlier; we should have pitched up a tent last night and been one of those people queuing in the early hours of the morning.

  Chloe’s lips are pursed. She turns to me and lowers her voice conspiratorially.

  ‘There’s no way I am waiting in this queue for three hours and not seeing Lily. Give me the tickets – we’ll find another way in.’

  CHAPTER 38

  Lily

  ‘Where’s Bryan?’

  Mindy plonks me down on a plush red chair in front of huge spotlight mirror. A make-up artist with long silky blonde hair rushes over and starts smoothing primer over my dry skin.

  I turn to find Mindy, but the make-up artist tuts and tilts my head. She opens another pot and starts dabbing oil beneath my eyes. Her fingers are cold and slimy, and as she taps my eyelid, one of her long fingernails nips my skin.

  ‘Mindy,’ I say, a little louder. ‘Where’s Bryan?’

  Mindy, who is busy telling her assistant to rearrange the lipstick displays, turns round.

  ‘Bryan?’ she says, casting a critical eye over the lipsticks. ‘He’s in the main room with Jerry setting up.’

  I wrinkle my nose. The make-up artists huffs, so I make my face blank.

  ‘Why’s Jerry here?’

  Mindy doesn’t look up from her clipboard.

  ‘Bryan didn’t want to play on his own,’ she says.

  ‘What?’

  I stand up. Concealer smudges down my cheek, and I hear the make-up artist breathe out heavily.

  ‘Why is Bryan playing? Is Jerry playing too? I don’t understand.’

  Mindy stops tapping on her phone. Her light blue eyes widen.

  ‘Lily, what is this? Bryan and Jerry are playing today, you know that. Bryan contacted us a week ago. He said you booked him in to play.’

  ‘I never . . . I . . . This is my launch.’

  Mindy is looking panicked.

  ‘Bryan said you insisted his band was playing. I had to reorganize the whole venue.’

  My pulse drums in my neck.

  ‘So he’s using my launch to promote his band?’ I say.

  Mindy makes eyes to the make-up artist behind me.

  ‘Now, now. There’s no problem – it’s just a misunderstanding. We’ll ask them to go home.’ She’s speaking to me softly, like I’m a child.

  I feel my skin catch alight. Without thinking what I’m doing, I turn on my heel and march through the double doors to the main hall.

  Bryan and Jerry are on a raised platform to the left, dragging amplifiers and electric guitars on to the centre of the stage. When Jerry sees me, he grins and raises an arm, a couple of dark dreadlocks fall down from the loose bun on his head.

  Bryan sees my face and doesn’t smile.

  ‘What are you doing? This is my launch party, with my fans.’

  Bryan swings his guitar strap over his shoulder and drops the instrument so it clatters on the floor. His jaw is set. Jerry drops his hand and starts looking at the floor, avoiding both of our gazes.

  ‘So you’ve got a problem with my band playing your launch party?’ says Bryan.

  ‘No, I have a problem that you didn’t ask me – you’re hijacking my—’

  Mindy has appeared as if from nowhere. ‘Lily! We need you in make-up. Bryan, can you speak to Rebecca, please – there’s been a change of plans.’

  Bryan rolls his eyes.

  Mindy takes my elbow and steers me back into make-up. She leans conspiratorially into my ear. Her warm breath tickles my cheek.

  ‘Don’t worry. Bryan, Jerry – we’ll sort it. Try to stay calm. Think of your fans. They’ve made such an effort to come see you today.’

  ‘Yes, my fans!’ My voice cracks. ‘Mine. Not Bryan’s. They’re not here to see his band.’

  Mindy’s eyes are expressionless.

  ‘I can only apologize for what’s happened. It’s all our fault. What do you want me to do? Do you want us to throw him out?’

  I feel myself almost laugh. She’s asking if I want her to throw my boyfriend out of my launch party.

  ‘No, it’s fine.’

  My shoulders sag. I’m just so, so tired. So sick of everything. When Bryan stayed up with me helping to plan the launch, it feels like he wasn’t being supportive; he was just trying to get free publicity out of me. I can’t stay with him, can I? This was a mistake. Everything I do is a mistake.

  I collapse into the nearest chair, and Mindy shoots another look at the make-up artist.

  ‘Get her some water.’

  The make-up artist’s long silky blonde hair sways against her hips as she prettily plucks some bottled water from her desk. Her satchel is filled with hundreds of beautiful pots, lotions and brushes.

  As I watch her flick her hair over her shoulder, I suddenly have an urge to be her. I wish I didn’t have to go out and see all those people. I wish I didn’t have to deal with Bryan and Jerry and all that crap. Or always film myself pretending to be happy when I feel terrible, not getting enough sleep because I spend every hour making my life look perfect.

  Imagine being a make-up artist: having no worries apart from making celebrities and actors look their best. As I take a sip of water, it hits me: I can’t do this. I can’t face all these people and pretend everything is OK with Bryan – just so he can promote his band.

  What am I doing?

  I push my knuckle into my eye and start to see stars.

  ‘Lily!’ Mindy is glaring at me. ‘Look at me! Don’t do that – look at me!’

  She heaves a sigh.

  ‘OK, I’ll admit this isn’t an ideal start to the day. Your day. But it can be fixed. Trust us. Security will stop too many people coming in. We’ll stop Bryan playing.

  ‘Think of your fans – they adore you, Lily. They need to see you today. Bryan too. You two are everything to them. I will speak to him, and we will sort this out. It’s just nerves. That’s all it is – nerves.’

  I blink at her. Nerves? Is that what I’m feeling? Is that why my heart has been racing for the last fortnight? I don’t know. I shake my head.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, as moisturizer is dabbed underneath my eyes. ‘It’s just been a really hard couple of weeks.’

  Mindy changes her tone. ‘I know, I know. It’s hard being a public figure, and I know you don’t usually deal with big crowds like this, but it means so much to them – to all of us. You know that, don’t you?’

  When I look up at the urgency in her eyes, I almost feel like laughing. Thousands of teenagers are queuing outside, desperate to see Bryan and me, because they think we are in love.

  Mindy knows it’s a lie, so does the make-up artist, so does Bryan. But they all want me to keep up the charade – because without me they don’t get paid.

  There’s this huge pressure in my chest to keep pretending – not to let everyone down.

  ‘I’ll do it, I promise,’ I whisper.

  Mindy’s face relaxes into a smile.

  On my lap, I curl my fingers into fists to stop them trembling.

  CHAPTER 39

  Melissa

  We’ve been wandering round the backstreets for ages. My legs are aching and my ankle has a blister forming as it rubs against the hard edge of my new pumps. I wince. As the wind whips my hair across my face, goosebumps prickle across my legs.

  Chloe curls her lip. ‘Where are we?’

  We’ve stopped at the back of a big grey warehouse with two industrial-size bins outside. One of the lids is open, and my nose wrinkles as I inhale a whiff of rotting food. This doesn’t seem like the sort of place that Lily would have her meetup. I pull my top as low as it will go over my stomach and rub the raised hair on my arms.

  ‘Um, maybe . . . I don�
�t know, but maybe we could try going back round the front?’ I say.

  Chloe stops mid-step. She smiles and gives a little laugh.

  ‘No one’s making you stay, Melissa.’

  ‘No, no! I didn’t mean . . . I’m sure we’ll find Lily soon. Let’s, um . . . keep going.’

  The street we’re walking along is dark and narrow. A man is sitting crouched on the other side of the road clutching his coat over his face and muttering to himself. He sees me looking and the whites of his eyes get bigger. My heart quickens and I look away.

  Oh God.

  Frowning, Chloe breaks into a slow run in front of me. With each springing step, her hair bounces across her shoulders like she’s in a shampoo advert.

  I hurry to catch up and see that she’s stopped by a wire gate, and is peering into a near-empty car park. At the back of the gate there’s a security guard standing by a small door.

  ‘Why have you stop—’

  ‘Shh!’ hisses Chloe, her eyes wide.

  It’s then that I see it. Oh my God – in the car park . . .

  ‘It’s Bryan’s car!’ I whisper.

  Chloe’s lips purse into a satisfied smirk.

  My hands suddenly feel clammy. This must be the place! We’re really going to meet them!

  My eyes settle on the high, spiky metal fence. At that moment, someone calls from inside and beckons the beefy security guard into building. She turns away and clicks the door shut. Well, that’s one problem solved.

  ‘How are we going to get in?’ I whisper.

  To the left of the gate, there’s a small wire gap above a patch of loose ground.

  There’s a beat of silence. Chloe glances at me, a faint crease in the middle of her forehead.

  ‘Um, what about our clothes?’ I say, smoothing down my white top.

  Chloe looks at me. Her eyes flick between the gap and my outfit.

  After a few seconds, she snorts.

  ‘Screw it. What else are we going to do? Turn around and go home?’

  I watch in awe as Chloe grits her teeth, bends down, stretches the wire gap as large as it will go, and almost elegantly shimmies herself through it, emerging on the other side with her white dress unscathed.

  There’s no way Suze would have done that. She’d have marched me round to the back of the queue, no question. Maybe it’s a good thing she couldn’t make it.