My [Secret] YouTube Life

by Charlotte Seager

  Eyes narrowed, Chloe makes a break for the back door. She skips over the gravel and, before I’ve had time to blink, she’s slipped through the door and into the building.

  My heart starts to thump. Oh God. Chloe’s already inside. I have to catch up. I have to move quickly.

  For some reason, my feet are fixed to the ground. I will them to move, but it’s like there are weights holding me down. Come! On!

  Taking a deep breath, I kneel down and gingerly stretch the gap as wide as it will go.

  ‘Oi! What do you think you’re doing?’

  I drop the wire as though it’s burning hot. The guard is back in the car park, and she’s heading straight for me.

  ‘This is a ticketed event! Guests must use the front entrance.’

  It’s like the blood in my veins has turned to ice. As I try to step back, my hair catches on the gate and I painfully yank out a knot.

  ‘You can’t be in here. Not without a ticket.’

  ‘I-I have a ticket!’ I squeak.

  I fumble in my bag, but the zip section is empty. Wait, what – where are they?

  Oh God. Chloe asked for them, didn’t she? I gave them to her when we saw how long the queue was. My entire body stiffens.

  ‘My friend has my ticket! She’s in the venue – if I can just get to her.’

  The guard is looking me up and down, her arms folded across her vast frame. She shakes her head, almost sympathetically.

  ‘I know this is a popular event. A lot of girls have turned up without tickets. But we really can’t overstretch the venue limit. It’s at capacity. And even if you have a ticket, we can’t let you in from this entrance – you need to go to the queue at the front. Now please step away from the gate. This is a private event.’

  I step back, the colour draining from my face.

  The street around me is empty – punctuated by the distant roar of traffic. Even the muttering man has disappeared now. It’s just me. Alone.

  What am I doing to do? How am I going to get home? I don’t have any internet or phone signal. I wind a strand of hair round and round my index finger.

  I can’t believe Chloe left me out here without my ticket.

  A dry lump appears in my throat. Suze would never, ever have left me. I lean against the wall, clutching my elbows, and shiver as the hard brick scrapes against my arms.

  CHAPTER 40

  Lily

  My cheeks are aching from the smile I have fixed on my lips. There are small black dots dancing in front of my eyes from the last camera flash. I’m starting to need the loo, but the next break isn’t for another hour. I cross my legs and jiggle in my seat.

  I’ve been sitting here greeting fans for almost two and a half hours, and we haven’t even seen a third of them so far. Hundreds upon hundreds of people have asked for hugs, photos and signatures on their favourite LilyLoves tote bags.

  Perched on a separate stand, at the other side of the hall, are Bryan and Jerry. Mindy told them they could stay and greet fans, but they are under instruction not to play any music. Bryan’s smiling at everyone, but every so often I catch sight of him out of the corner of my eye, his eyes flashing at me.

  A tiny girl with a huge smile wearing my T-shirt appears in front of my stall. She has a pink scrunchie in her hair and bangles clattering on her arms as she breathlessly asks me for a hug. I lean forward to let her skinny arms wrap round my neck.

  After signing her T-shirt, I see she is clutching a picture of me and Bryan to her chest. It’s kind of alarming, seeing me and Bryan’s beaming faces touching when I feel like smashing his guitar against the wall.

  I smile at her, but she doesn’t leave. Her shiny lips start trembling.

  Mindy tries to hurry her along.

  ‘I-I j-just –’ The little girl flushes, her voice stuttering. ‘Sorry, I’m just so – It’s so amazing to finally meet you and Bryan – I was just, well, is there any chance I can have a photo with you together?’

  She looks at me, her eyes shining, and my insides tighten with guilt.

  Mindy grabs her arm.

  ‘I’m sorry, there just isn’t enough time for group photos. We’re doing them separately today.’

  The little girl’s bottom lips starts to quiver. The picture with our stupid smiling faces on it crumples in her hand.

  Oh, bloody Bryan.

  ‘It’s fine. We can do one group photo,’ I say.

  Mindy makes eyes at me over the top of the little girl’s head.

  ‘But, Lily that will hold things up—’

  ‘It’s OK; it’ll only take a second.’

  The tiny girl looks at me with huge eyes.

  ‘Really!?’ she squeaks. ‘Really, really?!’

  I’ve never seen someone smile so much. She physically starts jumping up and down on the spot.

  Mindy motions for Bryan to come over. He throws a look at me, and the little girl stands between us, beaming at both of us in wonder.

  I crouch down and put a hand on her shoulder, and Bryan awkwardly holds her other arm, leaning as far away from me as he can.

  She wriggles her hand into his and smiles at us, oblivious.

  ‘Smile!’ says Mindy, snapping the picture on the girl’s phone as we all grin like maniacs.

  ‘Let me see!’

  The girl runs over and has to stand on tiptoes to reach the screen. Mindy passes it back to her. The girl runs back to give me a hug. Her force almost knocks me to the floor.

  I kneel down. She clutches me tightly, her face in my neck, and mumbles so quietly I don’t think anyone else can hear.

  ‘You’re my favourite person in the world.’

  ***

  Two hours later, I’m physically and emotionally drained. As I step backstage for a much-needed break, I sink into the nearest chair and feel my muscles relax. My eyes are blurring, there are sores on my palms and my fingers are aching.

  But bizarrely I feel . . . better. The worry and stress from before has evaporated and I almost feel like I’m on a high. Seeing my fans has reminded me what YouTube is really about, why it means so much to me.

  As I’m draining my third bottle of mineral water and wiping my brow, my phone lights up with a message. I bet it’s Mum wishing me luck. But when I glance at the screen it’s Chris’s chat icon.

  C: Did you get my message? I’m outside your launch but can’t even get inside! So many people. It’s amazing. Congrats!

  I frown. Immediately I click through to Facebook Messenger and see the message he sent last week.

  C: Is this what you were talking about? I’m around that day – I’ll be there.

  He’s sent a link to an advertisement for my launch party from my Instagram. A smile stretches over my lips.

  Chris came! I can’t believe it. He does understand what I do. I can’t wait to show him everything. I bet he’s never seen anything like it. The fans. The crowds. The buzz. I want for him to see what online communities are really about. It’s not just selfies and vanity like people think – it’s about making people feel like they belong.

  I text back.

  L: Come round the back – sending you the GPS pin now. I’ll get my manager to let you in. So excited you came! :)

  I grab one of Mindy’s assistants and show them the message. She strides off to let him in, and I get up to follow her.

  ‘No, stay there. We’ve spotted some groups hanging round the back entrance. The last thing we want is them seeing you, and crowds turning up,’ she says.

  ‘OK.’ I sit back down. I feel almost as though I’m floating. All these people watch my videos, and they’re here to see me. It doesn’t feel real.

  A couple of minutes later, Chris walks through the door. His auburn hair is in a fluffy, tousled mess and he’s wearing these old, loose jeans with a scuffed hem. Over his shoulders he’s wearing a bright orange anorak that clashes terribly with his hair.

  For some reason I’m so overcome with excitement that I leap up and throw my arms around him.


  ‘Hey!’ He laughs, taken aback.

  ‘I can’t believe you came!’ I say.

  His face splits into a smile and I feel myself float even higher.

  Then he looks past me and his face tenses up. I can feel someone’s eyes on us. I untangle myself from Chris and follow his gaze.

  Bryan is standing behind me. His face curves into a smirk.

  ‘Who’s this?’

  CHAPTER 41

  Lily

  Bryan’s dark eyes flick between us. He turns to me.

  ‘Need a word, Lil. Come on, let’s go.’

  I glance uncertainly at Chris and press a finger to my temple. Not now. I can’t deal with us arguing again.

  Bryan grabs my arm and roughly pulls me aside.

  Chris is watching him. My face crumples. Bryan yanks my arm harder.

  ‘Mate, don’t be rough with her,’ says Chris, stepping forward.

  ‘Mate?’ says Bryan, imitating his Suffolk twang with a short laugh. ‘Sorry, but what business is it of yours?’

  My head is throbbing. I open my mouth to speak, but no noise comes out.

  ‘Just let her go.’ Chris places a hand on Bryan’s shoulder.

  Bryan looks Chris up and down. ‘Take your hand off me – now.’

  Chris’s face turns red. Bryan’s fingernails dig into my arm so hard it hurts.

  ‘OK, I’m coming,’ I whisper.

  I turn towards the door. I blink and the dark shape of Bryan stumbles forward, almost crashing into the wall.

  Huh?

  Bryan is clutching his right cheek, which is turning an ugly shade of puce. His eyes are as black as ash. Chris is breathing heavily and flexing his knuckle, his chest rising and falling.

  Oh God, Chris didn’t hit him, did he? Please, no.

  ‘What are you doing?!’ My voice is strangled.

  Chris turns to me, looking chastened, but Bryan takes the chance to throw himself at his chest. Chris shoves him off as Mindy walks into the room.

  ‘What is going on here?’ She looks as though she wants to murder both of them.

  In a matter of seconds, the security guards have run in and tackled Chris to the ground.

  Bryan turns to me. ‘What the hell is going on? That guy is deranged – get him out.’

  I stare at him. I just don’t know what to say.

  ‘Lily!’ Mindy takes my arm.

  She steers me out of the room. As we turn down the corridor, I hear Bryan loudly berating security. Mindy closes the door quietly behind us and turns to me. She takes a deep breath, puts a hand on her chest, and looks straight into my eyes.

  ‘Is there something you aren’t telling me?’ The vein on her forehead is pulsing.

  Thick, waxy mascara trickles down my cheeks.

  ‘I can’t do this any more. I can’t deal with this, all of this. I need—’

  Mindy sits me down and passes me a water. ‘Yes you can. And you will. The fans are counting on you. We’re all counting on you.’

  She takes my hand.

  ‘You can do this. We just need to get you cleaned up.’

  ***

  When I come out of the dressing room thirty minutes later with my make-up redone, the backstage room is empty. There’s no security. No Bryan. Faintly, I can hear Chris outside arguing with security, his muffled voice carrying through the back window.

  ‘I need to get back inside . . . No, I don’t have a ticket! Where’s Lily?’

  I peer out of the glass. He’s in the car park with two security guards forcibly holding him back. I unhook the window ledge and lean out.

  ‘It’s fine. He’s a friend. Let him in!’ I shout.

  Chris’s eyebrows shoot up when he hears me.

  The security woman squints up at me. ‘He was violent inside the venue. He’s barred.’

  I blink. Chris has been barred? From my own launch party? I rub my brow and breathe out.

  ‘Oh, fine. I’ll come outside then.’

  I duck down from the window and walk back through the hallway, along to the main back entrance, pushing past the security guards.

  They stand there in padded uniforms with their arms crossed, watching us.

  ‘Um, could you give us some privacy?’ I say.

  The security guards share a look, then reluctantly step back inside. For God’s sake, I’m the one who hired them.

  I look at Chris. The wind whistles through the empty gates and an awkward silence falls between us. I half smile. Chris’s bushy brow is furrowed, and his jaw is set.

  ‘I-I’m sorry about all that,’ I say.

  A faint smile softens his face. ‘Don’t apologize,’ he says, raising an eyebrow. ‘So that’s your boyfriend? He seems . . . er . . . nice?’

  I put my head in my hands.

  At that moment, there’s the sound of a door slamming.

  We both look up. Bryan is standing there, his black hair recoiffed in perfectly messy waves, two spots of cerise on his pale cheeks.

  Bryan’s eyes flick to Chris, then me. ‘What the hell is he still doing here?’

  I blink several times. ‘Bryan – I can’t do this any more.’ I can hear my voice, but I feel detached, as if I’m looking in a mirror at myself.

  Bryan breathes out heavily. ‘Can’t do what?’

  ‘Us, this, everything. I can’t cope. We’re not OK.’

  Bryan steps forward and lowers his voice. ‘Lil – don’t be stupid. Think of your followers, my followers. There’s three hundred thousand fans out there. They’re not here just for you; they’re here for us.’

  He looks intensely into my eyes. Out of the corner of my vision I can see Chris watching me too.

  My hands are shaking.

  ‘I know, but I still can’t do this any more,’ I whisper. ‘I don’t think I’ve wanted to for a while. I’m so sorry, Bryan – with everything that’s happened . . . I just can’t.’

  Bryan curls his lip. ‘This is fucking insane. What, you want to break a load of kids’ hearts, is that it? You want to ruin everything we’ve built.’

  He throws his hands in the air. ‘This is about Nina, isn’t it? You read my texts. You’re mental – it’s not my fault she’s obsessed with me. OK, so I got off with her once, but it meant nothing.’

  My mind stops. He slept with Nina. He really did. Oh God, I was right, wasn’t I? Those messages, the Snapchats. He actually slept with her. Why does being right feel so wrong?

  ‘Please just leave,’ I say, keeping my voice steady.

  Bryan snorts. ‘Don’t tell me—’

  ‘Leave! We’re over.’ I’m aware my voice is rising.

  ‘No, Lily. You don’t want this – think of your career.’

  He tries to grab my wrist and I feel myself weakening. He’s right – things will be so much easier if we just stay together. Do I want to do this?

  But then Chris steps in between us and puts a hand on my shoulder.

  Bryan’s face splits into a wild grin. ‘Seriously?’ He laughs. ‘This guy?’

  ‘Bryan, please don’t!’

  Chris steps forward and I’m worried he’s about to hit him again, but, surprisingly, he takes my hand. A fizzle goes through my body as his rough fingers brush my skin.

  Bryan’s eyes focus on our hands. He starts laughing.

  ‘Jesus Christ, you’re making a mistake.’

  His eyes sparkle. My whole body tenses up. What is he going to do?

  For a few seconds, I think he’s about to grab me, but then he shakes his head and strides off.

  ‘Good luck with her, mate,’ he shouts back to Chris. Then to me, ‘We’re done, Lily. Clear your stuff out by the time I get back tomorrow. I’ll be at Nina’s.’

  He gets into his car and drives out through the gate.

  I look at my hands. Weirdly, I don’t feel like crying. All I feel is relief. Now I don’t have to worry about Bryan. Or Nina. The pressure of making us look perfect – I can just be me.

  I know tears will come later, but right now it’s
like when you see a bloodied cut on your hand before your brain has registered the pain. I’m just poking the wound, feeling numb.

  I breathe out slowly.

  He’s gone. He’s really gone.

  It’s over.

  When I look back at Chris, his face is pained.

  ‘Lily, I haven’t been completely honest with you.’ He splays his hands out in front of him. ‘What I told you a few weeks ago, about Jasmine, it’s not . . . it’s . . .’

  He looks away.

  Oh shit. Jasmine – I’d completely forgotten about her. What is it? She’s pregnant? They’re married? What am I doing? I drop his hand.

  Chris looks up, hurt. ‘You know that day I bumped into you, and you saw my clothes on the street . . . ?’

  ‘Um, yeah . . .’

  ‘Well, it was Jasmine who threw them out – I came back to get my things, and she flipped. When you mentioned your boyfriend, it just felt like . . . I don’t know. I don’t know why I said it. Me and Jasmine, we’re not together – we split up months ago.’

  He says this almost without taking a breath, and it’s the first time I’ve seen Chris look flustered.

  ‘I just didn’t want you to think . . . I don’t know. I . . .’

  He trails off, but my heart has been thumping the whole time he’s been speaking.

  I shake my head. My whole body feels weird.

  I touch Chris’s chest and feel myself tremble from head to toe. He looks up in surprise, then gently wraps his big arms round my small shoulders. I stroke the hideous orange waxy material of his anorak.

  His eyes are big and dopey. I must look exactly the same.

  There’s a weird electricity between our skin. He brushes a strand of hair off my cheek, and goosebumps tighten on the back of my neck.

  He bends down. I tilt my head up and feel a rush of heat as his mouth touches mine. A tingle travels down my back. I don’t want this feeling to end—

  My thoughts are interrupted by the artificial sound of a shutter click.

  Huh?

  I break away from Chris, disorientated. Another click. Flash.

  What’s going on?

  ‘What’s up?’ murmurs Chris, nuzzling me.